Daughter's Concerning Posts Online

[exhaustedmama]

My D24 was diagnosed with BPD and OCD about a year ago, but she has demonstrated symptoms of both since early adolescence and was always a "spirited" child.  She refused any form of therapy before she was well into adulthood, when it became much more difficult to access. It has been difficult to say the least and despite having a loving home with a ton of opportunities and support, she really is very unwell.  Lately, it's been obvious she has been struggling.  She moved out on her own a couple months ago and since then it's been one challenge after another. 

Recently she has lost a great deal of weight.  I thought it was because of severe anxiety related to a toxic relationship and depression, which tends to get much worse in winter months.  I have been encouraging her to eat, reminding her that emotional regulation is more difficult if she's hungry/malnourished.  A couple times I have gotten her take-out or taken her out for dinner to ensure she has a good meal.

This past Friday, my daughter sent me a before and after picture of herself celebrating that she's lost 20 lbs.  She is now underweight.  This, along with other concerns, led me to search her posts on Reddit (I've known her username for awhile), and what I found is upsetting.  She has maintained contact with the person with whom she has a toxic relationship (she told me she blocked him), although his behaviour regularly triggers suicidality; she is "sick of her job" and isn't doing anything there and suspects at some point she'll get fired as she has from recent jobs, and she adopted another cat (kitten), though she assured me she wouldn't because she cannot afford it and has trouble taking care of one.

However, the most upsetting thing we've discovered is that she has been posting on Eating Disorder subreddits, joking about eating nothing but apple sauce and her medication and her mother having to "force" her to eat.  She has also posted that she is not yet at her target weight.  She has "anorexia" next to her user name on these subreddits.

My husband I have tried incredibly hard to support our daughter, and it has been exhausting.  It's taken a toll on both of us and our 21S who has now gone no contact with her (another layer of complexity since he lives with us). I truly question whether we have the capacity to now cope with her developing an eating disorder on top of everything else, but ultimately I came here to ask advice. 

Do we tell her we have seen her posts on Eating Disorders subreddits?  I want to challenge her on her self-destructive behaviour before she is too deep into an eating disorder.  However, she will be super angry that I've snooped, which is understandable, I suppose - it's a public site but she has an anonymous username.  She will likely just get a different account and then we won't have access to this information.  As I type this I feel like I have crossed boundaries by looking, while also knowing that it was because I was scared.  It's amazing to me how dysfunctional the symptoms of her disorders have driven me to be at times.  I get anxious, then angry, then sad, then anxious again (wash, rinse, repeat).  What do I/we do from here?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Exhaustedmama
Already exhausted and now faced with this situation. I can only put my point of view but I suggest you take time to think very carefully about the possible consequences of each of the options you have.

The main issue for you is - do you tell you you have seen her posts.

If you tell her she will be angry but will she cut you off? She will surely change her details so you can't access that site in future.

From what you say, she is likely to lose her job in the near future. If/when she does, is she likely to move back home? If she is angry with you is she more likely to move in with the person you had hoped she had no contact with?

Do you have a family GP that you can discuss this with?

I understand wanting to warn our children about the dangers of what they are doing - but how likely is she to take on board what you say? Sometimes they respond by just going underground ie doing what they want but making sure we don't get to know about it.

You are the one who knows your dd best of all and how she could respond to knowing that you know.

In my situation I would not say that I had gone to the site, but I would up the contact with dd and in a couple of weeks perhaps go out for a meal again and tell her you are concerned that she seems to be losing a lot of weight.

If you put that concern in the context of 'are you trying to lose weight, because I am worried that this amount of weight loss could be caused by a serious health issue'.

She will brush you off, but at least you have started a conversation about the weight issue. At this point in time, my focus would be keeping the contact going, bringing up the weight loss issue is as casual a way as possible, talk to a family GP if you have one and be there for her.

My neice had anorexia and there is no easy solution. My sister - her mom - is a 'fix it' type of person and she had to become someone completely different in order to deal with the situation. If she pushed just a little too hard, her dd dug in and things were worse.

In the end it worked out but it was a long journey. As I said, you know your dd best of all and let this guide you in your response to this situation.

Sending lots of thoughts . . . 

[exhaustedmama]

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to respond to individual responses to my post on this website, so I'll respond generally.

I appreciate both responses I received to this post.  I chose to ask my daughter about my concerns without saying that I've seen her Reddit posts.  Frankly, there is enough behaviour to reference to challenge her without the posts.  I asked her to see her doctor with me and explained what I'm seeing and hearing that has me concerned.  I suggested blood work and a medication review may be necessary.  However, I got the usual deflections - I'm crazy, I'm delusional, I'm invasive, etc.  I was told there's nothing I can do about it and if I keep at it she'll "cut me off".

Where we live there really is no option to force an adult into treatment unless they are at significant risk of harm (death) to self or others.  I looked up eating disorder groups and there are waitlists 18-24 months long!  It's absolutely frustrating. At this point, she won't admit there's a problem, so even a waitlist isn't an option. 

I am sorry if I triggered an alarm response when I said she is underweight.  She is, and she plans to lose more; however, she is not yet emaciated and she does (though inconsistently) eat some meals, for example when I take her to a restaurant or order take out. She told me to "calm the f*** down" because she ate "an entire pizza" the other day with her friend. I'm very concerned but truly don't think there's much I can do at this point aside from continuing the dance of loving her, setting boundaries, and being here to support her when she's ready. And continuing to research treatment options. 

Sometimes she will take time to process what I have said and return to it with me; I know I will address it again. 

Much appreciation for your input.

[SaltyDawg]

ExhaustedMama,

   Thank you for the follow-up answer and explaining that your D is not critical with her ED, as she can eat a whole pizza.  That makes me feel a whole lot better.

   Because your D is 24, and she is threatening to go NC [no contact], be concerned about that.  I  know you have her best interest at heart, and that is very commendable. 

   In her posting did she mention how much she weighed?  If so, you can compute her BMI [body mass index] knowing her height.  What is her goal weight, do the same calculation [Google search for 'BMI Calculator'].  If her current or eventual target BMI is 16 or less, be very concerned, my D's was 12.00 [upper end of the lethal range for girls from a technical paper on the crises in Ethiopia a few decades earlier] when I brought her to the hospital after I had returned from sea, 8 days later, she was in hospital recovering against her will - she was also 12 years old at the time, so she had little choice in the matter.  In three months time I was gone she went from being 4% normal (9% healthy weight) to being very unhealthy of -15% of being severely underweight [thinness] with the loss of 20 pounds in the same time frame.  In hospital she put on 35 pounds in a similar time frame to be at the 50% weight for her age and height.

   This is the World Health Organization's (WHO) recommended body weight based on BMI values for adults. It is used for both men and women, age 20 or older.

Category   BMI range - kg/m2
Severe Thinness   < 16
Moderate Thinness   16 - 17
Mild Thinness   17 - 18.5
Normal   18.5 - 25
Overweight   25 - 30
Obese Class I   30 - 35
Obese Class II   35 - 40
Obese Class III   > 40 

   I must apologize for such a triggered response from me, as it hit way too close to home for me, with my own daughter.  I did observe my D's eating habit, and it was close to 700-800 calories per day just before she went into hospital, and when you only mentioned eating applesauce, it triggered me - I did not know about the Pizza.

I appreciate both responses I received to this post.  I chose to ask my daughter about my concerns without saying that I've seen her Reddit posts.  Frankly, there is enough behaviour to reference to challenge her without the posts.  I asked her to see her doctor with me and explained what I'm seeing and hearing that has me concerned.  I suggested blood work and a medication review may be necessary.  However, I got the usual deflections - I'm crazy, I'm delusional, I'm invasive, etc.  I was told there's nothing I can do about it and if I keep at it she'll "cut me off".
I am glad that you did that.  If I were in your shoes, I would NOT let her know about your knowledge of her Reddit posts, however, do continue to monitor them, in order to gain insight to your daughter's wellbeing and health.

I looked up eating disorder groups and there are waitlists 18-24 months long!  It's absolutely frustrating. At this point, she won't admit there's a problem, so even a waitlist isn't an option. 
I understand, that it is not an option now; however, I do suggest signing her up, so in 18-24 months, when she is ready to deal with it, it could be substantially less of a waiting list.  You could always ask to be removed from the list if it is no longer an issue.

I am sorry if I triggered an alarm response when I said she is underweight.  She is, and she plans to lose more; however, she is not yet emaciated and she does (though inconsistently) eat some meals, for example when I take her to a restaurant or order take out. She told me to "calm the f*** down" because she ate "an entire pizza" the other day with her friend. I'm very concerned but truly don't think there's much I can do at this point aside from continuing the dance of loving her, setting boundaries, and being here to support her when she's ready. And continuing to research treatment options. 

Yes, you did 'trigger' me, and I will apologize for it again as I don't want to see anyone's daughter go through that.  I will share some of my coping strategies, as my daughter is a very determined young lady (now 16 yo), and it is still an issue, even though she is considered 'recovered' and has been out of treatment since she was 14 yo. 

Since I imprisoned my D, it wasn't until I confronted my wife, this past fall with her uBPD did my daughter gain my respect from me from a psychological point of view.  My daughter understands the need to maintain weight; however, she wants to eat healthy, and also has issues maintaining it because of that since our culture is obsessed with being thin, especially for that age group.  She also knows that her parents and my uBPDw have a very toxic relationship, and my wife can rage at any one of us, and that is triggering for all of us who are on the receiving end of that. 

Here are some of the methods that I and my family have used to cope with our D's ED.
Since we don't use a scale, she doesn't know how much she weighs.

+Whenever I hug her hello/goodbye, I make sure my hand feels the condition of her rib cage on her back on top of her shirt/blouse, this gives me a pretty good indication if there is enough weight on her. If it is skin covering bone, no softness, it is too light/underweight.  You want to feel some give between her skin and the bone of her ribcage, that is better.  Ideal is a smooth feeling, where you cannot feel the ribs at all if lightly touched.

+My D has a sweet tooth, figure out what high calorie food she loves the most, and give it to her in abundance [like the pizza you mentioned] and do it frequently, that is what her grandmother does.  My D loves pie, so she gets thousands of calories of pie three times per week from her grandmother, and she can't say no to her - yes, this is manipulative, but it is for her own good, and my D has grown to enjoy these treats over the years.  Granted these are dirty calories, but calories none the less.  Underweight people can afford to eat this.  NOTE:  During her formal treatment for AN, it was advised that the whole family eat the excessive calorie load as the person with AN together at the table, I am on the other end of the ED scale with obesity, so if you are overweight and trying to lose weight, it won't help, I usually grab a piece, eat it slowly, and when she is done I stop eating it [portion control].

+If there are two ED's one Class II obese [me], Class I obese [uBPDw], and AN [D16] - I use a 'dirty keto' diet, that is high in fats and low in carbs.  We also had a high carb starchy side to this for her, my wife eats it too, so I lose weight, she gains weight, and we are one big happy family, at least food wise.

+I know your D has a comorbidity of BPD and other issues, you need to manage those too.

+We also avoid TV shows/movies/magazines with skinny people.  I know you can't control that; however, if you see anything like that while visiting [women's magazines], ask to borrow it to get it out of her presence.

Sometimes she will take time to process what I have said and return to it with me; I know I will address it again. 

This reminds me a lot of the 'seed planting tool' mentioned in the “Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad - if you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it.

When you do address it again, use the SET method of communication, to be non-confrontational as practical https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Much appreciation for your input.
You are welcome.

Be sure to take care of yourself too with your own individual therapy [to deal with this], and do exercise, curl up with a movie, or whatever makes you feel good.

Take care, and good luck.

[pbandb89]

Hi there

I realize that the topic has shifted to Eating Disorders rather and BPD at this point. But I'd like to offer up some perspective. (I am a recovering anorexic and my wife is uPBD).

Firstly I'd like to say that simply because someone isn't emaciated, does not mean that their ED isn't in a critical state. Body weight is not indicative of the severity of someone's Eating Disorder. Eating Disorders are severe mental illnesses that have grave impacts on a person's wellbeing, physically, emotionally, cognitively, financially, socially, etc. A person may be of 'normal weight', but unable to maintain healthy relationships, or work, or personal hygeine or self care because their brain is completely hijacked by eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.

I like the recommendation to not let her know that you've seen her posts, but the let her know that you are concerned about her wellbeing because she has lost a significant amount of weight. Make it about how you can support her, ask her what she needs and is she okay, and wants to talk to about it. It's important she feels safe to open up about it and not feel like the conversation is punitave. ED's like to remain very secluded and secrative so as not to feel the threat of losing control over what and when they eat. Being just a safe, non-judgemental space for her to discuss it at her own will, is a great option. 

[exhaustedmama]

Thank you so much for your advice and support, SaltyDawg and pbandb89!  My daughter is angry with me now (just imagine if I'd told her about seeing her posts!), but I will certainly keep all of this in mind as we reconnect.  It is comforting to connect with others who understand what we're going through and have wisdom to share, and to know that we're not alone.  Sometimes my husband and I are at an absolute loss, and though I have a couple incredibly supportive friends, I often feel bad for sharing with them the worst of what we deal with.  It's not pretty.  I'm sending you all the very best.  Please take care.