Hi again Sardine, sorry it took me a minute to reply.
Thank you for your reply and!It’s all been very hard to digest and I find myself still getting caught in denial thag any of this is happening.
My kiddos are 6 and 6 months. My oldest doesn’t seem to realize much going on except we are arguing more than usual. I have noticed when things are tense between my wife and I, my wife latches on to our 6 year old and I find that she pushes away more from me. I’ve just noticed this cycle.
Luckily, I have an amazing therapist who I have seen for the past year. She helped me put the pieces together of this mess and I feel like I can count on her support to help guide me through this time.
I guess my main thing I’m wondering is is all this just as hopeless as others on the boards make it out to be? It feels as if I’m signing up for a life of misery unless I made the decision to leave.
It's good that you recognize you might have some denial that this is happening. I wonder if that might be part of grieving the relationship you thought you had, wishing it could go back?
Yes, pwBPD sometimes have "inverted" relationships with their children. For example, in a normal parent-child relationship, the parent comforts the child and helps the child with the child's emotions. When BPD is involved, the parent might turn to the child, and tacitly require the child to take care of the parent's emotions/comfort the parent, instead.
Am I tracking with you that when you say "when things are tense between my wife and I, my wife latches on to our 6 year old and I find that
she pushes away more from me", the "she" pushing away from you is your wife? (not your child?)
Really great that you have a therapist you trust who is walking alongside you right now. That makes a huge difference, and my sense is that those people coping with a pwBPD (person with BPD) in their family, who have at least an individual T, tend to cope a little better -- therapy can be a place to build tools and skills for more effective communication, and can also be a place to get re-grounded in reality, vs swept away by the perceptions of the pwBPD.
As you think about what living with a spouse with BPD long-term might look like, consider adding in counseling/therapy for your kids, at some point. There is a lot you can do as the "non" parent for them, yet they will also need a more neutral place to process what's going on. If issues come up at early ages, play therapy is an option. Your T will likely have a better read on how your kids are doing and when is a good time to add T for them.
Is your 6YO in school yet? You can think about reaching out to the school counseling team ahead of time and just giving a heads up/building that relationship between you and them.
To address your final question -- I guess the answer is "it depends".
One thing to remember is that loved ones with BPD are more than just pwBPD -- they have individual motivations, values, moral compasses, etc. Some pwBPD seem to lie, cheat, be unfaithful, be impulsive, and have little to no sense of right and wrong. Other pwBPD seem to have strong moral compasses, value faithfulness, be committed to living a spiritual/religious life, be self-sacrificial in some areas, etc. So your spouse's underlying individualness will impact her BPD behaviors and tendencies. Some pwBPD are so unpredictable and dangerous that it is not possible to stay in a healthy relationship. Other pwBPD can manage themselves and try to live by their values, making it more possible to have a safe relationship.
Comorbidities can impact the do-ability of a BPD relationship, too. If a spouse also has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) traits/behaviors, ASPD, depression, bipolar/mania, psychosis... any of those, especially untreated can make a BPD relationship much more difficult. If a spouse with BPD has depression, too, for example, but actively seeks treatment for the depression, that could make things more hopeful.
There are a lot of things under the control of the "non" spouse that can make the relationship "less bad" -- when you have a chance, check out our
Tools and Skills Workshops. We have a lot of power to make different communication choices, that can deescalate conflict instead of "throwing fuel on the fire". Take a look at some of the threads -- any of them resonate with you, or seem do-able, or that you'd want to try?
Ultimately, though, a relationship with a pwBPD will be like a "special needs" relationship, except instead of your spouse using a wheelchair, for example, they have an emotional disability. You may not ever have the fully mutual, deeply understanding, unconditionally supportive relationship you wanted. Yet you can decide if you can accept your spouse's emotional limitations and live with the knowledge that "this is kind of how it will be", that there will be good days and bad days, and unless your spouse seeks out and commits to long term treatment, things might stay mostly the same. It can get more manageable for you, especially if you are willing to make some changes on your end, but probably thinking of it as a "special needs marriage" might be the most helpful picture. Plenty of people stay in physical special needs relationships (one spouse is paralyzed, for example), and can find joy despite limitations.
So, overall, "it depends", and it is OK for you to decide what you are up for, what you value, and what you need. With the support of your T and this group, you can build some new skills that may have a positive impact on the stay-ability of your relationship.
Keep us posted on how you and your family are doing;
kells76
