Im really struggling today...

[MN_Dude]

Ive been doing ok at times after my ex with ubpd left me a month ago. She went back to her "toxic" ex across the country to live in a van and work seasonally. I've been going back in forth in my head if she actually is mentally ill or was just using me as a rebound. But she has like 7 out of 9 of the symptoms so that is what I keep telling myself. I went through a lot with her and its hard to close that door when I still love her. She even told me that she loves ME during the breakup (over text) but had to do whats best for HER, which was to keep traveling BY HERSELF. Which was a total lie.

Today is hard. Today is my birthday. Ive never really had a special birthday with a special someone. She told me just a month ago she had plans to make today special for me. Well thats no longer the case. It sounds messed up but I wish she would text me today. Just something simple, but I know she probably forgot and has no way of knowing anymore as she has unfriended and unfollowed me on everything. It just all feels so empty and I cant shake this.

[SinisterComplex]

How about you still have a birthday with a special someone? That special someone...YOURSELF! Do something you want to do guilt free. Enjoy yourself and reward yourself...it is ok to do so.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Amina]

I've had a partner on and off for 3.5 years, and sometimes he shows up for holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays, and other times if I am split black at the time, will completely ignore me on my birthday, or for an art event, etc.  There have been times when he splits and and refuses to see me and suddenly he is texting that he is on his way over, or giving me gifts.  When I am split black by him I try to let him know that his is having black and white thinking, and also keep it in my mind that I cannot control it and indeed after getting to know him that without treatment, he cannot control it either at this point. It's like an alcoholic relapse.  I have spent many birthdays alone over the years because of partners addictions/mental illnesses.  Happy Birthday! I Understand what you are going through.

[MN_Dude]

I've had a partner on and off for 3.5 years, and sometimes he shows up for holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays, and other times if I am split black at the time, will completely ignore me on my birthday, or for an art event, etc.  There have been times when he splits and and refuses to see me and suddenly he is texting that he is on his way over, or giving me gifts.  When I am split black by him I try to let him know that his is having black and white thinking, and also keep it in my mind that I cannot control it and indeed after getting to know him that without treatment, he cannot control it either at this point. It's like an alcoholic relapse.  I have spent many birthdays alone over the years because of partners addictions/mental illnesses.  Happy Birthday! I Understand what you are going through.

Its more so her moving onto her ex so fricking fast which is really eating at me. She was soo attached to me. How can you just give that up at a moments notice and go back to the ex? Then I become nobody. Its so hard for me to know if its BPD or not, but im leaning towards it is. I mean it wasnt like she wasnt into me.

[OKrunch]

Its more so her moving onto her ex so fricking fast which is really eating at me. She was soo attached to me. How can you just give that up at a moments notice and go back to the ex? Then I become nobody. Its so hard for me to know if its BPD or not, but im leaning towards it is. I mean it wasnt like she wasnt into me.

That's how it is with splitting. It's mind shockingly confusing for the NON.
I still feel the immense connection with my ex. She was everything id ever wanted in a woman, but some of that was mirroring.
You aren't qualified to make the diagnosis, but at the end of the day if it looks like a duck...
It is LIKELY BECAUSE of the fast that you two were so close that she split.
Fear of Engulfment is a reaction I have seen and suffered the effects of a few times now.
Do you know what her childhood was like?
If she is used to the caretakers in her life leaving, anyone new that gets close will be assumed to be going to do the same eventually.
So, one day, things feel too close, the get scared, and bein pushing away. Be it with anger, fights, lying, cheating, ghosting or any cocktail of them. They will do things and cause arguments ahead of time to justify the narrative of leaving later (though not much later) down the road.
My ex was amazing with my son. She loves him, i have ZERO doubts of this. She is a LOVING PERSON, and a caring parent (when regulated) but both times she felt engulfment, and begant the process of distancing and devaluing, she did not diinclude my son. (who is 8)
The first breakup she "didn't feel a bond with him and he expects me to do everything for him"
The more recent breakup was "He is too clingy, and it makes me think of my little brother when my mom was abusive. It triggers me"

So, even an innocent child can be treated the same, and I repeat. She loves my son, and i know she still does, when she HAS THE MENTAL CAPACITY to do so.
When she is disregulated, she can barely surivive each day. Her own parenting faulters, the house gets messy, her car gets neglected.

So, Yes, she right now, is likely feeling the relief of having "escaped" potential pain, and hiding her feelings with her new/old relationship. Limerence is a hell of a drug.
Triangulation is a double dose. I guarentee you she knows full well its your birthday, and is expecting to hear from you because of it. Dont reach out.

This will fade, as all things do, and the cycle, like the weather, will rinse and repeat again.
They are pattern based people.

How long were the two of you together?
How long had she been single when you met, or was she "transitioning" out of things with her ex, into you?
what 7 of 9 symptoms are you referring to?

[MN_Dude]

That's how it is with splitting. It's mind shockingly confusing for the NON.
I still feel the immense connection with my ex. She was everything id ever wanted in a woman, but some of that was mirroring.
You aren't qualified to make the diagnosis, but at the end of the day if it looks like a duck...
It is LIKELY BECAUSE of the fast that you two were so close that she split.
Fear of Engulfment is a reaction I have seen and suffered the effects of a few times now.
Do you know what her childhood was like?
If she is used to the caretakers in her life leaving, anyone new that gets close will be assumed to be going to do the same eventually.
So, one day, things feel too close, the get scared, and bein pushing away. Be it with anger, fights, lying, cheating, ghosting or any cocktail of them. They will do things and cause arguments ahead of time to justify the narrative of leaving later (though not much later) down the road.
My ex was amazing with my son. She loves him, i have ZERO doubts of this. She is a LOVING PERSON, and a caring parent (when regulated) but both times she felt engulfment, and begant the process of distancing and devaluing, she did not diinclude my son. (who is 8)
The first breakup she "didn't feel a bond with him and he expects me to do everything for him"
The more recent breakup was "He is too clingy, and it makes me think of my little brother when my mom was abusive. It triggers me"

So, even an innocent child can be treated the same, and I repeat. She loves my son, and i know she still does, when she HAS THE MENTAL CAPACITY to do so.
When she is disregulated, she can barely surivive each day. Her own parenting faulters, the house gets messy, her car gets neglected.

So, Yes, she right now, is likely feeling the relief of having "escaped" potential pain, and hiding her feelings with her new/old relationship. Limerence is a hell of a drug.
Triangulation is a double dose. I guarentee you she knows full well its your birthday, and is expecting to hear from you because of it. Dont reach out.

This will fade, as all things do, and the cycle, like the weather, will rinse and repeat again.
They are pattern based people.

How long were the two of you together?
How long had she been single when you met, or was she "transitioning" out of things with her ex, into you?
what 7 of 9 symptoms are you referring to?

Oh yeah I would never reach out because its MY birthday haha. I really honestly don't care but it is nice to walk through special days with people.

I know her childhood was different than mine. She had divorced parents, and a father who had anger issues, and a stepdad who was mean to her. But I have 0 doubt shes a loving person. Otherwise I wouldnt have stuck it out. I have abandonment issues but not THAT bad where I would stay with someone who really didnt seem into me.

We were together for about 5 months. Her and her ex had been broken up for about 2 years. These are the symptoms she had.. I have storys for every single one of them but wont bore you with that.
 Fear of abandonment
Unstable relationships
Unclear or shifting self-image
Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors
Self-harm Threats
Extreme emotional swings
Chronic feelings of emptiness

Again, shes not a bad person. Im not stupid, which is why its so hard to let go. The only reason I got is that she wanted to keep working seasonally and doing van life and we were "different people" even tho I know thats not the case because she had hopes and dreams of settling down that she threw out the window. I know her ex does the same thing. The vanlife seasonal thing. Well see how that works out cause I know it wont. Either way it just kills me that the ex gets to enjoy the girl who was once my best friend and someone I did everything with.

[OKrunch]

They are of the Fae realm my friend, Beautiful, fleeting, remorseless, elemental and chaotic.

Its natural to be jealous and angry, i know this all too well. My ex is 10min down the road, in the house I found, that we shared for years, with the dogs we got together. I lose all of this. I have been living in a camper for 6 months. We were engaged, but weve split before. I shouldve known better.

Don't let your ego drive you mad. Yes, someone else is in that spot right now, but as i said. Fleeting, Chaotic.

Easier to touch the dancing flame, easier to bottle a darting shadow, than to hold them too close for too long.

[BigEasyHeart]

She even told me that she loves ME during the breakup (over text) but had to do whats best for HER, which was to keep traveling BY HERSELF.

@MN_Dude, this is almost word for word the same text I got during my breakup (minus the traveling part). It's really bizarre to me how the same language shows up again and again in these stories.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I'm still going through the process myself but am definitely better than I was at the beginning. So, you may not see it yet, but there is light at the end of this tunnel. Hang in there Dude!

[Amina]

Yes, I have been betrayed and cheated on by non-BPD partners, but a BPD suddenly being with someone else/splitting on you with someone else right after a great, loving time, is a completely different thing.  It is quite shocking, if it is even real-- often they make up that they have been with someone they haven't or aren't even really attracted to. I also know that some that are splitting (without the presence of NPD) are probably deeply scared and confused about why they suddenly "changed their mind and can't change it back." 

[SinisterComplex]

Its more so her moving onto her ex so fricking fast which is really eating at me. She was soo attached to me. How can you just give that up at a moments notice and go back to the ex? Then I become nobody. Its so hard for me to know if its BPD or not, but im leaning towards it is. I mean it wasnt like she wasnt into me.

Do not try to understand this or comprehend this. You cannot nor will you ever be able to. You are neurotypical. She is disordered. Different realities. Her mind is literally wired physically different to yours. The part you have to tell yourself is that it is not your fault and you did nothing wrong. Be kind to you. Yes it sucks my friend, but you are going to be ok. Just truly take it easy on yourself and cut yourself some slack. This is not something new this is textbook typical so you are in the right spot. No reason to try to label it. All you need to realize is that it is disordered behavior.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Couscous]

How can you just give that up at a moments notice and go back to the ex?

Because she wasn’t attached to you. Sure, she may have behaved as if she was, and said the right words, but it wasn’t genuine.  

You see, BPD (in females) might in fact be a manifestation of psychopathy in females, and as a rule, psychopaths do not form attachments.

This seems to describe her behavior:

Individuals with psychopathic tendencies generally engage in callous and manipulative behavior toward the exploitation of others and exhibit a wide spectrum of antisocial and impulsive behaviors.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3323706/

[MN_Dude]

@MN_Dude, this is almost word for word the same text I got during my breakup (minus the traveling part). It's really bizarre to me how the same language shows up again and again in these stories.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I'm still going through the process myself but am definitely better than I was at the beginning. So, you may not see it yet, but there is light at the end of this tunnel. Hang in there Dude!

Its crazy isnt it? Like if she really loved me why would she mentally torture me. I have good days and bad. Today was bad. We talked about what we would do today a month ago and now shes gone. She said it would be different if I were able to travel with her but I cannot at this point in time. The ex is able to do that. I hope he gets dumped too.