Hi Geology404, welcome to the group -- you're with people who really get it about what you're going through.
So much so, in fact, that when I read your experience here:
She’s been in therapy but currently has two therapists because she feels bad “breaking up with the first one”. “The first one” has told her that I may be a narcissist, I may have BPD myself, and that effectively, I am probably the root of the relationship problems between us. I’ve pondered this long and hard. I just don’t think it’s true. Narcissist? I don’t have super high self-esteem and I’m willing to honestly admit when I make mistakes. BPD? I’m not really afraid of her leaving me and my ability to self-regulate feels pretty solid. It was frustrating to be diagnosed by someone who had never met me. The second therapist, my girlfriend tells me, “isn’t smart enough to keep up” with her.
it reminded me of something I shared with another newer member recently (from this thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=355176.0):
Hi uncleflo, just want to add my Hello and Welcome to the other voices here.
This part of your post stood out to me:
About the therapy… after an epic meltdown where she threatened suicide and I took her to the hospital, we had a conversation about her getting back into therapy to get help with her BPD. She agreed and I thought we were making progress… but it now feels like the therapist is actively supporting her delusions, and when my wife started to see her is the same time when the wheels came off (again) in our relationship. For example, I had hoped the therapist would say, "Hey, maybe you should work on your relationship with your husband, who has stayed by your side this entire time," but she instead encouraged my wife to pursue the side relationship with her male best friend. Of course, I'm only seeing one side of the story but I've gotten pretty good at isolating when my wife is lying and when she is telling the truth.
Am I tracking with you, that your W is the one telling you "Hey, my T told me to go for this relationship"? I.e., you did not hear this directly from the T?
Many, many, many members here struggle with their loved one with BPD telling them "My therapist told me" and then just the craziest stuff: "My therapist told me that you're the problem", "my therapist told me that you're abusing the kids", etc.
A pwBPD can be very adept at taking a grain of truth and spinning it into something that comes across as emotionally believable... because they themselves believe it, even though it isn't true.
Unless you hear, directly from the therapist, that the therapist is encouraging your W to pursue a new relationship, I would strongly lean more towards:
your W has taken a grain of something from T (perhaps the T, encouraging rational thought, asked "What do you think would be better about this new relationship" and your W turned that into: The T thinks the new relationship would be better), and is using it to fortify her position.
I would strongly doubt that the T is recommending anything close.
Hope that helps;
kells76
That's my take on what's likely going on in your situation as well.
...
In terms of your overall question of
How do people deal with this kind of situation? When no diagnosis has been made, but there’s clearly a problem, what does a helpful partner do? I can’t keep trying to accommodate my girlfriend’s never-ending expectations (e.g., “why didn’t you look at me in a kind way when we woke up”). It’s too exhausting and it clearly isn’t working for me to take responsibly for what she perceives as invalidating facial expressions, slights, and indications that I’m “emotionally unavailable” or not present. I love her dearly, but I’m totally exhausted and I want to find a way of honestly talking with her about all of this.
one thing that might be weirdly helpful to consider is that we don't need the person in our life to get an "official" diagnosis for us to find and learn new ways of coping. It's totally fine to say to yourself "whatever is going on, whatever this would or wouldn't be labeled, whatever this would or wouldn't be diagnosed as, the fact is -- it's hurtful and damaging, and the dynamic needs to change". In a way, it "doesn't matter" if your partner isn't diagnosed, if the tools and skills designed for coping with a pwBPD make things better in your relationship. Because that's the core issue bringing you here -- not the lack of label, but the deep hurt and unhealthy dynamic.
Members have had wide ranges of experiences with learning and trying different ways of communicating and interacting with their pwBPD. Some find that the tools and skills have taken the relationship from "barely tolerable" to essentially worthwhile (though still an "emotional special needs" relationship). Others find that they have tried their hardest, put in their best effort, and the relationship is not feasible. Those members can have some peace knowing they tried the best they could to improve things. So the outcome is uniquely dependent on who you both are as people, not "just" on "did I use the tools enough".
That being said, a good place to start is in our "tips" and "tools" sections (up top in the dark green menu bar). You can check out our article on
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship with a pwBPD -- let us know what you think about it. The parts about "preserving your emotional health" and "understanding why you want to be in the relationship" seemed like they might fit your situation.
Looking forward to hearing more;
kells76