What if it’s me?

[Trying123]

After reading so many threads here I’ve been thinking…

What if it was me that started all this? That’s perhaps the wrong way to phrase it. What if it’s me with the cluster b personality problems that brought out my husband’s alcoholism and codependency?

I know I have a temper. My ex and I got into loud, abusive fights early in our marriage. I cheated on my ex multiple times with very little remorse. Then I expected him to be ok hanging out with one of the guys I cheated on him with. I searched for acceptance from multiple men. Reassurance that I was an acceptable person. I threatened suicide and self harm.

After having children the cheating ended. I always put it down to me being immature. I got married at 18, got pregnant with my first child at 24. My love and desire to be a good mom outweighed whatever was going on in my mind and I actively began to search for ways to control my temper. I was super focused on my children though and my ex was just there. I didn’t want to have sex with him or even be close to him. I’m going to have to unpack that more. I believe that’s part of cluster b thinking as well.

My mind is racing right now…

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I have a mother with BPD and one of my fears was that I might "be like her". Sometimes when I feel and act emotional, I am also fearful about that. Sometimes if I get into conflict with her, I fear that people will judge me as being the problem.

I have had counseling over the issues in my family, done 12 step codependency work and have been reassured many times that I do not have BPD. However children who are raised in dysfunctional families learn behaviors that are functional in that family setting but not functional as adults outside that family. It would probably be impossible for a child to not learn some behaviors from their parents who have been the primary role models for them growing up. We can learn new behaviors.

If you are not doing counseling yourself, I think it would be very helpful to examine some of your own behaviors and issues. Some may have been modeled for you in your family growing up- and with no fault to your parents who may have learned from their parents.

Probably the most reassuring aspect of your experiences is that you were able to put your children's needs first and make positive changes with your behavior. Personality disorders tend to me more constant. However, this doesn't mean there were not other issues to look into. We tend to choose romantic partners who "match" us emotionally in similar ways. It doesn't mean both people have BPD, in fact that would likely not be a stable relationship. I have heard it said that people who cheat are seeking love and affirmation they may not have gotten as children. This doesn't excuse the behavior but since it happened when you were young, maybe that's something to look into. By marrying at 18, you were seeking something.

For me, I consider counseling to be an investment in learning better relationship skills which will help in all relationships, including parenting. It's an investment in your children as well to have a parent to role model them.

[kells76]

Hi Trying123;

Many members here, like Notwendy and myself, have also wondered "do I have BPD? Is it really me?"

As Notwendy mentions, we do what we learn from our FOOs (families of origin). If there were traits or behaviors modeled to us as "normal", we may do those things because we learned them, not necessarily because we're wired to do so.

It's also important to remember that there isn't a one-to-one correspondence between displaying one diagnostic criterion of BPD and having BPD. Many, many people have had days or weeks or months of "unstable identity" -- remember being a teenager? Or of making impulsive decisions, or wanting to harm oneself. Displaying some criteria at some times in life is just people having normal human lives. We all have "done something BPD" because it's not one trait or criterion on its own, out of context, that makes a person a pwBPD. It's a longer term thing -- worldview and perspective over time.

That being said, if you are concerned about it, asking a professional for assessment seems like a wise idea. Though, if you're the kind of person who can be open about your actions from the past, and can ask "Do I have BPD", then I am not really concerned that you have it, if that makes sense.

Whatever it was or is that was going on for you, you're making a wise decision to keep unpacking your motivations.

You're not alone in learning more about BPD and then wondering "was it me". Feel free to keep sharing as much as you need.

kells76

[waverider]

BPD is a Disorder, what that means its a bunch of behavioural characteristics that are significant enough to have an ongoing negative and dysfunctional effect on their life.

Many of these behaviours are common in many people for many reasons but are not compounding enough and consistent enough to having a disabling effect on their lives. These are standalone traits they do not amount to being diagnosed with a Disorder. Many of the traits you describe arise from insecurities and a need for validation, often linked with a undeveloped sense of empathy to fully realize how our actions affect others. These usually lesson with maturity and life experience for most people. pwBPD often retain these shortfalls their entire lives. In fact they can become even more entrenched as they are repeated victims of the consequences of acting in such ways

[Trying123]

Thanks for your replies.

I wish I could afford a therapist, unfortunately I can’t at this time. I do go to Al-anon meeting’s occasionally.

I think a lot of my current behavior is reactionary. My husband tells me a lot during fights though that I’m f’ed up too. I probably take that to heart too much. I’m definitely a perfectionist. I’m trying to be as emotionally healthy as possible, for myself and my children.

[Notwendy]

I found that 12 step Coda and ACA groups were helpful and they are at no cost to you ( sometimes they pass a basket for donations but that is voluntary- that money is used to purchase books or other helpful material on a borrow basis or to donate funds to the organization that lends us the space- there is no obligation to donate)

ACA is helpful for people raised in family dysfunction, not only about alcohol.

When your H  blames you, consider that projection is part of his disorder. What he says "about you" is more likely about him.

Still, partners can have their own issues to work on, it's just not necessarily BPD. Your own personal work is for you- it's an investment in yourself. You are not doing it based in your H's opinion of you but your own desire to look at your behaviors and what you might do better.

[waverider]

pwBPD can deliberately trigger you into dysfunctional reactions. This puts you into the same basket and hence "normalising" dysfunctional behaviour