Anyone experience extended period of stability with BPD partner?

[coffee4life]

New to group, first post.  I’m wondering if anyone has experienced an extended period of time symptom stability in their BPD partner? How long?  I read somewhere that’s a possibility with BPD.   I started counseling over the toxic history with my husband and T suggested possible BPD.  The first two years of our relationship does sound like some of the stories I’m reading with love bombing turning into extreme clinginess, quick mood shifts, paranoid accusations that turn into escalating arguments, sometimes turning physical.  But then we stumbled into diffusing the arguments before they escalated and I learned to avoid triggers, but at the expense of my own well being.  Things seemed to continue to settle over ten years with only some moodiness, not the more extreme behaviors.  But now we’re back to an increase in moodiness and are paranoia back.  I’ve distanced myself emotional in the relationship and the thought of losing me has completely destabilized things the last two months.  We’re starting counseling, but doesn’t seem to be a couples issue.  Just looking if anyone has experienced a high level functioning/moderate BPD or time of more stability with their loved one.  Curious if that’s actually what I’ve been dealing with all these years…  I may post a more detailed history later.  Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zachira]

I come from a large immediate and extended family of disordered people. There are many family members with diagnosed mental illness and lots of personality disorders. Certainly there are people who are so disorderd that their behaviors are always off, and then there are others who are more stable. My mother who is deceased had BPD. She did seem more stable at times. With age her BPD got worse and she spent the last years of her life medicated with numerous pyschiatric meds for depression, anxiety, sleeping disorders, psychosis, mania, etc. People with BPD are on a spectrum, some with just a few symptoms and others at the other end, fully dysregulated and unstable nearly all the time. Some people with BPD are incredibly charming in public and only show their symptoms to their closest family members.

[Bella2798]

Your relationship story seems so much similar to mine.

Our first two years were great. And then the problem came out. We never knew about BPD, until he found out himself (kind of a self diagnosis) and then after 3 years, a psychologist mentioned it. Everything started to calm down after he found out and through that period of 3 years and because of that, we were even forgetting about the BPD, thinking that it was just a similarity. But his situation is more tense now, and he's under a lot of pressure. I think that has triggered him and now we're having many episodes of splitting, fighting, etc again.

[thankful person]

Hi coffee and welcome… Through joining bpd family and reading “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” and putting strategies into place of how to communicate with my wife, she became much more sane and calm for over a year, without putting in any effort herself or even knowing of my secret mission which was mainly to protect our children. Unfortunately she has turned on me again since birthing baby 3 last year. Some days seem hopeless like there’s no way our marriage can survive how much she hates me. But then other days it seems she’s happier. This has been a pattern with all 3 babies. I still use all the strategies but when she “splits” believing I’m a terrible person, there’s little I can do but look after myself.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Welcome Coffee!  

Yes - In my particular case (HF uBPDw) when her stress level goes down a lot, and she is occupied and doing “creative” things in her happy place with no adult responsibilities, and feeling needed by many people (especially her family) - the unstable anger/explosiveness and suicidal tendencies tend to subside.  Basically when she is allowed to be a child with no expectations.  I have seen stretches of up to 4-5 years without suicide or crazymaking arguments.

However in my experience the depression, self loathing, fear of abandonment, emptiness, anxiety, paranoia, and impulsiveness (overeating/overspending) never subside in my case.  Depression and anxiety are helped with meds though.

Amendment:  there are always rough days - but I try to keep context that even healthy relationships have rough days/weeks.  The black painting and uncontrollable chaos/severe depression I recall I have had breaks when our children were young and all the attention was on her, and she could just be a child with no responsibilities.  Right now I am in a rough patch in about year 3?  I do lots of marathon running, counseling, eating well, sleeping in a separate bedroom, and spending time with friends and family to work the stress out and stay healthy.  Right now my key focus is getting my kids though high school. 

[Yonda]

I tried to stabilise a very long term relationship but you lose a lot doing it. Basically striping everything out of it that can trigger and that means there is no relationship in the end.

It did work but when I stopped that was it.

I stopped the reassurance and tried to get her to be more independent and do things with other people.

I did that by encouraging and pulling back what I was doing with her.

Oops!

She translated that into I was boring and didn’t love her.

So the feedback suggests.

You have to be a lover, a mother, entertainment specialist, perfect, love everything she loves, live in a general proximity all the time, don’t have any expressions that can be misinterpreted etc etc.

It’s a hard gig.

Over 20 years and I failed.

I didn’t fail I was actually quite creative and clever for most of the years and very patient.

Just need a break and didn’t get it.

I was tired…

Love her to but but wow she trashed me in the break up. Never saw that side to her in all those years.

We had rules of respect.

They went out the window

[Amina]

Hi, yes I have--though his long term grounded-ness is in months, not years.  I have been involved with my partner for 3.5 years, and he splits on me frequently.  However, we go through months of stability and healthy connection, experiences, discussions, etc.  I've also done extensive reading and research on the best ways to interact with him.  His splitting episodes vary in length, and I cannot estimate how long they will be at any given time, and they do make me feel very lonely, and I grieve when he splits black.

[Yonda]

It broke my heart when I read how you feel.

One because it's happening to you

Two because it was beautifully described and that's exactly what it feels like

Grief

It's the sad existence for two people.

I think my grief for someone I deeply loved will last a lifetime for reasons normal people cannot even fathom.

So much detail to get your head around

Keep those boundaries set.  Do not move from them an inch.

Boundaries of respect

I was with a quiet borderline she liked to project, and she doesnt give up.  Once she has an idea in her mind you can't get rid of it    

The break up OMG!

I stuck it out and I'm not all crap anymore.  Took me months...months...

I ask her to balance me.

She does ok but that's where it ends.

[coffee4life]

Thank you for all the responses it has been immensely helpful!
I don’t really have much experience with group boards so posting was a big step for me.

It’s been hard to find a time to reply since we’re around each other so much (problem #1) and me typing a lot is a trigger of anxiety for him….  sigh   but this is my coffee out time, which makes my screen name appropriate, though that wasn’t intentional

Update since posting..  He’s been more emotionally stable this week, not bottoming out.  Perhaps meds kicking in, lack of alcohol but also the fear of my leaving has him in fix it mode/love bomb…  expect a few weeks of that and if I’m not reciprocating and all better in the relationship he’ll have a melt down.  My therapist suggested the same.

I think I will write out the whole story, I have most of it done from therapy and it’d be beneficial to myself to finish and if it helps anyone else identify there situation that would be great.

[coffee4life]

zachira  Thanks for your insight on the spectrum nature of these disorders. I’m wondering if age has increased his symptoms as well.

My H is also very social, everyone likes him, what a great guy ect, but as the favorite person life is not that smooth for me.  And he’s pretty reactive to some other family members, but his son is for some reason immune.

[coffee4life]

@bella2798    actually, our first two years were turbulent… don’t think I wrote that clearly not sure if I can update.  But we also thought his previous moods/behaviors were almost forgotten until recently.  Definitely some stress triggers, especially feeling like he wasn’t valued at work.  That started a major decline. I think he needed more from me then but I wasn’t limited on what I could provide. 

[coffee4life]

@thankful person   Those post baby hormones seem to cause a lot of flare ups for women.  Good that you’re secret strategies helpful bring more calm.  I think that’s what I’ve been doing without really knowing explicitly. Just don’t trigger any insecurity about the relationship rule #1! 


@outdorenthu     good self care!  the long stretch of no crazymaking is similar.  He just started on meds and seems to be helping depression and anxiety as well


@amina   that’s helpful to hear you’re able to manage month of healthy connection with how your interact

@yonda   Wow I really feel for you too!  I’m feeling the same exhaustion and getting the same reaction with new limits.  Thanks for the advice of existing and boundaries!