Here's to hope

[Chaotic_Reality]

I'll start at the begining. I have a history of PTSD from childhood trama and bi polar. Both are well managed. I have been in treatment for 20 years. 26 of those years I was deemed mental disabled and got a check. I met my wife six years ago and everything was wonderful the first 6 months. I fell so in love that I gave up everything and everyone that she thought put our relationship at risk. I did so willing.  Why wouldn't i she's successful at her job, she very beautiful, she's loving and caring I've never found anyone in all my life who makes me feel so alive and in bliss. Not realizing that along the way she managed to isolate me. I was made to give up my friends because she was an ex and part of her family or this guy looked at her this way and she felt awkward around them. My mental health team because she seen they way they looked at me. The whole time I'm so blinded by love that I ask her to move into my rent to own home.  we are blissful in love. me and her against the world and within a week it was like she would have these episodes where she would turn into someone or something else. I would defend myself and point out the facts in the situation to get her back in reality to no avail..  I believe in treating others how you want to be treated but along the way I changed and started treating her like she treated me. (Except I would never hit her.) These episodes wouldn't last long meaning things would get back to normal in a few hours and only accrued about every 3 months. Occasionally she move out and back in within a few day. The time in-between these episodes was wonderful. This pattern of behavior went on for two years until my grandmother passes away and leaves me 1/3 of her house. I get paid and she demands we get married or she's leaving because I never loved her. I told her she's not marriage material, we had more work to do before we are ready for that step. She needed help with her episodes, I would lose my disability payment trying to reason with her she demanded again or she's leaving me because I never loved her she would be nicer if she really knew I loved her and the only way to prove that was marry her. Me not wanting to lose her and tricked into believing her agree to marry her. I used that money to pay for the wedding, honeymoon and bought my rent to own home. Thinking she could be after the money I did research and in most cases if the house is owned before the marriage it's not marital property. after we married things got worse. I became a human punching bag mentally and emotionally and physically. I went into remission and started having panic attacks again. Always fearful, scared to wake the sleeping monster inside my beautiful wonderful sweet loving wife. Blaming myself for her actions. Feeling hopeless worthless and lost. I sought treatment again and told her she needs to do the same or I'm getting a divorce. She agrees gets diagnosed with depression. Told to take some pills you'll feel better in a few weeks. Some months later the pills help a little but not much. I tell her I think we need to get a second opinion on her diagnosis because you have something more then just depression. I was thinking more bi-polar. She reluctantly agreed and went with her for moral support and to help tell the professional about the actions I see and help get a more accurate diagnosis. She gets diagnosed with bpd but it's invisible to the world only I and her get to experience the effects of her illness. She is in dbt therapy now we are living apart and looking forward to a happy healthy future. I joined for guidance while I guide her. I'm doing my research. I bought the essential family guide to borderline personality disorder on audible. It's a tough book. Makes you really feel for what your partner is feeling and going through.. that's where I learned of you and here to absorb anything that could aid us on our journey.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi chaotic reality and welcome to our group! I related to lots of what you said, having given up many relationships with friends and also having relationships with my family controlled, changing my work to what my wife wants and also giving up doing many things I loved. It felt like my wife didn’t want me to be happy about anything, because she wasn’t happy.

I’ve been a member of bpd family for two years now and things have improved lots. My wife, to some extent, will never change, and I accept that now. She had already undergone dbt before we met, however it helped her beat her self harming and eating disorder, so she considers herself cured… the emotional dysregulated, splitting, fear of abandonment, control, rages and and actual delusional beliefs… all these classic bpd symptoms… she does not recognise in herself, and there is no point at all in trying to help her see any of it.

The good news is that I have changed myself so so so much, and actually this has had the effect of my wife becoming calmer and more sane most of the time. I am happier than I have ever been, having learnt how to validate my wife’s feelings which are sometimes so odd to me, and not to Jade (justify, argue, defend, or explain). I do more things for my own pleasure these days and don’t let her bring me down so much (though sometimes that’s impossible).

The bad news is we come back to the fact that I can’t change her. And what this means is that she sees me as a massive problem in the relationship and in her life because I’m such a useless wife, and again there’s no way I can change her beliefs on this. My wife has long term split on me for nearly 6 months since birthing our 3rd child… Sometimes it seems like she’s coming out of it… sometimes it feels like it will never end.

I recommend the book, stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist. I’ve listened to the audiobook in my car countless times and I still do have it on quite often. It reminds me to be strong, look after myself, that I’m the sane one, especially in raising our children as well as I can in these circumstances.

I wish you good luck with the journey. We’re always here if you need any support or advice.