Child with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I’ve been reading these posts, relieved to have found this site. My twenty year old son was admitted to a selective college program after working very hard in high school for good grades, etc. He got straight A’s during his freshman year in college, worked a paying job on campus and volunteered at a hospital. My husband and I tried to convince him to dial it back, have fun, no need for straight A’s, etc.

 He began with panic attacks (in denial about his anxiety) which morphed into major depression his first semester sophomore year. He dropped out of college and has attempted suicide three times this year. Subsequent to this BPD diagnosis, my husband and I are reflecting on the symptoms he displayed through his teen years, knowing that his ADHD contributed to his challenges, but also not fully understanding why he struggled in ways not explained by ADHD.

My son is treatment resistant thus far. He won’t engage in group dialectical behavioral therapy. We can’t find a counselor in the Denver area who works one-on-one with those displaying BPD. Finding a therapist has become my full-time job, and I’m learning about the stigma of this disorder within the mental health community. I’m so disheartened that so many providers don’t accept insurance. I feel these BPD folks are very marginalized within the mental health community. I understand the arguments (liability, etc) still, it’s not okay.

As a devoted mom, I’m not doing great. The lack of mental health support for my son is wearing on me. There seems to be no answers, no progress, no clear path forward. I live in fear that he will self harm again. How does one live with this disease? I understand the data strongly suggest that he will go into remission at some point, but what happens in the meantime? How do you cope as a hostage to the threat of self harm?

Thanks for reading this far and thanks for your insight.

[InTheWilderness]

Hi, I’ve been reading these posts, relieved to have found this site. My twenty year old son was admitted to a selective college program after working very hard in high school for good grades, etc. He got straight A’s during his freshman year in college, worked a paying job on campus and volunteered at a hospital. My husband and I tried to convince him to dial it back, have fun, no need for straight A’s, etc.

 He began with panic attacks (in denial about his anxiety) which morphed into major depression his first semester sophomore year. He dropped out of college and has attempted suicide three times this year. Subsequent to this BPD diagnosis, my husband and I are reflecting on the symptoms he displayed through his teen years, knowing that his ADHD contributed to his challenges, but also not fully understanding why he struggled in ways not explained by ADHD.

My son is treatment resistant thus far. He won’t engage in group dialectical behavioral therapy. We can’t find a counselor in the Denver area who works one-on-one with those displaying BPD. Finding a therapist has become my full-time job, and I’m learning about the stigma of this disorder within the mental health community. I’m so disheartened that so many providers don’t accept insurance. I feel these BPD folks are very marginalized within the mental health community. I understand the arguments (liability, etc) still, it’s not okay.

As a devoted mom, I’m not doing great. The lack of mental health support for my son is wearing on me. There seems to be no answers, no progress, no clear path forward. I live in fear that he will self harm again. How does one live with this disease? I understand the data strongly suggest that he will go into remission at some point, but what happens in the meantime? How do you cope as a hostage to the threat of self harm?

Thanks for reading this far and thanks for your insight.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi InTheWilderness. Glad that you have found this site - I remember the relief I felt when I found it and realised there were other people in the world who understood what I was going through.

You are under enormous stress - living wondering if your ds will make another attempt, trying to find a support that he will accept, and just the amount of energy required to support a bpd loved child can be absolutely exhausting in every way.

You say your son is resistant - is he also resistant to medication? Sometimes with co-morbidities (eg perhaps bpd and depression) if you can address one, then it is easier to tackle the other.

The unfortunate thing is that unless someone is a threat to themselves or others, we can't do much to get them to take up opportunities for support. The powerlessness of the person trying to help is unbearable at times.

Coming to this site has been my lifeline. Over time I changed thanks to reading these posts. I still tried to do everything I possibly could to support dd, but I had to 'let go' of that sense of responsibility I had to 'fix it'.

I would often get dd to agree to an appointment with someone, then when it came to the time, she didn't want to go or didn't turn up. As I say it was a gradual letting go for me.

Are there any ways that you can care for yourself during this time? Counselling or some time - however short - on a regular basis to help renew your energy?

Your son has your love and support on this journey and you are doing/have done everything that you can. It is important to have ways to keep nourishing yourself so that you can continue to support him. If the tank is empty then we can really struggle to cope.

[InTheWilderness]

Thank you, Sancho, for your reply. Yes, a gradual letting go is necessary. I hope we get there, my son and I. He has currently decided that he is mentally well after going off his antidepressant. He has said no to taking a mood stabilizer. I think he needs more evidence that this disorder doesn’t spontaneously resolve before he will engage in his recovery.

We live several time zones apart but I have temporarily relocated to his city. Once I leave, which I will have to do, I fear he will be in crisis again. He refuses to come home with me. In his worst moments, he has said I will be to blame if he completes suicide because I will have abandoned him. I realize this is the disorder talking. Still, I am terrified he’ll self harm once I leave. I suppose this is the self care you referred to. I can’t stay healthy for him if I give myself over to anxiety.

The boundary between (adult) child and parent become very confusing with this disorder. He wants my support but he wants independence. He wants me to help manage his life, but he wants me to back off. In the end, if he does complete suicide, I know I will question whether I did enough, whether I could have done something different, whether I was being selfish for leaving. It’s crazy making.

I welcome your advice.

[Sancho]

You have hit the nail on the head when you say 'It is cra zy making'. I have been thinking over how true this is and trying to work out why.

I think it is because bpd is driven by emotion - the key one being 'abandonment', anger another. We all have these emotions, but can turn to our rational thought to guide us in dealing with them.

We feel cornered by our BPD child's inability to let us help them out of the turmoil of these deep emotions. The other part of bpd is that someone becomes the focus of blame for why they feel like they do, why things go wrong etc.

If you are the focus of blame then your own emotions are deeply stirred, because no one wants to have caused the pain of a loved child which of course is not the case (I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it).

To hear that if ds takes his life you will be to blame is unbearable really. My way of coping with this sort of thing is that I force my rational self to come to the front.

I do this by sitting down with a cuppa and going through a couple of checklists. The first one is listing what I have done to try to help and what WAS the response. For example I will say  to myself 'I finally got dd to a doctor after huge effort. But she never kept the follow up appointment'.

It soon becomes clear that you have put enormous effort into trying to help.

The next list is to do with 'what if?' This is when I go through 'What if I suggested  . . . ?' Then I think back to my first list and the responses that happened there.


It seems that (a) you have done everything you can and (b) your son is clearly making his own choices - eg that he will not return with you.

When I walked 'beside' my dd I was there trying to clear a path for her, trying to help her make the least bad choice etc. Now I walk 'next' to dd in that I am not entangled emotionally as I was. I am there if there is a crisis but I can't be 'cornered' any more as the one responsible for everything but without any authority or say in the direction of her life.

I posted a poem by Nelson Mandela here some time back called 'Letting go'. The final line is 'Letting go means to fear less and to love more'. I often bring one of the lines of this poem into my mind because it reminds me that I can let go and still love.

[4love]

InTheWilderness- I am also new to the forum and new to a child with BPD diagnosis.
My 25 yo dd has just recently entered a long term residential program for young women that deal with BPD.

Pre BPD diagnosis and 2 months before she entered the residential program, there was a period of high anxiety for everyone. She had been engaged with a T for several years who knew her and our history. She was unstable enough that there was an agreement that if there was any further sign of instability she would immediately enter a young adult wilderness program. She thought it would give her what she needed. I had some concerns but supported her and her T choice. But I could not fund it. My ex/her father could.  During this time only one friend was comfortable enough to ask if I knew there was a chance she might suicide. And I could finally say- "I think it about it and fear it every single day".  I realized I need to talk about my feelings and fears.  I have recently started seeing a therapist for myself- and it has been helpful. Reading thru everything in this forum has as well.

Sancho= I have read the Mandela poem you posted- it offers much solace and comfort. I really love your list idea. I have been beating myself up and creating lists in my mind of everything I might have done wrong. A circular self flagellation event that leads nowhere. But a list of everything done to help and the response- I suspect that is quite eye opening.

InTheWilderness- I have no good advice- this journey is still very new to me but I wanted to be another voice letting you know that you are not alone. The Family Connections program is offering a 2 day program on Suicide and Trauma later in April. I think you can find info on it via the National Educational Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder website.  ( I am technically challenged or I would post a link).

[Couscous]

Hi InTheWilderness,

You might want to check out something called the CRAFT Approach, which has a 70% success rate in getting family members into treatment. Even though it was designed for people with addictions, the behaviors in BPD are not unlike the behaviors you see in an alcoholic/addict. You also might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings in your area for parents which can be really helpful.

CRAFT teaches family members how to:

-Understand why their loved one is drinking or using they way that they are… and how to use that information to encourage a new path forward.
-Improve communication skills to more effectively express their needs and requests.
-Improve empathetic listening skills to increase connection, collaboration, understanding, and respect.
-Have conversations about use and treatment in a way that ultimately encourages recovery.
-Help their loved one access effective addiction treatment resources once they express interest in treatment.
-Notice when things are going well, even if it is just 1% or 2% change in a positive direction, and encourage their loved one to continue that small, sustainable change.
-Discern which world consequences of using or drinking they are willing to have their loved ones experience… and which ones they are not.
-Set and maintain boundaries in ways that are both effective and kind.
-Learn or re-learn how to take care of themselves and reconnect with their values so that, regardless of their loved one’s use, they can still lead a life that is centered on their values and not their loved one’s drug/alcohol use.
-Help family members identify triggers for violence and develop plans to keep themselves (and their children) safe, if violence or the potential for violence exists.

https://helpingfamilieshelp.com/about-craft

[InTheWilderness]

Thanks, Sancho. List-making is a good idea. I have been doing some journaling but mostly cataloguing son’s actions and reactions, emotional states, good days, bad days, doctor appointments and outcomes. It is my way of trying to impose order to this chaos. And I can see from your suggestion this also serves as evidence of my efforts.

4love, thanks for sharing. I hope this residential program helps your daughter. Please let us know. I too have spent time wondering where I went wrong. Looking back, my son had symptoms from a young age, which I ascribed to ADD. He received therapy and a fair amount of intervention but at the end of the day it wasn’t enough or what he needed. Psychiatrist John Gunderson does a nice job explaining (YouTube) that a kind of perfect storm occurs with BPD wiring and family environment. Nature and nurture, the cause can lean stronger in one direction.

Couscous, thanks, I will look into CRAFT. My son is treatment resistant. He hurts deeply and is in near crisis every 3 days-there is a pattern- yet, he refuses to engage in DBT, group therapy, as well as meds, ketamine, mood stabilizer, etc. if i could get him to engage in therapy, that would make all this so much easier to accept.

As it is, seems like he is determined to live with his misery. There is a payoff for not accepting treatment. He is convinced he will lose his good moods. I keep wondering at what point would he hurt so badly that he chooses to change? It’s very confusing.

Yes, I need therapy! Specifically, help with letting go; thanks all for giving me clarity.