I’m struggling to understand why I still want my exbpd back

[jmm01]

I don’t know who to really talk to about this but my exbpd broke up with me about 2 and a half months ago. I’ve been struggling mentally as it came out of the blue, I later found out she cheated,but the thing that I’ve realised is that I think I may have been abused by her. It started off with little comments during the relationship about me waiting too much for her liking so I started to reduce the amount I would eat to the point when I was with her I would starve myself. It then progressed to her constantly screaming at me and telling me everything I was wrong about and this then led to her not letting me sleep and making me think I was crazy and evil. The next thing she would do is pretend to play fight and I find it hard to even write this but she started to then fully lay into me kicking me in the ribs and punching me everywhere, she then would cry after and make me think it was all my fault. I would then lie to family and friends etc. But even after all this I’m struggling to get past it she keeps insisting we stay friends and when I said I can’t because I still have feelings she says I’m mean and evil and that I upset too much. I also had it arranged to get my stuff back several times where someone has gone to get it and she makes an excuse last minute to not do it and she’s insisting that she comes to me and it’s driving me crazy as I still love her but idk why anymore. She also said she’s not done anything bad and that’s she is in a manic episode so it’s not her fault. Idk what I should do next.

[Turkish]

Screaming at you and guilting you into starving yourself, being isolated from support are forms of domestic abuse, controlling, and hitting you is criminal battery. See here:

Domestic Abuse (for men)

Bpame-shifting is also abuse. No, it's not your fault nor the fault of her "episodes."

[NarcsEverywhere]

At the start of the relationship, there's an idealization that happens, and it causes your inner child to finally not feel alone, this is intoxicating, and then all the abuse, and isolation, causes you to form a trauma bond with her, where you depend on your abuser, because the heart is confused from the 2 versions of her, and because you have no one to look to, especially amplified if you're a guy, because people will assume women can't be abusers. (there's obviously crappy assumptions and issues if the reverse it true also), but I've been abused by my BPDexGF and people don't easily assume a guy is abused by a woman, especially physically.

I remember crying one time and being hit hard over and over by my exGF, and no one seemed to take it seriously, it's very isolating. But more than anything, this trauma bond, it leaves you feeling confused, hurt and alone, all the degradation causes you to feel extremely low, which makes you more dependent, and the other part of your inner child wants the love back. It's basically a mind warp.

Know what you deserve, even if you don't feel it, you deserve to not be abused, you deserve love that isn't dependent on abuse, you deserve your own love, and support from others when you need it.

[jmm01]

I think it’s also hard to think that I allowed it to happen and I even thought it was normal tbh as she made me think it was always my fault some how. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in my personal life about in case they say something negative. She also tried saying I’m evil and mean when I said what she did was bad and she went she’s got nothing wrong that she’s done and then said she’s manic so she has no control. She also insists that she wants to be friends even though she dumped me and I made it clear I have feelings so I can’t be friends and she said she no longer loves me romantically but it all happened in the space of a day when she broke things off. Tbh it’s hard to keep track of everything and she basically refused to give my stuff to my mate she’s insisting on bringing it to me in person.Idk why she wants to be friends and makes me feel guilty when I say no to it.

[jaded7]

I think it’s also hard to think that I allowed it to happen and I even thought it was normal tbh as she made me think it was always my fault some how. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in my personal life about in case they say something negative. She also tried saying I’m evil and mean when I said what she did was bad and she went she’s got nothing wrong that she’s done and then said she’s manic so she has no control. She also insists that she wants to be friends even though she dumped me and I made it clear I have feelings so I can’t be friends and she said she no longer loves me romantically but it all happened in the space of a day when she broke things off. Tbh it’s hard to keep track of everything and she basically refused to give my stuff to my mate she’s insisting on bringing it to me in person.Idk why she wants to be friends and makes me feel guilty when I say no to it.

I'm sorry you've experienced this. It's hard and confusing. Read through the boards here, a lot, and you'll see that what you've experience at her hands and your feelings are not only common, they are EXACTLY what most everyone here has experienced.


*Thinking it's your fault/you're bad (they tell you this)
*Confusion- if she loves me she wouldn't lie to me/I must deserve this treatment/if she hits me I must have done something wrong/maybe she just loves me too much
*Can't talk to anyone about it (they will often get upset at you doing so...it hurts their self-image and they want to keep what has happened a secret)- they will shame you for this
*Saying you're evil and mean and...
*Saying they did nothing wrong, or when you keep pointing it out and it's undeniable...
*Saying it's not their fault when you point out their bad behaviors and abusive words- most often YOU MADE them do it (or, if you didn't ______ then I wouldn't have had to do _____)
*Ignoring your needs/feelings- you said you had feelings for her and couldn't be friends, and plus she dumped YOU, and then shaming you for not be able to be friends
*Loves you one day, not the next
*Holding your stuff hostage as a way of controlling you and the situation



All of this is extremely common here amongst us. You'll see as you read through.

Turkish (above) is very wise and has been here helping people a long time. You experienced domestic violence and gaslighting and verbal abuse and controlling. They usually all go together. You are confused and afraid, which is normal (but very hurtful and uncomfortable)
[/list]

[Rev]

Hey J...

Let me add my words of welcome and support.  It is really common for men in our situation to realize abuse only after the relationship is over, often making the entire situation only more confusing.

Here's a quote from a scholarly paper I have in my files. Hopefully this helps reinforce that you are not alone and that there is no shame. Abuse is NEVER the fault of the victim, even if the abuser themselves are not well people.

The following definition was published by the Government of Alberta and shall serve as the definition for DVA in this memoir:

Abuse of men by their partners happens when the partner uses emotional, physical, sexual or intimidation tactics. She* does it to control the man, get her own way and prevent him from leaving the relationship. The abused man is always adapting his behaviour to do what his partner wants, in the hopes of preventing further abuse.

In addition, Robinson et al. (2015) note (among many authors) that abusive behavior is characterized by its coercive focus and damaging qualities vis-à-vis the victim’s self-perception.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Rev]

Here's another excerpt from the author that you might find useful:

At the crux of what the male victim suffers are the psychological scars of his personal and wider experience. The male victim is particularly susceptible to finding himself disordered rather than specifically broken because of his experience. As MC Doucet (2018) reminds us, human beings are generally in a state of constant reconfiguration. For the male victim of DVA, this means that therapy can focus not so much on repairing the victim but more, rather, on moving him from a disordered mental state to an ordered one. If the victim has disclosed and sought help, likely he has overcome enough of a sense of shame that formerly prevented disclosure. This may mean that he is open to further developing his sense of resiliency as a way to heal. There are at least two reasons this appears to be a valid conceptualization.
The first reason is that a majority of female perpetrators are themselves suffering from a personality or mood disorder. These conditions can have a projective quality of about them. As the literature has indicated, one of the abusive tactics used against male victims is to impress upon them that they are the “crazy ones”. Through his personal experience, Mackenzie (2019) highlights that this can leave a victim feeling like they spend more time justifying what they are not rather than trying to discover who they actually are. Consider the image of a male victim as being someone who has been picked apart as a result of the abuse, rather than having been specifically broken and in need of repair. I am inspired by Lopez et al. (2015) who state that resilience, tied to the self-efficacy of positive psychology, is founded by building on what is working well before focussing on what is not. Any victim will find hope and encouragement in knowing that there lies within them the tools to find healing.

[jmm01]

An update- As time is going on I’m slowly feeling abit better but I believe she’s trying to keep a hold of me in some way. She recently called me after she started arguing over chat as I said I found out she cheated on me with prove which she got defensive about then she rang and I was trying to get off the phone but she carried on talking about how her life has gone downhill since we broke up and how much she misses but then she started telling me about one night stands and wanted to meet me in person next week to give me stuff. After this she hasn’t spoken to me since and I know this stupid but the only contact since is streaks but I think I may stop sending as it feels like she uses this to keep me in her life. She also told me a different reason now we broke up is because she lost our spark in the last few days and she is saying she wants me in my life but only as a friend, I feel like my feelings are not considered as I have made it clear several time I still have romantic feelings. Any advice what I should do now?

[Rev]

Any advice what I should do now?

Keep moving and heal.

In 100% of the time - going back to an abuser who does not get outside, authentic help in changing their ways only leads to increased abuse.

Rev