Need help and guidance with unique circumstances

[465peter]

Really need some help; I really believe my situation is very unique, although I am hoping it’s not so unique in that I can get good/experienced advice; it’s a very long story but will make it as succinctly as possible.

best sum-up of everything:
essentially I can’t leave, my father would be 100% screwed if I did, so I need to know how I can survive/cope or even try to help. ( I understand people with BPD do not change, but there has to be ways to work around the issues/triggers tantrums, the constant extroverted energy need)

My father has BPD, I am a caretaker, we both work together in a family business (over 10 years). Although I just recently started to understand all these terms and finally manage to connect all the pieces and understand why my father is the way he is. I am 99% sure it’s BPD and not just narcissism, he had encephalitis at young age and almost died and lived a very traumatic childhood and traumatic experience at age 12 when the only one that he felt safe around was his father; after that it was one crazy event after another (all these events were confirmed by other family members and friends); so I totally understand that the way he is, is not actually his fault, actual physical brain trauma combined with several early childhood traumas make him the perfect definition of BPD, intense fear and inability to be alone yet behaves in such a way pushes everyone away from him along with all the other traits of BPD.

there has been so many events that have taken place along past years that make all this very complicated. A part of me just feels like its on the edge of losing my sanity and want to abandon everything, run away and disappear and another part of me loves my father and understands whats going; but the frustration of living day in and day out aspiring to do so much only to feel like I am carrying around a thousand pounds on my shoulders  while trying to reach my own goals in life; as each new year comes and it seems that things are getting worse and worse, I have less and less time, I have somehow turned into a machine that only work 24/7 to work and caretake.

I need help in understanding how to deal more efficiently with him; leaving is not an option unfortunately, it was several years ago but now if I tried to simply quit everything and start a new life by myself; it’s not that I don’t or can’t myself, it’s that my father is alone no one could bare to stand living with him yet alone take care of him other than me. I truly feel that at this point in my life god put him in my life to prevent me from doing many things that he did not want me to do. But the issue now is that because he has BPD, part of his traits are a self-sabotoging actions that are starting to take toll on the business (although he blames them all on me); lately he has been having more and more temper tantrums that are staring to take toll on the family business and also on me, it seems everything is collapsing. If it collapses I can’t picture what would happen.

My father is actually a very well known figure with incredible good reputation, I truly hope this forum is private as writing this in a forum is something I though I would never do, but I need to do something and I don’t have social life so I can’t really talk to anyone about this. Any input is much appreciated, I left out  A LOT of information about this, I didn’t want to make this so long tried to put most important things.

any input, direction or anything at all very much appreciated

[GaGrl]

Welcome...we're glad you found us, although your reason  is difficult. We can help and support you.

A number of members have been caregivers for elderly parents with BPD. I moved my mother into our retirement house after my father died, where she lived alone with a paid caregiver coming in three times a week. Then we retired and moved into the house with her. She died in home hospice in 2021. It was the most difficult task I've ever faced, and my mother had only a few BPD traits, not full-fledged BPD.

What is causing you the most distress right now -- the issues with the business, or the caregiving tasks?

[Pook075]

Really need some help; I really believe my situation is very unique, although I am hoping it’s not so unique in that I can get good/experienced advice; it’s a very long story but will make it as succinctly as possible.

best sum-up of everything:
essentially I can’t leave, my father would be 100% screwed if I did, so I need to know how I can survive/cope or even try to help. ( I understand people with BPD do not change, but there has to be ways to work around the issues/triggers tantrums, the constant extroverted energy need)

My father has BPD, I am a caretaker, we both work together in a family business (over 10 years). Although I just recently started to understand all these terms and finally manage to connect all the pieces and understand why my father is the way he is. I am 99% sure it’s BPD and not just narcissism

Hey 465, welcome to the forum and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Your situation is unique, in some regards, but it also common in the sense that many have parents suffering from BPD.

For starters, read the help sections of this website and learn how to communicate more effectively, avoid common triggers, etc.  There's also many great books out there; I'd recommend starting with "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" since it has a lot of practical advice you can put into play immediately.

Also consider therapy for yourself since you are dealing with actual trauma and need a healthy outlet.  You can use this forum for that as well and there are many here that have your shared experiences, so having people relate is a big help all in itself.  Just let us know what you need to talk about and how the community to help.

Oh, and about your parent being a well-known figure...there's no reason to talk about any of that.  We're all anonymous here and nobody will be asking you for any sort of personal info.  So be very specific with your questions (like, How do I deal with this situation when he does that) but very general with any circumstances.

[465peter]

Welcome...we're glad you found us, although your reason  is difficult. We can help and support you.

A number of members have been caregivers for elderly parents with BPD. I moved my mother into our retirement house after my father died, where she lived alone with a paid caregiver coming in three times a week. Then we retired and moved into the house with her. She died in home hospice in 2021. It was the most difficult task I've ever faced, and my mother had only a few BPD traits, not full-fledged BPD.

What is causing you the most distress right now -- the issues with the business, or the caregiving tasks?

Thank you for your feedback,

It's mostly that all responbility of the business has fallen on me along with anything that happens to him health wise. Just about anything can be a trigger and I must resolve the issue during a tantrum; in other word he makes a difficult issue significantly more complicated than it would have been; after issue is resolved it seems to relax.

We are currently in a process of moving both business and home at the same time and it's so difficult it's a very time consuming process and very stressful but if I don't give him some time it will trigger a tantrum, but if I can't get the tasks at hand completed it will also cause a trigger; he is completely time blind and unaware of current the circumstances.

Of course if i have to been on the phone to coordinate or resolve in regards to the moving I will not be able to at the same time do something business related.

Technically everything is my fault eventhough he is actually the one who makes the decisions, but lately since we have been with no workers I am automatically the one at fault for everything. I understand during the tantrums of a BPD everything he says and does is actually not personally.

I wish there was a way to make him undestand that the current circumstances at hand are from result of his own actions and that I am actually do the best to help him and that he must have realistic expectactions from the current situation.

On top of all this he has been suffering from back to back health issues; he was fighting a mrsa infection for all of last year and thanks to god it got resolve but know he just passed a kidney stone and got a uti from the stone and its constant battle against time to coordinate dr. appointments, get business tasks done to keep business afloat and hope the that the moving doesn't have any more setbacks.

Its so frustrating because we are a team and working together but he says he sees me like an "enemy" and the source of all his health issues because I am "bad luck" or "bad energy".

This has actually been always like this for past 10-12 years, there is always problem that arises from his own bad decisiones ( i always advise against them but he is the boss does what he wants) He seems incapable of learning from past mistakes. I have to handle them all.

If I would have understood what I do know 7 or even 5 years ago i would had a chance to go my own way but now it's basically impossible because I run all his personal things along with the business things and there is basically no one else, we have a super small family no brothers or sisters, he married 8 times because his relationships never last.

I am wondering if there is way to convince to try the dialectical behaviour therapy; knowing him as well as i do he would rise suspicion and think that my mother or someone else is brainwashing me which could possible make things a lot worse.

I guess it's pretty much everything together but instead of helping he making everything worse and then blames me that it's my fault when it's clearly he sabotaged himself. In a lot of ways I am surprised the business has continued as long as it has because he takes so many sabotaging acts towards it but at the sametime actually wants it to prosper. He whole self is contradictory in nature, everything action he does is a contradiction of another action he does later.

Thanks for listening

[465peter]

Hey 465, welcome to the forum and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Your situation is unique, in some regards, but it also common in the sense that many have parents suffering from BPD.

For starters, read the help sections of this website and learn how to communicate more effectively, avoid common triggers, etc.  There's also many great books out there; I'd recommend starting with "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" since it has a lot of practical advice you can put into play immediately.

Also consider therapy for yourself since you are dealing with actual trauma and need a healthy outlet.  You can use this forum for that as well and there are many here that have your shared experiences, so having people relate is a big help all in itself.  Just let us know what you need to talk about and how the community to help.

Oh, and about your parent being a well-known figure...there's no reason to talk about any of that.  We're all anonymous here and nobody will be asking you for any sort of personal info.  So be very specific with your questions (like, How do I deal with this situation when he does that) but very general with any circumstances.

Thank you,

I guess really I am trying to learn how to do is somehow "hack" each situation; I don't know certain words are better, normally I just tell him everything is going to be ok and I will handle it; but that doesn't do the trick. when a trigger happens he goes to the extreme of saying I did something on purpose to make him get upset when it's quite the opposite, I have learn over the years what NOT to say, but I have been able to find ways to make him feel safe or make him understand that I am with him %100.

That's one thing; also once a trigger does entice a tantrum while in the middle of a very dire situation that needs my immediate attention who can I get him to understand that it's not that I am ignoring him or "abandoning" him but simple me trying to resolve the issue to his best interest instead of the other way around.

[Couscous]

I wish there was a way to make him undestand that the current circumstances at hand are from result of his own actions and that I am actually do the best to help him and that he must have realistic expectactions from the current situation.

Because of the role that shame plays in BPD, it is actually an unrealistic expectation on your part to expect him to be able to understand this. Perhaps you could benefit from working with a counselor to help you extricate yourself from the business from someone with expertise in the area of family businesses like this: https://www.family-institute.org/therapy-programs/family-business-program

[zachira]

Your circumstances are not so unique as you may think which hopefully helps you feel less alone. My mother with BPD was determined that her children would never be legally, financially, and emotionally adults, and left things in such a way that there are many financial and legal obligations with my disordered siblings that may never get resolved. Know that there is indeed hope, that you can take steps to make things easier for yourself, that it takes time, being proactive, and setting healthier boundaries with the disordered people in your life. Above all, value yourself as deserving of the best life possible. Can you list your priorities as you see them in the moment? Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by making the list if you choose to do so; as we become more empowered about what our choices are, know that those choices will change considerably over time as the healing processes and better life begins. It can help to remember that small changes can end up being big changes that make considerable differences in your quality of life.