Feelings dump from talking to sister

[WalkbyFaith]

Against my better judgement, I'm still in communication with my sister after she reached out again last week (after almost a year of NC). It looked like nothing had changed with how she was talking to me, so over a week ago I told her I wasn't ready to try again... she let a week go by and then messaged again, and I let myself be hopeful because she sounded nicer that time... but that was a false front, of course.

I feel so tangled in this conversation. She is my baby sister. Of everyone in my screwed-up family, I had the most hope for her. In the past year that hope has been shattered, and it hurts. So it's really hard to shut the door on this relationship yet again, even though that's what needs to happen.

I just wrote this down in my journal after another message from her today:  

"Reading [sister]'s messages makes me feel:
...so angry. Angry that she is brainwashed by my parents into thinking bad of me. Angry that troubles with [ubpd] mom pushed a wedge between me and her. Angry that none of the effort I put in to maintain relationship was seen or appreciated.
...confused and mixed up from the word salad. Why does there have to be SO.MANY.D*MN.WORDS? I can't make sense of half of it.
...misunderstood. She's not really hearing anything I say. I'm talking to a wall, and yet I can't seem to stop explaining myself. It's futile but I feel desperate to be heard and understood.
...so lonely. Not only from being turned against by my family, but because I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it. I feel alone with this pain.
...like a black sheep. Unforgiveable. Nothing I can do or say will ever be enough. I have been labeled and their minds won't be changed.
...minimized, pitied, patronized. She, 14 years younger than me, talks to me like I'm a child. Tries to preach to me about Jesus and forgiveness. Goes on and on about how hard her life has been compared to mine. Then says she prays for my healing.
...gaslighted. My security shaken. My reality questioned. Which way is up? Did I miss something? Am I not who I thought I was?"

[zachira]

You are far from alone in having a sister you can not have a healthy relationship with. I am as low contact as possible with two of my disordered siblings. Our siblings are the people we go through life with and it is a lifelong sorrow not to be able to have rewarding relationships with them.

[Notwendy]

Of everyone in my screwed-up family, I had the most hope for her. In the past year that hope has been shattered, and it hurts. So it's really hard to shut the door on this relationship yet again, even though that's what needs to happen.

I just wrote this down in my journal after another message from her today:  

She's not really hearing anything I say. I'm talking to a wall, and yet I can't seem to stop explaining myself. It's futile but I feel desperate to be heard and understood.
...so lonely.

      Unforgiveable. Nothing I can do or say will ever be enough. I have been labeled and their minds won't be changed.

...gaslighted. My security shaken. My reality questioned. Which way is up? Did I miss something? Am I not who I thought I was?"

I think we all can relate to these feelings. I see the "being nice contact" as an invitation for them to dump their feelings at you, not to hear you out or clear the air. It's hard to not feel as if their being nice might mean that they are ready to hear you, and take that hoped for opportunity to repair the situation, and become close again. Of course we find this hard to pass up, because we feel as if we are the ones to decide to not try for a relationship that we want.

I think we become ready to not "accept the invitation" when we have done it many times and see that, the result is similar- the blaming, the gaslighting, and the not feeling heard. After the conversation, they may feel better, but we are once again, disappointed and sad at the direction it went.

I am planning a visit to BPD mother and she said "I want us to talk about things and clear the air" and she's being very nice. I also know she's had a stressful time moving to assisted living which is stressful on anyone. My reply was that, I'd like to spend the time doing something nice but don't feel that conversation is necessary so let's not be concerned about doing that. I have learned that such discussions are futile and there's only one outcome- feeling like there was no point to doing that.

Keeping in mind that pwBPD ( or those who have learned this behavior) take victim perspective. I think this avoids shame as it's a form of absolution for any transgressions. We don't blame victims. Issues have to be your fault. If I share any of my own feelings with my mother, her reply is how much my behavior has hurt her feelings and then the gaslighting.

I learned in 12 step co-dependency groups that this kind of approach- a disordered person reaching out to "be kind" is like someone offering a drink to an alcoholic. This is kind of like it's our "drink" ( even if we don't drink alcohol at all) - it's the hope, the wish, for us to be able to "fix" the situation, because our feeling the need to fix things is somewhat co-dependent or feeling overly responsible. I also think we will have times where we do accept the opportunity, maybe because, we still want the relationship  but if it the outcome is the same- we  end up feeling upset, we know we tried and learned.

[WalkbyFaith]

Thank you Notwendy; what you said makes a lot of sense. I am starting to recognize (and accept, I think...) the pattern of them wanting to reach out and "fix things" but not actually want to listen to me. My sister keeps saying she wants to "work on our relationship" but can't move forward past re-hashing everything I've allegedly done wrong for the past 10 years. Yet blames me for "talking about the past" even while she's the one doing it.

Anyway. You are right. There is absolutely no point to having the conversation, as it never gets us anywhere but more upset. And they're not willing to have a "tea party relationship" at this point, which inevitably just puts us back into NC.
 
Time for me to learn and accept that I can't take the bait, and we are all better off keeping our distance for a while.

[Mommydoc]

WalkbyFaith, so sorry this happened.  It sounds horrible and it sounds like you anticipated it. 

the pattern of them wanting to reach out and "fix things" but not actually want to listen to me. My sister keeps saying she wants to "work on our relationship" but can't move forward past re-hashing everything I've allegedly done wrong for the past 10 years. Yet blames me for "talking about the past" even while she's the one doing it. Anyway. You are right. There is absolutely no point to having the conversation, as it never gets us anywhere but more upset. And they're not willing to have a "tea party relationship" at this point, which inevitably just puts us back into NC.

I admire you for maintaining NC for a year and having the self awareness after the first outreach to maintain your boundaries. I have a very similar relationship with my sister and have been NC for only 3 weeks. Already, after such a short time, I am considering unblocking her, not really because I expect things to be different, but because I feel guilty about “being the one” to walk away.    But I am also coming to realize that detachment from our pwBPD may be one of the most loving things one can do for ourselves and even for them.  Our relationships with our sisters are not healthy and therefore, we must choose to step away and hope they can get their needs met somewhere else.  My sister has many friends, a husband and a son, and my hope is they can meet her needs. 

[wantyousafe]

I went no contact with my sister for about two years after a particularly bad year where she tried to destroy someone else but ended up nearly destroying herself. I couldn't bear to see what she was doing to herself, but I had also become increasingly resentful of her using me.
Finally, we met up again for a couple of days.
Art first it was fine, sisters can have a special bond: little in-jokes and similar tastes.
Then it started to go "pear shape", she's been to a bloody therapist and all the things about her childhood came out.All of her pain without any understanding of other people or any sign of moving on.
I realised that although I love her, I cannot be myself with her, I placate, I tiptoe.
Once the blinds are off, you can't go back and if they can't grow, it's their problem.
Best we try to find people we don't have to play games with.

[Mommydoc]

Well said…sounds like you are very grounded.

[zachira]

Wantyousafe,
My heart hurts for you knowing you have realized that even though you love your sister, you know it is not safe for you to be around her. I am LC as possible with my NPD sister, and though it hurts, I know it is the best thing for both of us. She makes me the main scapegoat for a lot of her internal distress. I see pictures of her on social media, and the look on her face is similar to my BPD mother's: depressed and angry. It all so sad, and if there were something we could do to help our disordered sisters, and there is nothing we can do.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey WalkbyFaith,

I recently talked to my sister and I feel the same way pretty much. Angry that I tried so hard at having a relationship with her, when she didn't try much, never reached out to me to ask how I am doing, then when I reached out recently, I realized how much she's gaslighting me, blaming me for everything, and honestly wants to control and hurt me. But I think what I understand most is the loneliness you feel by being estranged from your family, and then on top of that, you feel estranged again, every time you get ignored, invalidated and gaslit. Then you have to deal with all the pain yourself, and there's no one that truly understands, because it's so complicated, right?

I can't say I understand it all for you, I'm having trouble understanding myself right now, but I can say that I totally understand your feelings of loneliness, that I feel so lonely from the same things. People deserve to have their stories at least heard, and even if nothing is said, not completely invalidated. People deserve not to be scapegoated and blamed for everything. And we're no different.