Got into an argument with my son and did all the wrong things

[Wise Swami]

After 3 hours in a circular conversation (mistake #1), I blew up at my son (mistake #2) and stopped listening (mistake #3).   I'm feeling tired and defeated even as I have to work.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

After 3 hours in a circular conversation (mistake #1), I blew up at my son (mistake #2) and stopped listening (mistake #3).   I'm feeling tired and defeated even as I have to work.

Hi Swami, welcome to the forums! 

We've all done exactly what you just described and very few of us are proud of it.  But at the same time, none of us are perfect and the manipulation aspect of BPD means our loved ones usually know exactly which buttons to push to make us explode.  My BPD daughter as a teenager...oh my gosh, LOL.  I love her so much but there were so many instances where I could have punched her lights out.  I've never hit her, EVER...but her and my BPD wife have gone some rounds.

Could you tell us a little more about what happened?  It may help you to talk it out and it would also let others give you some direct feedback on better strategies to handle those types of situations in the future.  In the meantime, check out the help sections above and let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

[Wise Swami]

I’m beginning to notice a pattern - we go a few weeks or sometimes even months without incident but then things start to devolve when challenges arise. This time, the drama started when my son resumed smoking marijuana.

He has a hard time smoking recreationally however this was the worst bender yet. He was high all day for 3 weeks straight. He topped it with a heroic dose of psilocybin mushrooms and without telling anyone until he started experiencing symptoms of psychosis.

His therapist insisted he be hospitalized. It was a nightmarish situation in the psychiatric ward and because his therapist could not be reached he insisted on being released and was. Since back from the hospital, he’s been hyper vigilant about any perceived judgment about his decision making this go round.

He normally finds someone else to focus his attention and hatred on. For the past few months it was my father, who does show traits of narcissism. Now that we are away from my father, he’s chosen me. This last argument started out when I suggested that he not torment himself thinking about my fathers shortcomings and focus his energy on his life and what he wants to do with his life.

He blamed me and my ex husband for his state because we didn’t protect him from my dad or create a safe environment for him. This is where I got hooked. I took the bait. He brought up various circumstances and I spent way too long disputing them and got defensive.

He lives with me and in anger, I suggested we no longer live together. He brought up that my ex husband warned him that I only thought about myself and that this day would come. I took the second bit of bait there. The divorce is a touchy subject and I doubled down on us not living together. He wouldn’t let me talk so I yelled at him to shut up.

It moved from anger to tears on his part and he stormed out of the house and disappeared for 20 minutes. I apologized for yelling at him but regretted it afterwards. He even seemed to feel entitled to that with no self awareness around his own part in it all.

We’re at the silent treatment stage..

[seekerinlife]

I can SO relate to your post.  You would think I would know by now not to take the bait.  Same circular arguments.  Same trying to defend myself against the unfair accusations.  Finally blowing up.  It was at this stage last Thursday, after 2 hours of putting up with his rants, that I lost it.  He keep saying that we don't have conversations to work out our differences.  I say we don't have conversations because I just fundamentally disagree with him.  I don't tell him how I disagree, just that there's a reason we don't have conversations to work out our differences. 

Just so you know, I refuse to engage in conversations that pit all (fill in the blank, "adoptive parents," "rich people," "police," "people who drive Broncos") as bad.  I refuse to engage in conversation about whether Bill Gates owns more farm land than anyone else in the US (he doesn't, check snopes.com) or what his supposed motivation for owning the supposed farm land is.  I just let him rant because contradicting him will just lead to more insistence that he's right.  But when it gets to be a personal attack about my character, those are the buttons he knows how to push.

We're at the stage of silent treatment, however, he's temporarily staying with a friend.  The friend is "saving him" from his "horrible parents."  Need I say that's a relief to get a break?

I'm with you.  I come to these posts when I get to blaming myself or want to feel less alone.  I hope you find some comfort here, too.  You're not alone.  It's really hard.

[Couscous]

We’re at the silent treatment stage..

Even though it may have been the norm to give people the silent treatment in your family of origin, you may wish to rethink your use of it.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/03/psychology-of-silent-treatment-abuse/618411/

[seekerinlife]

I was going to let this slide but I feel I have to ask.  What did I say that makes you think that I am the person giving the silent treatment, rather than the person being given the silent treatment?  He left to stay with a friend and hasn't communicated with us since.  He's 26.  I can't make him unblock my phone number or force him to come home.

[Couscous]

I was going to let this slide but I feel I have to ask.  What did I say that makes you think that I am the person giving the silent treatment, rather than the person being given the silent treatment?  He left to stay with a friend and hasn't communicated with us since.  He's 26.  I can't make him unblock my phone number or force him to come home.

Oh, my bad. You used the word “we” so it sounded like it was mutual.

I’m sorry that he’s giving you the silent treatment. It’s often repeated on these boards that when you’re subjected to the silent treatment, to take advantage of it and enjoy the silence.