My difficult, elderly mother.

[Kaybee7]

Hi

I'm new here.  I'm 50 and I suspect mum has a personality disorder.  She is now 78.  I'm in constant stress and she is always in the back of my mind.  I'm trying to figure it all out at the moment. 

My mother wasn't physically violent, apart from the odd smack.  It was the mind games which I found to be more painful.  She constantly withheld love and affection, criticised, bickered and controlled.  If she ever did anything nice for me, I had to behave a certain way or I'd hear about it.  I was always having to clean or be doing something. If I rested I was called lazy. There were just so many little things which I can't even keep track of.  My late father enabled her.  He was passive, but he never argued against her behaviour.  My younger brother was the angel of the family.  She never said a mean thing to him. I'd often get them blame for things he had done. Anyhow, I could write an encyclopaedia on my mother.

Shes never been formally diagnosed as far as I know. When I was in my 20s, mum spent about 6 months or so in a psychiatric hospital. She was in a dissociative state, brought on by a change in her antidepressants.  She said it was the doctors fault and that she wasn't diagnosed with anything there. I find that hard to believe. She needed 3 rounds of shock therapy to be brought out of the dissociative state.

The main thing I have issues with now, are random memories emerging, feeling like I still owe her something, feeling afraid of her even though I depend on her for nothing, I have poor memory of my past. Even after an argument we had a couple of weeks ago.  She had said some awful things, and my brain seems to have already began forgetting.  I wonder if I have always done that.  My dream would be to go no contact.  Even though I have very limited contact, she calls me and it makes me feel in constant dread of her next call. Even if she is nice.  I never feel relaxed on weekends etc, because I know she will call or want something. I say no alot.  But even still I feel anxious. She is a frail old lady now and I feel like I'm stuck in the fear, obligation and guilt mode.  But I've realised my parents taught me that I was guilty all the time. Even when I wasn't. So I'm here trying to heal. Over the years I've been an alcoholic (sober for about 4 years now)and I've had loads of volatile relationships. I've been single now for 8 years. I've been a horrible person myself and wondered if I have bpd too. Its a struggle to know who I am alot of the time.  I am hoping to get through all this before I get much older. So much of my life has been wasted. If you got through all this, thankyou for reading. I've just started therapy for dealing with mum. Thanks again. 

Kind Regards

K

[Methuen]

Hi Kaybee,
Welcome to our forum.  There’s quite a few of us here that are struggling with an elderly bpd parent, so you are not alone with that burden.

Personally, I can relate to the emotional manipulation, the dread, the anxiety, fear, guilt….and always feeling like we owe more.

I have found this community to be a big support., and I hope you will too.

[WalkbyFaith]

Hi Kaybee. I'm glad you found this forum. You are definitely not alone in your feelings and struggles.

But I've realised my parents taught me that I was guilty all the time. Even when I wasn't. So I'm here trying to heal.

I really identified with this! Guilt (over everything) is something I've been having to work hard to overcome as well.

Good to hear you've started therapy and I hope it is really helpful for you. Hang in there. We are here for you! What would stop you from going no contact at this point?

[Kaybee7]

Thankyou Methuen and Walkbyfaith. 

I've been reading through the posts from others in a similar situation.  I've felt so alone in all this. 

I ask myself every day why I didn't go no contact. I could have years or decades ago.  For a while I thought it was me that was the problem.  I was diagnosed with adhd, depression and generalised anxiety in my 30s.  My parents seemed happy.  It was like, see, you were a difficult child.  I even felt I was truly the black sheep and I lived up to that status for many years.  My enabling Dad died a few years ago.  He left mum about 4 years before he died, so I was saddled with her.  Although she doesn't live with me, she lives ten minutes away.  She is frail but still can be horrid.  At the same time she can be sweet.  After Dad died, she seems happy to pass all the blame onto him.  She wasn't sad at all about his dying. 

I just keep my boundaries very strong, but going no contact would be amazing. If only I could get out of the FOG.  I feel sorry for her. But she's always been good at being meek and mild.  Till she isn't.  Well, thanks again for the replies.  Take care.  Kaybee