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Author Topic: Well, you were right, this is no picnic.  (Read 234 times)
thepixies21
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 81


« on: February 01, 2023, 07:05:15 PM »

Well, you all told me in this wasn’t going to be magic, and I can see that now. I’m trying to keep my patience. My uBPDh had a (what genuinely sounds like) a really horrible day 2 in the partial hospitalization program due to some of the people in the group being incredibly rude and disrespectful, and monopolizing the time. Which I do understand, based on what he told me I also would have been pretty upset. So he decided to not go today to talk to his therapist and game plan for tomorrow. And this afternoon, even though he said he would go back, is now saying that he doesn’t think he will. And he told me that while we were in the emergency vet clinic for our dog (she is okay now, just a really bad ear infection). So I just had to sit there for 3 hours feeling so angry and anxious, knowing he was going to blow his top when we get home, and I can’t even leave this tiny room to catch my breath. Ugh! I told him it’s his choice, but he still wanted to “talk” about it when we did get home. So I told him the truth, that I thought one really bad day still isn’t worth throwing away the treatment, and getting a psychiatrist at the end, and that if it were me I would still try one more day at least if there was even a chance of feeling better after I had felt miserable for years. And then he went on a tirade for the next hour about how horrible and childish everyone in the program is, how incompetent the therapists are (because they didn’t stop people from “talking too much”), that everyone there is “special needs” and he’s a “normal guy who just has an anxiety problem”. Normally I would jump in and try to poke holes in what he's saying, but I’ve learned that he’s basically the incredible hulk in these moments and trying to reason does absolutely nothing. I tried to be supportive, I told him I loved him and I’m sorry it’s so hard. But he didn’t accept it and just said “No! It's not that it was hard, it’s that I have to sit there and listen to these idiots trigger me and I can’t do anything about it”. I got a little fed up and I told him that he has the ability to either speak up or tell the group therapist, and that of course did nothing to help his anger. I told him to call his own therapist and he refused. He just went further into rage, talking about how “I already listen to happy music, I don’t need to be told to relax or color stupid pictures”, even though I know for a fact that he has never once in his life tried to do any kind of relaxation exercise and just makes fun of coping skills. I realized he just wants to stew so I’ve left the room and I’m journaling. I’m feeling fed up. He may yet go tomorrow I guess. I’m just trying not to own this recovery for him. He needs to do this for him, or not do it. And if he doesn’t want to get better, I may have other decisions to make. I love him but I don’t know if I can stay with someone who is just a constant rollercoaster. I know part of him really wants to try, but this angry part of him just comes in and torpedoes everything! The frustrating part is he promised that tonight was going to be a night that I can relax and take care of myself. I feel like I can feel the judgment coming off of him when I'm doing stuff by myself right now. But I’m trying my best to take care of myself anyway. This is just so hard. I guess the positive of this is that there were no negative comments about me, and he didn’t try to drag me into a fight like he usually does. Probably because I didn't give him the chance. It’s just so hard to sit there and hear someone spew out all this rage. I’m trying to use all my own coping skills like they’re going out of style (drawing, exercise, journaling, complaining to y’all), but when he gets this rageful it’s hard not to feel it myself…I hope this gets easier.
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SaltyDawg
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Moderately High Conflict Marriage (improving)
Posts: 1239



« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2023, 10:29:03 PM »

My uBPDw isn't doing DBT, however, she does have individual therapy, and it is working.  It was a rough start, even had major issues as of last week, and this started in September.  This week has been pretty smooth, November was somewhat smooth, December and most of January was pretty rough.

Your pwBPD just started, and is on day two if I am following you correctly.  Now is a critical time to keep him in therapy.  He will need these coping skills to deal with high conflict people in real life.  It is very good that he didn't rage at you, but was using you for validation of his feelings.  I think you did a very good job.

Do your best to keep him in some kind of therapy, if this group is not moderated well enough, it may warrant a phone call and asking them specifically why it isn't moderated, and if you 'need to escalate it to the licensing board' of your locale.  Usually a threat like that will get their attention, and better management of the program.  If it is running amok, like he alluded to, that can be problematic.  Perhaps finding another DBT program [ask] would work.  In under no circumstances he should not complete a program.

With you being by his side he has the highest chance of going into remission [like 98% with you, ~60% without you].  From what I understand DBT is the best for this.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

I know this can be very exhausting.

My number one recommendation is for you to do self-care [sounds like you are] as you need to recharge for this ultramarathon.

Take care of yourself first, and take care of him next.
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