Mother now experiencing even deeper sadness because of terribly infected eye

[zanyapple]

My uBPD mom currently experiencing deeper sadness. She's always been unhappy and quite depressed, but recent events plunged her into a more profound state of depression with inconsolable crying for days on end.

A few weeks ago, her left eye started swelling. Dad took her to the ER due to pain and recurring fever; she was sent home with eye drops. The next day, they had to visit the ER again because her eye pain has gotten worse. The swelling was so bad that her inner eyelid was all raw and exposed, her vision started to blur... it just looked really bad. She called me and was inconsolable. My dad was unable to send me pictures of the doctor's findings, but I suspect it's Cat Scratch Disease.

She was admitted for almost a week and while at the hospital, she texted me pictures of her badly infected eye. Frankly speaking, I just snapped. I snapped because almost every day, there is always something wrong. First - playing a tug of war with her on whether she's flying to the US or not after I'd already purchased flights, Second - her unpleasant visit here in the US... now this.

I get it, it's not her fault for her eye to swell, but her negative outlook (and negative responses to negative events in her life) just attracts negative events even more like a magnet.

Her eye swelling has reduced, but her vision in her left eye will permanently be diminished and her eye just looks malformed. It's so blurred now she pretty much can't see out of this eye. Many basic day to day things she may have to learn to do differently.

I feel sorry for her. Because I grew up in a religious household, it worries me sometimes that my somewhat hardened attitude towards her will result in bad karma. I worry that life/God will punish me, so sometimes I show her that I care, but I mostly don't. How do I get over this feeling?

I hope that for my mother, this will serve as a wake up call for her to treat people like she wants to be treated. I hope she sees that my dad, the very person she hates the most, has taken her to the hospital, slept there, gets her meds, paid for all the exorbitant hospital bills because they don't have insurance, is taking care of her. (I refused to pay this time because I'm really tight on cash.)

Her high blood pressure and diabetes didn't teach her that, but because this disease manifested in physical ways that she is quite embarrassed for people to even see her, I hope this will be a learning experience that will instill some humility in her. That may be a bit of a stretch and not mentally/emotionally possible for her, but I still am hopeful.

[Methuen]

I’m sorry for the angst this event is causing you.

I’m just gently reminding you that although she called you and “was inconsolable ”, she is an adult and it’s not your job to console her or be her emotional caretaker.  What I suspect is frustrating you in part, is that she tried to download that onto you. Uge

As for the eye, while it’s unfortunate, you can’t fix that either.  She will just have to follow doctors orders and wait to see how it washes out.  My mom had an endophthalmitis infection after a macular degeneration eye shot, and eventually got tired of the treatment and refused home care.  She lost most of her remaining sight as a result. She’s happy with that as long as she doesn’t get home care.  

My point is it’s hard to predict what they want.  Your mom will come to grips with it in her own way faster if you are able to resist getting drawn in to her drama IMHO. But from your point of view, it’s frustrating that she even tries.  The theatrics and drama are exhausting.  I know children undergoing extensive cancer treatment that show more grace, courage and composure than our BPD adult mothers.

It’s ok to feel bad for her.  It’s healthy to feel bad for someone going through a hard time.  But that doesn’t mean we should fix their feelings.

I also get it that you have hardened feelings towards her.  You’ve got a right to those, and it’s completely understandable.  It could also be a sign of healthy emotional detachment.  Your thoughts?  I’ll bet you could show compassion to a friend who found them self in your position. Do you think you can show yourself this same compassion?  As for God, I believe God has compassion and sees the truth.  

As for hoping your mom connects the dots and sees this as a wake up call…that’s just not gonna happen so I wouldn’t expend any energy hoping for it.  

Take care of you zanyapple, especially after her phone calls.  That just sucks.  If she does that again I would just make up an excuse to get off the phone, and tell her you can talk to her again when she’s feeling better.

[zanyapple]

I’m sorry for the angst this event is causing you.

I’m just gently reminding you that although she called you and “was inconsolable ”, she is an adult and it’s not your job to console her or be her emotional caretaker.  What I suspect is frustrating you in part, is that she tried to download that onto you. Uge

As for the eye, while it’s unfortunate, you can’t fix that either.  She will just have to follow doctors orders and wait to see how it washes out.  My mom had an endophthalmitis infection after a macular degeneration eye shot, and eventually got tired of the treatment and refused home care.  She lost most of her remaining sight as a result. She’s happy with that as long as she doesn’t get home care.  

My point is it’s hard to predict what they want.  Your mom will come to grips with it in her own way faster if you are able to resist getting drawn in to her drama IMHO. But from your point of view, it’s frustrating that she even tries.  The theatrics and drama are exhausting.  I know children undergoing extensive cancer treatment that show more grace, courage and composure than our BPD adult mothers.

It’s ok to feel bad for her.  It’s healthy to feel bad for someone going through a hard time.  But that doesn’t mean we should fix their feelings.

I also get it that you have hardened feelings towards her.  You’ve got a right to those, and it’s completely understandable.  It could also be a sign of healthy emotional detachment.  Your thoughts?  I’ll bet you could show compassion to a friend who found them self in your position. Do you think you can show yourself this same compassion?  As for God, I believe God has compassion and sees the truth.  

As for hoping your mom connects the dots and sees this as a wake up call…that’s just not gonna happen so I wouldn’t expend any energy hoping for it.  

Take care of you zanyapple, especially after her phone calls.  That just sucks.  If she does that again I would just make up an excuse to get off the phone, and tell her you can talk to her again when she’s feeling better.

Thank you so much, Methuen. I really needed to hear this. Often times, I know I should already know certain things by now, but they're hard to remember sometimes. I feel like sometimes I have to make a conscious decision to tell myself the things I should be remembering. Thank yo so much for listening. I appreciate your message.