new mindset

[tina7868]

Hi  ! I'm fresh from the ­´bettering a relationship´ boards. I am ready to move forward and embrace a new mindset. I had been through many cycles with my ex (with BPD), and a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to approach the idea of letting go in the way I now do. That's okay, I wasn't ready then. I find it helpful to write out what I am thinking and share it in order to expose any triggers that I might not have considered. Once again, bear in mind that these sometimes ´obvious´statements are quite new to me.

My priority is taking care of me.

I had been accepting receiving sporadic, inconsistent messages from my ex. Sometimes, it seemed like they were framed in order to trigger me. The last straw when it came to that behaviour was when I asked if he was free for a call, he said he'd be busy for a week, disappeared, and didn't follow up. I then saw the bigger picture: I was accepting behaviour that was beneath what I deserved. And I had been doing this for a while, to a point where it felt like a fact that no matter what, I would be there. No matter whether he disappeared for any amount of time, said things that were confusing, etc., I would be there when he decided to reach out. Now, I feel like he can live with his choices, like I am done bridging to gap between us. I made the intentional decision to distance myself from him. While distancing myself, I decided what is best for me is to adopt a mindset of letting go.

It is what it is. My ex isn't meant to be with me, and that's okay. He was in my life for a purpose. I learned a lot about myself and how important it is to leave a situation where your value is not being recognized. Now, our paths have diverged, and again, that's okay. I believe there is better for me. I was so afraid of letting go of my attachment to him, but I realized I'm not letting go of something that was bringing any value into my life. I want the people in my life to appreciate me.

It's okay to think about him, but I need to be aware of my feelings and remind myself why I made the decision to let go (what I wrote above). I did not block him. I finally did reply to his last message, which was along the lines of ´so you're ghosting´. I want to operate from a place of peace. So, I said ´wish you well´. That's it. No acknowledging what he said, no need to justify why i am distancing myself, just replying with peace. I do wish him well. I hope he is happy in his relationship.

[cranmango]

Hi tina—Just want to say how impressed I am by the evolution of your mindset. Our situations with our exes are very different, but some of the processes of letting go overlap a lot. So reading your words gives me hope. I’m not quite at the stage you are, but I look forward to getting there. Thank you for sharing, and please know that your words have an impact.

[tina7868]

Hi tina—Just want to say how impressed I am by the evolution of your mindset. Our situations with our exes are very different, but some of the processes of letting go overlap a lot. So reading your words gives me hope. I’m not quite at the stage you are, but I look forward to getting there. Thank you for sharing, and please know that your words have an impact.

Thank you for your kind words, cranmango. The process of letting go is one that I don't find myself particularly good at. I feel like I change stages every day. I understand it's part of the process. Today, for example, I was thinking of a happy memory with my ex, and I find myself hoping that he will reach out in some sort of capacity. I thankfully have work to keep me distracted, I went for a walk and meditated earlier. As I type this I allow myself to sit with the feeling. I feel, as I've mentioned, the hope is a part of me, and I am embracing all parts of me.

[cranmango]

Hi tina—acknowledging thoughts when they come up, and also staying busy, sounds like a healthy balance.

I tend to ruminate, and happy memories of my ex hurt.
Something I’ve been practicing recently is to pair those memories with other happy memories from different phases of life (before I met my ex). It helps me to see all of the chapters I’ve lived through so far, and to know that there are more chapters yet to be written. My relationship with my ex is just one portion of a much larger story.

[BigEasyHeart]

My relationship with my ex is just one portion of a much larger story.

This is such a great way to put it and helpful for me to keep in mind. Thank you for sharing.

[tina7868]

Thank you for sharing your perspectives

It helps me to see all of the chapters I’ve lived through so far, and to know that there are more chapters yet to be written.

Those past chapters helped shape who you are. They occured for a reason and allowed you to learn and grow into a better person. They allow those future chapters to be even better. Ask for more from people. How a single person showed up in your life doesn't define who you are. You decide who you are. Don't put yourself through hell when you don't have to.

I am feeling better today. What a relief to recognize that feelings are temporary . I read about this method called the ABCDE chart that allows you to identify and diffuse beliefs. It really helped me! I recognize how taking space has brought a sense of relief that overshadows whatever sadness comes up here and there.

I also realized :

- The cycle would have continued (albeit in a shifting form) for God knows how long had I not, now, decided that I do not want to feed into it anymore. What I mean is that there is a parallel world where he would have continued coming in and out of my life, because I was allowing it, and I would have continued ´trying´ my best to prove that I was worthy of him. I feel empowered because I decided to distance myself. I do have control.

- My feelings for him have changed. When I think of people who are important in my life, who care and support me and want the best for me, I feel love. I do not feel that way about my ex. I do not love him. I think love is an active action. I wish him well, and I choose to forgive him and understand he is a human being figuring himself out on his short time on this earth just like all of us, but I do not love him anymore.

- I still believe in him (I know, I know, bear with me  ). What I mean is that I know that in his past, he had struggled with relationships with people (especially females). I believe he has the capacity of growing and maturing, in his own way. I think, eventually, he can make a relationship work, and that, deep down, that's what he had wanted; to feel safe, cared for. I can let go now of being that person for him, because like I said I prioritize my feelings and it wasn't serving me to continue engaging with him. I feel like I can root for him from afar, and sincerely I hope he is follows his own path towards a sense of completeness. All the while trusting that there is better for me out there, as in a relationship where my value is recognized and I am treated with kindness

[capecodling]

I like how you describe the shift in your thinking towards your BPD ex.  All of us who eventually decide to move on have this shift in our thinking, for me that came with finally researching and understanding my exes behavior through the lens of classic BPD behavior, suddenly many things made more sense and I could predict behaviors that had previously left me confused and doubting myself.  And a lot of mysteries may still remain even after this realization, but once you see the borderline-codependent dynamic for what it really is, then it loses some of the power that it had over you when everything was a big mystery, shrouded in so much uncertainty.

[tina7868]

I like how you describe the shift in your thinking towards your BPD ex.  All of us who eventually decide to move on have this shift in our thinking, for me that came with finally researching and understanding my exes behavior through the lens of classic BPD behavior, suddenly many things made more sense and I could predict behaviors that had previously left me confused and doubting myself.  And a lot of mysteries may still remain even after this realization, but once you see the borderline-codependent dynamic for what it really is, then it loses some of the power that it had over you when everything was a big mystery, shrouded in so much uncertainty.

Well put! I truly wish people well on their journey.

The other day, I was hanging out with a new friend. We were talking about relationships, and the topic of my ex came up. My new friend asked me about my past relationship. I said it had its ups and downs, and I learned a lot from it, but I'm glad it's over because of all the growth that came from the separation. I said I believe that whatever comes into my life is to better me, and whatever leaves my life is also in my best interest, so I don't feel the loss as much as I used to. She then asked me, if my ex wanted to get back together, what would I accept? Without missing a beat, I said that I have grown so much in the past few months, that he would also need to have grown in order for things to have any chance of working. This is very different than what I might have said before, and I am happy for myself!

I've also had some thoughts of my feelings towards my ex's girlfriend. It used to trigger me so much, the idea of him being with someone else. It can still bog me down if I am already feeling low, but I've decided to see this matter in a more general way. I do not compete with anyone but myself. I care about how much I've learned and grown. There will always be prettier, smarter, people in this world. But you know what? They are not me. They do not phase me because they do not have my thoughts and way of being
that is uniquely my own. Someone's choice to be with me or not is not personal. I get to be with myself for the long haul, and for that I am grateful.

[kells76]

I've decided to see this matter in a more general way. I do not compete with anyone but myself. I care about how much I've learned and grown. There will always be prettier, smarter, people in this world. But you know what? They are not me. They do not phase me because they do not have my thoughts and way of being
that is uniquely my own. Someone's choice to be with me or not is not personal. I get to be with myself for the long haul, and for that I am grateful.

 

[SinisterComplex]

Well put! I truly wish people well on their journey.

The other day, I was hanging out with a new friend. We were talking about relationships, and the topic of my ex came up. My new friend asked me about my past relationship. I said it had its ups and downs, and I learned a lot from it, but I'm glad it's over because of all the growth that came from the separation. I said I believe that whatever comes into my life is to better me, and whatever leaves my life is also in my best interest, so I don't feel the loss as much as I used to. She then asked me, if my ex wanted to get back together, what would I accept? Without missing a beat, I said that I have grown so much in the past few months, that he would also need to have grown in order for things to have any chance of working. This is very different than what I might have said before, and I am happy for myself!

I've also had some thoughts of my feelings towards my ex's girlfriend. It used to trigger me so much, the idea of him being with someone else. It can still bog me down if I am already feeling low, but I've decided to see this matter in a more general way. I do not compete with anyone but myself. I care about how much I've learned and grown. There will always be prettier, smarter, people in this world. But you know what? They are not me. They do not phase me because they do not have my thoughts and way of being
that is uniquely my own. Someone's choice to be with me or not is not personal. I get to be with myself for the long haul, and for that I am grateful.

Just chiming in...I enjoy seeing your growth here. Keep moving forward and bigger and better opportunities will come your way. Just focus on keeping this mind set you have now.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[tina7868]

Thank you for your encouraging words! I am grateful for the goodness in the world.

I am feeling sad today. For the first two weeks after my decision to no longer engage with him, I was solid. This is my life. I am ready to move on. I learned my lessons and people come and go. It’s okay. I’d rather be by myself than with someone who isn’t respectful towards me. It’s time to accept what happened, accept that he is with someone else, and let go.

Now, about a month later, I still feel like I’d rather deal with this sadness by myself, but I miss him. I wonder if he is wondering about why I stopped answering him, why I changed my way of responding. I found a letter he had written to me about how he was grateful to have me in his life, and how I never give up on him. THAT made me even sadder. Of course, people love each other and then change their mind. It’s okay.

I find myself wondering if I’ll hear from him (this was the default mode I had during the on/off cycles). I feel like the answer is probably yes, but not in the way I would want (it will probably be a few random words).

I can snap myself out of these feelings when I am working, or with friends, or doing hobbies (I’ve taken up dancing!). It’s like as time went on I lost some assurance.

[tina7868]

I've reflected on how I felt. I'd like to share how I feel here, because short of a therapy session (which I'm working on getting access to more regularly!), I feel like this space allows for insights from people who not only understand how I feel, but can also see the possible distortions in my way of thinking that may be holding me back.

- The first thing that triggered me was a loss of sense of identity. I was remembering the utter conviction I had that I would always be there for my ex. I really felt for him, and all the difficult experiences he had been through. In a letter he had written to me (which I had read yesterday), he mirrored that sentiment back to me, thanking me for my perseverance and my ability to care for him. It was a role I took on that gave me fulfillment. I feel not only the loss of it, but also the envy of someone else having stepped into that role. That she may be better at it than me also bothers me. That role is something I wanted, and something I valued, so it's no wonder my ego feels triggered.

- The second thing is my realization that I do want a relationship. I want someone to talk to about my day, to share an intimate connection with, to grow with and to have that companionship. I miss that, and I feel that way especially when I see my friends with their partner, in healthy relationships. Since my ex was my only serious relationship, my mind goes back to him when I feel this craving. Even if my ideal wasn't the reality most of the time, I fantasize.

- I had a semi-lucid dream where I summarized my thinking in why I distanced myself from my ex. Dreams are healing! I was saying something along the lines that I came to a point where I was ready to move on and let go of the past, that I wasn't scared anymore because I believed if someone was meant to be in my life, then we would find our way back to each other, and otherwise I was opening up space for someone new. What's interesting is that, the dream repeated twice. I was first talking to my ex. Then, I was talking to someone new. It's like both paths require the same willingness on my part to focus on myself and move on.

[tina7868]

Hi! This is an update, although I’ve been reading posts, relating to members and taking to heart advice given to others that also applies to me. I feel like I integrated my own story into my narrative, and recognize that my ex was so special to me because I made him special. I have my own history of attachment and difficulty letting go.

When I last posted, I had created distance between me and my ex, but I hadn’t blocked him. He reached out a few times, and followed up on planning a video call. Despite all the insights detailed above, I said yes.

I’d say he seemed nervous during this call. He called me innocent, and highlighted how I have changed. He ended the call rather abruptly. I realize, logically, there is little benefit in reading into his behaviour.

I feel like the work I have put in, mainly towards emotional regulation, allowed me to adopt an « it is what it is » mindset. I decided to put myself in this position, and I feel okay mostly, maybe confused.

[cranmango]

Hi, tina! Thanks for the update. It sounds like your hard work is really paying off.

I see that there is a small part of you that is already wondering what your ex's behavior "means." But you also know that interpreting his behavior is ultimately not a good use of your time or energy. It's very likely that your ex is acutely aware of the distance you've created. He very well may have been quite nervous because of it, and perhaps that's why he ended the call abruptly. Or it could have had nothing at all to do with you.

Here's another perspective to consider: If your ex is going to keep a (small) place in your life as someone that you chat with from time to time, then he really ought to be on his best behavior. He should be respectful of your time and your boundaries. And frankly, he should be nervous.

[Couscous]

That role is something I wanted, and something I valued, so it's no wonder my ego feels triggered.

OK, so this right here is huge and something really worth exploring. It’s likely that your identity is tied to this role of caretaker/rescuer like it is for so many of us, but it is not who you really are.

[tina7868]

If your ex is going to keep a (small) place in your life as someone that you chat with from time to time, then he really ought to be on his best behavior. He should be respectful of your time and your boundaries. And frankly, he should be nervous.

I'm going to save this quote.

It’s likely that your identity is tied to this role of caretaker/rescuer like it is for so many of us, but it is not who you really are.

There is definitely a lot to unpack when it comes to this, that is linked to my childhood and the nature of the relationships I grew up around. I want to nurture my individuality, and not rely on someone else to recognize my value as a person. Especially when that someone else isn't reliable.

[cap1987]

Wow thank you so much for sharing. It has help me

[tina7868]

Wow thank you so much for sharing. It has help me

That makes me happy to hear


This past week my feeling state was up and down. He appears to have turned off the device on which he receives my messages which wasn't unexpected (this whole re-routing of my messages seems like a lot of effort). I don't take his way of controlling when and how he receives my messages personally anymore. More power to him if it makes him feel at ease. My best guess would be that his girlfriend is hanging out at his place, and he doesn't want her to see our exchanges. Which in and of itself is confusing (if we're just friends, what is there to hide?). My thoughts can be quite circular, and surely have an addictive quality to them.

Right now, I feel less urgency in getting to a resolution with this chapter. I believe the patience I am cultivating right now is making me a better person. And I think patience isn't about never feeling frustrated or hopeless.The real power is in having these thoughts and feelings, realizing the aspects of the situation that are out of my control, and letting go. I have patience to allow for a good, solid relationship to come into my life. That being said, I'm happy and content on my own, and feel at peace with a future where I sip tea by myself while looking out at a body of water somewhere (yes I have thought about this in detail down to what kind of couches I'd want ).

The distance is a blessing in disguise, because it has allowed me to set my head straight and reorient my life back towards myself, which I easily forget to do when he is around. I spent a lot of time on my own, exploring hobbies I haven't done in a while (namely, reading for fun!), and letting myself feel whatever I want to feel with no judgement.

[Couscous]

He appears to have turned off the device on which he receives my messages which wasn't unexpected (this whole re-routing of my messages seems like a lot of effort). I don't take his way of controlling when and how he receives my messages personally anymore. More power to him if it makes him feel at ease. My best guess would be that his girlfriend is hanging out at his place, and he doesn't want her to see our exchanges. Which in and of itself is confusing (if we're just friends, what is there to hide?).

I think it's going to be a lot harder to detach if you try to remain friends. 

[tina7868]

I think it's going to be a lot harder to detach if you try to remain friends. 

I agree. Also, and this is a realization for me now as I type this, I wouldn't say that we're friends. I wouldn't second guess messaging a friend. I wouldn't protect myself as much with a friend.

I have struggled with the idea of completely shutting the door. In the past, I've stated that I needed space, only to regret it days later. It's like the control that comes with the possibility of contacting him if I want to calms me, the downside being I second guess myself a lot and overanalyze any interactions we have. If he was actively hurting me or spitefully shoving his relationship in my face, that would be different. As it stands, allowing myself a lot of distance between interactions and going inwards to look at why I feel the way I feel, has been a balance that puts my interests first (I'm not really considering his).

[Couscous]

It sound like basically what you’re dealing with is separation anxiety. What can help a lot for this is to have a social support system that you can lean on when you feel the urge to reach out to him. If you don’t have a support system like this already you do could start attending 12-step meetings, like Al-Anon and/or ACOA. Getting into therapy can be helpful too, if you’re not already.

[cranmango]

I agree. Also, and this is a realization for me now as I type this, I wouldn't say that we're friends. I wouldn't second guess messaging a friend. I wouldn't protect myself as much with a friend.

I think this is a great insight. Being friendly with occasional contact is not the same as being friends.

It sounds like the distance is working for you right now. Helping you to find stability and gain perspective. You can keep adjusting the distance at any time, depending on your needs.

[tina7868]

It sound like basically what you’re dealing with is separation anxiety.

I took the time to think about in what context I reach out.

During the past 4 times:
- in 2 cases I felt stressed out about something else, and was seeking comfort in familiarity of hearing from him
- in 1 case I felt like I was missing him
- in 1 case something actually spontaneously made me think of him and I reached out to tell him about it

First, I notice that his responses didn't have anything to do with my intention when I reached out. The time it took for him to reply varied, but he was always polite and friendly. So, this tells me that, although my internal state fluctuates, I am not externalizing it in the way I communicate.

Second, I have to admit that I am putting myself in a situation of stress. Despite trying to convince myself otherwise, I do ´wait´ for his response, and it affects my mood.

What can help a lot for this is to have a social support system that you can lean on when you feel the urge to reach out to him.

I do have a good support system, which I am thankful for. What I need, I believe, is a clearer answer to why I do not want to reach out to him.

I think this is a great insight. Being friendly with occasional contact is not the same as being friends.

I recently had a person, an old friend who I grew apart from, reach out to me. We chatted for a bit, and then, when it came to making concrete plans, he disappeared again. A few weeks later, he reached out and apologized, but he didn't really say anything that was worth replying to in my opinion. I don't hold any negative feelings towards him, but his inconsistency turned me ´off´, and I feel like talking to this person is a waste of my time. So I didn't reply, and I don't feel guilty about it.

I write this because I feel like my way of viewing that situation can be the answer to the why that I mentioned above. I have grown to have a lot of love for myself, and to put myself first. I have grown to see my time and attention as a high commodity. The amount of myself that I invest into ´waiting´ for my ex's inconsistent responses is not worth it.

[cranmango]

I write this because I feel like my way of viewing that situation can be the answer to the why that I mentioned above. I have grown to have a lot of love for myself, and to put myself first. I have grown to see my time and attention as a high commodity. The amount of myself that I invest into ´waiting´ for my ex's inconsistent responses is not worth it.

This is really powerful. Love, value, and respect yourself—and you will attract others that love, value, and respect you, too.

[tina7868]

This is really powerful. Love, value, and respect yourself—and you will attract others that love, value, and respect you, too.

Thanks cranmango

I seem to struggle mostly with not reaching out when something makes me think of him ´spontaneously´. I put that in quotation marks because I suspect that sometimes my brain plays tricks on me. Now that I am choosing to not reach out even when I feel this way, I feel like I've entered a new phase of allowing myself to sit with my feelings. I feel genuine sadness. I remember how I felt when we were together. I thought I was so lucky that I had found ´my person´. I was wrong, and that's okay. It feels like an acceptance of how things are, instead of trying to fool myself into seeing the relationship as something it is not.

I remember, sometime last year, wanting distance from my ex while the toxic cycles were actively going on. I wasn't getting what I wanted from the relationship, I knew it deep down. I'd take the distance, announce that I wanted space, but then feel so many difficult feelings that I'd convince myself I was all good and ready to talk to him again. I'd look to him to calm my fears, anxieties, insecurities. I would see him as my solution. As cheesy as it sounds, the only real, stable, consistent solution is me. And I wouldn't have found that out without all the events that lead to enough time and distance for me to gain a new perspective. He was removed from my life, and I was able to find my own way. So, today, I can say with conviction that everything that happened brought good into my life, although I couldn't see it at the time.

[Couscous]

You may want to consider looking into S.L.A.A. I have been taking a closer look at this program after attending several other 12-step meetings, and I really think that this may be the 12 Step program for anybody with a pwBPD in their lives.

I listened to some of the videos last night from this YouTube channel and the stories shared really resonated with me. Here’s one about the joy of no contact: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lsGqHa7Mphw

https://slaafws.org/newcomers/

[cranmango]

I'd look to him to calm my fears, anxieties, insecurities. I would see him as my solution. As cheesy as it sounds, the only real, stable, consistent solution is me. And I wouldn't have found that out without all the events that lead to enough time and distance for me to gain a new perspective. He was removed from my life, and I was able to find my own way. So, today, I can say with conviction that everything that happened brought good into my life, although I couldn't see it at the time.

What a powerful insight, tina. This is the kind of foundation that will help you form healthy, stable relationships moving forward.

[tina7868]

What a powerful insight, tina. This is the kind of foundation that will help you form healthy, stable relationships moving forward.

I have been feeling more stable lately. Less ruminating (I tell myself ´there is no space for thinking that in my mind´), more focus on things that I can control, more faith in letting life unfold as it is meant to. I have been spending more time by myself.

I was sending easter greetings to friends this weekend. I thought through sending a message to my ex. After weighing out the pros and the cons, I concluded that it would make me happy, and that was a good reason to reach out. However, it appears that my messages didn't send. It seems it isn't because of something on my end. 

My initial reaction was ­­´that's weird, oh well I can't do anything´. I can't know what is going on, I am sure it's not personal, and I believe that however things unfold are how they're meant to. I feel like this reaction is a cumulation of all the work I've put into myself.

I guess I'm writing this right now because a part of me is almost doubtful that I am being this calm? I know it sounds silly, but it's like I am anticipating anxiousness, which makes me more anxious  . It's frustrating, I wish I could just accept that I feel fine now, and if I stop feeling fine that's okay.

[BigEasyHeart]

I wish I could just accept that I feel fine now, and if I stop feeling fine that's okay.

This is a great goal and it sounds like you are well on your way there! But for now, you can try to accept that you are not there yet and congratulate yourself on the amazing progress you have made (in other words, try not to "should" all over yourself).

Great work Tina! Thank you for sharing your journey. It is helpful to me and I'm sure to others as well! 

[cranmango]

Agree with BEH. You’re doing great, Tina. It sounds like there’s a part of you that doesn’t trust that emotional stability just yet. Which makes sense! You are establishing new patterns in your brain and heart, which takes time. And those new patterns should indeed feel different than what you are used to. Sounds like growth to me.