Can someone explain to me why I'm getting triggered?

[NarcsEverywhere]

So like, I'll be fine, and a couple of things are triggering me with my Dad. So first off, I realize he needs me to thank him a lot, and since I depend on him for things, I tend to feel an abnormal amount of pressure to do this, because if I don't, his behavior deteriorates, and I'd almost rather say it when I'm not ready, than deal with him getting pissy, especially if it impacts how the pets are treated.

Second, if he slightly walks past a boundary, even if it's not his fault, because I haven't set them clearly, even if I don't think he's trying to walk past it. I tend to feel very angry.

And I guess the third thing, is sometimes I'll be like "just focus on yourself", but the codependent in me will be all concerned with him, and ask what's bothering him, when he's not looking well. This also makes me feel angry.

So, I think you know, even falling slightly into codependency with him, is causing me to feel enraged? Like, I guess because in all these instances, his needs are being put above my own. Either because I wasn't ready to thank or show concern for him. Or because I wasn't really ready to be around him. Also, I suppose it's hard for me to know what the boundaries I need to set are. Overall, it works best for me to not even be around him, most of the time.

I guess him subjugating me, and training me to put up with him walking on me, has caused me to get so easily triggered. I think I need less time around him. Anyone have any insights?

Edit: To me it looks like the trauma bond, god it is all so sick.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi NarcsEverywhere,

It sounds as if you're in the dance that takes place between a person with a PD and the non disordered person. It's a dance that we learn well when we grow up in a dysfunctional FOO. It keeps us hyper-vigilant because if we don't dance, well, the world kinda falls apart for us. I certainly learned it well too, step by step, because my uBPDm was not only BPD but also a raging N, and my ex was a covert N. When someone steps on our toes during the dance, our anger sets in (i.e. boundary violation) because we've been doing all we can to please, to survive, and to not make it worse.

I wonder if the hyper-vigilance is what's keeping you in this place, and you're getting tired.

I haven't followed your story close enough to know if there's any opportunities for you to not be around your dad?

 
Wools

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Woolspinner2000,

Thanks for your response. Yes, this is a part of it. I'm learning how to manage my Dad, and it makes me hyper vigilant, and perfectionistic. I have to come to terms with where I am at, and deal with things more on the fly. Unfortunately, I also have to have good contingency plans and consequences, so it's a balancing act, between planning and relaxing. Caring for myself and not. I'm trying hard to shed to codependency, and severe the trauma bond, but it's hard because I have agoraphobia, and I'm so dependent on him at this point.

I've been working on walking, with a little bit of success, but I'll take any progress at this point.