Trauma, FOG, feelings of helplessness, fear, over obligation

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I've told this story a bit before, but I wanted to dive into it, and it's been affecting my behavior and feelings so deeply.

I had my back get injured, and I needed extra help from my Dad. Well, he would run around like a chicken with his head cut off, or cuss a lot, I felt for him for having to do extra stuff, I probably told him to slow down, or just left him to his own devices, because of my own struggles, I'm sure I thanked him a lot.

Eventually this led to me walking into the kitchen, and he slammed into me pretty hard, and I felt excruciating pain, he acknowledged it, said "oh", and looked at me, and the way I remember it, he had a smirk on his face, but I was in so much pain, it's all hard to clearly process. I mentioned to him that he did it, and he kinda played dumb, I was too vulnerable to really confront him.

Then he starts cussing like crazy, and eventually my back gets a bit better, and I start help him pick up things and do things, but no matter how much I help, he never thanks me, and keeps cussing, so I keep helping. I eventually burn out, trying to please him, and my back ends up worse off, and end up in the hospital.

Then my back is way worse off, like I can't even walk on my own. He has to help me, I thank him a ton, and act like he's my savior. Sometimes I feel guilty and try to restrain myself from asking, sometimes I asked too much when he woke up, but I felt completely helpless, and it was frustrating.

So, he runs around like a chicken with his head cut off, and I'm sure most of the time, I told him to slow down, or that he can do some of it now, and some later. But he just kills himself. Then he won't do anything for me in the morning, after spending a lot of time feeling completely helpless, and shuts me down, and I feel overwhelmed with feeling helpless. I basically have a mental breakdown, where I struggle to breath, and am coughing up spit constantly, and completely overwhelmed, in constant negativity, scared of hurting my back, keep straining it out of feeling helpless.

Another thing, is I had a tooth problem around this time, and needed to go to the hospital, and on the way, I asked him to park close and that I forgot something in the house, and both times, he jostles my back by driving the car erratically, hurting me.

So now, sometimes when my back hurts, and I feel a little extra concerned about it, I feel all these feelings of fear, helplessness, and I shut down. I've been going over this trauma lately, and it's been hitting me extra hard. Sometimes I look to him for help, when this happens, and he seems pleased to help.

Also, another concern is that he left a package in the walkway, from Amazon, and I tripped over it last week, and almost fell, and told him to not put packages there. And he did it again, and I made a big deal out of it the second time. I've been having trouble functioning, so it's hard to be mindful of this stuff sometimes lately. I really hope he's not trying to hurt my back, but it's all so sick and wrong in the first place, I'll never know. I'm gonna watch out for it, and put my foot down, if he does it again.

I just feel all these horrible feelings of helplessness, anger, and over concern for my back today. Also lately, when I feel this way, I feel an insane degree of obligation to others, especially to my Dad, and it's caused me to rush in and help him. It's all so sick, I feel disgusted by his behavior, and I feel terrified of getting injured again.

My plan is to call 911 if I do, or call my sister, or take a cab if I can to the doctor, and try to get someone to come in and care for me. I think maybe it was unfair to my Dad to have him help, but I don't think it really justifies this abusive, manipulative response. There's other things he did around this time that really messed with my head, but the physical ones are the worst, I think, because I was extremely vulnerable, and damned near helpless.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Can anyone give me some advice on this? Like, I think I am ruminating on it too much, and kinda of viewing myself as a victim, instead of someone who can be empowered, and it's really dragging me down. Normally, I focus on the past, to see how far I've come, and it's really a positive thing, the exceptions being if I have feelings come up that I have to deal with, from the past, or in the case of grief.

Right now, those trauma feelings are hitting me hard, but the truth is, they've been happening periodically for a long time, and I didn't know why they happened until I realized my Dad was doing this stuff to me. I didn't realize why I felt completely helpless sometimes and even drinking a glass of water felt like a complicated task, that I'd struggle to pull off, because of the anxiety, coughing and helpless feelings. I didn't understand why I'd have all this confidence, and then I'd suddenly lose all of it.

I guess I just don't know how to deal with this, I feel like I need to deal with this somehow, but at the same time, I think focusing on it is destroying my ability to focus on living my life, and it's triggering me so hard, that I'm struggling more than ever.

[Riv3rW0lf]

There.

You pretty much answered what I had in mind when I read your posts. A lot of your posts mention the same things over and over, and believe me, I get it. But it does indicate you ruminate a lot.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying your father did or did not do these things, I also won't comment on the nature of the relationship, or if he is a narcissist or not. I won't comment on what is abusive or not either. What I can tell you is that : even a very cruel narcissist cannot take your power away UNLESS YOU LET THEM.

Most times, with those kind of personnalities, we are the one giving our power away because we GAIN something from it, we GAIN something from the feeling of powerlessness.

Maybe it would be worth it to write about what you think you are gaining from this? There are advantages to feeling/being abused, to feeling powerless... I recommend reading about it.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I mean, it's true, there are probably compromises I've made, and a lot of times, that's for emotional support, when I'm grieving, I think. Also, I let him buying me treats, kind of cause me to give him friendship. I think in a lot of ways, I'm actually better off than a lot of people, because I called out a lot of it, and even if I couldn't convince him, or initially bought what he said, I dispelled it, with logic later.

I guess I ruminate because some of it did work on me, not a lot, but some, and even if the stuff works on me for a day, an hour, or what not, it's still kind of crazy making. Even though a lot of these Narcissists in my life, didn't affect me, because I remained detached, they still found little vulnerabilities that worked on me. And it compromised me, and it hurt me.

The main issue with this current topic, is that I really was vulnerable and helpless, and exploited and abused for that, so it especially disturbs me, because for the time being, we're stuck together, and it causes me to really fear vulnerable situations, because that's when he does the worst stuff. We're interdependent, can't avoid that right now, might be a long term goal to change that.

I've learned a ton of lessons on this stuff, even while they were happening, it's not like I bought it all hook line and sinker, I really didn't. Mainly because I've learned a lot about codependency, detachment, and dysfunctional people, because I was with a girl who had BPD for 10 years, and had to work through the trauma of that.

To me, there's a lot of lessons:

I'm attracted to people who are in trouble, and Narcissistic people. (probably because of sympathy, but also, because it's been a normal thing for me, my entire life, I've literally had a Narcissists in my life, my entire life, I've never escaped them. I've known 5 girls like that, had 2 best friends like that, and then my Dad)

If people are being irrational, and you can't talk sense in them, it's best not to push, and walk away, you can't make them be rational.

Try not to depend on people you can't depend on

Value give and take in relationships, don't trade intimacy for anything but intimacy, although you can probably have a base level of it, with random people, you don't want to dive deep into something one sided. (although they feign caring so well, that I find this hard to figure out).

You don't owe people your trust, you don't owe people your affection, you don't owe people your time

It's not my job to save someone, who takes zero responsibility for their life.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Are you familiar with the karpman triangle ?

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

I recommend looking at it to find your own role in your relationship with your father. Might give you some tools to steer clear of it in the future.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I've read about it before, I can't remember it though, thanks Riv3rWolf, I'll check it out sometime soon. I mean, I do see a lot of my role already, but I'm sure it would illuminate a lot of it.

One thing that especially upsets me is that about this whole thing is that it's not like I was super dysfunctional when he did some of these worst things. Somewhat, yes, I'm far from perfect, but I was normally trying to be reasonable, flexible, and considerate. I was learning the whole way, and almost always tried to adjust to make better decisions, and he still acted these ways.

At the end of the day, I suppose what he does has very little to do with me, he's gonna be screwed up, no matter how I act. That's not to say, I can't improve how I deal with things, but I'm not going to get a reasonable, fair, or caring person, it's just not how he is.