Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 02:04:07 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: At a stand still not sure what to do.  (Read 371 times)
HesterLee
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married
Posts: 2


« on: March 24, 2023, 01:20:25 PM »

Hi All,  This is my first go at this online.  Background--- I am in my 50's and first realized what I experienced as a child was not normal behavior in my late 30's.  I was in counseling for an unrelated reason, when the psychologist asked about my growing up years.  After I described my childhood, the psychologist asked me if I had ever heard of BPD.  I had not.  She read me the DSM description of BPD and it was like my whole life suddenly made sense.  The relief I felt realizing their was possibly a reason for my fathers behavior and... it was not me... was such a gift.  At the time there was no google.  The answers and descriptions of BPD were not readily available and I think it was just starting to get recognized in the world.  I spent years reading everything I could about BPD.  And though my degrees are not in Psychology (only a minor), I was able to narrow down my father.  He is undiagnosed mainly because he has what I have heard some books describe as  "unconventional type"  BPD and possible narcissism  ---  "turn the pain outward, deny responsibility for any relationship problems, and blame and criticize “targets of blame” who eventually suffer the pain their family member has projected onto them." (Stop walking on Egg Shells.).  He would NEVER think he had a psychological problem.  He doesn't even realize he is raging at you. You will say "please stop yelling at me" and he will rage that he is not yelling!  He held down a job for 35 years, was often a wonderful, loving person and had a family of 4 kids.  However, you never knew who was going to walk through that door.  You all know the drill.  For a kid and even a young adult it is such a mind game (well, even as a grown adult!).    So I know you all get this..so hear is my problem.
My mother (saved me in life) is the smartest, most giving, strongest person I have ever met.  She was his verbal abuse sponge.  He would be scared, upset, feel less then, feel questioned, you name it she got his feeling dumped on her.  She now has Alzheimer's (I believe due the stress all those years).  I am the youngest of 4 kids, 2 boys, 2 girls.  My sister and I are now the main caretakers of my parents.  My mom is in Memory care and my dad is in the building attached, independent apartments.  We are so thankful we got her away from him (for the most part) as his black and white thinking causes him to not be able to understand or deal with the reality of Alzheimers disease.  He would rage at her when she wouldn't remember, correct her when she said something wrong, rage when she would have unrealistic memories of their life together.  We kept thinking with education and support he would start to understand, but no amount of book reading, support groups or social workers could get him to understand.  Our problem now is he sees her once a day and she was getting upset.  My sister (who they placed in charge of their health directive) tried to discuss why she was getting upset and ever so gently suggested he not do what he was doing.  He now will not talk to my sister, he won't even look at her or her children.  He has gone back to what we think is when he felt abandonment, age 5, and will not budge.   My sister, will soon be the only one living close by (I am moving) and will be my mom and his main contact.  We are so worried he will try to make it so my sister can not see my mother.  We are also worried that his not talking to her will make her life so miserable when dealing with his medical care, etc.  We do not know what to do.  My sister is heartbroken that he would just cut her off (he has done this to people all his life (me for a year because I moved), he has no friends, but has never done it to her).  If it was just him, she probably would just let him act like this, but it affects my mother.  We are not sure what to do.    I know there is a lot going on here that triggered his abandonment issues 1. He moved last year out of his home of 50 years 2. His two son's very rarely contact him, only my sister and I have helped him in the last 5 years 3. We were both gone on vacation for a week (we usually see them everyday) 4.  She suggested he was doing something wrong.     We really need for him to talk to her.  We do not know what to do.  Whenever she tries to talk to him he explodes into a rage.  Last time my sister was fearful he may hit her (which he has never done).  Does anyone have any ideas on how we can get him to talk to her again? 

Logged
Couscous
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1072


« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2023, 06:10:12 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) HesterLee,

Unfortunately your father sounds like he’s highly narcissistic and also, out of control. The behavior you have described doesn’t really have anything to do with the borderline fear of abandonment, but rather is known as a “narcissistic rage”. It’s a reaction to the “narcissistic injury” your father incurred when he inferred that your sister thought that he had done something “wrong”. This is intolerable for a narcissist.

Now, it could be possible that with enough groveling he will eventually “pardon” your sister for this transgression when he has deemed that she has been sufficiently punished, however, this doesn’t solve the problem of his continual verbal abuse of your mother. It might be that going forward he only have supervised visits with your mother in a public place, if that is an option.

I don’t have any personal experience with dealing with an aging disordered parent but there are others on this board who I am sure will chime in soon and will likely have some good advice for you on how to best navigate this situation, and what your legal options are.

One book that may be helpful to you is, Children of the Aging Self-absorbed, by Nina Brown. I haven’t read it (yet), but have read some of her other books, all of which I thought were excellent.
Logged
Methuen
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1732


« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2023, 06:57:37 PM »

HesterLee,

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Breathe deeply, long and slow X4.  Repeat.  Are you familiar with 4 square breathing or box breathing?  It really does help so that we can think rationally again, and do what we need to do to find a path forward.  

This certainly does sound like the situation is in crisis mode.  Your mom is in memory care, and your dad is in the same facility, but in independent living.  You are moving, and your sister will be the sibling providing support to the parents.  Your (likely) narcissistic father is refusing to communicate with your sister, and everyone is afraid for your mom since your dad has no capacity to empathize with your mom's medical condition.

At this point, who has POA for your mom?  Your dad or your sister?  Is it financial and healthcare POA?

The facility will likely have a social worker.  Have you already communicated your concerns to this person?  If not, I would put together a cogent plan with a set of prepared notes to refer to in order to stay on track (notes based on facts and not emotions), and communicate your concerns to the appropriate person who is in a position to help a family with complicated dynamics.  You want to appear as a rational and caring person so you are not dismissed.  Communication with the facility is important since your mom cannot advocate for herself.  Is your mother's doctor aware of the issues?  Her care team?

Also, do you know if the facility has any kind of handle on your dad's temperament or personality?  Have they observed the abuse?

Excerpt
Our problem now is he sees her once a day and she was getting upset.
Has the staff seen this?  Are they aware? 

It would be a good idea for you and your sister to make time to take care of yourselves too. It's like being on an airplane in an emergency and putting your own oxygen mask on before your children's.  You have to be emotionally and physically well yourself in order to be there for your parents - especially your mom.

Wishing for your dad to pull it together or smarten up just isn't going to happen.  The only thing we can control is how we respond to their bad behavior.  They aren't going to change because of their PD.  It's us that has to do the changing, which is really difficult, especially in an existing crisis.  This website has a ton of information and "tools" including strategies we can learn and use with high conflict people.  Have you found where this information is on the site yet?





« Last Edit: March 24, 2023, 07:06:45 PM by Methuen » Logged
Mommydoc
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 386


« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2023, 10:27:47 PM »

Yikes, this is horrible HesterLee.  I appreciate the support you are showing towards your sister.  It is good that your mother is in a memory unit and your dad in attached independent living. The staff there are likely used to these sorts of dynamics and much more objective because it isn’t their family.  Lean on the facility staff  and engage your parents care team, including a social worker.  I agree with Methuen, that your focus can’t be on fixing your father. Focus on assuring your mother is protected from him and enlist the facility in doing so.    Hopefully his narcissistic injury and rants will burn out.  Until then, support yourself, your sister and your mom. 

Recently, my family member ( sister with BPD) rants became intolerable and I had to go NC.  My mother ( without BPD) is also in a memory unit.  The facility staff, my mothers hospice team including  the SW and chaplain have been phenomenal in creating a buffer for me while assuring my moms needs are met.  I am so glad you have your sister and you can support each other in this. 
Logged
HesterLee
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married
Posts: 2


« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2023, 08:07:26 AM »

Thank you all so much for your responses, advice and support.  My sister and I will reach out to the social worker at the facility and alert her to what is happening.  We are so worried that my dad will try to move my mom (a place where she is happy and safe) to punish my sister.  Although I have POA for my mom, it is only secondary to my dads incapacity to do it.  Not sure how we can prove his incapacity since he only does it in private to us (the story of our lives).   My sister keeps thinking if she just apologizes he will come out of it. I know from experience this just makes it worse and will leave her more frustrated and sad.     We are going to reach out to the social worker from your suggestions. Maybe they can help us make a solid plan and at least get things documented.   Thank you all for your support!  After going through years of therapy learning about how to deal with BPD, I feel like my sister is just starting, it is hard to see her go through this. 
Logged
Couscous
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1072


« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2023, 02:57:07 PM »

This sounds like an extremely difficult situation.

I’m wondering if getting Adult Protective Services involved would be also something worth considering since this would likely be viewed as a domestic violence situation for not only your mother, but the whole family. I hope your sister will consider getting some counseling from someone with DV experience because it might be very hard on her if, God forbid, things escalate to the point to where things like restraining orders would need to be considered.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!