Separated but not Divorced

[AvrilNeedsHelp]

My spouse and I have been separated for over a year after six years of marriage (so year 7 now is almost complete).  We continue to cohabitate approximately 3-4 days a week as we try to work things out and this respite has allowed me to gather my thoughts, read and research, seek individual therapy,  and learn that my partner likely has untreated BPD.

We are still trying to improve the relationship - though I don't know if my spouse genuinely recognizes their BPD traits.  I know enough to understand I can't change them and am looking for constructive methods to improve communication and boundaries.  I am frequently overwhelmed with what I see as chaotic and impulsive behaviours by my partner.  I am also subjected to a lot of cyclical (weekly) rounds of verbal and emotional abuse. 

I want us to succeed, but I am not going to lose myself in the process.  We are both high functioning professionals but have behaved as children interpersonally for years.  Any suggestions are welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bella2798]

Dear Avril,

I understand that observing borderline behaviors can be so overwhelming when the borderline person (I'm sorry to use this stigmatized word) is not self aware. Same happens with my partner. I know how he's reacting, and even though he got diagnosed with BPD once and personally managed to found out about his BPD, he's often unable to recognize the pattern (or the whole pattern) in his behaviors. Dealing with verbal fights and being the target of his rage makes it even more difficult.

I'm happy you have searched and got to some conclusions for the situation. I guess it's a big step.

I'm not much of a professional in BPD, still learning and even struggling with a devaluation phase right now, so I guess other kind people here will be more of a help to you.
But there's one thing I wanted to point out. Have you two ever talked about any kind of therapy? Is your spouse open to this idea?

[AvrilNeedsHelp]

Hi Bella,

We both have individual therapists though I fear my partner may have plateaued with their pyschotherapy.  We have tried couples therapy, but my partner has had some spectacular meltdowns and left sessions and ultimately quit - we are scheduled to be teeing that up again, but I am not completely optimistic - we just seem stuck...

My partner was extremely toxic and abusive yesterday and it is continuing today so I cancelled a planned trip to visit for the weekend and will now stay home.  Unfortunately this only makes them more crazy and I will be subjected to more verbal and text message abuse until the rage passes. 

I don't feel like I am being clear enough with boundaries.  I said I would come back this evening until I got berated yesterday that this was not good enough and I should have been there yeesterday (even though we previously agreed it would be today).  Now I feel like I have changed the agreement by cancelling my planned visit because of the recent abuse I received. I mean I am actually feeling guilty about it...  But I have to take care of myself and I can't allow emotional and verbal abuse to be normalized. 

Sorry, I am just ranting now...

Thanks,
A