Our anniversary will be tomorrow and I'm wondering what to do

[Bella2798]

Hi all.
My partner is in another splitting episode, and it's been two days.

We talked a bit today. First, everything was fine, then I felt he got triggered (we were talking about his feeling that he'll never find love because he doesn't deserve it because he's fat, ugly, etc.). He brought up the topic himself) and told me not to continue because "I have no connection to other people and do not live in society, so I don't really understand and I live in my own world". Not a new thing to hear from him. He asked me to continue later, and I started by asking him if something had happened related to this (Due to something he had shared before on his social media).
He went on like, "I just told you!" and then asked me not to continue. He said, "Do not text me this much," and that was the last conversation we had.

With this background in mind, I'm thinking about whether I should do anything for our anniversary. It'll be the 10th year. I'm wondering if I should do anything, because I'm not sure if it triggers him, like is it suffocating him to mention it, or is it ignorant of me to ignore it or to just simply mention something so he knows I remembered?

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[thankful person]

Hi Bella, I find that even in the best of times, any anniversary, special occasion or holiday is a huge challenge and I think it’s because the pwbpd feels some kind of pressure for the day to be happy and perfect and it can never live up to the perfection they hope or expect. In my wife’s case it would never be a good idea to not mention the occasion, this would only be used as future ammunition and evidence you don’t care etc. So I would definitely acknowledge it. It’s hard when you feel like saying, “happy anniversary, I know it’s not a happy time for us though…” Obviously you don’t have hopes or expectations for it to be a happy celebration so that is important for your own self-protection. I used to get so anxious about giving my wife gifts because of how she has sometimes reacted (like she has said many times my gift has somehow ruined the whole day). Then once I joined bpd family, I somehow got an air about me.. “I know you’re going to hate this gift and if you do then that’s ok, I’m prepared for that “. Strangely since I came to this feeling, she has never complained of my gift ruining any occasion. I hope it goes ok for you anyway.

[Chief Drizzt]

Ironically it’s my anniversary today - 33 years.  I bought my wife a pretty nice necklace - she told me to give it to our daughter….

[Notwendy]

Bella, it's been 10 years. That's a good amount of time to evaluate the situation for your perspective. Your posts are focused on him and how to approach/behave/react to his changing moods. Where are you in this relationship? Your feelings in particular. It's understandable that you are feeling worried, on edge, focused on the relationship. It's clear you want the relationship but for two people to have one, they both have to want it.

It seems your partner has a low self esteem and finds flaws with himself, saying he's too unattractive to be loved and that is very sad. However, after 10 years of you affirming that you do care for him, and he still feels this way, I think it's fair to say that this is how he thinks and feels, not something you have not done enough to convince him otherwise but that it's not possible for us to change how someone else thinks or feels. I think it's also fair to say that if he feels badly about himself, he can be easily triggered by someone else and project this on to someone else and is not about you that he does this.

He has boundaries too. Is there a reason why you don't believe him when he says "don't text so much?". My guess is that you text him out of fear and concern for him and also to see the status of the relationship- and the need to connect. But what if he's being truthful and feels he needs less texts?

Sometimes the best thing to do is not be reactive to the moods and stay on neutral ground. If he asks to not text so often, then don't completely stop but also, don't text a lot. If he asks for space - don't completely ignore him but let him have some time to himself and still let him know you are available to talk if he wants. Am I correct that the two of you are long distance? Then there's not a lot to do on an anniversary as you can't go out to dinner or something like that. I'd suggest letting him know that you remember the day. A text such as "Happy Anniversary - I love you!" and then let him reply. He may say to leave him alone or he may want to talk more. If he is splitting, that's his choice. You can reply, "I am sorry that you feel this way but I will respect your request. I'm here if you need to talk- love you" and then let him be.

Just as you can't control his feelings, he can't completely control yours. Yes, you will feel sad and worried if he's on a split, but still, you can also decide to do some self care. If you have this whole day to yourself, what nice things can you do for you? Maybe take a walk, watch a movie, make your favorite food, ask a friend to lunch. He's going to feel what he feels and if he's in a split, you can also decide it's OK to do something for yourself.

[Bella2798]

Hi Bella, I find that even in the best of times, any anniversary, special occasion or holiday is a huge challenge and I think it’s because the pwbpd feels some kind of pressure for the day to be happy and perfect and it can never live up to the perfection they hope or expect. In my wife’s case it would never be a good idea to not mention the occasion, this would only be used as future ammunition and evidence you don’t care etc. So I would definitely acknowledge it. It’s hard when you feel like saying, “happy anniversary, I know it’s not a happy time for us though…” Obviously you don’t have hopes or expectations for it to be a happy celebration so that is important for your own self-protection. I used to get so anxious about giving my wife gifts because of how she has sometimes reacted (like she has said many times my gift has somehow ruined the whole day). Then once I joined bpd family, I somehow got an air about me.. “I know you’re going to hate this gift and if you do then that’s ok, I’m prepared for that “. Strangely since I came to this feeling, she has never complained of my gift ruining any occasion. I hope it goes ok for you anyway.

Dear Thankful person, you're so right about expecting the perfect thing.
I guess I have to lower my expectations and also focus on myself more. I'm actually horrified of my anxiety level when I came back here to read my thread. I guess I should go easy on both of us but let him know I remembered, just for not making evidence of "I don't care".

[Bella2798]

Ironically it’s my anniversary today - 33 years.  I bought my wife a pretty nice necklace - she told me to give it to our daughter….

Congratulations! And also I'm sorry it went that way for you, it's sad to see our gifts rejected and I understand the feeling for sure. One of the worst feelings ever.

[Bella2798]

Bella, it's been 10 years. That's a good amount of time to evaluate the situation for your perspective. Your posts are focused on him and how to approach/behave/react to his changing moods. Where are you in this relationship? Your feelings in particular. It's understandable that you are feeling worried, on edge, focused on the relationship. It's clear you want the relationship but for two people to have one, they both have to want it.

It seems your partner has a low self esteem and finds flaws with himself, saying he's too unattractive to be loved and that is very sad. However, after 10 years of you affirming that you do care for him, and he still feels this way, I think it's fair to say that this is how he thinks and feels, not something you have not done enough to convince him otherwise but that it's not possible for us to change how someone else thinks or feels. I think it's also fair to say that if he feels badly about himself, he can be easily triggered by someone else and project this on to someone else and is not about you that he does this.

He has boundaries too. Is there a reason why you don't believe him when he says "don't text so much?". My guess is that you text him out of fear and concern for him and also to see the status of the relationship- and the need to connect. But what if he's being truthful and feels he needs less texts?

Sometimes the best thing to do is not be reactive to the moods and stay on neutral ground. If he asks to not text so often, then don't completely stop but also, don't text a lot. If he asks for space - don't completely ignore him but let him have some time to himself and still let him know you are available to talk if he wants. Am I correct that the two of you are long distance? Then there's not a lot to do on an anniversary as you can't go out to dinner or something like that. I'd suggest letting him know that you remember the day. A text such as "Happy Anniversary - I love you!" and then let him reply. He may say to leave him alone or he may want to talk more. If he is splitting, that's his choice. You can reply, "I am sorry that you feel this way but I will respect your request. I'm here if you need to talk- love you" and then let him be.

Just as you can't control his feelings, he can't completely control yours. Yes, you will feel sad and worried if he's on a split, but still, you can also decide to do some self care. If you have this whole day to yourself, what nice things can you do for you? Maybe take a walk, watch a movie, make your favorite food, ask a friend to lunch. He's going to feel what he feels and if he's in a split, you can also decide it's OK to do something for yourself.

Notwendy, thanks for reminding me to focus on myself more. I actually got really scared when I came back to read the thread. I was in a very high level of anxiety, and I didn't realize back then. Funny.

I've learned to ignore my needs and tie my happiness to him and moods. And it's draining my energy and mental health.

About his feeling of not receiving texts, there are times when he's totally closed for any communications. But also there are times like this that what he says and does is just an example of "I hate you, don't leave me" so I'm really confused on what to do.

I've realized I'm continuously asking for help to be less confused and more aware on how to behave and react. And I know that I can make this progress by looking for more information, reading books I have, etc. But to be honest, my mind is too heavy that I can't stand reading books right now. My attention span accepts only reading online, short posts.

Also thank you for your advice on not being reactive to the moods.

After the post I went shopping and finally managed to do some self care and some activities I had missed. It felt pretty good!

[Notwendy]

My own experience is through having a mother with BPD and a father who enabled her. He didn't know any better at the time and did what he knew to do to relieve her stress and anxiety.

I learned about BPD from a different perspective. I also had access to information that my father didn't have at the time he married ( internet) and counseling with people who had experience with this.

One thing I learned about enabling is, it isn't helpful and it doesn't help the person to gain new skills because what they are doing is working for them. While it's important to not be punitive or retaliate, the best "teacher" can be natural consequences, done from love. This means we don't just sit back and let all consequences happen. If someone has a friend who is out drunk, we take their car keys and drive them home because the consequences could endanger them or others. But the example might be if a child forgets their homework, facing the teacher would be the lesson.If the parent brings the homework to them, to "spare them" a bad grade, then they don't learn to remember their homework.

Our whole family was enlisted to protect and care for my BPD mother's feelings. So she rarely, if ever, learned that her behavior had consequences. She could do what she wanted, say what she wanted, and so didn't learn that- what she said could be hurtful, or to learn any different behaviors.

So I began to have boundaries and it was very confusing to her. I also want the best for her and had to readjust to thinking enabling is not always the best for her. So one time when she went off on me with insults, I said "lets talk about this later" and left the house. She eventually got the message that if she says mean things to me, I don't want to listen to them. But I am also clear that this doesn't mean I don't care about her or want to listen to her. I still call. I just don't react to what she says but I disengage from a mean conversation.

There's also the idea of- if you tell me to not contact you- well what would any normal situation be? If your friend tells you they need some space- well you would let them have it. If she tells me she's not speaking to me, I say "I am sorry you feel that way, but I respect your wishes, and let me know when you are feeling like you wish to talk.

I know you are concerned about your partner's mental health and yet you aren't there to intervene. If you are concerned he is going to do something - he needs medical professional help and the best you can do for him is to call for that. For the every day exchanges, he's learned that he can say anything he wants to you. He has no incentive to do anything different as this works for him. There are no consequences for him saying mean things to you.

If you want this to change, you need to be the one to change your response and you can do that with love and in a kind manner but not the enabling love, more of a tough love. Think about this. If a child wants a cookie for dinner and the parent knows the child will pitch a fit if they say no, is the parent being kind and loving by letting the child eat cookies for dinner, or is the parent being loving by providing a nutritious meal even if the child isn't happy about it in the moment?

You may not be able to completely stop the mean words or moods but you can decide to stop enabling him to speak to you like that and treat you poorly but this part is your work to do, and you need to get a handle on your fears of him breaking up if you do this. It's not an all or none thing and it's baby steps. But it can start with - if he starts splitting on you, telling you not to text, then tell him you will honor his request and for him to text you back when he feels ready. If he starts insulting you, then you say. "I want to talk to you and I care about you, but these words are hurtful so let's talk later when you feel better" and then do not reply to the mean texts. It's important that you explain yourself briefly and to the point. You are not cutting off contact, you just want the contact to not include verbal insults but you are the one who has to make the change here.

I am glad you did some self care and hopefully you will gain the courage to take steps towards not enabling. It's not always fast progress. One step at a time helps though. be kind to yourself.

[Bella2798]

My own experience is through having a mother with BPD and a father who enabled her. He didn't know any better at the time and did what he knew to do to relieve her stress and anxiety.

I learned about BPD from a different perspective. I also had access to information that my father didn't have at the time he married ( internet) and counseling with people who had experience with this.

One thing I learned about enabling is, it isn't helpful and it doesn't help the person to gain new skills because what they are doing is working for them. While it's important to not be punitive or retaliate, the best "teacher" can be natural consequences, done from love. This means we don't just sit back and let all consequences happen. If someone has a friend who is out drunk, we take their car keys and drive them home because the consequences could endanger them or others. But the example might be if a child forgets their homework, facing the teacher would be the lesson.If the parent brings the homework to them, to "spare them" a bad grade, then they don't learn to remember their homework.

Our whole family was enlisted to protect and care for my BPD mother's feelings. So she rarely, if ever, learned that her behavior had consequences. She could do what she wanted, say what she wanted, and so didn't learn that- what she said could be hurtful, or to learn any different behaviors.

So I began to have boundaries and it was very confusing to her. I also want the best for her and had to readjust to thinking enabling is not always the best for her. So one time when she went off on me with insults, I said "lets talk about this later" and left the house. She eventually got the message that if she says mean things to me, I don't want to listen to them. But I am also clear that this doesn't mean I don't care about her or want to listen to her. I still call. I just don't react to what she says but I disengage from a mean conversation.

There's also the idea of- if you tell me to not contact you- well what would any normal situation be? If your friend tells you they need some space- well you would let them have it. If she tells me she's not speaking to me, I say "I am sorry you feel that way, but I respect your wishes, and let me know when you are feeling like you wish to talk.

I know you are concerned about your partner's mental health and yet you aren't there to intervene. If you are concerned he is going to do something - he needs medical professional help and the best you can do for him is to call for that. For the every day exchanges, he's learned that he can say anything he wants to you. He has no incentive to do anything different as this works for him. There are no consequences for him saying mean things to you.

If you want this to change, you need to be the one to change your response and you can do that with love and in a kind manner but not the enabling love, more of a tough love. Think about this. If a child wants a cookie for dinner and the parent knows the child will pitch a fit if they say no, is the parent being kind and loving by letting the child eat cookies for dinner, or is the parent being loving by providing a nutritious meal even if the child isn't happy about it in the moment?

You may not be able to completely stop the mean words or moods but you can decide to stop enabling him to speak to you like that and treat you poorly but this part is your work to do, and you need to get a handle on your fears of him breaking up if you do this. It's not an all or none thing and it's baby steps. But it can start with - if he starts splitting on you, telling you not to text, then tell him you will honor his request and for him to text you back when he feels ready. If he starts insulting you, then you say. "I want to talk to you and I care about you, but these words are hurtful so let's talk later when you feel better" and then do not reply to the mean texts. It's important that you explain yourself briefly and to the point. You are not cutting off contact, you just want the contact to not include verbal insults but you are the one who has to make the change here.

I am glad you did some self care and hopefully you will gain the courage to take steps towards not enabling. It's not always fast progress. One step at a time helps though. be kind to yourself.

Thanks a lot for your wise words. You and Thankfulperson have helped me a lot since I came here and I can't express my gratitude for all your help.
There's nothing much I wanted to say in reply to this post of yours, I read it many days before but I was in a bit of rest and taking some space from the internet that I didn't answer sooner but your words made me think and rethink deeply.
Just wanted to say thank you to both of you.

[thankful person]

Bella, glad I could help, that’s why I’m here. Although I’m still struggling in my marriage, I recognise that I’ve made a lot of progress, I’ve been in bpd family for just over two years. When I named myself on here I was called “broken person” and then after some time Cat suggested she could help me change my name because I didn’t seem broken so much and I chose “thankful person” in recognition of all the help from not Wendy and Cat and the others on here.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Wendy and Thankful are spot on not much to add.

Something to think about - BPD or not he is a guy and guys have things they want and don’t want in relationships.  This may help as I found it was spot on for me. 

https://www.stylecraze.com/articles/what-men-want-in-a-relationship/

Not exactly a scholarly source, but you get the picture.  We are not the same as women, and we don’t think/act the same.  Sometimes a reminder can be helpful.

Happy Anniversary 

[Bella2798]

Bella, glad I could help, that’s why I’m here. Although I’m still struggling in my marriage, I recognise that I’ve made a lot of progress, I’ve been in bpd family for just over two years. When I named myself on here I was called “broken person” and then after some time Cat suggested she could help me change my name because I didn’t seem broken so much and I chose “thankful person” in recognition of all the help from not Wendy and Cat and the others on here.

I'm so happy for you, although I know we all here have our struggles, but making progress is really a thing to congratulate on, I guess. BPD is tough. I hope I can make some progress too myself.

[Bella2798]

Wendy and Thankful are spot on not much to add.

Something to think about - BPD or not he is a guy and guys have things they want and don’t want in relationships.  This may help as I found it was spot on for me. 

https://www.stylecraze.com/articles/what-men-want-in-a-relationship/

Not exactly a scholarly source, but you get the picture.  We are not the same as women, and we don’t think/act the same.  Sometimes a reminder can be helpful.

Happy Anniversary 

Thanks a lot for the suggestion! I actually have some struggles in finding what he likes and dislikes, and although he's not that much similar to typical men in some aspects I guess I had forgotten the fact that he's still a man anyway. This is a great help.

[Mothy100]

This is a great thread and I love how the replies reflect the duality of BPD in a round about way ... look after yourself but also check that you are observing the pwBPD boundaries. When I am triggered by my partner I can really get into the splitting dynamic myself. The various replies are a useful reminder to check in with my own behaviour , feelings and needs when 'managing' my relationship.

Thanks to the OP and thanks to all who replied