I did ask them if the reason we have not met is because they are nervous. They replied it is their anxiety holding them back from meeting. Keeping in mind the cycle I previously mentioned, she is very anxious that you will not meet her standards and you will abandon her or move to the 'devalue' phase at a minimum. For pwBPD, their mind is their own worst enemy. You need to find genuine words of reassurance that you will not do this covertly [do not be overt].
It was nice having an answer, we still talk almost daily even if it is just a few texts asking how each other's day is but is there a way to help with their anxiety over meeting each other? I really have fallen for this person and they have said multiple times they are having extreme love feelings for me.
Any advice on what to say to encourage our met up? I have given them some alternate ideas on how to meet but it seems they are still in a not so well headspace and they have told me it will take between 2 weeks to a month to get in the right space to feel "normal" again.Since she has come up with the '2 weeks to a month' to get in the 'right space', I would suggest talking about it, and use the 'seed planting tool' from the book recommendation I am giving you now “Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad.
You could start [planting a seed] by saying something this week, "I like that you are willing to give it another two weeks; I like that idea. However, I feel that if it lasts longer than a month, that you have indicated, I may have to reevaluate our relationship." [you are planting the seed of reevaluating] -- from what you have expressed this would be an 'honest' statement. You are putting her mind in a mode to be able to process the words and accompanying emotions.
The following week, put 'water' on that 'seed' with the following statement or something similar "I am looking forward to your answer next week from last week's conversation on meeting up face to face". Then ask them for their ideas on how that might look to them [a walk in the park, followed/proceeded by a lunch, - if there is more to it, proceed with caution, as pwBPD will go 0-100 in all of their emotions way too fast - both of my romantic experiences with pwBPD on our first date, I was sexually seduced on the first date - no vaginal penetration, but I did climax from oral or manual stimulation]
When two weeks have passed, and still no firm commitment, re-emphasize your desire for some movement on meeting face to face by saying something along the lines of "Well, it has been two weeks, and we still don't have firm plans, and I feel frustrated about this. I know you said it will take you up to a month to make a decision. Can you let me know what you are thinking about this?" Listen, and respond accordingly.
When three weeks have passed, and still no firm commitment, re-emphasize you desire for some movement on meeting face to face
or you will re-evaluate by saying something along the lines of "Well, it has been three weeks, and we still don't have firm plans, and I am becoming increasingly frustrated about this. I know you said it will take you up to a month to make a decision, and that will be here sometime next week, I feel that if I don't have a better commitment, I may have to re-evaluate our relationship. Can you let me know what you are thinking about this?" Listen, and respond accordingly.
When the fourth week comes around, you should have an answer either positive or negative. If negative, follow through with the conversation about downgrading your relationship to 'just friends' - this may likely induce panic in her, and she may do something impulsive to keep you, or just the opposite, she may explode emotionally and leave - either way, you will have an answer.
How do I stay patient?Extreme patience is required for being with the person with borderline. If you don't have this, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship now.
I have been in relationships with others who have mental and extreme mental illness. I am going to give it another month and if nothing comes of it. I will suggest being friends. I just miss physical companionship like going on a proper date/outing and hanging out with someone. I think that is an awesome idea. Just circle back to the 'seed planting' sequence I mentioned above, to 'nudge' the relationship along to find out her true intentions, and act accordingly.
I personally would avoid starting a relationship with a mentally unstable person now that i have been in two such relationships without realizing it.
Please do your homework on what you are getting yourself into, if you proceed, read what others have on this site, and go into this relationship with your eyes wide open.
Take care with self-care.
P.S. If you finish the 'stop caretaking book' and if are going to hook up, it is also a good idea to read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger [3rd Edition] as well.
P.P.S. This will be my last post for a while, as I am trying to repair damage to my own relationship by temporarily complying with an ultimatum I received from my borderline wife and our couple's T.
