My BF has BPD and i just diagnosed with ADHD

[Raph90]

Hi everyone!

New member here, as i was aimlessly navigating the BPD's guides for couples that has BPD. I found this site and decided that i want to learn more about BPD through people stories and navigating through our relationship better.

My partner was diagnosed for BPD around 3 years ago, and i just recently diagnosed for ADHD about 1 year ago.

The current situation is not good as it seems, as my partner lost his job last June, and haven't found any job again, currently freelancing for arts, meanwhile we just moved into a new place together just as the layoff news dropped. It's a tough situation because he is not financially safe and i provided for us during this period. He stopped using his meds last year around the layoff as the meds were expensive, and my savings also used to pay new rent.

During this time, he spiralled back to several cases of meltdowns because of unemployment, friends fallout, and few suicidal attempts.

I used to nag him to therapy again and resume his meds as i will cover the cost, but he refused saying he doesn't want to be another financial burden. I don't want to push him over so i respect his choice and decided to support him anyway i can.

Anyhow, my current ADHD diagnosis sometimes doesn't help the situation as i tend to overshare my feelings, i also am a people pleaser and sometimes what i said doesn't match what i intended to say. Several times this case hurt his feelings because it invalidates his.

I just want to find help from you, can you share several tips for me to navigate this situation?
Thank you all so much 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mjh]

If you are not married and there are no children you must look out for yourself. 

I won't attempt to judge your partner because I don't know them, but I will say that I spent 22 years attempting to please a BPD partner, and she left me and was engaged to another man within 3 months, spent a year in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship (during which they both cheated on each other), ruined her professional life, and broke up after two years. 

Within 6 months of that breakup she moved in with another man with two children that she dotes on at the expense of her own children she had with me.

Her BPD caused constant strife and is now destroying the mental health of our youngest child who is 12 and knows that his mother is unstable.

She is beautiful, charming, and was at one point very financially successful.  She split on me when I went against her on a major life decision and was out of the house within a month and started a new life within 3 months. 

Your very notion of love and relationships simply do not resonate with a person with active BPD.  It is a matter of time.

[mjh]

I should add that a diagnosis of BPD is a kind of a big deal in that those that suffer from it are not typically honest with their provider, and providers typically avoid the diagnosis because of the stigma.

Two pieces of advice: 

1) those that suffer from BPD will not recover without long term, intenstive, and constant therapy and commitment

2)  The partner can support recovery but is not responsible.    You can't fix your S.O. on your own. Trying will bring you grief.

[kells76]

Hi Raph90, welcome to the group -- glad you felt ready to reach out for some support.

Relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD) aren't easy, yet there are tools and skills -- often unintuitive -- that we can learn and try, that can decrease conflict and make things "less bad". And like you've learned, while we can't make the other person do anything (can't make them go to therapy), we do have 100% control over our own actions and choices.

"Typical" things that couples do to work through conflict, that can be effective with "generally normal" couples, are often like throwing fuel on a fire when one partner has a PD. For example, for a "generally normal" couple, Explaining what happened can sometimes resolve conflict. However, a pwBPD might experience hearing an Explanation as invalidating, and that can escalate conflict. Four typical moves that happen in normal conflict -- Justifying our actions, Arguing, Defending ourselves, and Explaining what happened -- can make things worse with a pwBPD. In fact, we have a workshop on avoiding JADE-ing, so feel free to check it out.

Fortunately, there are alternative ideas for how to communicate with a pwBPD in ways that are less escalating. Some members have used the S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth communication tool to express what they need to express in a structured way.

Of course, at the end of the day, the tools and skills aren't magic wands that fix your loved one's perceptions and brain wiring. Your partner may always struggle with harmfully intense emotions, and one way of looking at a relationship with a pwBPD is that it's an "emotional special needs" relationship that may not have the equal support and equal abilities that some people want. That being said, yes, many people stay in a relationship with their BPD partner, for many unique reasons, and finding ways to minimize high-conflict situations will make that more feasible.

Hopefully as you settle in here, you have a chance to check out other members' threads and experiences, and our libraries of tools, skills, and articles. Keep us posted on your own support system, which is critical when there's a pwBPD in our lives. Most importantly, again, welcome to the group!

kells76

[Raph90]

I should add that a diagnosis of BPD is a kind of a big deal in that those that suffer from it are not typically honest with their provider, and providers typically avoid the diagnosis because of the stigma.

Two pieces of advice: 

1) those that suffer from BPD will not recover without long term, intenstive, and constant therapy and commitment

2)  The partner can support recovery but is not responsible.    You can't fix your S.O. on your own. Trying will bring you grief.

Hi mjh! First of all, i'm sorry to hear about your ex wife, all those years must be really hard on both of you and your kids. Thanks for the great advice and concerns, i'm keeping that in mind. You're right  about the responsibility, i can only help as much, but my partner has to do the healing from himself.

[Raph90]

Hi Raph90, welcome to the group -- glad you felt ready to reach out for some support.

Relationships with pwBPD (people with BPD) aren't easy, yet there are tools and skills -- often unintuitive -- that we can learn and try, that can decrease conflict and make things "less bad". And like you've learned, while we can't make the other person do anything (can't make them go to therapy), we do have 100% control over our own actions and choices.

"Typical" things that couples do to work through conflict, that can be effective with "generally normal" couples, are often like throwing fuel on a fire when one partner has a PD. For example, for a "generally normal" couple, Explaining what happened can sometimes resolve conflict. However, a pwBPD might experience hearing an Explanation as invalidating, and that can escalate conflict. Four typical moves that happen in normal conflict -- Justifying our actions, Arguing, Defending ourselves, and Explaining what happened -- can make things worse with a pwBPD. In fact, we have a workshop on avoiding JADE-ing, so feel free to check it out.

Fortunately, there are alternative ideas for how to communicate with a pwBPD in ways that are less escalating. Some members have used the S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth communication tool to express what they need to express in a structured way.

Of course, at the end of the day, the tools and skills aren't magic wands that fix your loved one's perceptions and brain wiring. Your partner may always struggle with harmfully intense emotions, and one way of looking at a relationship with a pwBPD is that it's an "emotional special needs" relationship that may not have the equal support and equal abilities that some people want. That being said, yes, many people stay in a relationship with their BPD partner, for many unique reasons, and finding ways to minimize high-conflict situations will make that more feasible.

Hopefully as you settle in here, you have a chance to check out other members' threads and experiences, and our libraries of tools, skills, and articles. Keep us posted on your own support system, which is critical when there's a pwBPD in our lives. Most importantly, again, welcome to the group!

kells76

Thank you for the warm welcome, kells!

I might check other member's thread that more or less have a similar pattern with what i'm feeling right now. In the meantime i think i will be seeing therapy too for my adhd and my own mental being, so i can be present for my partner. It's going to be a rough road ahead but i do believe he deserves another chance of loving support system.