A pwBPD and their FP

[uncleflo]

In my research on BPD, I’ve read a lot about how they often have an FP (or Favorite Person) that they fixate on. At this moment in time, I am clearly NOT my wife’s FP (devalued) and her connection with her male best friend from her childhood appears to be at the top of her list (idealized). It’s like he’s a warlock (her words) and he has a hold on her. The funny thing is that this man was best friends with her sister (who also has BPD), had sex with her, had a falling out, and now he’s moved on to my wife. When I write that, it makes me laugh. Sounds ridiculous.

Every night before she goes to bed, I believe they talk on the phone and it irks me to no end. If I say it makes me uncomfortable, I’m not being “supportive”. If I say it makes me uncomfortable that they say “I love you,” to each other, she’ll say, “I tell all of my friends I love them.” (She doesn’t say this to me lately…). If I say nothing, I feel like a dope. It seems like she wants me to be a husband on one end (take her to get an MRI and hold her hand, go out to lunch together, be there when her friend “betrays” her, etc.) but have the emotional passion and connection with another. She’s say she feels numb to me because, “I abandoned her so many times back there (gaslighting 101!).” I feel like I’m split down the middle, as I’d obviously prefer to be both husband and lover, you know?

I feel like, in some way, she wants me to react to all of it to add to THE DRAMA. Any perspectives on this part of her relationship cycle would be greatly appreciated. 

Uncle

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi uncleflo, 

What a tricky situation. I don't know that I have any particular advice but rather an observation. This kind of behaviour isn't unusual for a pwBPD in a sense, because it seems that the FP is on the 'white' side of splitting a person black and white. From what you've described, it sounds as if you are on the black list, as in no longer seen in favor, and the FP seems to be seen in favor at the moment. Literally it is at the moment, because at any point in time if the FP does something to get on the pwBPD's black list, then the roles could be reversed.

Here is alink that describes splitting in greater detail: Behaviors: Splitting: Painted Black

 
Wools

[uncleflo]

Hi uncleflo, 

What a tricky situation. I don't know that I have any particular advice but rather an observation. This kind of behaviour isn't unusual for a pwBPD in a sense, because it seems that the FP is on the 'white' side of splitting a person black and white. From what you've described, it sounds as if you are on the black list, as in no longer seen in favor, and the FP seems to be seen in favor at the moment. Literally it is at the moment, because at any point in time if the FP does something to get on the pwBPD's black list, then the roles could be reversed.

Here is alink that describes splitting in greater detail: Behaviors: Splitting: Painted Black

 
Wools

Hello Wools! Thank you so much for your welcome observation. Looking back over the last 20+ years (probably more than that actually), I'm realizing how many times I've fallen out of favor during this time span. I've also begun to realize that she has played the role of "the tantalizer," many times when the wheels fall off for her, promising little treats if I do XYZ (which never come). When she got charged with a sex crime, I was her knight in shining armor and she promised me the world. Now? I'm in the dumpster outside of the house I worked so hard to keep during that time. The cycle of love bombing and discarding. 

I suppose where I'm at now is wondering how I can stop, once and for all, giving into the games she plays, and your link is helpful in this regard. I'd love to get to a point where all of the darts she throws simply bounce off me and hit the floor. I'm rubber, you're glue, essentially. I'm growing tired of being the glue, as I'm sure many of us are. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again uncleflo,

I think this is really key:

I'd love to get to a point where all of the darts she throws simply bounce off me and hit the floor. I'm rubber, you're glue, essentially. I'm growing tired of being the glue...

One of the first steps to breaking that cycle is the recognition that you voiced. I hear you saying you don't want to wash, rinse and repeat anymore. 

In my relationship, I was so vulnerable to the recycling, the hook or the promise or the being nice and everything was better (for a moment in time). It was like I needed to get back on the merry go round again and again to feel centered and whole.

The first time I got off one merry go round was when I stopped verbally sharing part of my life. It didn't matter to him; it did to me. I suddenly realized that I felt emotionally closer when I talked with him even though he was emotionally distant when I shared anyway. Then I had to ask myself what was going on inside of me that caused me to repeat that cycle? Something was being met within me...what? Eventually I discovered that there were needs that came from my childhood of having an uBPDm that were being met. I knew how to survive as that Lil' Wools and figured I could survive as an adult by the same skills. The only thing was that those skills didn't work as well once I was an adult. With time I started to see and understand, step by step, and it got easier to get off the ride and not get hooked back in.

What do you think is one reason you get back on your merry go round?

Wools

[uncleflo]

Hi to both of you - Vete and Uncle...

What any of us do to reach a person who has a disorder - think about what that word means - is always, always, always a moving target.  

Know this - pwBPD live in what I call "a world of feelings based facts."

So - one thing you could do - once your boundaries are in place - is to try and notice how wide the swings are, how often they occur, and how long it takes her to return to a calm and stable place.

Have either of you looked into the tools here?

Thank you, as always, for your wisdom, Rev (I moved my response here to not hijack Vete's post). Interestingly enough, I used SET yesterday and it felt very good to create emotional distance. I've also been exploring JADE lately and noticing when I get stuck in those gears of the BPD machine. She sent me a message yesterday saying (and I'm paraphrasing here):

"I don't want to talk about it but I've been struggling with some mental health issues that are difficult to deal with. I can't help but wonder if my mental health has deteriorated significantly since 2019 and possibly due to Covid. I think I'm battling a severe case of depression. I'm sorry about it, but I'm hopeful that I will get past it."

I do appreciate her working at figuring out her triggers but I can't forget that she has painted me black and her boy toy white. In the past, I'd think this was a good sign from me and that she was making progress but I've seen this part of the cycle before. I also know that she's probably forgotten all about what she said yesterday (moving target, as you pointed out) and is getting validation from that same boy toy now. The false hope is the honey jar that I think many of us keep getting our hands stuck in, myself most certainly included. I get the sense she wanted me to take the bait and help her "fix it." Essentially, "All my other friends aren't available," or "I want my entire fan club to be there to shower me with attention." So I basically responded by saying:

"I appreciate you telling me and I’m sorry you’re going through what you’re going through. Sending you nothing but metta and positivity."

I have to take my own advice and guard my heart.  How'd I do?

Uncle

[uncleflo]

What do you think is one reason you get back on your merry go round?

A great question, Wools. What keeps me on the spinner? Love, loyalty, history, and my dedication to family. She's been in my life since I was 14 and I made a promise to her (and myself) to stick by her through better or worse. I do profoundly love her and we've had many good times together, especially with our kids. The good has outweighed the bad... but when the bad is bad, it's baaaaad. Speaking of our kids, I also want them to have a place to land that feels safe and secure even when they're much older. I had a friend whose parents immediately divorced went he went to college and he mentioned that in many ways it was worse on him and his sister because they felt as if their entire childhood was a lie or a mirage. I'd like to avoid that, if possible. Pipe dream? Maybe…

That said, I do realize I need to get better about not getting ON the merry-go-round anymore... and if that means her devaluing me to the point of leaving, that's on her. It's not my fault. My kids have seen enough behavior from her over the years to know what the deal is if that were the case, and if she left their father for the latest flavor of the month guy, that wouldn't reflect too well on her, I'd think. And considering I stuck by her side through her losing her job, having our house raided, getting charged with a crime, and having to temporarily register as a SO, I would pretty much lose all respect for her and never speak to her again if she left. That is one of the firmest boundaries I've established lately.

All I know is that it's due time to stop falling into the same tantalizing traps and wake up to the fact that the wife I imagined marrying will never come to pass... and make peace with that. I'm done playing the game or being tricked by the disorder.

I hope that all makes sense. Any thoughts are always appreciated.  

Uncle