Struggling with relationship with sister with bpd

[kitkat90]

So I was raised by a Mother who struggled with borderline personality disorder and was very emotionally abusive, she passed away a long time ago, and I have come to terms with. I have 4 older sisters and we all struggle to one degree or another with different traits of borderline personality. Right as the pandemic hit I moved out of my Dad's house into my first apartment which was a huge deal for me! One of my sister's who is 12 years older than me and my nephew who was 13 at the time were needing somewhere to stay so I offered for them to come stay with me. Long story short it was a bad idea, nothing I did was good enough and I felt like I was being nitpicked at constantly and couldn't relax in my own space and the way she would talk to me felt like how my mom which would trigger me. my sister has always struggled with working and money (she cleans houses part time and has back issues and anxiety so she doesn't work very much). I tried to talk to her in a gently loving way about how I felt and looking into other options for work or finding somewhere else to live but it always ended up in horrible arguments and her giving me the silent treatment or lashing out and accusing me of not being supportive enough and not caring about her. It got so bad that I ended up offering to share my car with her because her's didn't have air conditioning which she would drive to work and I ended up having to buy new car. I ended up having to give her a date to move out by. Before she moved out she found and read my journal where I had vented my frustrations after she had gotten really angry at me one day and I had said something like I wanted to tell her to get the f out of my house and she was acting like a huge victim. Now she will not let this go and uses this as proof that I have been fake to her and never loved her and that's how I really feel about her. Going to family get togethers is extremely difficult and tense and no matter how I try to smooth things over with her things get put back on me or she does things to push me away and then gets upset that we don't talk. I'm really struggling with healing from all of this, what I described went on for 2 years, she is in a better place emotionally now and found low income housing and is working more. But I am at a loss on how to handle the push/pull dynamics I have a feeling that it is always going to be this way so I need to learn how to cope with it.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome kikat,  

Glad you found us! Dealing with a pwBPD traits is so hard. Sounds like you had a particularly rough couple of past years to say the least.

Before she moved out she found and read my journal where I had vented my frustrations after she had gotten really angry at me one day...Now she will not let this go and uses this as proof that I have been fake to her and never loved her and that's how I really feel about her...But I am at a loss on how to handle the push/pull dynamics I have a feeling that it is always going to be this way so I need to learn how to cope with it.

Isn't it interesting how that now you are the problem? She violated your privacy by reading what you use for self care, journal writing, and is now using that as a weapon against you. No matter that she was in the wrong for violating your privacy.

What we see here is classic Splitting (be sure to check out and read the link). My T refers to this as the "naughty and nice list" that pwBPD have and keep. Unfortunately there's no way to get off their list, no convincing them or changing their minds. Unless they decide you've done something to get off it, you're stuck there.

Here's the good news about that: you can be whole and focus on you and self care now, and the energy you've put towards trying to clear this up can be refocused on something positive and healthy for you. She doesn't need to wield the journal as a weapon over you anymore.  You get to choose how to respond to her unkindness towards you. No more need to feel Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).

It can help if we focus on the facts vs our feelings when things get super intense in moments of dealing with guilt or shame or whatever emotion we may be having with regard to a pwBPD. (i.e. What am I feeling about the fact that I wrote about her in my journal? What are the facts about her reading my journal?)

What do you think?

 
Wools

[Mommydoc]

Kitkat90, this sounds like a very difficult situation. 

There are a lot of positives to celebrate in your story.  First, congratulations on your moving out and getting your own apartment.  You are clearly a very kind person to take in your sister and nephew and to let her use/give her your car.  The most positive thing in the story, is your self awareness that it was not working, setting a boundary and insisting she move out!  And because of your boundary, she has made progress and is much more self sufficient.  Double congratulations on that! 

Unfortunately there's no way to get off their list, no convincing them or changing their minds. Unless they decide you've done something to get off it, you're stuck there.

Wools is right.  She was in your home as a guest, and she invaded your privacy.  You have been nothing but kind, and she is the one who was wrong.  AND she will never acknowledge it.  My sister wBPD will go to the grave with a laundry list of all the things I did to wrong her, many of which have some remote basis, but are mostly projections and distortions.   

The other good news is that you have the space now to work on yourself, how you feel and how you react.  When we are always “reacting” to the pwBPD,  we are often suppressing our own feelings and don’t have the opportunity to heal.  As you describe your childhood and journey, it sounds like you are taking many healthy steps towards healing, but be patient with yourself.  It will take time.  This forum and the readings Wools provided are a perfect start.  Please keep posting and reading others posts.  There is so much to learn about our selves through seeing we are not alone and learning and supporting others who are experiencing similar things.