Hi,
I am so grateful that support sites like this exist. My situation is tricky because the person in question I was relating to was a former friend. On multiple occasions, we breached the friendship zone and attempted to be something more.
We were both mutually attracted to each other, and it seemed very much reciprocal. We initially started out going out on dates for about two months; we matched on a dating app. And he suddenly went off the map without rhyme or reason (hot-to-cold). It was at odds with the intensity at which he was courting me.
I was heartbroken. I did not understand the shift and merely pegged it off as just another roadblock in the modern dating scene. He would mention that he did not want me to develop expectations with him (which should have risen a red flag), but his actions did not align with his words... at all; so I did not know what to believe.
Months went by and he reappeared from the woodworks, right at the start of the pandemic. I was curious, so I indulged his reappearance. I should have known better, but "allowing" him back in, now in hindsight, seemed like a codependent trauma response.
I was treading very carefully this time since it took me a couple of months to get over how he (devalued) me the first time. I kinda liked the dude. We actually developed an awesome friendship this time around and he quickly became one of my closest friends. Albeit, I still had some minor resentments brewing under the surface given how he disappeared the first time... but I was actively trying to overcome them and not let my ego get in the way.
Mind you, there was a mutual attraction. One year into our newfound friendship, lines got blurred--we were both single--and we became intimate. At the pit of my stomach, I felt it was a mistake, but I wanted to hope that maybe--just maybe--he had changed and was more capable of being consistent given that we now had a year of rapport under our belts.
I have a character flaw in that I give people too many benefits of the doubt. I should have trusted my intuition the first time. I also should have had a stronger sense of self-worth.
We were flirty for a few days. In fact, I went on a trip shortly after our newfound intimacy, and he once responded that I hadn't checked in with him and didn't want me to "forget about him". I thought it was endearing, but now that I've deduced BPD, it seems like his "abandonment fear" was triggered by my physical absence. Mind you, I was very consistent in my communication with him, even while on vacation. I was sure of that.
When I returned from my trip, I brought him a gift, and I observed the life leave his eyes. I was witnessing the clear devaluation phase or a "split". All the flirting, affirmations, sweet talk, courting... done! I could not wrap my head around this sudden shift. Did I scare him away by presenting him with a gift? Did I come on too strong? Wasn't I just matching his energy? Did he not just text me to remind me not to forget about him? Am I going crazy?
Communication shifted after that; he became cold and withdrawn, and I was left wondering what went down. I began to self-blame. When I addressed it with him, he had the audacity to tell me that our night of intimacy was a result of us being under the influence and that he could not resist my "big arms."
. I was very annoyed by that comment. Based on that logic, then were we "under the influence" for my entire vacation when we were actively flirting? This felt like a really toxic form of gaslighting. He then explained that he "wasn't ready."
I did address it and let him know that this was unacceptable behavior. I cannot tolerate this type of toxic inconsistency and hot/cold; it's very disarming. He reopened the wound from when we first met, only this time, it hurt more since we had a year of friendship under our belts. But I forgave him in hopes that we could go back to being friends (co-dependent), albeit while trying to mend this reopened proverbial wound.
Fast forward two years later; we both had dated different people, and we served as each others' emotional support during that time. We were there for each other during some trying times. But then, there came a point when we were both single at the same time...
...and to quote Britney Spears: "Oops we did it again!"
Without going into too much detail, we attempted one final time to make it work. I was consistent throughout... but he went from hot-to-cold multiple times... again. When he would go "hot", he would speak about us with a lot of conviction. But then he would withdraw. He got into a habit of casting a stone, but then wanting to retrieve it as though it was never cast. His words were never in alignment with what he was doing. I could not wrap my head around this behavior. I gave him this one final chance putting stock in the fact that we had been close friends for so long.
I guess I thought that such a profound friendship could potentially lead to a mutually satisfying romantic partnership. I was wrong. He was incapable of coming through for me again. When he was at his lows, he would start coming up with every excuse under the sun as to why this would not work, to the point of making some insensitive assertions that made me question how he perceived me during our actual friendship.
There came a point when I addressed the way he made me feel, and he became defensive, deeming my confrontation of his behavior as "unfair." Mind you, I may have not been so forthcoming in my approach, but I did attempt to apologize for the way I handled it... I, too, was triggered by this exhaustingly inconsistent behavior... I snapped. However, he would not let up; I triggered him.
I ended up sending him a text bowing out of the relationship. His response to me was the last straw; in my head, I think I put up with enough abuse. I informed him that I had been very patient and compassionate in trying to honor his needs... but I was tired of doing everything on his terms. I should have bowed out sooner and known better. He lacked the maturity to take any form of accountability. I was willing to honor my codependent tendencies, but he could not look inward.
He reached out a week later after we'd agreed I'd take space. He wanted to know if I'd honor concert plans that we'd initially agreed upon prior to the falling out. I agreed under the terms that we have a really open conversation. At this point, I did not want anything romantic with him; I was very discouraged.
In our conversation, I was able to open up and I thought it was constructive. He assured me that he really wanted me to go with him to this concert; I dishonored my need for space... and so did he. I should have stuck to my gut. He seemed very remorseful.
That was a complete facade. Once again, he went from HOT (wanting to reconcile) to COLD (dismissing me in person because he could not deal with his emotions).
Eventually, I had to go no-contact. I was sick of the back and forth. In my eyes, blocking him seemed to be the only way to move forward. I'd exhausted every emotional resource; I afforded him more patience and chances than the average person should. I'm not proud of the way I left, but I felt like conversations were becoming pointless.
Where am I now? A part of me has always struggled to hold others accountable; I tend to accept most of the blame (it's a trauma response that I'm actively working on). Although I'm not blameless in this scenario, I do understand that I tolerated a lot from this person, and enough was enough.
I know to ghost and to block someone are signs of BPD splitting. I'd like to think that I never waivered in my consistency with this person. Is it okay for a non-bpd person to radically withdraw from someone who is incapable of looking inward?
I need guidance; it's been 4 months, and I'm still so very much confused. This friendship meant so much to me. Perhaps that's why this is hurting so much.
