Does this sound like BPD? I'm devastated

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This may seem like a long story but I think its essential to know the full story.

Im wondering if my now ex has BPD. We only dated for 4 months but my lord was it a roller-coaster. We had been friends for 7 years. She had been working in other states for 5 years and traveling around various places. She came back to finally "settle down" and what I would later find out was get help for her mental problems.

We started hanging out as friends. We both had EVERYTHING in common, and did prior to her coming back (she didnt adapt to my interests, she already had them.) After a month or so of hanging out we realized there was more to our friendship and started dating. While we were going out I noticed she would go through times where she was moody. Didnt bother me, just thought she was tired or it was "that time of the month" and I let her be but always left the door open if we wanted to hang.

The first discard happened right before christmas. She ended up working a double at work, and didnt want to proceed with our plans for the evening. I understood so I went out with some friends. She got upset that I was out with friends while she was alone by herself. Even though she told me she wanted to be alone. She ended things. I was broken, but 24 hours later she came back. Apologized and said she had time to think and didnt want to loose me and told me about all her mental health struggles over the years and how it has affected her relationships. I totally understood and we hung out the next day. She told me she loved me and I loved her (2 months in).

Throughout the month of January there were more incidents. Around new years she wanted to leave again. She didnt. Around MLK day she broke up with me again, said she wanted to keep traveling and being alone. Again I was broken. I booked a trip out east to see a friend, while I was in the airport she texted me asking if she could see me. I was already on the plane and she told me she didnt want to be here and she was suicidal. I almost got off the plane but didnt and told her to call all the hotlines and reach out for help. She said "ill be fine" and would not respond to me. 2 days later she reached out and said sorry and said ive been everything to her and didnt know how to proceed but apologized. I was madly in love with her at this point so I took her back. I realized she was dealing with something serious.

In early Feburary it happened again. The suicidal threats. This time more serious. But it passed and she did not end things this time. I went on a trip and while on the trip she texted me everyday. These beautiful lyrics and told me everytime she wants to leave our state she thinks back to me. When I returned everything was fantastic. She stayed with me for 10 days and all was good. Valentines day was incredible and she wrote me this nice card. on the 19th of feburary out of the blue she texts me saying she no longer wants to make plans and is going to keep traveling and working seasonally. I told her I would not have this conversation over text and we need to talk in person. She agreed. All week I tried to find a time but she was always "busy" I kept asking her to at least talk on the phone and she said she would because she "owed" me that. Never happened. She told me "I know this is hard for you but this is what I want to do" I texted her what I needed to say, and left her stuff for her with a nice note. Never heard from her again. Shes unfollowed me, Unfriended me, Deleted my snapchat, but did not block my number.

Now I see she's back out west with... HER EX. The same ex she told me was mean to her, and had fundamental differences with. She told me time after time again she wanted to be her own person and be alone and I told her to do it if she needs to be. But literally less than 2 weeks after we broke up shes back with him. Im torn to pieces. Ive lost 15 pounds, and im constantly on edge. Shes not diagnosed with BPD but sure displays symptoms of it. She would always say things like "everyone leaves me" but yet shes the one who left me! After everything we went through and what I put myself through, I feel betrayed and empty. Especially to loose a friend as well. Everything in me wants to text her. To see how shes doing, but also to make her understand how much she hurt me. How long was this ex in the picture? Was I a rebound? they broke up 2 years prior. She never deleted his pictures, but deleted mine! I believed she cared. I met her family, we did everything together. She said its because she could not find work here (has trouble staying with jobs) and that it wasnt me. But the EX! Really?

I could really use some support

[MN_Dude]

This may seem like a long story but I think its essential to know the full story.

Im wondering if my now ex has BPD. We only dated for 4 months but my lord was it a roller-coaster. We had been friends for 7 years. She had been working in other states for 5 years and traveling around various places. She came back to finally "settle down" and what I would later find out was get help for her mental problems.

We started hanging out as friends. We both had EVERYTHING in common, and did prior to her coming back (she didnt adapt to my interests, she already had them.) After a month or so of hanging out we realized there was more to our friendship and started dating. While we were going out I noticed she would go through times where she was moody. Didnt bother me, just thought she was tired or it was "that time of the month" and I let her be but always left the door open if we wanted to hang.

The first discard happened right before christmas. She ended up working a double at work, and didnt want to proceed with our plans for the evening. I understood so I went out with some friends. She got upset that I was out with friends while she was alone by herself. Even though she told me she wanted to be alone. She ended things. I was broken, but 24 hours later she came back. Apologized and said she had time to think and didnt want to loose me and told me about all her mental health struggles over the years and how it has affected her relationships. I totally understood and we hung out the next day. She told me she loved me and I loved her (2 months in).

Throughout the month of January there were more incidents. Around new years she wanted to leave again. She didnt. Around MLK day she broke up with me again, said she wanted to keep traveling and being alone. Again I was broken. I booked a trip out east to see a friend, while I was in the airport she texted me asking if she could see me. I was already on the plane and she told me she didnt want to be here and she was suicidal. I almost got off the plane but didnt and told her to call all the hotlines and reach out for help. She said "ill be fine" and would not respond to me. 2 days later she reached out and said sorry and said ive been everything to her and didnt know how to proceed but apologized. I was madly in love with her at this point so I took her back. I realized she was dealing with something serious.

In early Feburary it happened again. The suicidal threats. This time more serious. But it passed and she did not end things this time. I went on a trip and while on the trip she texted me everyday. These beautiful lyrics and told me everytime she wants to leave our state she thinks back to me. When I returned everything was fantastic. She stayed with me for 10 days and all was good. Valentines day was incredible and she wrote me this nice card. on the 19th of feburary out of the blue she texts me saying she no longer wants to make plans and is going to keep traveling and working seasonally. I told her I would not have this conversation over text and we need to talk in person. She agreed. All week I tried to find a time but she was always "busy" I kept asking her to at least talk on the phone and she said she would because she "owed" me that. Never happened. She told me "I know this is hard for you but this is what I want to do" I texted her what I needed to say, and left her stuff for her with a nice note. Never heard from her again. Shes unfollowed me, Unfriended me, Deleted my snapchat, but did not block my number.

Now I see she's back out west with... HER EX. The same ex she told me was mean to her, and had fundamental differences with. She told me time after time again she wanted to be her own person and be alone and I told her to do it if she needs to be. But literally less than 2 weeks after we broke up shes back with him. Im torn to pieces. Ive lost 15 pounds, and im constantly on edge. Shes not diagnosed with BPD but sure displays symptoms of it. She would always say things like "everyone leaves me" but yet shes the one who left me! After everything we went through and what I put myself through, I feel betrayed and empty. Especially to loose a friend as well. Everything in me wants to text her. To see how shes doing, but also to make her understand how much she hurt me. How long was this ex in the picture? Was I a rebound? they broke up 2 years prior. She never deleted his pictures, but deleted mine! I believed she cared. I met her family, we did everything together. She said its because she could not find work here (has trouble staying with jobs) and that it wasnt me. But the EX! Really?

I could really use some support

[once removed]

ouch. i can understand why you would be devastated.

my relationship had a similar ending - ex said that she wanted to be single, but jumped into a relationship that i would realize she was setting up before we ever broke up. its a real double whammy.

theres no easy way to deal with this. so much of it is just kind of white knuckling to get through the days, and surrounding yourself in as much support as possible. time wont heal your wounds, but it will make the pain less acute. it really will get better. in fact, as crazy as it sounds right now, you can emerge from this even stronger.

i would strongly suggest you dont reach out to her right now. i wanted to, as well. i imagine theres a great deal you want to say, and you should, whether it is here, or in a letter you dont send, or in a journal. but the problem with reaching out to her is that shes not going to be able to give you answers, she may very well be cold, youre vulnerable, and you will likely feel even worse. what helped me was telling myself "i can talk to her any time i want, but now is not the right time".

as awful as it is, i promise you, and especially if you build a strong support system, this really does get better.

[MN_Dude]

ouch. i can understand why you would be devastated.

my relationship had a similar ending - ex said that she wanted to be single, but jumped into a relationship that i would realize she was setting up before we ever broke up. its a real double whammy.

theres no easy way to deal with this. so much of it is just kind of white knuckling to get through the days, and surrounding yourself in as much support as possible. time wont heal your wounds, but it will make the pain less acute. it really will get better. in fact, as crazy as it sounds right now, you can emerge from this even stronger.

i would strongly suggest you dont reach out to her right now. i wanted to, as well. i imagine theres a great deal you want to say, and you should, whether it is here, or in a letter you dont send, or in a journal. but the problem with reaching out to her is that shes not going to be able to give you answers, she may very well be cold, youre vulnerable, and you will likely feel even worse. what helped me was telling myself "i can talk to her any time i want, but now is not the right time".

as awful as it is, i promise you, and especially if you build a strong support system, this really does get better.

Am I wrong for thinking this was all fake? I mean it sounds to me she has BPD. She also never really got along with her family and she was stubborn and refused to stay with them. I worry about putting the BPD label on her when she doesn't have it but it sure sounds like it. Im worried I was the one causing her issues, holding her back, and made her realize she missed her ex. Even though they broke up because he would get angry when she was feeling down, and had fundamental differences on religion, etc.

[AvrilNeedsHelp]

I have gone through this cycle with my spouse (separated for a year) over and over again.  Of course I am not qualified to make a diagnosis for my partner any more than yours, but I do hope you are taking some time for self-care.   If you look at this from the perspective that you were dating someone who potentially has a serious mental illness and the emotional intelligence of a child it may be easier to comprehend.  I do hope you find peace and understanding that there is likely nothing you could have done.  I have found some really helpful books and would be happy to share if you like.

Best,
A

[cranmango]

Sending support your way. I agree with what's been said by others. The most likely interpretation is that everything was "real" to your ex in the moment, and what they are doing now is also "real."

Over several rounds with my uBPDex spanning years, I have alternately been the rebound and the ex multiple times. Each breakup sent me into a deep depression, with significant weight loss, isolation, and sleepless nights.

Which is a long way to say--I hear you. Focus on taking care of yourself right now. Find support from friends and family. Speak to a therapist if you can. As much as it hurts right now, I promise that it won't always feel this way.

[MN_Dude]

Sending support your way. I agree with what's been said by others. The most likely interpretation is that everything was "real" to your ex in the moment, and what they are doing now is also "real."

Over several rounds with my uBPDex spanning years, I have alternately been the rebound and the ex multiple times. Each breakup sent me into a deep depression, with significant weight loss, isolation, and sleepless nights.

Which is a long way to say--I hear you. Focus on taking care of yourself right now. Find support from friends and family. Speak to a therapist if you can. As much as it hurts right now, I promise that it won't always feel this way.

Thank you. Really. I have been seeing a therapist. I have been since one of her first splits but now I need it more than ever. Its hard for me to think shes out living this awesome life now with no remorse. Like I was nothing. I saw a future with her, she just wasnt happy in our state. But will she ever be happy anywhere? Probably not. It kills me because she was just absolutely beautiful, with great personality, and common interests. She says the only reason we broke up is because she wants to keep moving, but I always jump to the conclusion it was me. It sounds insane, but if she was willing to settle down, id take her back because honestly she never did anything hurtful to me in the relationship. The only thing hurtful she did to me was to cut me out of her life out of the blue with no closure, but I know thats her illness.

[SinisterComplex]

Trust me my friend you will get better and you will become stronger. It does take time. Speaking from my war scars...as time passes you start to think from the perspective wtf was I thinking? Then there will be the why I let myself be so affected, etc. It becomes more of a situation hey it sucked to go through, but it becomes a meh much ado about nothing kind of feeling over time.

In this grieving process take the time to build a better and stronger relationship with yourself. Perhaps it will be rather illuminating and enlightening for you.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself. This family has your back. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[OKrunch]

Its hard for me to think shes out living this awesome life now with no remorse. Like I was nothing. I saw a future with her, she just wasnt happy in our state.
Don't let this invasive thought kill your peace. I know it's a hard one not to dwell on, but let me be the one to say.
SHE ISN'T.

But will she ever be happy anywhere? Probably not.
Exactly

 It kills me because she was just absolutely beautiful, with great personality, and common interests. She says the only reason we broke up is because she wants to keep moving, but I always jump to the conclusion it was me. It sounds insane, but if she was willing to settle down, id take her back because honestly she never did anything hurtful to me in the relationship.
Yes, she did. Ghosting is hurtful, see below.
 The only thing hurtful she did to me was to cut me out of her life out of the blue with no closure, but I know thats her illness.

[Couscous]

The most likely interpretation is that everything was "real" to your ex in the moment, and what they are doing now is also "real."

It’s actually not helpful in the long run to make this assumption. I think it can really delay the recovery process. Accepting that the relationship was a lie from the start is very painful, but it’s less painful in the long run, just like ripping off a bandaid.

[cranmango]

It’s actually not helpful in the long run to make this assumption. I think it can really delay the recovery process. Accepting that the relationship was a lie from the start is very painful, but it’s less painful in the long run, just like ripping off a bandaid.

You’re right. What I was trying to say is that pwBPD sometimes mean things in the moment, but it doesn’t stick. There’s too much chaos, unstable sense of self, and impulsivity for anything to stick. So a lot of the promises and future talk are all a mirage.

Another way I could have phrased is is that very little of what they do is “real.”

[MN_Dude]

You’re right. What I was trying to say is that pwBPD sometimes mean things in the moment, but it doesn’t stick. There’s too much chaos, unstable sense of self, and impulsivity for anything to stick. So a lot of the promises and future talk are all a mirage.

Another way I could have phrased is is that very little of what they do is “real.”

So what about her ex huh? I think they dated for around a year. They had a dog together. She thinks she can be truly happy in the mountains. Part of me believes her, at least it would help. Im just having such a hard time trying to understand if she has BPD or if she was just using me as a emotional support animal.

[OKrunch]

Im just having such a hard time trying to understand if she has BPD or if she was just using me as a emotional support animal.

Both.

[OKrunch]

So what about her ex huh? I think they dated for around a year. They had a dog together.

Her Ex has, is, and will experience the same crap you went through. Then she might show up with you again, albiet temporarily.
Your questions are still fueled by ego.
"Why does EX get what I can't have"
"shes out living this awesome life now with no remorse. Like I was nothing."
Your grieving what you lost. The time you put into this.
I get it, 8 months ago I was engaged. 6 months ago I slept my first night In a camper (as i have done for the last 6 months) and had to rapdily pull my 8 year old son out of school, 3 weeks into a new school year, and put him in a new one.

It's easy to be angry about what you lost, or what someone else is "enjoying" in your stead.
Stop tying your happiness to her.
You were happy and content before you knew she existed, and you will be so again.
Women like this are The Moon, they shine only based on the reflected light of the Sun. They themselves have no illumintory power. The Moon is ever changing, mobile, and often absent.
You are The Sun, you generate your own light and heat, and The Moon needed it while in view. Now its your new moon, she is gone.
Its up to you what you'll do when she Waxes again, for as sure as The Moon shall rise, she will.

[cranmango]

You were happy and content before you knew she existed, and you will be so again.
Women like this are The Moon, they shine only based on the reflected light of the Sun. They themselves have no illumintory power. The Moon is ever changing, mobile, and often absent.
You are The Sun, you generate your own light and heat, and The Moon needed it while in view. Now its your new moon, she is gone.
It’s up to you what you'll do when she Waxes again, for as sure as The Moon shall rise, she will.

Wow. Well said. Bookmarking this.

[Couscous]

You’re right. What I was trying to say is that pwBPD sometimes mean things in the moment, but it doesn’t stick. There’s too much chaos, unstable sense of self, and impulsivity for anything to stick. So a lot of the promises and future talk are all a mirage.

Another way I could have phrased is is that very little of what they do is “real.”

I would agree with what you said if we’re actually talking BPD. Since there was no splitting prior to her departure this makes me somewhat doubtful that this woman has BPD. She could just be highly narcissistic.

[SinisterComplex]

So what about her ex huh? I think they dated for around a year. They had a dog together. She thinks she can be truly happy in the mountains. Part of me believes her, at least it would help. Im just having such a hard time trying to understand if she has BPD or if she was just using me as a emotional support animal.

My friend. First, understand I truly have your back here. Second, I am definitely a blunt force trauma kind of instrument...not like that wasn't obvious. LOL. Now with saying that I do want to make a point here...the others are pretty spot on and they're collective support is wonderful isn't it? That is why we are a fam here. Now to get right to it...I have been purposely trying to steer you away from being Wile E Coyote and chasing after the RoadRunner which is searching for a logical explanation based on reason. Ultimately, it does not matter if she has BPD or not. She displayed disordered behavior and ultimately you got treated like S . All that matters is helping you heal and move on from this literal kick in the nuts.

Runchie's quote here was spectacular "You were happy and content before you knew she existed, and you will be so again.
Women like this are The Moon, they shine only based on the reflected light of the Sun. They themselves have no illumintory power. The Moon is ever changing, mobile, and often absent.
You are The Sun, you generate your own light and heat, and The Moon needed it while in view. Now its your new moon, she is gone.
It’s up to you what you'll do when she Waxes again, for as sure as The Moon shall rise, she will." - This was put so much more eloquently and its very poetic. With that said I've been essentially drumming the same tune.

So let's redirect and ask you this...what do you think your areas of opportunity are? Where you do think you need to improve?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[MN_Dude]

I would agree with what you said if we’re actually talking BPD. Since there was no splitting prior to her departure this makes me somewhat doubtful that this woman has BPD. She could just be highly narcissistic.

Except there was splitting. 5 times actually. She wanted to "Break Up"

[OKrunch]

Except there was splitting. 5 times actually. She wanted to "Break Up"

Yea, I call those "Micro Splits" - My ex mentioned how many times we had already broken up, during the process of ACTUALLY breaking up. She had said we broke up "Several times in the last few weeks" I was like...Ummm news to me?

they build up like straws on the camels back, until one day, the REAL split comes, and out comes the black paint.

[once removed]

Im just having such a hard time trying to understand if she has BPD or if she was just using me as a emotional support animal.

a safe assumption is that she has traits (perhaps even pronounced traits) of BPD, but wouldnt reach the threshold of a diagnosis. that is the case for the majority (not all) of our exes discussed on this board.

something reaches the level of "disorder" when those traits are severe enough that they significantly impair ones quality of life (and incidentally, nothing to do with their impact on the lives of others). thats why a diagnosis is usually made when they end up in the hospital, with a suicide attempt, or eating disorder, or a major life crisis.

the difference is severity. my own ex has pathological, lifelong bpd traits, but probably would not reach the threshold for a diagnosis, at least not at this time in her life.

it only takes a splash of BPD traits though, to wreak a lot of havoc on their own lives, and the lives of those they love, as is evident.

was she "using you as an emotional support animal"? this isnt simple to answer. it no doubt feels that way. it is, by and large, the result. was she intentionally doing so, or was what she felt for you "fake"? probably not.

what it sounds like to me, is the classic situation where she had an unresolved previous relationship she was trying to move on from, but hadnt let go of. this is really rough for the person it happens to (it has happened to me twice in my life). there generally is just no competing with it. you will lose and be hurt 9/10 times if not more. the pull to try again is often too strong, and additionally, dysfunctional relationships (assuming theirs was one) have an addictive quality to them. clearly, the distance/nomad thing was part of it too.

where does bpd come in?

while this is something anyone can do, people with bpd are, generally speaking, not very thoughtful when it comes to the effect they have on others. they can be pretty self absorbed and aloof, and especially after a breakup. they have a greater than average tendency to emotionally cut people off, or "ghost".

they are dreamers. they can be fickle. this is one reason they push for commitment quickly, and why they express their love so strongly, in over the top ways. because they feel intensely, but it does not necessarily run very deeply. its a bit like the fact that ive probably at some point told any girl i dated that she was "the most beautiful girl in the world". was i lying? not exactly. was i over expressing myself? yeah. does any girl that i previously dated reasonably expect me to still believe that about them? probably not.

psychology terms can be confusing, and the internet really doesnt help in this regard. this should help when it comes to the concept of splitting: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

[MN_Dude]

a safe assumption is that she has traits (perhaps even pronounced traits) of BPD, but wouldnt reach the threshold of a diagnosis. that is the case for the majority (not all) of our exes discussed on this board.

something reaches the level of "disorder" when those traits are severe enough that they significantly impair ones quality of life (and incidentally, nothing to do with their impact on the lives of others). thats why a diagnosis is usually made when they end up in the hospital, with a suicide attempt, or eating disorder, or a major life crisis.

the difference is severity. my own ex has pathological, lifelong bpd traits, but probably would not reach the threshold for a diagnosis, at least not at this time in her life.

it only takes a splash of BPD traits though, to wreak a lot of havoc on their own lives, and the lives of those they love, as is evident.

was she "using you as an emotional support animal"? this isnt simple to answer. it no doubt feels that way. it is, by and large, the result. was she intentionally doing so, or was what she felt for you "fake"? probably not.

what it sounds like to me, is the classic situation where she had an unresolved previous relationship she was trying to move on from, but hadnt let go of. this is really rough for the person it happens to (it has happened to me twice in my life). there generally is just no competing with it. you will lose and be hurt 9/10 times if not more. the pull to try again is often too strong, and additionally, dysfunctional relationships (assuming theirs was one) have an addictive quality to them. clearly, the distance/nomad thing was part of it too.

where does bpd come in?

while this is something anyone can do, people with bpd are, generally speaking, not very thoughtful when it comes to the effect they have on others. they can be pretty self absorbed and aloof, and especially after a breakup. they have a greater than average tendency to emotionally cut people off, or "ghost".

they are dreamers. they can be fickle. this is one reason they push for commitment quickly, and why they express their love so strongly, in over the top ways. because they feel intensely, but it does not necessarily run very deeply. its a bit like the fact that ive probably at some point told any girl i dated that she was "the most beautiful girl in the world". was i lying? not exactly. was i over expressing myself? yeah. does any girl that i previously dated reasonably expect me to still believe that about them? probably not.

psychology terms can be confusing, and the internet really doesnt help in this regard. this should help when it comes to the concept of splitting: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

Thanks for your response. It still baffles me after 2 years of them being apart, and all the bad things she told me about him she would go back. Like I was nothing, and out of absolutely nowhere. I feel used. Even since I posted this, I noticed a strange instagram account randomly viewing my stories periodically. I assumed it was her. I requested to follow it, and blocked me. 100% was her. 

[once removed]

It still baffles me after 2 years of them being apart, and all the bad things she told me about him she would go back.

sadly, this is not uncommon. two years is a long time, and may provide some justification, the idea that things might be different this time.

as for all the bad things, i was with my ex for three years. i said lots of bad things about her and to her and yet i stayed.

sometimes, the people we are trying to convince are ourselves.

Like I was nothing, and out of absolutely nowhere.

what she did was really brutal. up and disappearing on someone (jumping into a relationship aside) is a serious wringer to be put through. she lacked the ability or emotional fortitude to do better.

I feel used.

i know  . and youre not wrong to feel that way. like many things, and although it may be cold comfort, i suspect it is more complex than that, and you will come to see that as you heal, and learn. it doesnt change the fact that it feels that way now, and its an awful way to feel.

[Couscous]

Whether it was BPD or something else entirely, what’s clear is that it’s not normal to drop someone like a hot potato, and it’s real a shock to one’s system to experience something like this. Out attachment system just isn’t designed for an experience like this.

Whether or not she used you, she clearly did not develop a true attachment to you, and the most likely explanation was because you weren’t abusive. Chances are high that she had an abusive childhood, and as such, her attachment system will only be activated by someone abusive. This is known as the repetition compulsion.

Suffice it to say, she did not leave because there is something wrong with you. She left because there is something broken inside of her, and it wasn’t personal.

It can take time, but you will recover in time.