The better you are, the angrier they'll get, the more they'll manipulate?

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So basically, it feels like, the fact that I've worked hard on myself, worked through a lot of my trauma, and developed a lot of healthy attitudes, a lot of patience, understanding and care, actually might have made some of their behavior worse?

Like, I have this nagging feeling that the fact that I've been so patient, understanding and compassionate, might make it sting that much more for them, when I can't fulfill what they need, when I feel upset at them, need space, or don't want to be around them, and what not. Like, it reaffirms the fact that they are unlovable, and that makes them even angrier, it makes them even more desperate, which leads to more manipulation, and just generally worse behavior.

This isn't some humble brag. I think most people are capable of a lot, if they work hard on themselves. I just feel like if I rolled in the dirt more with them, they might not have been quite as bad, as they were to me.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So basically, it feels like, the fact that I've worked hard on myself, worked through a lot of my trauma, and developed a lot of healthy attitudes, a lot of patience, understanding and care, actually might have made some of their behavior worse?

Like, I have this nagging feeling that the fact that I've been so patient, understanding and compassionate, might make it sting that much more for them, when I can't fulfill what they need, when I feel upset at them, need space, or don't want to be around them, and what not. Like, it reaffirms the fact that they are unlovable, and that makes them even angrier, it makes them even more desperate, which leads to more manipulation, and just generally worse behavior.

This isn't some humble brag. I think most people are capable of a lot, if they work hard on themselves. I just feel like if I rolled in the dirt more with them, they might not have been quite as bad, as they were to me.

[keepitup]

Hi there!

Totally agree with your post. That was my experience with my ex bpd boyfriend. The moment I had success at my job or made new friends, he would be more controlling or say mean things to me. I think too that it reminds them of their own flaws, of their self-loathing. Easier for them to be around people with difficulties, since they think their situation is not so bad after all.

Best regards,

[Mutt]

Hi NarcsEverywhere,

I read your other post about letting go and you mention that you've developed a healthier attitude. It sounds like you might be setting boundaries as part of this healthier attitude, when we don't give the anticipated reaction that our pwBPD is used to, they will act out.

[SinisterComplex]

This isn't some humble brag. I think most people are capable of a lot, if they work hard on themselves. I just feel like if I rolled in the dirt more with them, they might not have been quite as bad, as they were to me.

People are capable of a lot more than we are aware of. You hit the nail on the head though...it takes work and hard work at that and the majority of people aren't willing to do the hard work on themselves they should.

Also, keep in mind that when you start setting boundaries you will experience what you have...a lot of S . Why? Because your behavior in the other's eyes is that you are a "nice guy" and pushover more or less. Now, I am not saying that...I am giving you the perspective of how the other's views subconsciously work so do not take offense my friend as I say that with no disrespect intended. When you have predictable long standing behaviors other people do not adjust to it so well when you make changes.

It may be hard and you may catch hell for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself but I assure you it is the right thing to do. Live life how you want to...not how others think you should. You only have to please yourself and be happy with YOU. Beyond that you let the universe handle it.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Pook075]

I don't know if that's true in my case, my ex still gets panic attacks when thinking about talking to me, then she's very calm and kind once we do talk.  It's very strange.  She called me last week though about an emergency (mutual friend is very sick) and we had a completely normal conversation about our lives- that sort of freaked me out more than anything.  How was it so normal after months of very limited contact?

It seems like her anger from devaluing me is gone, and I find myself wanting to message her 'Happy Valentine's Day!'  I'm not going to though because I don't want to feed into that anymore.  I guess it's normal to still love someone and care about them, while also wanting nothing to do with them.

[jaded7]

So basically, it feels like, the fact that I've worked hard on myself, worked through a lot of my trauma, and developed a lot of healthy attitudes, a lot of patience, understanding and care, actually might have made some of their behavior worse?

Like, I have this nagging feeling that the fact that I've been so patient, understanding and compassionate, might make it sting that much more for them, when I can't fulfill what they need, when I feel upset at them, need space, or don't want to be around them, and what not. Like, it reaffirms the fact that they are unlovable, and that makes them even angrier, it makes them even more desperate, which leads to more manipulation, and just generally worse behavior.

This isn't some humble brag. I think most people are capable of a lot, if they work hard on themselves. I just feel like if I rolled in the dirt more with them, they might not have been quite as bad, as they were to me.

I've thought a lot about this, and I think you are on to something important. Very good thinkers on narcissistic abuse and BPD have stated this very thing.

Your kindness, your refusal to roll in the mud with them (and resort to the name calling and anger and putdowns they use) cause them to get MORE angry at you and devalue you more.

It's about, I think, your decent behavior triggering shame in them, because they know at some level that their behavior is wrong and bad but can't own it and acknowledge it...that is too dangerous for their ego, therefore they ATTACK you and think even less of you.

I have often wondered if I just simply fought back in her style she might have respected me more, but I don't want to be that person. And I thought my kindness and calmness would make her feel 'safe', even when she's attacking me, and therefore she would realize she doesn't need to behave that way and that I'm a good person.

Complete failure.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey everyone, thanks for all of the responses. Gonna respond in general, because I am too tired to respond to everyone. I think, you know, I'm putting my foot down on my Dad (Covert Narcissist), and I guess it worries me, that me trying to force respectful boundaries onto the relationship, is going to cause his behavior to spiral. Right now he is pandering a lot, and I'm trying to not take help that I don't need, gifts that I don't need. Only what is necessary. I have no choice though, I'm not putting up with abuse.

But yes, I think they have so much misery and therefor jealousy, that it leads to revenge seeking behavior. So your happiness drags them down and they lash out. Still, I'm not putting up with a lot of stuff anymore.

I expect my Dad to ask before he talks to me extensively, or talks when I am busy. With a normal person, I might be able to have more flexible boundaries, but since he tries to get away with as much as possible, he can't be afforded that. I guess I don't expect perfection, but it's going to have to happen a lot more. This is about respect.

Secondly, I am allowed to feel any feeling in the house, and he needs to leave me alone if I am pissed or sad or whatever. As long as I don't take it out on him. I told him that he better not mess with me on this, or there will be consequences.

I guess I'm sort of grey rocking him or something for the most part. I don't want to share many of my feelings with him, although I did share with him that I was scared to feel feelings in the house, which I shouldn't have told him, since he'll find a way to use it against me, but I told him I'm not going to live like that.

Also told him, I'm not putting up with abuse towards me and the pets.

I am unsure what consequences to have. I know a lot of times walking away from him is a good strategy. I feel a strong need to speak my truth to him, but it seems so unproductive. I think calling him out is exhausting, so I haven't been bringing up all his behavior from the past, and I plan on just addressing it as it comes up. Anyone know if I should call out his manipulations, or does that just empower him too much? I feel like I should call it out, for my own sanity, and to hold him accountable, but it's exhausting dealing with all the irrational stuff, and I almost feel like ignoring a lot of it and walking away, or setting a boundary/expectation is the best strategy, since if I try to reason with him, it's more likely to devolve.