Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 03:27:04 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Ex-Friend May Have BPD? What role do I play?  (Read 373 times)
Alex26

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: dating
Posts: 5


« on: February 24, 2023, 10:28:27 AM »

Hi,

I am so grateful that support sites like this exist. My situation is tricky because the person in question I was relating to was a former friend. On multiple occasions, we breached the friendship zone and attempted to be something more.

We were both mutually attracted to each other, and it seemed very much reciprocal. We initially started out going out on dates for about two months; we matched on a dating app. And he suddenly went off the map without rhyme or reason (hot-to-cold). It was at odds with the intensity at which he was courting me.

I was heartbroken. I did not understand the shift and merely pegged it off as just another roadblock in the modern dating scene. He would mention that he did not want me to develop expectations with him (which should have risen a red flag), but his actions did not align with his words... at all; so I did not know what to believe.

Months went by and he reappeared from the woodworks, right at the start of the pandemic. I was curious, so I indulged his reappearance. I should have known better, but "allowing" him back in, now in hindsight, seemed like a codependent trauma response.  

I was treading very carefully this time since it took me a couple of months to get over how he (devalued) me the first time. I kinda liked the dude. We actually developed an awesome friendship this time around and he quickly became one of my closest friends. Albeit, I still had some minor resentments brewing under the surface given how he disappeared the first time... but I was actively trying to overcome them and not let my ego get in the way.

Mind you, there was a mutual attraction. One year into our newfound friendship, lines got blurred--we were both single--and we became intimate. At the pit of my stomach, I felt it was a mistake, but I wanted to hope that maybe--just maybe--he had changed and was more capable of being consistent given that we now had a year of rapport under our belts.

I have a character flaw in that I give people too many benefits of the doubt. I should have trusted my intuition the first time. I also should have had a stronger sense of self-worth.

We were flirty for a few days. In fact, I went on a trip shortly after our newfound intimacy, and he once responded that I hadn't checked in with him and didn't want me to "forget about him". I thought it was endearing, but now that I've deduced BPD, it seems like his "abandonment fear" was triggered by my physical absence. Mind you, I was very consistent in my communication with him, even while on vacation. I was sure of that.

When I returned from my trip, I brought him a gift, and I observed the life leave his eyes. I was witnessing the clear devaluation phase or a "split". All the flirting, affirmations, sweet talk, courting... done! I could not wrap my head around this sudden shift. Did I scare him away by presenting him with a gift? Did I come on too strong? Wasn't I just matching his energy? Did he not just text me to remind me not to forget about him? Am I going crazy?

Communication shifted after that; he became cold and withdrawn, and I was left wondering what went down. I began to self-blame. When I addressed it with him, he had the audacity to tell me that our night of intimacy was a result of us being under the influence and that he could not resist my "big arms." Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I was very annoyed by that comment. Based on that logic, then were we "under the influence" for my entire vacation when we were actively flirting? This felt like a really toxic form of gaslighting. He then explained that he "wasn't ready."

I did address it and let him know that this was unacceptable behavior. I cannot tolerate this type of toxic inconsistency and hot/cold; it's very disarming. He reopened the wound from when we first met, only this time, it hurt more since we had a year of friendship under our belts. But I forgave him in hopes that we could go back to being friends (co-dependent), albeit while trying to mend this reopened proverbial wound.

Fast forward two years later; we both had dated different people, and we served as each others' emotional support during that time. We were there for each other during some trying times. But then, there came a point when we were both single at the same time...

...and to quote Britney Spears: "Oops we did it again!"

Without going into too much detail, we attempted one final time to make it work. I was consistent throughout... but he went from hot-to-cold multiple times... again. When he would go "hot", he would speak about us with a lot of conviction. But then he would withdraw. He got into a habit of casting a stone, but then wanting to retrieve it as though it was never cast. His words were never in alignment with what he was doing. I could not wrap my head around this behavior. I gave him this one final chance putting stock in the fact that we had been close friends for so long.

I guess I thought that such a profound friendship could potentially lead to a mutually satisfying romantic partnership. I was wrong. He was incapable of coming through for me again. When he was at his lows, he would start coming up with every excuse under the sun as to why this would not work, to the point of making some insensitive assertions that made me question how he perceived me during our actual friendship.

There came a point when I addressed the way he made me feel, and he became defensive, deeming my confrontation of his behavior as "unfair." Mind you, I may have not been so forthcoming in my approach, but I did attempt to apologize for the way I handled it... I, too, was triggered by this exhaustingly inconsistent behavior... I snapped. However, he would not let up; I triggered him.

I ended up sending him a text bowing out of the relationship. His response to me was the last straw; in my head, I think I put up with enough abuse. I informed him that I had been very patient and compassionate in trying to honor his needs... but I was tired of doing everything on his terms. I should have bowed out sooner and known better. He lacked the maturity to take any form of accountability. I was willing to honor my codependent tendencies, but he could not look inward.

He reached out a week later after we'd agreed I'd take space. He wanted to know if I'd honor concert plans that we'd initially agreed upon prior to the falling out. I agreed under the terms that we have a really open conversation. At this point, I did not want anything romantic with him; I was very discouraged.

In our conversation, I was able to open up and I thought it was constructive. He assured me that he really wanted me to go with him to this concert; I dishonored my need for space... and so did he. I should have stuck to my gut. He seemed very remorseful.

That was a complete facade. Once again, he went from HOT (wanting to reconcile) to COLD (dismissing me in person because he could not deal with his emotions).

Eventually, I had to go no-contact. I was sick of the back and forth. In my eyes, blocking him seemed to be the only way to move forward. I'd exhausted every emotional resource; I afforded him more patience and chances than the average person should. I'm not proud of the way  I left, but I felt like conversations were becoming pointless.

Where am I now? A part of me has always struggled to hold others accountable; I tend to accept most of the blame (it's a trauma response that I'm actively working on). Although I'm not blameless in this scenario, I do understand that I tolerated a lot from this person, and enough was enough.

I know to ghost and to block someone are signs of BPD splitting. I'd like to think that I never waivered in my consistency with this person. Is it okay for a non-bpd person to radically withdraw from someone who is incapable of looking inward?

I need guidance; it's been 4 months, and I'm still so very much confused. This friendship meant so much to me. Perhaps that's why this is hurting so much.

« Last Edit: February 24, 2023, 11:40:00 AM by Alex26 » Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Alex26

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: dating
Posts: 5


« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2023, 10:29:53 AM »

Are these signs of BPD, or was I just dealing with an emotionally immature and unaware person?

**There are more patterns of behavior I witnessed during our friendship, but it's just too much to disclose here.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2023, 11:35:04 AM by Alex26 » Logged
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2023, 11:19:23 AM »

Hi Alex26 and welcome to the group -- glad you took the plunge and are reaching out for some support and feedback.

I get what you're saying about

Are these signs of BPD, or this just an emotionally immature and unaware person?

The "nice" thing about this group is that it can be less focused on specific labels and more about the impacts on us of the traits and behaviors. So, there's one sense in which the answer to your question is: whichever one it was, it clearly was more than "just" a boilerplate "friends, then together, then breakup". It seems like it left you with some profound doubts and self-questioning, again, not "just" about "why did we break up" but at the level of "what was even real". So no matter whether he had/has a concrete diagnosis or not, you're still left reeling, beyond a "normal" breakup/parting of ways.

Although I'm not blameless in this scenario, I do understand that I tolerated a lot from this person, and enough was enough.

I know to ghost and to block someone are signs of BPD splitting. I'd like to think that I never waivered in my consistency with this person. Is it okay for a non-bpd person to radically withdraw from someone who is incapable of looking inward?

I need guidance; it's been 4 months, and I'm still so very much confused. This friendship meant so much to me. Perhaps that's why this is hurting so much.

You really summed it up well there. You see that part of your contribution was accepting and tolerating a lot of unhealthy treatment, yet maybe part of you still feels like -- "But it's cruel of me to protect myself -- I'm the mean one if I cease contact". And then there were good memories of the friendship, too -- you genuinely believed it was a real friendship, and are working from that understanding, which is maybe informing some of the feelings of "I'm the bad friend if I cut off contact".

Whatever he would or wouldn't be diagnosed with, whether it's a full-blown PD, sub-clinical PD traits/behaviors, or "just" immaturity, at the end of the day, I wonder if the big challenge for you is -- can you be OK with choosing to take care of yourself (however that looks), knowing that how others react to or perceive it doesn't define you?

I'm also curious if part of your question (is it BPD or not) is related to the thought of needing justification for ending contact? It might not be, and that's fine, I'm looking to understand it more, because many members here sometimes work through feelings of "If I knew for sure it was BPD, then I'd feel more OK with doing XYZ" -- which may or may not be your experience.

Hope this is some helpful food for thought as you settle in here. Feel free to browse around -- we have a lot of articles (including one on I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know?) and older posts to check out. You're very not alone here.

Write back whenever works for you, and again, welcome;

kells76
Logged
Alex26

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: dating
Posts: 5


« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2023, 01:01:04 PM »

Thank you so much for this thorough response. I love everything about your site and its mission.

I think I'm just trying to validate my experience. A part of me cannot fathom how someone who I thought cared about me would voluntarily treat me so poorly.

Maybe, deep down, if it was BPD, I could work with that and understand that the "disorder" was responsible.

I began deducing BPD after the fact based on some of the behaviors on display. There's an element of guilt because the way I withdrew was very unapologetic, and can be a heavy trigger for BPD sufferers. But I was put through an emotional wringer, and this was after what seemed like thorough communication. Although I struggle with low self-esteem, I KNOW I'm better than what I was put through.

Logged
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2023, 01:31:34 PM »

You're welcome -- it's a place that has given me so much support over the years, too.

I think I'm just trying to validate my experience. A part of me cannot fathom how someone who I thought cared about me would voluntarily treat me so poorly.

Again, whether it's BPD or not, it's sounding like you each had a very different experience of the friendship and relationship.

"Broadly normal" people might base relationships off of love, care, and respect, and can hold an idea of the other person in their mind, both good and bad at the same time, whether together or apart. For example, I'm thinking right now of a friend I had in college -- we had some great times together, shared interests/a sense of humor, then fell out of touch many years ago. I don't hate her for falling out of touch, though it's disappointing, and would be nice if she made a little more effort -- then again, I wasn't really in a place in life where I had tons of time to just spend hours on the phone, or road trip to see her, etc., so I shared part of the responsibility. And yet even now, 10+ years later, if she got in touch with me and said she was in town, I wouldn't hold it against her and would try to meet up -- and would also not throw myself 100% into rebuilding the friendship.

All that to say -- that could be considered a "broadly normal" experience of changes in a relationship. Shades of gray, pluses and minuses, and my mind can hold all of that at the same time. It was a genuine friendship, AND it ended.

When BPD is in the mix (or many other MH challenges/mental illnesses), it's a cognitive distortion to tell ourselves "his experience of the relationship was just like mine [broadly normal], so it doesn't make any sense that he'd discard me so coldly".

My best understanding is that pwBPD experience relationships very differently than people without BPD. Relationships might be seen as an external way to get deep internal needs met, and as long as those needs are getting met -- as long as that other person is giving and giving and giving, and reflecting positive things about the pwBPD, and providing a "self" that the BPD lacks, then yes, on the outside, the relationship may appear functional, healthy, long-lasting, generally normal. Yet the foundation of the relationship is based on the pwBPD's lack of a sense of selfhood, and incredibly deep, essentially unmeetable emotional needs. This can contribute to behaviors that we perceive as sudden, cold, instant, "turn on a dime", unpredictable -- because the pwBPD is making choices based on rapidly fluctuating, harmfully intense inner emotional needs.

Not sure if you've had much time to peruse the site yet -- we have a Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship board that sounds like a good fit for where you're at. If you like, I can move this thread over there.

You'll find a lot of lessons to work through (if you want); one that I thought of when I read your situation was "Lesson 2" on Understanding your situation. In there is a list of "10 Beliefs that can you get stuck", and I'm curious what you think about #2:

Excerpt
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

#9 (Belief that you need to stay to help them) is also one where I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on if it resonates with you.

Lots to think about, so I'll pause here and wait to hear back from you. Good talking with you.

-kells76
Logged
Alex26

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: dating
Posts: 5


« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2023, 01:54:31 PM »

Wow! I'm sorry it took me so long to get back. This all makes a lot of sense. I am a teacher; I love to feel purposeful.

When I care about someone, I take pride in feeling like I can walk them through elements in their lives and help them make sense of their struggles. To a degree, I exhausted a lot of energy serving that function in his life.

I felt like I was on a hamster wheel though. My former friend was famous for not taking feedback and learning from previous mistakes. He was extremely stubborn. I guess a deep part of myself felt like I could be the one to soften him and understand him in ways that others couldn't. 
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!