What did I just experience?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am at the tail end of what has been one of the most confusing and emotionally draining experiences I have ever had.  I am left wondering what happened and trying to understand where to go from here.  I watched my ex change in front of my eyes into a totally different person, and I am trying to not take things personally and understand that they are struggling, but I don’t know to help them and not get hurt myself in the process.

I have known B for almost a decade. We worked together and continued a close friendship even after job changes.  Throughout a 2 year period, we would maintain close contact for a few months at a time, but he would seem to fall off the face of the planet for weeks at time, and then pop back up like nothing had happened.  We had romantic interactions, although we were both in relationships at the time.  We both ended our relationships around the same time, and attempted a relationship together.  After a few weeks, he completely ghosted me and returned to his ex.  He had recently had a baby with her, and I figured that he was trying to do the right thing for his child.  A few months later, he reached back out to me, but I shut him down because I was exhausted by the back and forth.

Fast forward to 7 years later. I had had no contact whatsoever with B over the past 7 years. I was dealing with a struggling relationship with a partner who just went to prison and B randomly texted me.  He told me he was sorry for how he treated me in the past, said that he realized he had made a huge mistake, had always thought about me, was still in love with me, etc.  He told me that he had been doing a lot of work on himself over the time apart, therapy, treatment, AA, etc and that he wanted to give me the opportunity to heal because he knows he hurt me the first time around.  I ended up ending my relationship and immediately started a relationship with B. Not my best moment, but at the time I felt like this was a second chance at the one who got away.

At first, he was amazing.  He treated me like a princess, was in constant communication with me, wrote me flowery passages about our relationship and what I meant to him, talked about our future, etc.  After a month or so, he started acting completely differently.  He started missing work, and spending a bunch of money.  He stopped telling me that he loved me. He started behaving in ways that shady to me, like lying about text messages he got late at night and apps he had on his phone (like tinder and snapchat). He was talking constantly about suicide and darkness and the darkness within him and how there is nothing that will help him or change him or make him feel ok.  He called the suicide support line a few times but would not go in for treatment.  I learned that he had 3 previous suicide attempts in the past year. He ended up taking all the medications he had in his home in an attempt to OD but was unsuccessful.  I contacted his family, as this was still a fairly new relationship for me and I had no idea how to handle it.  His mother came in from out of town to stay with him. He told me that he thinks we need to put our relationship on pause because he had too much going on (the mental health struggles along with court/custody issues, etc) and I agreed.   

I was giving him space but after just a few days he contacted me telling me that it was “nice to know me,” and telling me that I was obviously done with the relationship and with him, and refused to have any kind of actual conversation and instead just continued with 1 word responses and then finally just “BYEEEE”.

I feel so manipulated by him and his actions, and completely heartbroken.  I am trying to understand how such a rapid and extreme change can happen to someone that seemed so together and loving at first.  I know he is struggling with mental health, with all the insight he gave me while suicidal.  I cannot let myself believe that he is really a cold hearted, manipulative and immature person, because I have seen so much good in him and from him, not just when we first started talking this time around, but in the years prior.  I have been searching for answers.  Maybe I just don’t want to accept reality, and maybe I am just looking for ways to make myself feel better about being discarded so easily after being so heavily pursued, but I watched this person that I loved become a completely different person right in front of my eyes.  I know that he has been diagnosed with MDD, but I felt like there may have been something bigger at work.  When I started looking into other mental health conditions, and I started reading symptoms and experiences with BPD, things are starting to make a lot more sense.

Where do I go from here? I love this person deeply but I feel as though I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with them.  All trust is gone, and going through the suicidal ideation and attempt completely emotional drained me.

[Noodlesoup]

I am at the tail end of what has been one of the most confusing and emotionally draining experiences I have ever had.  I am left wondering what happened and trying to understand where to go from here.  I watched my ex change in front of my eyes into a totally different person, and I am trying to not take things personally and understand that they are struggling, but I don’t know to help them and not get hurt myself in the process.

I have known B for almost a decade. We worked together and continued a close friendship even after job changes.  Throughout a 2 year period, we would maintain close contact for a few months at a time, but he would seem to fall off the face of the planet for weeks at time, and then pop back up like nothing had happened.  We had romantic interactions, although we were both in relationships at the time.  We both ended our relationships around the same time, and attempted a relationship together.  After a few weeks, he completely ghosted me and returned to his ex.  He had recently had a baby with her, and I figured that he was trying to do the right thing for his child.  A few months later, he reached back out to me, but I shut him down because I was exhausted by the back and forth.

Fast forward to 7 years later. I had had no contact whatsoever with B over the past 7 years. I was dealing with a struggling relationship with a partner who just went to prison and B randomly texted me.  He told me he was sorry for how he treated me in the past, said that he realized he had made a huge mistake, had always thought about me, was still in love with me, etc.  He told me that he had been doing a lot of work on himself over the time apart, therapy, treatment, AA, etc and that he wanted to give me the opportunity to heal because he knows he hurt me the first time around.  I ended up ending my relationship and immediately started a relationship with B. Not my best moment, but at the time I felt like this was a second chance at the one who got away.

At first, he was amazing.  He treated me like a princess, was in constant communication with me, wrote me flowery passages about our relationship and what I meant to him, talked about our future, etc.  After a month or so, he started acting completely differently.  He started missing work, and spending a bunch of money.  He stopped telling me that he loved me. He started behaving in ways that shady to me, like lying about text messages he got late at night and apps he had on his phone (like tinder and snapchat). He was talking constantly about suicide and darkness and the darkness within him and how there is nothing that will help him or change him or make him feel ok.  He called the suicide support line a few times but would not go in for treatment.  I learned that he had 3 previous suicide attempts in the past year. He ended up taking all the medications he had in his home in an attempt to OD but was unsuccessful.  I contacted his family, as this was still a fairly new relationship for me and I had no idea how to handle it.  His mother came in from out of town to stay with him. He told me that he thinks we need to put our relationship on pause because he had too much going on (the mental health struggles along with court/custody issues, etc) and I agreed.   

I was giving him space but after just a few days he contacted me telling me that it was “nice to know me,” and telling me that I was obviously done with the relationship and with him, and refused to have any kind of actual conversation and instead just continued with 1 word responses and then finally just “BYEEEE”.

I feel so manipulated by him and his actions, and completely heartbroken.  I am trying to understand how such a rapid and extreme change can happen to someone that seemed so together and loving at first.  I know he is struggling with mental health, with all the insight he gave me while suicidal.  I cannot let myself believe that he is really a cold hearted, manipulative and immature person, because I have seen so much good in him and from him, not just when we first started talking this time around, but in the years prior.  I have been searching for answers.  Maybe I just don’t want to accept reality, and maybe I am just looking for ways to make myself feel better about being discarded so easily after being so heavily pursued, but I watched this person that I loved become a completely different person right in front of my eyes.  I know that he has been diagnosed with MDD, but I felt like there may have been something bigger at work.  When I started looking into other mental health conditions, and I started reading symptoms and experiences with BPD, things are starting to make a lot more sense.

Where do I go from here? I love this person deeply but I feel as though I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with them.  All trust is gone, and going through the suicidal ideation and attempt completely emotional drained me.

[Pook075]

Hi Noodle.  I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  I'm fairly new here as well so I'll let some of the more seasoned members dig down deep into the advice stuff.

I did want to quickly respond to welcome you though and say that your story really resonated with me.  24 year marriage, mostly good, and then suddenly it was like a light switch was flipped- she just walked away.  And like you, I spent so much time trying to figure out what the heck happened. 

The best I could come up with was that as my pwBPD shut down, she began telling herself narratives about me over and over and over again, until the person I actually was didn't matter anymore.  All that was left in her mind was this horrible person she was married to, someone that hated her and was out to harm her mentally.  None of it was true, of course, but it was true to her and just like that, the marriage was over.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you've been through.  I can tell you that the path forward is not looking for closure or trying to figure out the "why", most of us never get that because it's the fantasies in the mind of an unstable person with BPD.  Instead, focus on yourself and work through the inevitable stages of finding yourself again and recovering.  This site has excellent resources to better understand BPD and it wouldn't hurt to see a counselor as well to talk out your feelings and emotions.

Of course, feel free to vent away here as well.  We all have frequently as we figure out the next chapter of our lives.  Good luck to you!

[Noodlesoup]

I spent most of the day yesterday researching BPD and discussing my situation with a close friend who has had some interactions with B themselves.  I must say that I am feeling so much better about the entire situation and the path forward from here.  I am working hard to remind myself that this is nothing I did wrong, or could even control.  Working to remind myself that I wasn't cruelly used or manipulated.  I am approaching the situation with compassion for the both of us.  We are currently no contact, and I know that is the best for both of us. I feel more at peace with this situation and relationship than I have in over a decade.

[Pook075]

I spent most of the day yesterday researching BPD and discussing my situation with a close friend who has had some interactions with B themselves.  I must say that I am feeling so much better about the entire situation and the path forward from here.  I am working hard to remind myself that this is nothing I did wrong, or could even control.  Working to remind myself that I wasn't cruelly used or manipulated.  I am approaching the situation with compassion for the both of us.  We are currently no contact, and I know that is the best for both of us. I feel more at peace with this situation and relationship than I have in over a decade.

Good for you- that's all good stuff and you're on the right path.  Just keep reminding yourself that this is not a "you-thing".  This is a "BPD-thing" and it would happen to anyone he's with in time. 

I also agree that compassion is the right mindset- in many ways, this is not his fault.  You'll probably reach phases where you hate him and that feels good for a bit, but ultimately it's unhealthy to live in that mental space.  It's okay though, you'll get through this in time and come out of it a better person.  Just know that the grieving stages are normal and they take time.