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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: How to survive the 'anti parent's' smear campaign to professionals?  (Read 228 times)
Penser

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: March 22, 2023, 04:04:34 AM »

Hi all,
I crave time in understanding community but my kids dad is literally 2 Full time jobs, I am EXHAUSTED and seldom have time to bathe let alone post!

Brief involvement with BPD six years ago, resulting in my darling kid.  To my deep regret I told the BPD about my pregnancy.

His disinterest and escalating abuse in pregnancy (when I left) became a campaign of hateful, unbearable obsession.

He used the broken family court system to relentlessly lord power and control.  Each and every Judge more sadistic than the last.  9 Hearings, $30,000.  Constantly given more and more contact Judges constantly playing into his hand shouting we "NEED TO COMMUNICATE MUCH MORE!"

Fast-forward a VERY HARD 5 years, the police have constantly taken the "you're both as bad as each other approach" (NO, we are nothing like each other).  As in spite of sometime 12 pages of vitriolic harassing letters  his occasional references to kiddo satisfy the clueless  that "it's just about child contact". 

Even when it seems the penny is dropping for once, (eg with the police) BPD has been able to cherry pick police officers to run to afterwards, turn on the crocodile tears and vilify me and they literally retract everything they've said (eg they had advised 3rd party contact and are now happy to not go with this as ofcourse BPD does not approve of the 3rd party as never approves of anything or anyone, wanting direct access to me).

2 years ago I raised a safeguarding concern about kid with social work, I was completely dimissed and told we had "different parenting styles".    Magistrate mum and my own lawyer said no point in taking it to court as by not acting, social work had weakened my position, disregarding my concern.

It now transpires BPD has engaged with social work for years complaining about my (healthy) diet and earlier breastfeeding.  Nuts, I know.. but shows the entitled lust for control of everything about me and my mothering.

A few weeks back kid came back with a bad bruise (this may well be innocent) but I asked BPD about it.  BPD 2 days later reports ME to social work!

When they got 'involved' I chose to revisit my initial safeguarding concern (in the interim I'd reported it to health repeatedly), tried to give kid lessons on boundaries, and asked BPD to confirm it didn't happen anymore.

With this he has run off crying to everyone - police, social work (that I am alleging something I haven't alleged) - I have alleged concern, consistently, but not what he is saying I've said.   Every agency is buying his crap.

Social work will be visiting - they have been utterly appalling, contemptuous tone, treating me like a time-waster with a sinister motive - and have clearly set the bulldog ones on me.

I am VERY scared I will be painted as the alienater and BPD ultimately granted 50 percent, his constant obsession, until it shifts again.

I find myself questioning what I said (thank God a sane friend has witnessed what I have said).

I have had a lifetime of cluster B abuse from a multitude of sources, but that the very people who are supposed to be there to protect are buying into the utter madness is so disturbing, distressing and blood boiling.

I am foaming with the relentless injustice.

I have found myself shouting to police "why can't you see it?"

Very frightened they will keep buying his crap with dire consequences for me and kid.
I jump a mile in the air when the phone goes. 

I have spared explicit details and loads of the story for obvious reasons but if anyone can offer any tips or hope I would be beyond grateful.

It is a very scary and lonely nightmare.

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EZEarache
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 240


« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2023, 09:58:20 AM »

I'm sorry you have had to endure this for five years.

With this he has run off crying to everyone - police, social work (that I am alleging something I haven't alleged) - I have alleged concern, consistently, but not what he is saying I've said.   Every agency is buying his crap.

Social work will be visiting - they have been utterly appalling, contemptuous tone, treating me like a time-waster with a sinister motive - and have clearly set the bulldog ones on me.

I am VERY scared I will be painted as the alienater and BPD ultimately granted 50 percent, his constant obsession, until it shifts again.

I find myself questioning what I said (thank God a sane friend has witnessed what I have said).

High conflict personalities are quite adept at using the legal system to their advantage.

I have had a lifetime of cluster B abuse from a multitude of sources, but that the very people who are supposed to be there to protect are buying into the utter madness is so disturbing, distressing and blood boiling.

I am foaming with the relentless injustice.

I have found myself shouting to police "why can't you see it?"

When you shout at the police you are falling into the BPD's trap. The BPD's goal is to subconsciously vindicate their own behavior by making you act even more poorly than they do. 

I actually made this very same mistake with police, when things came to a head in my relationship. I ended up being the one taken to a mental hospital in handcuffs. I was discharged the same day, but I had PTSD from the experience for about a year and a half. After a lot of work on myself, I am able to maintain composure in difficult situations with my high conflict ex. I recommend reading the book BIFF. It will help you in your interactions with your ex. It will also help you in your other personal and professional experiences. This was my first step to improve dynamics with my ex. However, I use the skills I learned in this book navigating difficult colleagues, as well.

Very frightened they will keep buying his crap with dire consequences for me and kid.
I jump a mile in the air when the phone goes. 

I have spared explicit details and loads of the story for obvious reasons but if anyone can offer any tips or hope I would be beyond grateful.

It is a very scary and lonely nightmare.

A couple more suggestions.

I also recommend getting a trained therapist to help guide you through all of this if you don't have one already. One that specializes in divorce or family therapy would be best.

Are you familiar with the field of play therapy for your five year old? A play therapist might be able to document behavior and statements that indicate abuse. The play therapist will want to meet and establish a relationship with both parents, even when you are co-parenting in parallel.  It sounds like your BPDex totally has the mindset of, "not being the one with the problem." I experienced this first hand as well. This may make it easier to get them onboard with play therapy if you position the proposition correctly. Maybe identify a play therapist you want to work with and talk to them about how to get the father onboard, first.

I hope this helps. I know you don't have much time. We all don't, but you will definitely need to put a lot of time into self care, as well. This can be the hardest part from my experience. It forces us to look at our own flaws and make improvements.
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