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Author Topic: Hope or Folly?  (Read 932 times)
BlackDog99

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« on: March 20, 2023, 10:00:02 AM »

It's been two weeks since my life was flipped upside down. My wife is an alcoholic and uBPD (because she won't accept it). We have been married almost 8 years with 3 children, two under the age of 7. Over the past couple years things have really degraded for us. She was sober (after a stint in rehab) from March 2019 to June 2021. In summer 2021 she started drinking again. I learned of it and did nothing. The alcohol makes her actually flirty and to be honest, good in bed. Like a huge switch, from nothing to every day. I liked the change so I accepted the consequences. In Feb 2022 things were once again completely out of control. My therapist suggested she needed to get into more intensive therapy. We tried IOP but she just continued to drink uncontrollably. She entered a 30 day stint in rehab March of last year. I had little time to prepare and was just kinda left holding the bag with the kids. I ended up taking a leave of absence from my job (I am a small business owner) and hope that the rest of the team could carry my dead weight. Even when she came home I was still dealing with hours of time invested in healing, rebuilding our marriage and supporting her recovery (e.g. AA meetings)

I discovered she was drinking again in July 2022. I was angry. But for some reason I again turned into a co-conspirator. I thought I could monitor and control her drinking. (hint: you can't) So, as the story goes, life repeats itself. I lied for her again and helped cover it up. This time our 17 year old daughter found it and told the rest of the family. Everyone was livid and we were asked not to attend Thanksgiving because of my wife's antics. She started AA again; it didn't last 2 weeks. So, back to rehab she goes in December and misses all of Winter Break, Christmas, New Years, etc. She came home in the middle of January.

Two weeks ago my 17 y/o discovered bottles again. I had no clue. A family member came in the middle of the night, picked my wife off and took her to another family member's house. I have not spoken with her since. She is again off to rehab. At least 12 months this time I've been told. I am, again, left holding the bag. This time for a long long time. Of course, she always bails right before a school break, so I'm left in the middle of a crisis and having my kids out of school full time. Yay.

I've been through this cycle a lot. I am exhausted. I love her (so much) but I cannot continue this crazy dance (or Drama Triangle) any longer. Her drinking turns her into a zombie, she drinks from morning to night. She's never "there" and ignores all the kids' needs. I work from home, so after they are home from school she is on "countdown," asking when I will be done (to come rescue her of course from whatever is her pain of day). We almost split in 2019 before her (and I) went to rehab. I have anger issues which are amplified by my codependency. I'm still doing therapy work on controlling my anger. Having a pwBPD doesn't do a lot to help with that issue.

For years I was painted as the aggressor / abuser (after her behavior would trigger my codependency anger and rage). Now, I finally have the full love and support of her family. I am not the bad person she projected, I'm the rescuer that has been terrorized. Luckily for me, her family has a deep history of addition and recovery so they know and see the BPD issues as well (and not just the alcoholism).

The amount of time, energy and money invested into her addiction over the past year is just crushing me. I am the one that sits alone at night wondering, "How the PLEASE READ am I going to do this?" I have been reading material obsessively since she left on BPD and codependency. I barely sleep, I am up until 1 or 2am, reading books, reading forums like this, investing (admittedly) too much time and energy into this whole ordeal, but it's the only thing I can find any energy for right now. My wife has devalued, controlled and isolated every relationship I had coming into the marriage. I have been NC with my parents for 4 years. My sister will barely talk to me. I have a very small support system, no close friends, no family of origin support. I hired a full time nanny, but of course that takes money and puts more financial stress on me.

So, here's my plea.

I read over and over how pwBPD are hesitant into therapy / rehab. Obviously my wife isn't completely adverse to it. Seems she is actually happier there. However, what has been done in the past obviously isn't working. I do not even think she accepts that her true issue is BPD and not the alcoholism. The alcohol is there to cover up her pain. My therapist is pushing me to set aside thoughts and decisions about divorce for a few months, but it is so incredibly hard to do so. Divorce would be incredibly contentious as her selfishness and victim mode will be in full force. I know she's going to come after everything, including half my company (which I founded 4 years before I met her). She has not worked a single day since our marriage.

I've heard there are positive prognosis for pwBPD if they are dedicated to a lifetime of therapy and really address their behavior patterns. When she was sober (2019-2021) we had a really strong marriage. Through COVID lock downs and all, we really stayed strong. Other couples were envious of us. Now look where I am. We had issues then, a lot of intimacy issues, but it was much better than now. Do I hold out hope that with sobriety from alcohol and weekly DBT therapy things would be good again? Maybe better than good? Or is this folly? I don't want to give up or give in, but is there any reason now to keep fighting alone?  I genuinely want to do what is best for the kids. My life is already PLEASE READed, I need to make sure this doesn't continue to be generational trauma for them.

I need clarity. I know I need to be taking this time to focus on myself and my family, but I can't even focus on myself if I don't know where I am headed. Thoughts, experiences, guidance, advice, anything you think I should hear, I'm here to read them. I know I can't make a decision with my emotions, but I'm struggling to even get enough facts to make decisions with logic. I'm an engineer, so facts, logic, etc. are required for me to make an educated guess on what is best.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2023, 12:22:43 PM »

Welcome!  Tis a sad story you have, one not all that surprising here, and we will be glad to share our collective wisdom with you.

However, the reality is there's little you (or we) can do to incentivize her to deal better with her issues.  We weren't able to fix many of our disordered ones.  Fixing and improving generally rests upon the shoulders of the individual.  You've tried to support her but she keeps relapsing.  While a relapse is not unforgivable or even a disaster, a pattern of relapsing is concerning and just more trouble down the road.

Likely she will always have these issues or inclinations.  I think some have commented, once an alcoholic, probably always an alcoholic.  And if the person does stop drinking to excess or even better quits drinking, then the person is called a dry alcoholic.

While right now she seems the priority, the emergency, there is a better perspective.  Like you, she is an adult.  Like you, she is responsible for her actions and inactions.  So the reality is she is only "a" priority, one of several.  Currently she is facing her consequences, yet again.  The first priority is You.  Remember the standard airline announcement before every flight?   "In the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first."  You can't help anyone, not your children, not even your work obligations, if you've collapsed.  The second priority are your children.  They are impressionable minors.  They need you as an example of a reasonably normal parent doing reasonably normal parenting.  If their dysfunctional mother is away for a year - sad as it is - that's not a bad thing.  Can you bring some normalcy to your life and their lives while she is away?
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Couscous
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2023, 01:27:59 PM »

Excerpt
I've heard there are positive prognosis for pwBPD if they are dedicated to a lifetime of therapy and really address their behavior patterns.

According to several studies I have read, DBT does not alter their destructive interpersonal behavior patterns. It reduces things like self-harm and suicidality, but not their other problematic behaviors.

Have you tried Al-Anon, and worked the twelve steps with a sponsor? This could be quite beneficial for you.

I also really encourage you to consult with a divorce attorney as soon as possible, even if you are still undecided, so that you can begin taking steps to protect your assets. You’ve only been married 8 years so the financial damage really may not be as great as you might think.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2023, 01:56:57 PM by Couscous » Logged
Pook075
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2023, 01:55:08 PM »

Hi BlackDog!  So sorry you're going through this.  You're certainly not alone and I'm very glad you found us.

While I agree with what others have shared so far, you're getting a rare break that most of us don't have the benefit of enjoying.  That's a full year to build relationships with the kids and family, a full year to plan for the future while still being married, etc.  Use this time to your advantage and really think about what's best for you and the kids.

Should you divorce?  I have no idea because every situation is unique.  But I do know that you have a full year to restart your life and make an informed decision.  This is a blessing for you.
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Couscous
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2023, 05:12:41 PM »

Excerpt
A family member came in the middle of the night, picked my wife off and took her to another family member's house. I have not spoken with her since. She is again off to rehab. At least 12 months this time I've been told.

This is so strange. Why are her family members calling the shots or even involved in this situation at all? 
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BlackDog99

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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2023, 09:10:25 PM »

The first priority is You.  Remember the standard airline announcement before every flight?   "In the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first."  You can't help anyone, not your children, not even your work obligations, if you've collapsed.  The second priority are your children.  They are impressionable minors.  They need you as an example of a reasonably normal parent doing reasonably normal parenting.  If their dysfunctional mother is away for a year - sad as it is - that's not a bad thing.  Can you bring some normalcy to your life and their lives while she is away?

Thank you. I've been putting much more into them than myself. Collapsed is a word that hits home. Pretty sure I'm there still.
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BlackDog99

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2023, 09:14:47 PM »

Have you tried Al-Anon, and worked the twelve steps with a sponsor? This could be quite beneficial for you.

Yes, my oldest daughter and I have begun attending meetings together weekly. She shared this week, I was very proud of her. I have been to many AA, CODA, ACOA meetings over the years as I've worked on my own mental health journey. It works if you work it.

I also really encourage you to consult with a divorce attorney as soon as possible, even if you are still undecided, so that you can begin taking steps to protect your assets. You’ve only been married 8 years so the financial damage really may not be as great as you might think.

Thank you. I decided today to have a consultation. I am just looking at the real facts, pros, cons. Education phase my therapist called it.
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BlackDog99

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« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2023, 09:16:55 PM »

While I agree with what others have shared so far, you're getting a rare break that most of us don't have the benefit of enjoying.  That's a full year to build relationships with the kids and family, a full year to plan for the future while still being married, etc.  Use this time to your advantage and really think about what's best for you and the kids.

This is part of what makes decision making so hard. Who will I be in a year? Who will she be? Are their new selves compatible? I want so hard to find the answer to that question, but at the same time I know I am at a strategic advantage now that I may not have in a year.
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BlackDog99

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« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2023, 09:25:58 PM »

This is so strange. Why are her family members calling the shots or even involved in this situation at all? 

Well, since you need to know so badly:
1. Because that is who my 17 year old daughter felt safest to call when she discovered the bottles.
2. Because that family member is a recovering addict that works in the mental health industry now and is a licensed Interventionist, so she knows a thing or two about addiction, personality disorders and recovery.
3. Because these are the people, other than me, stuck picking up the pieces and sacrificing their lives to help me with the family she left behind.
4. Because of (3) they are part of the unified front we put up as a boundary last time, so everyone was on the same page of what would happen and why. We had a plan, the plan was known by my wife and we executed the plan. No unnecessary drama.

I guess that is strange? Seems pretty reasonable and healthy to me.
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Turkish
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« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2023, 09:49:03 PM »

If she's gone for a year, what contact will you have with her, and hers with the kids?

We most often see dual-diagnosis on the Parenting (of children with BPD) Board, and BPD is hard enough to deal with not including substance abuse. That your SIL recovered from addiction is hopeful, but was she Dx'd with anything else?
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Couscous
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« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2023, 12:14:26 AM »

Well, since you need to know so badly:
1. Because that is who my 17 year old daughter felt safest to call when she discovered the bottles.
2. Because that family member is a recovering addict that works in the mental health industry now and is a licensed Interventionist, so she knows a thing or two about addiction, personality disorders and recovery.
3. Because these are the people, other than me, stuck picking up the pieces and sacrificing their lives to help me with the family she left behind.
4. Because of (3) they are part of the unified front we put up as a boundary last time, so everyone was on the same page of what would happen and why. We had a plan, the plan was known by my wife and we executed the plan. No unnecessary drama.

I guess that is strange? Seems pretty reasonable and healthy to me.

Well that makes a lot more sense. The way you described it initially made it sound like you had no say in what was happening.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2023, 06:16:27 AM »



This time our 17 year old daughter found it and told the rest of the family. Everyone was livid and we were asked not to attend Thanksgiving because of my wife's antics.

Two weeks ago my 17 y/o discovered bottles again. I had no clue. A family member came in the middle of the night, picked my wife off and took her to another family member's house. I have not spoken with her since. She is again off to rehab. At least 12 months this time I've been told.


For years I was painted as the aggressor / abuser (after her behavior would trigger my codependency anger and rage). Now, I finally have the full love and support of her family. I am not the bad person she projected, I'm the rescuer that has been terrorized. Luckily for me, her family has a deep history of addition and recovery so they know and see the BPD issues as well (and not just the alcoholism).

The amount of time, energy and money invested into her addiction over the past year is just crushing me.
 My wife has devalued, controlled and isolated every relationship I had coming into the marriage. I have been NC with my parents for 4 years. My sister will barely talk to me. I have a very small support system, no close friends, no family of origin support. I hired a full time nanny, but of course that takes money and puts more financial stress on me.


 Divorce would be incredibly contentious as her selfishness and victim mode will be in full force. I know she's going to come after everything, including half my company (which I founded 4 years before I met her). She has not worked a single day since our marriage.

I genuinely want to do what is best for the kids. I need to make sure this doesn't continue to be generational trauma for them.



I've spent time in Coda and ACA groups and have a mother with BPD with her history of drinking. I think these groups are helpful but also have their limitations in that they are not professional mental health treatment for BPD.

My own personal thoughts about this ( having known people with alcohol addiction from these groups ) is that there are various reasons for people to have an addiction. With BPD, I think the foundation of the drinking is their emotional discomfort due to BPD. They may be able to get sober, but once sober, they have to face the feelings that led them to drink in the first place, and these feelings can be quite difficult for them which may be why your wife has difficulty staying sober. They may also seek out other behaviors/addictions to deal with them. I think 12 step groups are great for many situations and for family members of someone with BPD but they are probably not enough to address the BPD itself.

Your wife being in a facility for 12 months seems like an opportunity for you to work on your own issues, and also a respite from the drama for you and your kids. Your task is to shift focus to that. Consider that she is being taken care of- her needs are being met. It's the needs of you and the kids that have been put aside in your focus on her.

The 17 year old seems quite mature and likely has been parentified. This could be time for her to be able to be a teen ager, not the other adult in the home. If this is her senior year, consider that she's soon to be out of the nest and so this is the chance for you to give her some of your attention.

This is your opportunity to reconnect with yourself, your family, your kids and do the self care you need to be able to give your kids the best of yourself.


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BlackDog99

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« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2023, 08:06:54 AM »

With BPD, I think the foundation of the drinking is their emotional discomfort due to BPD. They may be able to get sober, but once sober, they have to face the feelings that led them to drink in the first place, and these feelings can be quite difficult for them which may be why your wife has difficulty staying sober.

This is how I feel, and I want to be supportive as I know this is a disease. But its so hard to trust that anything will be different this time. Or that even if she's sober the BPD will still go unattended. I just don't know if its possible.


This is your opportunity to reconnect with yourself, your family, your kids and do the self care you need to be able to give your kids the best of yourself.

Thank you for the perspective. I agree, the focus should be on me and the kids. In terms of my oldest, we are attending weekly Al-Anon meetings together. She shared this week, I was so proud of her. I asked her how she felt about her mom and I getting divorced (her mom is a biological parent, I adopted her after marriage). She said, "I don't know how you've lasted this long." It's very sad when you daughter says that. Even more sad when I have only been in her life 9 years, before that her mom was the only parent she had. And she still wants me to do that to her mom.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2023, 10:22:23 AM »

It might be a good idea to consult a few attorneys, as one may have experience with custody and parenting issues but not the legalities and strategies of how divorce impacts financial negotiations.  Much depends on your state's laws and how your local court usually handles such cases.

This raises the matter of what to share with your spouse.  Your legal team will have laws and rules limiting what they share and with whom.  The weak link is You.  Like us, you are probably a Nice Guy or Nice Gal and that 'nice' part of your personality could enable you to get sabotaged.  Always remember you have a right to keep legal consultations and any strategies you learn both private and confidential.  Doing so is not bad, not when sharing TMI could be used against you.  Of course sharing appropriate parenting information is okay but think twice or thrice about confiding too much.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2023, 01:52:28 PM »

In terms of my oldest, we are attending weekly Al-Anon meetings together. She shared this week, I was so proud of her. I asked her how she felt about her mom and I getting divorced (her mom is a biological parent, I adopted her after marriage). She said, "I don't know how you've lasted this long." It's very sad when you daughter says that. Even more sad when I have only been in her life 9 years, before that her mom was the only parent she had. And she still wants me to do that to her mom.

Reminds me of me at that age. I wonder what my father must have been thinking when I said things like that to him. On the other hand - I was also naive about relationships and the responsibilities that go along with being an adult and marriage and also the dynamics with BPD. The "why don't you divorce" question is far more complicated than I realized at that age and my views were from a teen perspective.

Yet, I was parentified and in ways felt more like the other adult in the home but it was not age appropriate. Neither was being expected to obey my mother and tolerate her behavior. I looked forward to graduating and going to college.
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Pook075
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« Reply #15 on: March 22, 2023, 07:41:48 AM »

This is part of what makes decision making so hard. Who will I be in a year? Who will she be? Are their new selves compatible? I want so hard to find the answer to that question, but at the same time I know I am at a strategic advantage now that I may not have in a year.

Fair questions.  Hopefully you realize though that you don't have to answer those questions today.  You have kids to worry about and your own life to live.  Focus on that.  If the marriage isn't there a year from now, so be it.  You have plenty of time though to think about what you want and what's best for the kids.
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