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Author Topic: my adult son has terminated his relationship with the family  (Read 1075 times)
MLA1

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« on: March 15, 2023, 01:58:45 PM »

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I have an adult son who has recently gotten extremely upset over something that would at most make people annoyed for a day or two. He acknowledged the mistake was not malignant at first, but then it got to be a result in his mind of twisted thinking. this resulted in his not feeling like anyone was listening to him and everyone else is valued more than he is. And then with a few more miscommunications on this subject, because everyone was off balance, while he hasn't said he is 'done' with the family, he has indicated it will be a very long time till it makes sense to connect again.  He feels the problem is the rest of the family has worse mental health issues than him and we need to be fixed before he can re-engage. His mind is stuck on these moments and that we/I betrayed him unforgivably.

It has been two months of silence already (we used to speak weekly pretty much without fail). a couple of text messages have gone unanswered.  it feels like my son has died. the grieving of the loss of him is overwhelming. I know he isn't dead of course - but really my sense is he was too exhausted trying to be in the family and will just not ever come back. so i am without any relationship with my son. new relationships will be easier for him so why come back to the folks he feels have betrayed him?...  Any suggestions on how to re-engage? Or what to do?
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Sancho
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2023, 12:32:10 AM »

Hi MLA1
So much of what you write is typical of BPD. I am thinking especially of the fact that your ds thinks everyone else has a problem - not him.

You don't say if there are siblings or other family members and how he is/is not relating to them at the moment. It is clear though that you were able to have regular communication with your son - and now there is this huge gap with no way of seeing how it can be healed.

Has your son every cut off previously and if so, did it last long? I am guessing not because this seems to be a new and distressing situation for you - but I might be wrong there.

It is so difficult to know how to work through this time. In my experience the more I have tried in the past to keep the door open, the more my dd dug in. Contact can just keep them going over in their minds what has happened/how awful everyone is/how they are not going to interact with them.

Not contacting feels like you are the one shutting the door - and you are not wanting that at all.

Many people who post here have been through this and know how it worked out for them. In my case, I thought the risk of my trying to keep engaging was to keep the problem going, so I just would say/text something like 'I understand why you are upset and need some space at the moment. I miss our catchups greatly and hope you can catch up with me soon.

You might already have said all this in a text that he hasn't answered.

The grieving in this situation is terrible - such a difficult thing to bear. It is out of your control which makes us feel powerless in our grief.

When I have been in this situation, I found that making a time when I thought lovingly of my dd, sending positive thoughts to her, wishing her well etc was a good way of helping me cope with the uncertainty and the grieving. In my case dd ended up coming back with gd - and after a while I got used to this pattern.

But in the beginning the pain was unbearable.  I hope that it is not too long before your son will reconnect - in the meantime I hope the fact that there are people out there - like us - who understand what you are going through is helpful in some way.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2023, 12:58:39 AM »

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I have an adult son who has recently gotten extremely upset...
... feeling like anyone was listening to him and everyone else is valued more than he is. And then with a few more miscommunications on this subject...
... he was too exhausted ... so i am without any relationship with my son. new relationships will be easier for him so why come back to the folks he feels have betrayed him?...  Any suggestions on how to re-engage? Or what to do?

Hi MLA1

Sorry to hear about this, it must be very difficult for you. I can understand you may feel he won't come back, but if he's exhausted maybe a short break will refresh his batteries and he'll be back soon ? If he feels betrayed, is there any way you can restore that trust ? If he feels he's not been listened too , any way to restore that ?

My niece is a covid denier (I'm not) but she likes that I listen to her theories, without challenging them (much). It seems to builds trust, as she has fallen out with her mother (also a covid denier). If your son spoke to you weekly, that's a good sign but how you re-connect depends on the dynamics. Nothing you've written suggest time won't heal this, if he's stubborn an olive branch might speed it up.
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MLA1

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« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2023, 06:45:28 PM »

Hi Sancho - thank you for your reply
I'm so glad to hear your dd did return... that is heartening and thank you for sharing that. how long was just not communicating?
A few responses to your note...
First - what does ds dd and gd stand for? sorry - i'm not hip with all the lingo.
Second - you asked about my son's relationships with other family members. His father he pretty much hates, but oddly he does try to form a relationship with him (and then he bashes his dad which cuts it off again). and his brother he cut off years ago and his sister he sometimes accepts but mostly says he doesn't trust. I was the only one with a consistent relationship, week over week, and now poof. Now he thinks I am the reason he has always been messed up and he had just noticed it sooner he could have gotten better sooner. SIGH!

Are you saying (I think you are) that when your ds was estranged you would just occasionally connect with something simple like know you are upset hope we can connect? or are you saying that you tried that and then thought that was just making your 'ds' dig in? i'm thinking you are saying to keep it infrequent and just brief with no ask. but you may be saying that just letting go for a while is best... I can't quite tell. sorry to be dense.

I have texted twice - once to tell him I am getting help to work through whatever my part of this is (and he congratulated me on trying to be a better person - sigh) and then a second time to tell him I was really digging in with my counselor to understand his perspectives (this got no answer). and it has been silence for two weeks since then.

I'm thinking of either not connecting at all or dropping a brief line like I think you are suggesting?

I really appreciate your writing back. It helps me a lot. The grief is with me every minute of every day and doesn't seem to relent.
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MLA1

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« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2023, 06:50:31 PM »

Hi Happy Chappy -

I truly appreciate your note. I pray you are correct that time will heal this; it is heartening just to read that. it just is so very shocking and the grief is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I appreciate your note about listening without judgment. I do try to listen empathetically. But prior to the explosion, he would sometimes expect me to agree to things like his siblings were not to be trusted, and I just could not listen to things like that. Not sure if you have advice for when they want you to degrade someone else to make them feel better?  sometimes it is extremely difficult to be in conversations. but I would take those difficult conversations over total estrangement any day.

I hope you are in a space that is peaceful.
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Sancho
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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2023, 07:37:48 PM »

Hi MLA1
Thanks for the answers to questions. It took me a while to understand the code – ds = dear son, gd = granddaughter, dd = dear daughter. People also us ud for undiagnosed etc
There are a couple of separate issues in your post.
Your son seems to have control over his contact with other members of the family: he has cut off his brother and has contact with his father and sister when he is in the right frame of mind (would you say this is the case?)
The relationship between you and your son has been different – you have communicated each week and this sudden withdrawal leaves a huge gap in your life.
This bond is, I think, the reason that you are the centre of his blaming. Has he blamed you for what goes wrong for him in the past or is this new since separating? Also has he been verbally abusive towards you at all? There is quite a good article on this at:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-life/201803/are-you-target-blame-borderline-personality
Are You a Target of Blame for a Borderline Personality? | Psychology Today

I am bringing this up because you mention that you are at pains to tell him you are getting help for your problems and to understand him better. This might just feed his perception of things that it is all your fault – nothing at all to do with him (which is how he thinks now it seems).
Re clarifying the contact: When dd first left taking gd – not to a good situation – I was beside myself. I tried to make contact but when she didn’t respond, I spent some time ‘letting go’ ie going over and over the mantra ‘I didn’t cause this, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it’.
This really helped me. Then I just sent a message saying something like ‘Hi, let’s know if you’d like to catch up’ and then I left it. It was a few months I think before any contact. During that time if there was anything – eg a birthday – I would just send a Happy Birthday note.
There is no formula I think that ensures contact will resume and living with this unknowing can be unbearable at times. But yes, I would drop a brief line.
I hope this has clarified what I said in my first post. If not, love to hear from you again.
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2023, 07:33:22 PM »

... prior to the explosion, he would sometimes expect me to agree to things like his siblings were not to be trusted, and I just could not listen to things like that. Not sure if you have advice for when they want you to degrade someone else to make them feel better?  
Hi MLA1,

I find that tough to deal with, but try using J.A.D.E. i.e. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Disagreeing will just fuel the argument and keep it going, which is what a borderline wants.

Validate the valid, and ignore the rest. If your son is borderline, then there should be times he's not like that , so enjoy those and hang up on him when he starts his nonsense. But count him down before hanging up and explain why. Easier said than done, but all you can do is your best. Be good to yourself and don't let him grind you down.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2023, 07:43:39 PM by HappyChappy » Logged

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MLA1

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« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2023, 08:33:06 PM »

Hi Sancho

thank you so much for your reply. It is extremely helpful.

a lightbulb went off in my head that by telling my son I am getting help I am actually reinforcing his view that this is all my fault and he is right to be upset with me and walk away. Ahhhhh. very helpful. This is excruciating to not have much to do to help repair this. I do know he is extremely hurt by something that was a mole hill to most, because it was a mountain to him. I was hoping by connecting to his pain and taking it seriously I would help open a path to healing... shoot.

what did you mean that "this bond is, I think, the reason that you are the centre of his blaming"?

he has not in the past blamed me for most anything. he actually has been quite protective of me. but now suddenly he thinks his dad is the better parent (his father was verbally abusive and distant to my son, which is a big part of why I divorced him) and has switched his allegiance to his dad. and damned me as actually being the real reason he has suffered and mad that he has just finally discovered my plot to keep him down all this time .

He came over this past week to remove the remaining things he had been storing in my apartment, and he took his birth certificate. Pretty much made it clear he had removed every reason to ever be in contact again. It took him three trips over two months to remove his things which I think is because he was finding it very hard to cut the tie from his mom. But he added a coup degras at the end. He returned a quilt I had made for him when he went to college - said he had no space for it. I think he has made it all final be removing any trace of me from his apartment. killing me. but I take it from all of these that these are all proportional to the pain and chaos in his head and I have empathy for that, even though it simultaneously deeply hurts.

So if I hear you correctly, and also happy chappy's guidance, I should not worry so much about trying to identify his pain, relate to it, and correct whatever pieces I can as that draws more blame to myself. It's not like with other people who don't have dysregulated emotions.

instead I should stay in contact occasionally but with a light touch, and to remain the person who does not go away, and hope in time he finds his way back. and not justify, argue, defend (none of which I did), or explain (which I did do). ... Is that the approach?
and then remind myself I have no control over this and did not cause this and hope I can get myelf past the constant nausea and sadness.

am i missing anything here?

thank you!
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WatsonCM

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« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2023, 10:04:03 AM »

Hi there, I am new on this site as well.  I just had a blow out with my daughter who has mental health issues.  Not that I am an expert by any means, but this is how I handled our situation.  For years the family has tried relentlessly to bend to her illness and try not to upset her with our opinions or advise.  This to me has backfired.  I think treating her in this manner is more enabling than helpful.  It has gotten to the point of instead of having healthy two way conversations to having a one sided event with trying to pacify her.  Even in doing so does no good.  You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  For example:  she was put on a particular drug for pre diabetes.  She also had an appointment with a nutritionist.  Well she was not tolerating the drug and was unsure if she could continue with it.  All I said to her was " maybe when you see the nutritionist she might be able to help you manage your condition with diet rather than the medication".  I thought I was being helpful and hopeful.  She saw it as being judgmental.  Said I was being a terrible parent and not being supportive.  Kids with these types of mental health issues truly don't think the same way.  I can clearly see my daughter doesn't process things the same.  There have been many issues similar lately but the long and the short of it is this is the straw that broke the camels back.  I wrote her a letter...as talking on the phone would result in another fight...  What I told her was that I no longer will cater to her illness.  I will speak my truths and be who I am.  I told her I loved her and want to help but I no longer would live in her illness.  If she is offended by what I say then so be it.  If she doesn't like my advise then she should not ask for it.  I told her I would never again agonize over saying the wrong thing.  There was a lot more to it but that is the gist of it.  I can't fix her or make her fix herself.  If she chooses to disengage from the family that is up to her.  It's not my job to live her illness and make sure she has her relationships.  It would devastate me if she did that, however that is up to her.  I guess my point is is that this is on your son.  You can't control him.  As painful as this is for you don't back down.  Don't be something that you are not to pacify his illness.  It is his illness not yours.  I hope I'm not coming across as cold.  I get it how painful this is but you...and all of us...need to take care of our own mental health.  I think the trick in all of this is maintaining who we are as the loved ones and not taking on the intricacy's  of their illness.  To do so is like banging your head against the wall.  Anyways I hope things get better for you and your son.  Just a side note...I sent the letter and she responded with quite an apology.  It's a little progress..maybe.  She's not cured.Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  But I'll take that.  At least she knows how I feel and where my boundaries are. The healthier we are as parents  in regards to their illness, the better able we will be to help them.  If we become mentally unhealthy and enable their behaviour they will never see the problem to be able to help themselves.
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MLA1

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« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2023, 05:41:47 PM »

HI WatsonCM

Wow - that is a powerful story. thank you so much for sharing that with me. that makes me feel a little stronger. it is EXHAUSTING as you know. Right now i am not living in his illness, because pretty much he is gone. Which I find very scary. Should we re-engage I do really like your concept that I make clear my boundaries.

I also appreciate your clear words that your daughter and my son just process information differently. SOO differently.

does your child know she has a mental illness? if so, does she know her diagnosis? the one particularly tricky thing for me is my son has only ever been told he has depression. He is so completely under-diagnosed. It is my impression having done lots of reading that he likely has BPD, or some kind of psychotic disorder, or maybe both. So he thinks he has depression and has no yardstick that his behavior is so far out of order. But either way, his berating me that I have always delegitimized his feelings has got to stop.

I really appreciate your reaching out to me. And I really hope for you that the progression with your daughter gets further into a positive space. She is lucky to have you.

Thank you
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WatsonCM

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« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2023, 10:53:38 AM »

I'm so glad I could help, even a little is something.  Just knowing there are other parents going through the same thing helps.  My daughter has never been diagnosed with anything other than anxiety.  I don't think she would be receptive to other illnesses.  Not from me for sure.  She is definitely giving a skewed perception of her life and difficulties to her therapist.  She has told her older sister about some of the family issues that she has shared with this therapist.  In her eyes our family was toxic.  She doesn't relate the toxicity to her behaviour.  She doesn't see that we as a family hugely lessened the effect of her condition so as not to make a terrible home life.  For example:  when she would rage for hours at me on a very regular basis I would ignore her.  This raging would go on for hours.  It's the only way I could cope. I would talk to her after she calmed down but wouldn't engage during the rage.  In her eyes I was a disconnected parent.  I would leave for work very early so that there wouldn't be an opportunity to fight in the mornings.  She saw this as never being present as a teen.  She doesn't see that it was the rages causing this.  I may not have been right in doing this, but as you know..what the hell are we supposed to do. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Without any outside professional help I just had no idea of how to deal with this.  I always say we did the best we could with knowing what we knew.  As for the not thinking in the same way as mentally healthy people..I saw a post once about how someone thinks with mental illness.  I wish I had of saved it as it really changed my way of thinking about her.  I don't think she maliciously  does this on purpose.  I think it's like an addict of sorts..It's the illness that generates the negative thoughts as would be the drugs in an addict.  Knowing that takes away some of the hurt she causes.  Although she is responsible for her actions I don't think she truly realizes that she is doing it. I also have absolutely 0 resentment for her behaviour.  I don't hold any grudges.  I don't blame her for what went on.  It serves no purpose.  I don't think she could control this or even realized what she was doing.  Her older sister and I try very hard not to have arguments with her face to face or even on the phone.  If the fight starts up we quickly switch to texting.  With texting there is no question as to what was said.  There is no room for skewing what was said.  We also stick to the facts and let it go.  We don't engage in any back and forth texting.  What we have found is that this approach helps her to look at her behaviour and often times she will actually apologize.  The texting wars have gotten less severe and less often. So again not a cure Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), but a way to not let ourselves be pulled into her crazing thought process. With your son maybe a letter to him may help.  Tell him how you feel.  Then the ball is in his court.  That's all you can do really.  It's now up to him to reach out.  If he chooses not to that is on him.  Try to not feel responsible for fixing this. Recognize when you have done everything you can.  Doing everything you can doesn't mean that you are compromising who you are or what your truth is.  I get that it's easier said than done.  My daughter has never cut it off with me...yet.  I have no idea how I would cope.  I hope if that day ever comes that I will have the strength to deal with it.  I think sadly that this condition they have will not go away.  So all we can do as parents is keep ourselves mentally healthy so that we can be there for them.
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MLA1

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« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2023, 08:53:24 PM »

Hi Watson CM

Ever think about becoming a therapist yourself? your words are really helpful!

I do not know how I am coping with the cutoff... the agony is every second of every day and keeping up with my job is getting difficult. It is going on 3 months now... My boss knows (she's the only one at work) and she is sympathetic... but still the work has to happen.

I like your approach of texting. I was thinking it would be better if we could ever speak, but maybe until he gets some trust back it has to be texts... And maybe i will respond back to one of his rage texts with a curt dislike of the words he is using. I bet dollars to donuts your approach will work.

Like you, I do not see my child as malicious and agree it is like an addiction - the disease makes them ride this roller coaster of distrust, rage, temporary acceptance, distrust, rage, temporary acceptance and on and on. My son has only ever gotten the diagnosis of depression and I bet he like your daughter also could not accept it is more. I had thought until Christmas, when the event happened leading to the cut off, it was just major depression. I have, like you, just walked outside for hours when he has been raging and not taken on his temper. I have been told by his psychiatrist to call the police but I never would. I can only imagine how much worse it would make his life.

There is a type of therapy for borderline you have probably read about called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) so I am learning how that works to incorporate it into whatever conversation I hope I may have with him some day to be more successful. I'm told that if someone with borderline gets treated (either Outpatient or inpatient) within about 12 to 24 months they are pretty close to normal. they will always have to get more treatment, but they can live a fairly normal life. I wish I could get my son to that but he will never believe he needs it - at least not now...

If you have learned how to diffuse your daughter's temper, i bet she will never cut you off. My son hit a moment where he got delusional and i didn't catch on fast enough and didn't diffuse him - when I said something that he felt was invalidating - off with my head.

I have gotten a psychiatrist to help me - he has asked if maybe he could reach out to my son, to interview him about what is happening and capture his input, and maybe from there we can start building something. It is at least one option and I am hopeful my son will agree to at least this first step. I did read tonight that when they cut you off it is because they deeply care for you. otherwise the cut off wouldn't be needed. Maybe that is true?

I will hold your approach close in mind. It will feel good to stand up for myself with some of the accusations i (now rarely) get on text. And if my son won't agree to meeting the psychiatrist, I will hope texting with new boundaries will be effective.

Keep me posted on how things are working with your daughter!
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WatsonCM

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« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2023, 10:43:03 AM »

I just looked up dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).  I have never heard of this.  This is so helpful tho.  We always thought my daughter felt her emotions way too strongly.  I was told once that when she raged it was because she felt so awful, she wanted us to feel how she felt.  When she was a toddler she adored her older sister.  If her sister got hurt and was crying she would bang her head on the wall in sympathy Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  Never to the point of injury but still was to me odd.  If anyone was upset she would act the clown to try and cheer you up.  She couldn't handle seeing anyone in any type of pain.  We just thought it was cute and that she was a very caring 3 year old.  We didn't associate it to a mental illness.  The therapy sounds like it could really help her process.  That's what I want for her is to take a more holistic and cognitive approach to her treatment.  Drugs can only do so much.  They can mask symptoms but they can't get to the core of why the behaviour.  Thank you for the tip.  I will definitely be looking into this for her.  And yes keep me posted as well how your son is doing.  I'm glad you are seeking help as well.  I think my methods are helping with my daughter, but they may not be right for everyone.  Having a professional overseeing your own coping mechanisms is a good thing. 
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MLA1

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« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2023, 07:42:51 AM »

Hi Watson CM
I am so glad if the tip may help. DBT has been in play for over a decade and the research shows it truly is impactful. In fact, the research shows that if a patient is willing to participate, symptoms can be managed reach a close to normal state in 12 to 24 months. Some need inpatient but many can go outpatient. It is hard to find though - so be patient! I live in boston and am now working with a psychiatrist at mcLean hospital, a psychiatric hospital, where they have a border line program with DBT clinic. you may need to look to a hospital like that to find it. you can also call the Marsha Linehan clinic at the university of washington where the therapy was first developed to see if they can help you find resources. Also you can call the national alliance on mental illness (NAMI.org) and they also stay on the phone with you to help you find local resources.
Here's to hoping we both can find the path to a happier child and family!
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