Need support trying to set boundaries with BPD wife

[Joaquin]

First post. Wife of 4yrs (we have a 2yo daughter) has BPD but she doesn’t know it as far as I know (no idea what is said between her and her therapist, but I don’t think any diagnoses were given. She was misdiagnosed with bipolar long ago). A friend whose wife also has BPD first clued me in. I got a therapist for support and read stop walking on eggshells, which was a shockingly perfect and validating description of my experience. She perceives everything as an intense threat of abandonment and controlled me painfully for a long time to neutralize the threat. I know it’s just her trying to survive and I have compassion for that, but it still did me real damage; I lost myself and my inner voice and my physical health suffered. First 2yrs were in a real sense a living nightmare for me, then our daughter was born and my wife was injured/left unable to care for her so everything was on me. The criticism/blame/negativity got too much and started coming out of me for the first time (the FOG, blame, and control was so intense before that that I felt no right or ability to express any of my suffering, let alone be heard on it). After that point there was a very rough period of me reacting and voicing my problems with our relationship (I didn’t yet know about her BPD; I just knew my reality was unbearable and wrong) and some couples therapy. It was messy and difficult but resulted in some imperfect limit setting and increased awareness from my wife. She eventually had me email our counselor to end therapy after the therapist asked her if she can see the role she plays in our relationship.

Things are dramatically better than they used to be; she’s worked very hard to stop the intense criticism and be more mindful of me (though when activated she expresses some resentment for having to make these changes and blames me for not being the person I used to be and how it leaves her alone in life, etc). But this continues to be a huge issue for me, that when she’s activated she sees herself as the victim no matter what and pushes full responsibility and ownership for every interaction and all of her difficult emotions that she can’t manage herself onto me. When she’s triggered or there’s some conflict, she goes into full self protection mode and uses blame and control to make me manage and solve her pain. “You’re being mean to me and you need to stop and give me love stop being mean give me love stop being mean give me love.” If I try to voice some feeling of my own even while trying to make her feel safe and reassured, I’m told I’m not a caring or kind partner. Over time this has taken a toll on me and burned through my resources.

Anyway, I’ve been extremely consciously controlling myself to stay in a fully calm, caring, loving way and compensating for her shifting emotions accordingly. At the same time, I’ve started very gently trying to set some emotional limits. Stop walking on eggshells helped me a lot and the validation it gave me freed up space in me to not react, to avoid her triggers, to approach everything almost clinically.

Last night we had a difficult talk about emotional limits. I’m happy to say I stuck to my intentions of remaining calm, loving, and nonreactive the whole time. I explained that I need to be healthy bc I want us to last and be happy, and the way I’ve had to own and absorb responsibility for everything, even when I’m feeling wronged, and all I’m allowed to do is suppress my feelings and dispense love exactly when and how she needs it is unsustainable and unhealthy for me, so when that happens I might need to just set a limit as lovingly as I can, take responsibility for my behavior but not hers and her emotions. It did not go well. Major resistance and attempts to argue over examples, which never gets anywhere because she genuinely sees everything as a one-sided persecution against her. Her responses basically amounted to I deprive her of love and my boundaries mean she just has to live without having her needs met, no matter how hard she tries to change it’s never enough, I’m not who she thought I was, I don’t care about her like I did at the start (when I had no limits, fully suppressed my emotions to be hyper vigilant in serving her needs 24/7 without complaint, and absorbed cosmic amounts of constant criticism no matter how hard I tried), and then she had a crying meltdown over night.

I know resistance to limit setting is to be expected bc she feels something being taken away. I haven’t seen her yet today and honestly I’m scared of how the day will go. Im committed to staying calm and loving (though it is emotionally exhausting perfectly controlling and shaping my every word and tone) and I know I need to stay firm, but it takes strength in the face of her resistance and I’m feeling weak today (zero sleep). Any advice, encouragement, validation would be very welcome. I’m new to this site and wouldn’t mind a friend with a similar experience.

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[Pook075]

Welcome to the forum!  I can completely relate to EVERYTHING you just shared and I'm really sorry you're going thru this. 

I also completed the Eggshells book for the 2nd time about a month ago- my1st time reading it was 12 years ago to learn how to deal with my daughter.  What you shared above about boundaries is right out of one of those final chapters, so you already know what I'm going to say.  Your wife will resist boundaries and you'll either enforce them, or let her walk all over them.  But either way, it will probably get worse for a period of time.

The bigger takeaway is about you though- what do you feel you deserve?  What kind of relationship do you need to feel whole and loved?  You can't fix your wife, but you can absolutely fix yourself and put your own mental health 1st for a change.  The key to all of this isn't her...it's being the best version of you.

I learned the hard way that I was so depressed, frustrated, etc. in what I felt was a happy marriage.  I hadn't prioritized myself in years...maybe decades.  Everything was for her, yet she couldn't be truly happy in life because she didn't know how to love herself.  It was a fool's errand and I also lost so much of myself in the process, but know that you can find yourself once again and rediscover that joy.  Thousands of us here have, so you're definitely not alone.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!

[Joaquin]

Thank you so much for the support. It helps a lot. I’m bracing for the follow up today (I saw her and she’s visibly upset at me) and every bit of strength I can draw here means the world to me

[Pook075]

Thank you so much for the support. It helps a lot. I’m bracing for the follow up today (I saw her and she’s visibly upset at me) and every bit of strength I can draw here means the world to me

Absolutely, there's a lot of great people here that both understand and sympathize with your situation.  Don't hesitate to ask questions or simply rant about how your day went.  Believe it or not, even that helps others here at times because we see that we're not the only ones going through this.  It helped me a ton at the start of my journey.

[lookingforpen]

I wont contribute with advice because I am in need of them myself.. but as for validation: I have been dating a woman who I suspect has BPD for six months now; I have felt what I call "affective pressure", that is, whenever she feels insecure she prompts me for shows of affection which at the beginning I gave but this took a toll on me.

Affection in general cannot be forced and the more it is, the more difficult it is to give it. That is a fundamental fact and therefore, you do well to set limits. Now, from what I have heard, setting limits isn't a one time thing but a prolonged effort, even with the proper technique. If that is the case then you should prepare for endurance.

[LifewithEase]

Joaquin

Welcome. So much of your post resonated with me. This happens often for me and others.

And I agree with Pook075, recieving/give advice and ranting on the board is helpful.

Even though I've been working on this for sometime, posts like yours reminds me that I'm not in some sort of unique land of illogical chaos. It is validating.

My one tip, that you might already know and I can tell you're coaching yourself around, is the idea to keep strong boundaries. It drives my uBPDw into huge dysregulation, rage, and silent treatments when I do this. My old pattern was to backdown. My recent pattern was to succumb to my exhaustion (after years, I just can't do this). However, my current pattern that I'm building is to keep it simple and mindful around limits.

Keep sharing

[Joaquin]

Thx so much everyone. I’ll add updates here. I learned something interesting through this episode.

She oscillated yesterday (the day after the boundaries conversation) between very down/crying and silent resistance. She isn’t an explosive rager. She was processing the whole thing and then finally softened up. I’m sure it was hard and I credit her for this. She ended the night quiet again so I’m sure the processing (and maybe moments of resistance) aren’t over.

However, I learned something about myself. For hours last night I was feeling a kind of anxiety and inability to ground. The discomfort of the conversation had me feeling on eggshells again after. During this I was thinking about how the night before (before we had the talk) we were laying in bed and she said “why aren’t you taking care of me??” (Because I wasn’t stroking her hair like usual bc I was nauseated)  in the way that I’ve learned a fear/instant compliance response. I was also thinking of several recent moments where I was breathing heavy bc of physical discomfort and she reacted strongly and tried to get me to stop bc she interprets it as some deep unhappiness (and I assume potential abandonment) from me. My heavy breathing is a trigger for her, and to protect herself she uses a dysfunctional control and/or blame defense mechanism instead of functional communication (telling me how my breathing is making her feel while also respecting that what I need to do with my body is my choice).

 I eventually realized that I’ve developed some sort of physical anxiety response to feeling a loss of control, like a puppet on a string. The extreme effort I’ve been putting into remaining fully nonreactive and calm no matter what to never trigger her defenses is making me feel a little bit like I did at the worst parts of our relationship when I had to relinquish control of myself completely to her to please her. The stress and fear I felt during  the boundaries talk brought these feelings up again and the more physical stress I felt in my body, the more I was fearing that the hair stroking moment would play out again later and I would have to just comply, which is still usually what I do. The boundaries talk was so difficult for me that I felt I have to pick my battles and give in for a while.

Being around her silence was putting me back into a fear mode where I was just trying to signal to her (through my tone and body language) that I cared and was ready to take care of her instead of connecting to my own feelings and feeling in control of myself and my body.

Does anyone have insights into this balancing act? As partners of pwBPD we have to be emotional caretakers, be nonreactive and extremely mindful, and pick our battles. How do we still maintain our authentic selves and rights to choose how we react, when we give affection, etc knowing those choices may turn into battles that aren’t worth it? I know the short answer is “setting limits/boundaries,” but ironically trying to introduce limits is what triggered this this time. I’ll prob start this question in a new thread bc it’s a tough one for me.

[LifewithEase]

However, I learned something about myself. For hours last night I was feeling a kind of anxiety and inability to ground. The discomfort of the conversation had me feeling on eggshells again after. During this I was thinking about how the night before (before we had the talk) we were laying in bed and she said “why aren’t you taking care of me??” (Because I wasn’t stroking her hair like usual bc I was nauseated)  in the way that I’ve learned a fear/instant compliance response. I was also thinking of several recent moments where I was breathing heavy bc of physical discomfort and she reacted strongly and tried to get me to stop bc she interprets it as some deep unhappiness (and I assume potential abandonment) from me. My heavy breathing is a trigger for her, and to protect herself she uses a dysfunctional control and/or blame defense mechanism instead of functional communication (telling me how my breathing is making her feel while also respecting that what I need to do with my body is my choice).

I eventually realized that I’ve developed some sort of physical anxiety response to feeling a loss of control, like a puppet on a string. The extreme effort I’ve been putting into remaining fully nonreactive and calm no matter what to never trigger her defenses is making me feel a little bit like I did at the worst parts of our relationship when I had to relinquish control of myself completely to her to please her. The stress and fear I felt during  the boundaries talk brought these feelings up again and the more physical stress I felt in my body, the more I was fearing that the hair stroking moment would play out again later and I would have to just comply, which is still usually what I do. The boundaries talk was so difficult for me that I felt I have to pick my battles and give in for a while.

Being around her silence was putting me back into a fear mode

Joaquin,

This resonates with me. My uBPDw is exactly the same. I too have found that as I build boundaries there is a different type of stress, more like exhaustion. First, you have to be mindful to not JADE. Second, you need to be able to response with productive words. Third, you need to shield yourself from her rage, toxic and hateful response. Fourth, you then have to walk away and try to keep your peace, regroup. Yet, five, she'll generally dysregulate (silent treatment; overly critical; nitpick, etc.) for 12 to 48 hours which takes another whole level of energy out of ya.

[Joaquin]

Joaquin,

This resonates with me. My uBPDw is exactly the same. I too have found that as I build boundaries there is a different type of stress, more like exhaustion. First, you have to be mindful to not JADE. Second, you need to be able to response with productive words. Third, you need to shield yourself from her rage, toxic and hateful response. Fourth, you then have to walk away and try to keep your peace, regroup. Yet, five, she'll generally dysregulate (silent treatment; overly critical; nitpick, etc.) for 12 to 48 hours which takes another whole level of energy out of ya.

Lifewithease,
Thank you so much for saying this. You describe it perfectly. The dysregulation took days and while things are peaceful now, I’m left with a feeling that scares me more. You see, I feel I’ve more or less figured out the chaos; I don’t react to her anymore because I see what’s behind everything, and that solves most of what remains of the chaos. But now that that fear and tension is somewhat removed from my inner self, I’m left feeling unfulfilled, like I have to finally confront the question of what this relationship offers me. I’m afraid the relationship has been so much work for so long that there’s nothing else there for me, and when the work takes up less space I just feel empty. It’s terrifying. Have you felt this?

[SaltyDawg]

I agree with LifeWithEase regarding building and maintaining boundaries.  I am actively learning how to maintain these, tweak them, and adapt them for my pwBPD who happens to be my wife.

I use our couple's T to triangulate the boundary issue against my uBPDw - keeping in mind my life coach friend has reminded me often that the T cannot be there 24/7 to act as mediator in these matters.  I am using the T to set the difficult boundaries [no abuse of any kind is to be tolerated in the marriage and family dynamic - 1.  physical abuse, 2. emotional/verbal abuse.  As these boundaries are being set, there will be a lot of pushback from the pwBPD as they are losing some of their percieved freedom/control of running amok creating chaos on their terms without consequences.  Now you are putting consequences for boundary violations in place, and it will be a bit of a power struggle until it becomes more peaceful and manageable - you need to stand your ground, and not tolerate boundary violations, and met out consequences if they are violated, our couple's T has been instrumental in implementing this.

This process of building/establishing boundaries and with enforcement of these boundaries will take months.  It is only in my fourth month of doing this have things started to settle down with regards to boundary violations and maintaining the peace.  Even though I am almost 3 weeks [major borderline-like conflicts] conflict free, this time it feels different than previous cycles, I am very hopeful, that this one will be the one where the drama cycle is broken.

From what I understand, this management of boundaries does get easier with time and from what I have observed this is indeed the case at least in the last 2-1/2 weeks from starting to establish boundaries 3 months ago.  The most difficult part is establishing these boundaries and tweaking them to your individual relationship's needs.

I do know establishing boundaries there was a lot anxiety for me, and I could sense a lot more anxiety for her.  It is not pleasant, but it is necessary to maintain some kind of sanity in the relationship.

If you have any specific questions about setting boundaries that I have take-a-ways on please ask, and I will do my best to answer them for you.

Take care.

[Joaquin]

I agree with LifeWithEase regarding building and maintaining boundaries.  I am actively learning how to maintain these, tweak them, and adapt them for my pwBPD who happens to be my wife.

I use our couple's T to triangulate the boundary issue against my uBPDw - keeping in mind my life coach friend has reminded me often that the T cannot be there 24/7 to act as mediator in these matters.  I am using the T to set the difficult boundaries [no abuse of any kind is to be tolerated in the marriage and family dynamic - 1.  physical abuse, 2. emotional/verbal abuse.  As these boundaries are being set, there will be a lot of pushback from the pwBPD as they are losing some of their percieved freedom/control of running amok creating chaos on their terms without consequences.  Now you are putting consequences for boundary violations in place, and it will be a bit of a power struggle until it becomes more peaceful and manageable - you need to stand your ground, and not tolerate boundary violations, and met out consequences if they are violated, our couple's T has been instrumental in implementing this.

This process of building/establishing boundaries and with enforcement of these boundaries will take months.  It is only in my fourth month of doing this have things started to settle down with regards to boundary violations and maintaining the peace.  Even though I am almost 3 weeks [major borderline-like conflicts] conflict free, this time it feels different than previous cycles, I am very hopeful, that this one will be the one where the drama cycle is broken.

From what I understand, this management of boundaries does get easier with time and from what I have observed this is indeed the case at least in the last 2-1/2 weeks from starting to establish boundaries 3 months ago.  The most difficult part is establishing these boundaries and tweaking them to your individual relationship's needs.

I do know establishing boundaries there was a lot anxiety for me, and I could sense a lot more anxiety for her.  It is not pleasant, but it is necessary to maintain some kind of sanity in the relationship.

If you have any specific questions about setting boundaries that I have take-a-ways on please ask, and I will do my best to answer them for you.

Take care.

Thank you so much my friend. I will definitely take you up on that. I feel I’ve gotten pretty good at not reacting since I posted all this, but last night my wife had a pretty strong reaction to my limit setting and it was a challenge. We were discussing our babysitter’s request for more money, she was characterizing everything in an unfair way imo, and I tried to  balance the facts to make sure we were acknowledging the extra work the sitter did this week TBF. She took that as me taking everyone else’s side etc, basically emotional abandonment or rejection, and her defense of blame came out to give me ownership of her feelings again. I tried to manage the talk calmly while gently maintaining my truth, she got more upset that I’m wronging her. After, I was visibly quiet for 20min or so managing my emotions, trying not to react to the fact that her usual defenses were out again preventing healthy communication. She reacted VERY strongly to my being quiet (she perceives this as me hating her or having deep horrible problems with her) and she kind of blew up and raged over my limit setting, predictably trying to FOG me out of it (“you’ve changed, this isn’t what I need, all you care about is setting your limits you don’t care about me, you keep telling me you love me but it all feels empty now like all that matters is your limits, I need more, I don’t want this, you make me feel like everything is in my head and I can’t have my emotions, etc”). I think I did a decent job of not sponging her emotions and staying firm on my limits while remaining relatively calm and focused and reassuring her of my love.

It was an important reminder that this will be a long and messy process, and the period of calm before it that made me naively think maybe everything is effectively solved is not evidence that these challenges no longer remain.

Do you have sample language you use to set this kind of limit without causing a huge scene? I’m anticipating the next time she tries to give me ownership of her feelings over me doing something I need to do, overreacting to me managing myself and blaming me for whatever she feels over it. Maybe something like “babe, I love you and this is something I need to do rn. I understand it’s causing you stress, but as we discussed I can’t take ownership of that stress for you.” Thoughts?

[Pook075]

Do you have sample language you use to set this kind of limit without causing a huge scene? I’m anticipating the next time she tries to give me ownership of her feelings over me doing something I need to do, overreacting to me managing myself and blaming me for whatever she feels over it. Maybe something like “babe, I love you and this is something I need to do rn. I understand it’s causing you stress, but as we discussed I can’t take ownership of that stress for you.” Thoughts?

My wife was already gone before I found this site, so I don't have great advice in practicing this.  It feels like you have it backwards though, validate her feelings first- "I understand this is causing you stress and I can see why you'd feel that way.  That was not my intentions though, I made that decision because..."

Again, I'm not the one here to give advice there, but that's how I'd approach it.  Hope that helps a little.

[outhere]

But now that that fear and tension is somewhat removed from my inner self, I’m left feeling unfulfilled, like I have to finally confront the question of what this relationship offers me.

This hit me like a ton of bricks.  How much of the relationship is based on *my own need* to be a caretaker?  Upsetting thoughts but truth is hard.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you so much my friend. I will definitely take you up on that. I feel I’ve gotten pretty good at not reacting since I posted all this, but last night my wife had a pretty strong reaction to my limit setting and it was a challenge. We were discussing our babysitter’s request for more money, she was characterizing everything in an unfair way imo, and I tried to  balance the facts to make sure we were acknowledging the extra work the sitter did this week TBF. She took that as me taking everyone else’s side etc, basically emotional abandonment or rejection, and her defense of blame came out to give me ownership of her feelings again. I tried to manage the talk calmly while gently maintaining my truth, she got more upset that I’m wronging her. After, I was visibly quiet for 20min or so managing my emotions, trying not to react to the fact that her usual defenses were out again preventing healthy communication. She reacted VERY strongly to my being quiet (she perceives this as me hating her or having deep horrible problems with her) and she kind of blew up and raged over my limit setting, predictably trying to FOG me out of it (“you’ve changed, this isn’t what I need, all you care about is setting your limits you don’t care about me, you keep telling me you love me but it all feels empty now like all that matters is your limits, I need more, I don’t want this, you make me feel like everything is in my head and I can’t have my emotions, etc”). I think I did a decent job of not sponging her emotions and staying firm on my limits while remaining relatively calm and focused and reassuring her of my love.

It was an important reminder that this will be a long and messy process, and the period of calm before it that made me naively think maybe everything is effectively solved is not evidence that these challenges no longer remain.

Do you have sample language you use to set this kind of limit without causing a huge scene? I’m anticipating the next time she tries to give me ownership of her feelings over me doing something I need to do, overreacting to me managing myself and blaming me for whatever she feels over it. Maybe something like “babe, I love you and this is something I need to do rn. I understand it’s causing you stress, but as we discussed I can’t take ownership of that stress for you.” Thoughts?

Pook had a good suggestion and it will be very similar.

I will use your babysitting real life scenario as an example [btw, sidenote:  a good baby sitter is worth their weight in gold if they engage the child, but if you have one that plays on their phone, while they sit your children in front of a screen that is a different story].

Money is a very big trigger for many people.

"Honey [whatever pet name you use for your wife], I hear you that the babysitter should not be getting more money for her extra services. D  I feel that the babysitter is doing an excellent job, and good ones are hard to find, and I feel that [babysitter name] went above and beyond what she originally agreed to do and we should compensate her fairly for the additional [things] she has done. E" 

if she is rational and not triggered, and she still protests you could add "I think that she deserves the $x's for [whatever she did extra]A, I think this is fair and reasonable." R

At this point, if she agrees, then stop, your job is done; however, if she still doesn't agree with you then proceed as follows by circling back to the babysitters request in different words with the same meaning, being a little bit more firm and appear confident:

"[babysitter name] indicates that she is taking the extra effort to do [whatever extra she has done]M and I think it is fair to compensate her for [whatever extra she has done]." A.

If she still protests, then ask your wife the following...

"Because she has done [whatever extra she has done]; I think what [babysitter name] is doing more by doing [whatever extra she has done].  Is that fair compensation for [whatever extra she has done]?" N

Proceed to negotiate an agreed upon compensation

Don't use the word's 'you', 'but', 'because', 'however'.  Stick to your feelings  For this particular situation, since it involves a 3rd person, the babysitter, use the DEARMAN tool which can be found https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts. -

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?

----
You also said, "After, I was visibly quiet for 20min or so managing my emotions, trying not to react to the fact that her usual defenses were out again preventing healthy communication."

If she is not raging at you, or being irrational, you do need to engage her, otherwise your gray rocking [quiet for 20 minutes] will be interpreted as stonewalling by her which is a relationship killer [Gottman].  Do stay engaged using "I" pronouns only, do not use 'you', 'her', etc.

However, if she does start to rage and/or be irrational.  Do Not J.A.D.E.; however, you must communicate why you are retreating, with a definite time table when you will return by stating something along the lines of "I do not like being yelled at.  I need some quiet time to compose my thoughts on [whatever the topic is]".  If she stops raging, tell her "I will return in 20 minutes to resume this conversation."  [do not use less than 10 minutes, 20 minutes is a good number, I had to use it overnight with my wife as it took her that long to calm down]

If she continues to rage "I still cannot hear myself think, I will return in 20 minutes after things calm down" and proceed to walk out.  This way you validated the need for a conversation; and you set a boundary of you will not be raged at with the consequence you will walk out until things have calmed down for 20 minutes - and then you followed through with that consequence.

This is a modified version of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.

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You also said, "I did a decent job of not sponging her emotions and staying firm on my limits while remaining relatively calm and focused and reassuring her of my love.

It was an important reminder that this will be a long and messy process, and the period of calm before it that made me naively think maybe everything is effectively solved is not evidence that these challenges no longer remain."

It is very important to 'reflect' her emotions, and not absorb them as a sponge.  Use expressions "I hear you that you think [blah, blah, blah]" that way you validate and reassure what you have heard from her, without specifically agreeing to what she has said [which is contrary to what you want - if you do agree, agree with her and make her happy].  Do stay firm on your limits if what she wants is contrary to what you want.

The first several times you use these tools, they will blow up in your face.  Think of it as you are breaking a child or a horse of bad behavior that they are used to doing.  They will not understand why you are doing this the first several times you do this, and they will make a scene by raging and/or acting out irrationally.  I got the cold shoulder, I got yelled at, projected violence, physical violence, arguments, etc.  If she is too stubborn, it may not work.  I had many counselors working on this, and it took many months of work to get to a decent point.  It depends on how 'self-aware' your wife is, and how high-functioning she is.  It may not work, but if it does work, it is well worth the effort.  I am almost at four weeks where there has not been any negative feedback, and she is within the boundaries.

I hope this makes sence to you.  Let me know if you have any additional questions.

Take care.