Major success with my neighbor, but god was it terrifying and a ton of work

[Depression = 72% of members]

Bare with me as this is a long one.

Well, things have been super stressful, but I think I am ready to relax more and connect to the community
(and maybe other communities), since I've done everything that I can to put the boundaries in place, to feel safe in my home and in my yard.

So, first I saw my neighbor, when I was out with my dog, and I felt super scared of her, and I went inside, and it felt so disempowering, that I resolved to confront her about it soon, as I'd been dealing with her, by ignoring her, which kind of worked, but she still bothered me, and it felt like tension was building, and I was sick of her interrupting my conversations with the other neighbor, and bothering me, when I didn't want to talk to her. So I went and I finished writing my letter to her.

It gave her the smack down, called her out for all her abuse of me, and abuse of animals to control me, how because of how she has done these things to control me, she is not the type of person I want as a friend, and I told her my rights to space as a neighbor, my right to choose my friends, and my expectations of her asking before she talks to me, because it shows respect, keeping it short and to the point to minimize my interactions with her, and only when necessary. How I'd shoo her cats out of my yard, including the one I was close to, because I won't her held over my head (breaks my heart to cut her off, she's so sweet, but it's best for her safety, and it's absolutely necessary for me), and also how I want her to shoo my cat away without hurting him and going crazy on him. Told her that I have a right to know my cat is safe, how I'd call the cops on her for animal abuse, or harassment if I had to, and how all in all its about knowing that I deserve better.  
Anyways, I went to give it to her, fretted a lot, and mowed the fence line, which was over growing because of my issues, this empowered her to flip out on her cats (because she considered it a gift, as it was affecting her), and I thought maybe she would hurt the cat of hers that I liked, so I just resolved to do it and had a lot of conflict before putting the bag of her Christmas presents that I never opened, and the letter in it. (which was also how I used to give her gifts), so it was a bit of a satisfying snub, which I definitely enjoyed, but most of the letter was direct and dispassionate. I went to my door, because I was scared, called to her as she was leaving, pointed at the bag, and said "These are my expectations as a neighbor, and your Christmas presents)" God, this was HARD, scary as hell. But it took a crapload of courage, because she's crazy as hell.

And what ensued was her getting in a fight with her boyfriend, looking absolutely horrified, and charging off with a shovel to the neighbor down the road. She was getting supply and playing the victim. Which validated me further, and I couldn't help but laugh, and feel satisfied at finally sticking up for myself. The next day, she's out there, harassing the neighbor to  my right, which she could have complained about me to, as it's awkward with him, but it's also more likely that she harassed him, to try to force help onto him. She also had another guy working at her house.

But the hardest part was the guy across the back alley at the car shop, he was out back, looking at me, laughing, looking smug, and obviously judging me. I felt intense shame, and it felt like I was gonna die and I said "No, what am I ashamed of? Being out in my own yard! Give me a break! So I took my dog out, my cat snuck out during the day, which I don't like as we live near a busy road. And it was a huge overwhelming mess, I was a nervous wreck, but I stood my ground for a while, focusing on my pets, and having anxiety, taking in the situation, periodically having those guys across the way laughing and judging me, and looking smug. It's hard to have enough conviction, to just face that down, but I did for a bit, but I am not gonna lie, it took a while to process, because I had to understand that the guy was manipulated and just got a cancer diagnosis, to realize it's not personal. Still a bit scared of him beating me up, because he beat up one guy, but I've had some periodic interactions with him, so I'm not absolutely terrified of it. Another thing I did was I REALLY wanted to chase after my cat, because I was scared, but I stopped controlling him, because he was anxious, and let him come in, in his own time. (was so hard not to control hardly anything in this situation. Also awkwardly talked to my neighbor to the right and he acted like he was using his phone. (could have been because of her smearing me, but also could have been because she just bombarded him). The whole thing took a few days to process, because it was hard to make it less personal with my neighbors, to laugh at the insanity of her behavior, as she seemed more frantic than ever, and to understand my own feelings and the other peoples issues, enough to make it not personal, so that I wasn't feeling shame. And to not beat myself up for being so neurotic with the pets.

I'm gonna be honest, I am proud as hell of myself, the amount of courage this took was enormous, and probably the bravest thing I've done in my life. Also, I noticed one of her young "badass" boy toys (that she cheats on her boyfriend with) coming to her house that night, which inspired me to write a second letter, as I got scared she'd get him to hurt me, even kill me, as I'd watched stories about that, and I wanted to smooth things over without compromising myself, by saying how her relationships with others are none of my business, unless I have to make it my business, to protect my interests, and how we should moderate the situation, to prevent it from becoming a pissing match. Also told her my mistakes and how I am actually trying to control her less, except under extreme circumstances, due to my own rights, my animals rights, or in some cases her animals rights are being violated. And that I'd offer her that same respect I am expecting. As I told her some considerate, yet reasonable things I'd do as a neighbor, and also that I'd ask to talk to her.

This was to ease her mind a bit, that I wasn't going to get everyone against her, and to allow me to deal with each person individually, without having to make it a fight, and also to ease her mind that I wasn't going to hyper control her, because at one point I was really anal to her about certain things about animals, even upset that she killed rats and bugs, which I now find totally impractical, and is not how I do things myself now. I was more of an idealist back then, now I am much more reasonable as my codependency has decreased.

All in all, this allowed me to feel safe enough to relax more, and that night I was walking and saw her, and asked her to talk, and told her I am not trying to fight with her, and she said "I dunno what I ever did to you, but I'll leave you alone" and I walked in the yard laughing, feeling so validated by it all, and rolling my eyes thinking "Give me a break lady, and going over the gist of the crap she did, and laughing but my Dad gaslit me about it, as I told him about it, and I was satisfied that she moved her cars off my fence line and moved her garbage far from my area, as she used it to dominate me, by getting in front of our gate, so it was hard to get out, and blocking our garbage cans on garbage day, and it felt like she respected my boundaries.

So I had a conversation with my Dad this morning about it, and called him out, talked to him about his own confidence and depression issues (because he brought them up and I had some wisdom about it), but I was mature, direct and sat across from him, and I was calm because I dealt with it promptly, which I find that sometimes is the best thing to allow a mature response, because you don't let it fester into resentment and anxiety. I set 3 boundaries, one to not make it all about him, when I was getting screwed, and the other when he refused to admit to the gaslighting, and then I came back, tried again, with something mundane that he did, so it didn't hurt me, and then told him "You won't admit it", and ended the conversation.

I'm getting SO good at this, but I'm super upset and disappointed about some other things that have been neglected because of it, but I can rest easier and connect to the community now, and deal with things on the fly, since I am more confident in my ability to set boundaries and defend myself, even if I start being a crying mess around the house or yard. Also want to not depend just on my counselor, as it's devastating to me when things don't work out with him, because he's been my only lifeline, and I know it's not healthy to depend on just one other person for support, that's part of what got me into this mess.

The lessons part, and the strengths and the needs part will have to come later, as this has been a LONG one already.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Bare with me as this is a long one.

Well, things have been super stressful, but I think I am ready to relax more and connect to the community
(and maybe other communities), since I've done everything that I can to put the boundaries in place, to feel safe in my home and in my yard.

So, first I saw my neighbor, when I was out with my dog, and I felt super scared of her, and I went inside, and it felt so disempowering, that I resolved to confront her about it soon, as I'd been dealing with her, by ignoring her, which kind of worked, but she still bothered me, and it felt like tension was building, and I was sick of her interrupting my conversations with the other neighbor, and bothering me, when I didn't want to talk to her. So I went and I finished writing my letter to her.

It gave her the smack down, called her out for all her abuse of me, and abuse of animals to control me, how because of how she has done these things to control me, she is not the type of person I want as a friend, and I told her my rights to space as a neighbor, my right to choose my friends, and my expectations of her asking before she talks to me, because it shows respect, keeping it short and to the point to minimize my interactions with her, and only when necessary. How I'd shoo her cats out of my yard, including the one I was close to, because I won't her held over my head (breaks my heart to cut her off, she's so sweet, but it's best for her safety, and it's absolutely necessary for me), and also how I want her to shoo my cat away without hurting him and going crazy on him. Told her that I have a right to know my cat is safe, how I'd call the cops on her for animal abuse, or harassment if I had to, and how all in all its about knowing that I deserve better.  
Anyways, I went to give it to her, fretted a lot, and mowed the fence line, which was over growing because of my issues, this empowered her to flip out on her cats (because she considered it a gift, as it was affecting her), and I thought maybe she would hurt the cat of hers that I liked, so I just resolved to do it and had a lot of conflict before putting the bag of her Christmas presents that I never opened, and the letter in it. (which was also how I used to give her gifts), so it was a bit of a satisfying snub, which I definitely enjoyed, but most of the letter was direct and dispassionate. I went to my door, because I was scared, called to her as she was leaving, pointed at the bag, and said "These are my expectations as a neighbor, and your Christmas presents)" God, this was HARD, scary as hell. But it took a crapload of courage, because she's crazy as hell.

And what ensued was her getting in a fight with her boyfriend, looking absolutely horrified, and charging off with a shovel to the neighbor down the road. She was getting supply and playing the victim. Which validated me further, and I couldn't help but laugh, and feel satisfied at finally sticking up for myself. The next day, she's out there, harassing the neighbor to  my right, which she could have complained about me to, as it's awkward with him, but it's also more likely that she harassed him, to try to force help onto him. She also had another guy working at her house.

But the hardest part was the guy across the back alley at the car shop, he was out back, looking at me, laughing, looking smug, and obviously judging me. I felt intense shame, and it felt like I was gonna die and I said "No, what am I ashamed of? Being out in my own yard! Give me a break! So I took my dog out, my cat snuck out during the day, which I don't like as we live near a busy road. And it was a huge overwhelming mess, I was a nervous wreck, but I stood my ground for a while, focusing on my pets, and having anxiety, taking in the situation, periodically having those guys across the way laughing and judging me, and looking smug. It's hard to have enough conviction, to just face that down, but I did for a bit, but I am not gonna lie, it took a while to process, because I had to understand that the guy was manipulated and just got a cancer diagnosis, to realize it's not personal. Still a bit scared of him beating me up, because he beat up one guy, but I've had some periodic interactions with him, so I'm not absolutely terrified of it. Another thing I did was I REALLY wanted to chase after my cat, because I was scared, but I stopped controlling him, because he was anxious, and let him come in, in his own time. (was so hard not to control hardly anything in this situation. Also awkwardly talked to my neighbor to the right and he acted like he was using his phone. (could have been because of her smearing me, but also could have been because she just bombarded him). The whole thing took a few days to process, because it was hard to make it less personal with my neighbors, to laugh at the insanity of her behavior, as she seemed more frantic than ever, and to understand my own feelings and the other peoples issues, enough to make it not personal, so that I wasn't feeling shame. And to not beat myself up for being so neurotic with the pets.

I'm gonna be honest, I am proud as hell of myself, the amount of courage this took was enormous, and probably the bravest thing I've done in my life. Also, I noticed one of her young "badass" boy toys (that she cheats on her boyfriend with) coming to her house that night, which inspired me to write a second letter, as I got scared she'd get him to hurt me, even kill me, as I'd watched stories about that, and I wanted to smooth things over without compromising myself, by saying how her relationships with others are none of my business, unless I have to make it my business, to protect my interests, and how we should moderate the situation, to prevent it from becoming a pissing match. Also told her my mistakes and how I am actually trying to control her less, except under extreme circumstances, due to my own rights, my animals rights, or in some cases her animals rights are being violated. And that I'd offer her that same respect I am expecting. As I told her some considerate, yet reasonable things I'd do as a neighbor, and also that I'd ask to talk to her.

This was to ease her mind a bit, that I wasn't going to get everyone against her, and to allow me to deal with each person individually, without having to make it a fight, and also to ease her mind that I wasn't going to hyper control her, because at one point I was really anal to her about certain things about animals, even upset that she killed rats and bugs, which I now find totally impractical, and is not how I do things myself now. I was more of an idealist back then, now I am much more reasonable as my codependency has decreased.

All in all, this allowed me to feel safe enough to relax more, and that night I was walking and saw her, and asked her to talk, and told her I am not trying to fight with her, and she said "I dunno what I ever did to you, but I'll leave you alone" and I walked in the yard laughing, feeling so validated by it all, and rolling my eyes thinking "Give me a break lady, and going over the gist of the crap she did, and laughing but my Dad gaslit me about it, as I told him about it, and I was satisfied that she moved her cars off my fence line and moved her garbage far from my area, as she used it to dominate me, by getting in front of our gate, so it was hard to get out, and blocking our garbage cans on garbage day, and it felt like she respected my boundaries.

So I had a conversation with my Dad this morning about it, and called him out, talked to him about his own confidence and depression issues (because he brought them up and I had some wisdom about it), but I was mature, direct and sat across from him, and I was calm because I dealt with it promptly, which I find that sometimes is the best thing to allow a mature response, because you don't let it fester into resentment and anxiety. I set 3 boundaries, one to not make it all about him, when I was getting screwed, and the other when he refused to admit to the gaslighting, and then I came back, tried again, with something mundane that he did, so it didn't hurt me, and then told him "You won't admit it", and ended the conversation.

I'm getting SO good at this, but I'm super upset and disappointed about some other things that have been neglected because of it, but I can rest easier and connect to the community now, and deal with things on the fly, since I am more confident in my ability to set boundaries and defend myself, even if I start being a crying mess around the house or yard. Also want to not depend just on my counselor, as it's devastating to me when things don't work out with him, because he's been my only lifeline, and I know it's not healthy to depend on just one other person for support, that's part of what got me into this mess.

The lessons part, and the strengths and the needs part will have to come later, as this has been a LONG one already.