I've been sticking up for myself the most I have in my entire life

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been piling on reasonable expectations to allow me to heal and to let my Dad earn any trust, I've been waving my finger assertively, I've been speaking my truth loudly, because I am confident in it, and I've been expecting respect. I've been giving him respect, by asking him before I talk to him a lot of the time, considering what I say, and not judging him with my words, and trying to correct it if I make a mistake (it's hard to do this).

I had to also see through all his manipulations, or most of them, and not buy into any of them, by not feeling obligated, not asking what he thinks, because I don't trust it, not letting him cross my boundaries.

Anyways, I told him, my time is valuable, my trust is earned, and my right to feel safe, feel my emotions and have security are all non negotiables. I've been trying to alternate cooking days with him as a way to remain connected in some way, we don't eat together. I communicate to him only about the pets and food and working out our boundaries, I let his life be his own issue. That's the terms of our relationship. I've also said that I won't put up with abuse towards me and the animals. But also I don't pressure him to do much for them either, just the basics like help with caring for their physical needs, and he takes the dog out in the yard once or twice a day.

Last night I was tired, and I think he intentionally dropped pills, pouted by tossing cookware, and whined and played the victim, and I didn't buy into it, then he crossed my boundary and bothered me where I rest outside. The next day, I got pissed off and said "I'm taking a day for myself, I'm not talking to you today, and I explained why, that he messed with me when I was dead tired. Then I explained what he did, how he crossed my boundary and tried to get me to pick up the pills for him, he explained that his knees hurt and honestly he sounded like a kid, which is so hard not to feel sorry for, but I'm trying not to. Normally I'd really care that his knees were hurt, but since I'm so far gone and I know he does this crap to get attention, I didn't put up with it, and I told him, if you want me to do something, you can ask, and I was tired, so I'd say no anyways. I keep trying to get him to ask, and he rarely does. I also told him I'll thank him for stuff, but it's on my own time frame, because otherwise I resent it. I told him, I don't need thank you, I can do that myself. And I keep telling him his life is his responsibility, and I can't help a person who doesn't help himself, that it's not even possible. I told him that the other day, when I told him life isn't about winners and losers, that you can mutually benefit each other, and that the worse I am doing, the less of me he gets, and the better I'm doing, the more of he me gets.

I also, got into a few arguments with him, but I didn't personally attack him and he sounded like a kid again, but I was pissed, and I'm trying not to feel sorry for him, but since he was being irrational, I told him "You think what you think, I'll think what I think, I don't want to try to convince you of anything right now" And I stormed off, outside, and man, I felt this enormous wave of freedom blast over my body for a bit, like I had given up control over something, I had tried to control for so long, this freedom felt so good, but also kind of scared me, because it felt like too much. I had this happen one other time recently, but not as intense.

Anyways, I've been walking and making it a bit further, and getting out in my yard, but I haven't dealt with the neighbor lady, who is also a Narcissist, and I'm going to have to soon, so I have more freedom. I know how to say "I don't want to talk" and other such things now, so that's what I'm gonna try first. One thing I'm realizing is that it's super empowering to like, come and go where you want, when you want, and you don't have to feel scared or obligated, you can face things when you want, ignore people when you want and walk away when you want. You have that choice, and it feels good. It's not an act of cowardice to not be ready to face someone, it's protecting your mental health, so that you CAN deal with it, when you're ready.

Today I told my Dad, I'm gonna do my own things and be lazy today, and I expect to be left alone, I expect that to be respected. And that if he wants to EARN some of my trust, he will have to respect it, and if he doesn't I'll pull back even more. Also told him that the most basic form of love is respect for each persons emotional and physical needs, and the need for safety.

I'm realizing that my sister is a Narcissist too, because she gaslights me, tries to control me, holds help over my head, gives me the silent treatment, immediately invalidates my experience, without considering it, and shows a lack of empathy. I'm dependent on her and my Dad to survive, so standing up to her is going to be hard too, but it's something I need to do. Anyone else can wait, but I can't keep martyring myself for these pets, it's never going to work, I can't give up all my strength out of fear. If these people want to help me, they're going to have to do it, without any strings, or with a reasonable expectation of later payback, I'm not gonna feel indebted and sacrifice my dignity for them anymore. And if they want a relationship with me, I'm gonna demand respect, because otherwise we aren't having one. If I saw a fast way out of this, I'd just do it all myself, but I don't.

A summary of some of the stuff I think that's been happening with the people in my life. I think my sister maybe let my cat out when I lived with her intentionally, then took zero responsibility for it, then helped me with stuff so I felt indebted, bossed me around, telling me how to live my life, then said I could depend on her with financial help for the pets, then stopped helping and ignored me when my friend killed himself.

Speaking of which, I think my friends mother, who I got close to after he killed himself, is one too, because she acted similarly, and I think she took credit for all the heart felt poems I wrote about him... I actually can live without the credit, but it just feels like it degrades his memory, especially because I think she played him and his Dad against each other and they both died from it, she talked about her ex-husband in such a dehumanizing way.

I think my Dad took credit for all the hard work I've done on the pets, and convinced the vet that I was hurting them a lot, which I occasionally did, but I tried really hard not to. But it was him who was hurting them way, way more. So basically, all these people are taking credit for my accomplishments, pitting people against me, and degrading the memory of the people I loved, like my Mom, the pets and my friend. It all really sickens me. Yuck.

But the fact that I've survived this long, with so many Narcissists in my life, by gaining wisdom and learning coping strategies, is a testament to how strong, and honestly smart I've really been. But god is it overwhelming to emotionally process all of this, and manage my life right now. I'm really proud of myself, but also freaking exhausted, I'm gonna care for myself today, and not strive, I need it. It feels good to reach out, I've wanted to for so long lately, but I've just felt too overwhelmed to do it.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I've been piling on reasonable expectations to allow me to heal and to let my Dad earn any trust, I've been waving my finger assertively, I've been speaking my truth loudly, because I am confident in it, and I've been expecting respect. I've been giving him respect, by asking him before I talk to him a lot of the time, considering what I say, and not judging him with my words, and trying to correct it if I make a mistake (it's hard to do this).

I had to also see through all his manipulations, or most of them, and not buy into any of them, by not feeling obligated, not asking what he thinks, because I don't trust it, not letting him cross my boundaries.

Anyways, I told him, my time is valuable, my trust is earned, and my right to feel safe, feel my emotions and have security are all non negotiables. I've been trying to alternate cooking days with him as a way to remain connected in some way, we don't eat together. I communicate to him only about the pets and food and working out our boundaries, I let his life be his own issue. That's the terms of our relationship. I've also said that I won't put up with abuse towards me and the animals. But also I don't pressure him to do much for them either, just the basics like help with caring for their physical needs, and he takes the dog out in the yard once or twice a day.

Last night I was tired, and I think he intentionally dropped pills, pouted by tossing cookware, and whined and played the victim, and I didn't buy into it, then he crossed my boundary and bothered me where I rest outside. The next day, I got pissed off and said "I'm taking a day for myself, I'm not talking to you today, and I explained why, that he messed with me when I was dead tired. Then I explained what he did, how he crossed my boundary and tried to get me to pick up the pills for him, he explained that his knees hurt and honestly he sounded like a kid, which is so hard not to feel sorry for, but I'm trying not to. Normally I'd really care that his knees were hurt, but since I'm so far gone and I know he does this crap to get attention, I didn't put up with it, and I told him, if you want me to do something, you can ask, and I was tired, so I'd say no anyways. I keep trying to get him to ask, and he rarely does. I also told him I'll thank him for stuff, but it's on my own time frame, because otherwise I resent it. I told him, I don't need thank you, I can do that myself. And I keep telling him his life is his responsibility, and I can't help a person who doesn't help himself, that it's not even possible. I told him that the other day, when I told him life isn't about winners and losers, that you can mutually benefit each other, and that the worse I am doing, the less of me he gets, and the better I'm doing, the more of he me gets.

I also, got into a few arguments with him, but I didn't personally attack him and he sounded like a kid again, but I was pissed, and I'm trying not to feel sorry for him, but since he was being irrational, I told him "You think what you think, I'll think what I think, I don't want to try to convince you of anything right now" And I stormed off, outside, and man, I felt this enormous wave of freedom blast over my body for a bit, like I had given up control over something, I had tried to control for so long, this freedom felt so good, but also kind of scared me, because it felt like too much. I had this happen one other time recently, but not as intense.

Anyways, I've been walking and making it a bit further, and getting out in my yard, but I haven't dealt with the neighbor lady, who is also a Narcissist, and I'm going to have to soon, so I have more freedom. I know how to say "I don't want to talk" and other such things now, so that's what I'm gonna try first. One thing I'm realizing is that it's super empowering to like, come and go where you want, when you want, and you don't have to feel scared or obligated, you can face things when you want, ignore people when you want and walk away when you want. You have that choice, and it feels good. It's not an act of cowardice to not be ready to face someone, it's protecting your mental health, so that you CAN deal with it, when you're ready.

Today I told my Dad, I'm gonna do my own things and be lazy today, and I expect to be left alone, I expect that to be respected. And that if he wants to EARN some of my trust, he will have to respect it, and if he doesn't I'll pull back even more. Also told him that the most basic form of love is respect for each persons emotional and physical needs, and the need for safety.

I'm realizing that my sister is a Narcissist too, because she gaslights me, tries to control me, holds help over my head, gives me the silent treatment, immediately invalidates my experience, without considering it, and shows a lack of empathy. I'm dependent on her and my Dad to survive, so standing up to her is going to be hard too, but it's something I need to do. Anyone else can wait, but I can't keep martyring myself for these pets, it's never going to work, I can't give up all my strength out of fear. If these people want to help me, they're going to have to do it, without any strings, or with a reasonable expectation of later payback, I'm not gonna feel indebted and sacrifice my dignity for them anymore. And if they want a relationship with me, I'm gonna demand respect, because otherwise we aren't having one. If I saw a fast way out of this, I'd just do it all myself, but I don't.

A summary of some of the stuff I think that's been happening with the people in my life. I think my sister maybe let my cat out when I lived with her intentionally, then took zero responsibility for it, then helped me with stuff so I felt indebted, bossed me around, telling me how to live my life, then said I could depend on her with financial help for the pets, then stopped helping and ignored me when my friend killed himself.

Speaking of which, I think my friends mother, who I got close to after he killed himself, is one too, because she acted similarly, and I think she took credit for all the heart felt poems I wrote about him... I actually can live without the credit, but it just feels like it degrades his memory, especially because I think she played him and his Dad against each other and they both died from it, she talked about her ex-husband in such a dehumanizing way.

I think my Dad took credit for all the hard work I've done on the pets, and convinced the vet that I was hurting them a lot, which I occasionally did, but I tried really hard not to. But it was him who was hurting them way, way more. So basically, all these people are taking credit for my accomplishments, pitting people against me, and degrading the memory of the people I loved, like my Mom, the pets and my friend. It all really sickens me. Yuck.

But the fact that I've survived this long, with so many Narcissists in my life, by gaining wisdom and learning coping strategies, is a testament to how strong, and honestly smart I've really been. But god is it overwhelming to emotionally process all of this, and manage my life right now. I'm really proud of myself, but also freaking exhausted, I'm gonna care for myself today, and not strive, I need it. It feels good to reach out, I've wanted to for so long lately, but I've just felt too overwhelmed to do it.

[NarcsEverywhere]

After this I realized that I did things in some super enlightened way, and burnt myself out from being a perfectionist. But it seemed to work, but from this point on, I'm going to cut myself more slack about things. Still feels good to not try to control my Dad's actions and mind as much, and just walk away when he's being so irrational. Also is good to have peace in this house now that my Dad is having much better behavior, because he respects my boundaries, and isn't manipulating me, now that I'm so much better at sticking up for myself.

Also, just cut off my sister and called her out on all her manipulations, and told her I want nothing to do with her. I didn't think it through as much with my Dad, I just tried to call her out, tell her what I know I deserve, and told her, I know the truth, and that I don't really care what she thinks, because I don't think she's honest and I don't think she has good intentions. I guess she's a Narcissist too. I can't believe I've been attracted to so many in my life, .

Anyways, it feels good to stand up to people and not put up with crap, instead of blaming myself for everything that they do. It all seems so screwed up, I feel a huge sense of relief, but also scared of all the unknowns of having more independence.