BPD partner won't be "labeled", won't see therapist - i'm not sure i can do this

[DarthPooh]

I'm at a loss what to do.  When i met her she was perfect for me.  We got along great.  Then she went off her anti-depressants.  This was years ago. My life has been hellish ever since.  Anyone who hasn't dealt with this disorder doesn't understand and support me by telling me i should leave.  Maybe i should, but there's this pesky love thing and care for her.
She realizes there is something wrong, but refuses to go to a therapist/psychologist due to past negative experiences with therapy and being put on anti-depressants when a child.  Her distrust of the medical system also has her afraid of permanent medical records and how they my be used to her detriment.  Aside from this, she refuses to be defined by a label and thinks little tricks like CBT, DBT, anger management techniques, etc wouldn't help.  All she says she needs is love and encouragement and for me "to listen" which i apparently never do (unless she isn't raging then reality changes and she sometimes admits i do).  We've had security called to come to our condo (we live in a condo-apartment building) due to neighbors calling.  Her fix for this is to move to a house where she can scream and yell since that's part of her healing, and just the way she is.  I'm not sure what i can do alone.  Has anyone had positive results in playing 24/7 therapist/life coach?  I know i have a habit of responding to her unacceptible behavior with less than joy, which is triggering, and i've been trying to change to prevent the yelling, but i'm not sure how much i'm helping vs. enabling.  She's improved in many ways, but it's still unmanageable for me.  She's told me all the things i need to do for her to get better.  I'm trying to do them all, but i always fall short.  One of them is "body, mind, soul time" from "Positve Parenting" but it's tough when she needs to be left alone and not spoken to at the beginning and end of the day, and spends hours with me helping her through her fears and emotional "electric fences" throughout the day.  She'll call me at work 18-20 times for help getting through fears.  Then there's the arguments and loud lectures about what i'm not doing for her which take up way too much time.  I don't know when to fit in our special time to connect emotionally that she needs.  Honestly i sometimes forget since i'm so stressed out.  I can handle stress better than anyone i know, but in the past few months, at the age of 51, i've experience my first migrane headache and my first panic attack (several a day in fact.)
I just spent a few months out of state to be with my son after a near-fatal auto accident.  During that time, hopping from cheap motel to air bnb to the hospital and dealing with the ex (high functioning BPD), my partner would call me and scream at me (when she wasn't lauding me for being such an amazing, supportive father.)  My favorite was the call at 2:30 am complaining that she'd been up since 1 am worrying about work, then screaming at me that i wasn't alert and attentive to her needs because i had just been woken up. 
I don't know what to do. . .  She's closer to low functioning than high functioning and one of her tropes is needing to quit her job so she can get out of the stressful situation and then she'd be happy and able to concentrate on what brings her joy, with no financial responsibility and not having to worry about answering to anyone.  She teleworks, and can be flexibible with her schedule.  If only her boss and co-workers didn't secretly hate her, want her to work harder and faster, and want to come physically harm her, maybe then it wouldn't be too stressful.
Has anyone had any luck in getting your BPD partner to agree to and actually go to therapy?  I also need to carve out time for me because i don't have any retirement plan (lawer and ex got much of that) and need to get my side hustle going, which i can't get the time for with her sucking up so much of my time. 
There's too much to deal with, so many notes i've taken to try avoiding triggers (which is also triggering to her because if i just "gave a s#!t" i would know what to do).
I could go on, but i'm just wondering what i could do.  I need help, but don't know how to get it.
-DP

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bella2798]

You have no idea how much I understand you. Everyone says that's a toxic relationship, but no one thinks if they were in our shoes, with the fact that our partners haven't tried therapy yet and the thing that we love them, what would they do. I have the same situation kinda, with being in a 10 years relationship with many ups and downs and breakups, and currently being in one of these episodes.
Only in one thing I can agree with your partner. That sometimes, those DBT, CBT, etc methods may not ve affective. They aren't for my partner, and I know he has tried his best for those. He also believes that no therapist could help him because he's ruined, but I made an advantage of him being tired of all the way he feels, so got him an appointment for a therapist, and I'm hopeful it works even though we have to wait for months.
Do you think talking to her about going to a good therapist that other people are satisfied with could help? Like you probably can tell her that you want to go with her, only to receive some advice from an expert on how to support her more. Maybe you can go to a session alone before her and make sure the psychologist can help, or also explain to them so they can gain their trust or something like that?

[kells76]

Hi DarthPooh, welcome to the group -- we're glad you decided to reach out and share what's going on in your life.

We get where you're coming from; there's no "one size fits all" answer for whether or not to be in a relationship with a pwBPD. Boilerplate answers like "don't look back, run away now" or "just love him/her more and that cures it" aren't helpful for real life and real people. So, we get it here, that you care about your partner and are looking for ways to make things "less worse" and hopefully better.

One thing that stood out to me in your post was how much you do for her, and perhaps a sense of hoping that if you just do, or keep doing, exactly what she says she wants, that that will make things better?

You've had a lot of experience with that, and it sounds like maybe you're realizing that even if you do exactly what she says she wants, that doesn't help her truly feel better.

That's probably part of the disorder of BPD showing up -- ultimately, it's about how a pwBPD feels about themselves inside, and that's not something we can fix.

What we can do, though, is invest in caring for ourselves, and helping ourselves be healthier, calmer, and more grounded. For some people in relationships with a pwBPD, what that does is "open a door" to a different path -- you are modeling better self care, calmer responses, and disengagement from drama, and in a sense you are "inviting" your partner to walk with you on that path... or not... their choice.

Getting her to agree to therapy, then attend regularly, then make improvements, isn't in our control. It's not impossible, it's just not something we can make happen. However, you make a really important point here, right after wondering about therapy:

I also need to carve out time for me

Weirdly, in a roundabout way, caring more for ourselves can change the dynamic in the relationship, and can allow the pwBPD more opportunities to develop self-soothing.

It sounds like right now, she is dependent on external sources for emotional regulation. Because her issues are inside of her, there is no amount of external support that can help her develop self regulation. If she receives less external soothing, she will have more opportunities to go through her blowup herself and then wind down herself. This can be really important... but also uncomfortable for the non-BPD partner.

So, all that being said, your post reminded me of this workshop we have, on What does it mean to take care of yourself? -- check it out and let us know your thoughts about it. It really reminded me of your situation.

Looking forward to hearing more from you, and again, welcome;

kells76

[DarthPooh]

Thank you kells.

[DarthPooh]

Thanks for the suggestion to offer to go to therapy with her.  That's what i wanted to do.  I wanted to learn how i may best help..  She "sort of" agreed to go, only so i could learn from the therapist that i wasn't listening.  Of course she had caveats that a therapist would never agree to.  I think i actually have to find an unlicensed, yet experienced therapist who is not only a specialist in BPD treatment, but who works outside the legal system and just counsels/coaches people "off the books" in order for her to be comfortable with seeking help.

[kells76]

I think i actually have to find an unlicensed, yet experienced therapist who is not only a specialist in BPD treatment, but who works outside the legal system and just counsels/coaches people "off the books" in order for her to be comfortable with seeking help.

Weirdly, that may be possible. Our MC purposefully dropped his licensing years ago, in order to be able to work with people in a way that was more in line with his values. He has decades of experience and we trust him, so no license wasn't a hurdle for us. We connected with him through our church.

If you want to find someone "outside the mainstream", consider reaching out to a local church or faith based group. They can often straddle that middle ground of doing MH work with individuals/couples, but not being totally mainstream. If you aren't comfortable with working with someone in a church/faith group, I suspect that the church might still have some ideas of who you could contact.

Another route to finding someone experienced but unlicensed is to contact a few local practices and describe your situation -- that your partner may feel more comfortable with someone "not on the books", but you'd like the person to have experience. The practices may know of recently retired MH professionals who would be willing to take on your situation.

Hope those ideas help;

kells76

[Joaquin]

I have no answers but I very much relate to not wanting to leave the relationship because you care and also to having a partner who distrusts therapy and fears the stigma of official diagnoses. My wife is in therapy and takes Paxil but isn’t aware of her BPD as far as I know and is always wary of therapists and their ability to help. We talk about mental health generally and I have gently mentioned DBT a few times, but it’s such a sensitive thing that I can only do it when she’s feeling REALLY safe. My only advice is that for her to have any chance of listening to anything like this, her trust and safety level has to be maxed out

[Joaquin]

Also, have you read stop walking on eggshells? I just devoured it twice and it helped me infinitely. Perfectly described my experience, and the validation and understanding that gave me opened up space in me to feel in control for the first time and remain in a calm, nonreactive state

[DarthPooh]

Joaquin,
Thank you for the book suggestion.  I have read it, and it was of some help.  That was years ago though.  I should read that again! 
-DP