Advice needed

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been on here for a bit, but have not posted for awhile.  My uBPDh moved out about a month ago...some history here...he filed for divorce last October.  I was not happy about it, but decided that I would never pull the trigger for divorce so if someone had to, it would have to be him and maybe in the long run it is best, though, still not what I wanted.  After talking to my lawyer, it was decided to take out a TPO on him.  He was removed from the home and we could not speak to each other.  I immediately regretted doing that, even though there is more than enough reasons as to why I was granted the TPO, and told my lawyer that I wanted to try for reconciliation.  She told me we had to wait a little, let things settle as she would advise for a PPO, the court date was 10 days later.  I told her that I did not want that, I wanted reconcilliation.  After much back and forth, my lawyer offered reconcilliation to my husband of 5 years and he accepted it on the grounds that I drop the TPO...he wanted reconcilliation for 6 months though I had offered 3 months.  I accepted.  He came back home...happy as could be sweeping me off of my feet on day one.  Thinking he didn't have a place to live, he had just signed a lease the day before for a house about 10 minutes from ours.  The day after he came home, he told me that he needed to go do some yard work at the other house, though he was going to tell the landlord that he didn't want the house anymore and help the landlord get it rented to someone else.  Well, he came home and declared that he was keeping that house.  Over the next couple of months, nothing changed.  Our conditions for reconcilliation were individual therapy and couples therapy.  I am going to therapy weekly...he says he is going, but won't sign a release for our therapists to talk...which I think is shady.  He slowly would "move out" of our house...meaning bringing a couple of things to his rental and sleep there for a couple of days, then come home.  About a month ago, he moved out again (when I was at work, so I didn't know and no mention of it to me before doing so).  This time he has not returned.  He brought the majority of his clothes and shoes (except anything that anyone in my family or myself has given him) and his work stuff (he works from home) and I think some paperwork.  No communication, no asking to talk to the kids (we have 5 kids...2 together, 2 mine and one his).  About a week or so later, he asked when he was having the kids sleep over at his house...um...never, they are young (2 and 5 years) and you chose to move out, you can see the kids whenever at our house.  Time goes on, and the same cycle happens...we have an online therapy session together...the session is over he facetimes to talk to the kids and ends up flirting with me and coming over after the kids go to bed and we have sex...we both go to my daughter's soccer "game", she wants to go to dad's house, I am not ok with her being there alone, so I go too and he gets flirty and playful (the husband I fell in love with) we have sex we say we love each other...we have my son's birthday party ignore each other, my daughter sends a picture to him of us and he gets all flirty again wanting to hang out, saying I love you, we know it is going to take a long time but this is what both of us want, etc.  All of those times are on the weekend.  During the week, it is either silence as he is mad at me for who knows what or blaming me for something.  We start couples therapy and the first session he states that he will go to all sessions we want to set up but will not talk until his kids sleep over at his house...the second session he states that he will not pay for sessions any more as he can't afford it (he makes way more than I do) and that he will not attend sessions any longer...until I say that I will attend the sessions planned...oh well if she is going to go then I need to be there...and he pays half...but the only thing that comes out of his mouth the entire session is that I am a liar, a cheater, etc...I can't even get a sentence out without him interrupting me to say this.  Today, I asked the couples therapist if we could push our next session back (I don't want to do it as it takes of much out of me) as a semi emergency came up with one of my kids.  He texts me what kid and what is wrong.  So I tell him which kid and that I am really worried about him because he has become super isolated and I think that he is cutting himself...his response to me is "I'm sorry if he is going through stuff, but with you who knows!"  Really...this is your step son and you have been in his life longer than his real dad (who passed away).  He looked up to you even when you screamed at him for absolutely no reason over and over, threatened him, told him he was a liar, cheater (sound familar), etc.  I didn't reply.  I want this to work but this side of him I can't stand.  I am really worried about my son and he couldn't care less.  How about you step up and hangout with him...like you said over the weekend that you wanted to start doing...like the plans you had for Tuesday with him that you cancelled and wouldn't reschedule.  I don't know what to do!  We are standing at the divorce line and I don't want to cross it...but I also don't know if I can live like this...always worried he is going to pull the plug, never sure if we will have a good interaction or a horrible one.  I have stuck to my boundary of he will not have the kids alone at his place and he will not let me hear the end of how not ok he is with that.  I have told him if he wants a divorce, the kids will be coming with me...I don't trust him alone with them...I have seen how he has treated my step-daughter...Any advice as to how to deal with this...our last in person interaction was great..."I love you" from both of us, we both want this to work (though he stated there is so much hate in us from our past), both of us agree that it is going to take time and living apart is better right now and then this comment.  I can't deal with him right now...I need to focus on my child...though unfortunately we have our son's doctors appointment tomorrow so I have to see him then...ugh...I need advice!        

[Anonymous22]

I have been on here for a bit, but have not posted for awhile.  My uBPDh moved out about a month ago...some history here...he filed for divorce last October.  I was not happy about it, but decided that I would never pull the trigger for divorce so if someone had to, it would have to be him and maybe in the long run it is best, though, still not what I wanted.  After talking to my lawyer, it was decided to take out a TPO on him.  He was removed from the home and we could not speak to each other.  I immediately regretted doing that, even though there is more than enough reasons as to why I was granted the TPO, and told my lawyer that I wanted to try for reconciliation.  She told me we had to wait a little, let things settle as she would advise for a PPO, the court date was 10 days later.  I told her that I did not want that, I wanted reconcilliation.  After much back and forth, my lawyer offered reconcilliation to my husband of 5 years and he accepted it on the grounds that I drop the TPO...he wanted reconcilliation for 6 months though I had offered 3 months.  I accepted.  He came back home...happy as could be sweeping me off of my feet on day one.  Thinking he didn't have a place to live, he had just signed a lease the day before for a house about 10 minutes from ours.  The day after he came home, he told me that he needed to go do some yard work at the other house, though he was going to tell the landlord that he didn't want the house anymore and help the landlord get it rented to someone else.  Well, he came home and declared that he was keeping that house.  Over the next couple of months, nothing changed.  Our conditions for reconcilliation were individual therapy and couples therapy.  I am going to therapy weekly...he says he is going, but won't sign a release for our therapists to talk...which I think is shady.  He slowly would "move out" of our house...meaning bringing a couple of things to his rental and sleep there for a couple of days, then come home.  About a month ago, he moved out again (when I was at work, so I didn't know and no mention of it to me before doing so).  This time he has not returned.  He brought the majority of his clothes and shoes (except anything that anyone in my family or myself has given him) and his work stuff (he works from home) and I think some paperwork.  No communication, no asking to talk to the kids (we have 5 kids...2 together, 2 mine and one his).  About a week or so later, he asked when he was having the kids sleep over at his house...um...never, they are young (2 and 5 years) and you chose to move out, you can see the kids whenever at our house.  Time goes on, and the same cycle happens...we have an online therapy session together...the session is over he facetimes to talk to the kids and ends up flirting with me and coming over after the kids go to bed and we have sex...we both go to my daughter's soccer "game", she wants to go to dad's house, I am not ok with her being there alone, so I go too and he gets flirty and playful (the husband I fell in love with) we have sex we say we love each other...we have my son's birthday party ignore each other, my daughter sends a picture to him of us and he gets all flirty again wanting to hang out, saying I love you, we know it is going to take a long time but this is what both of us want, etc.  All of those times are on the weekend.  During the week, it is either silence as he is mad at me for who knows what or blaming me for something.  We start couples therapy and the first session he states that he will go to all sessions we want to set up but will not talk until his kids sleep over at his house...the second session he states that he will not pay for sessions any more as he can't afford it (he makes way more than I do) and that he will not attend sessions any longer...until I say that I will attend the sessions planned...oh well if she is going to go then I need to be there...and he pays half...but the only thing that comes out of his mouth the entire session is that I am a liar, a cheater, etc...I can't even get a sentence out without him interrupting me to say this.  Today, I asked the couples therapist if we could push our next session back (I don't want to do it as it takes of much out of me) as a semi emergency came up with one of my kids.  He texts me what kid and what is wrong.  So I tell him which kid and that I am really worried about him because he has become super isolated and I think that he is cutting himself...his response to me is "I'm sorry if he is going through stuff, but with you who knows!"  Really...this is your step son and you have been in his life longer than his real dad (who passed away).  He looked up to you even when you screamed at him for absolutely no reason over and over, threatened him, told him he was a liar, cheater (sound familar), etc.  I didn't reply.  I want this to work but this side of him I can't stand.  I am really worried about my son and he couldn't care less.  How about you step up and hangout with him...like you said over the weekend that you wanted to start doing...like the plans you had for Tuesday with him that you cancelled and wouldn't reschedule.  I don't know what to do!  We are standing at the divorce line and I don't want to cross it...but I also don't know if I can live like this...always worried he is going to pull the plug, never sure if we will have a good interaction or a horrible one.  I have stuck to my boundary of he will not have the kids alone at his place and he will not let me hear the end of how not ok he is with that.  I have told him if he wants a divorce, the kids will be coming with me...I don't trust him alone with them...I have seen how he has treated my step-daughter...Any advice as to how to deal with this...our last in person interaction was great..."I love you" from both of us, we both want this to work (though he stated there is so much hate in us from our past), both of us agree that it is going to take time and living apart is better right now and then this comment.  I can't deal with him right now...I need to focus on my child...though unfortunately we have our son's doctors appointment tomorrow so I have to see him then...ugh...I need advice!        

[ForeverDad]

If he is refusing or putting off counseling/therapy sessions and is not applying what is being discussed in sessions, then odds are he won't substantively change.  As has been said here to many members... without substantive improvements, past behavior is a predictor of future behavior.

Already he's pushing for you to change or weaken your boundaries.  While accommodating requests is nice and desired, that needs to be balanced with him also making positive changes and working with you.  After all it hasn't been that long ago when he had a TPO against him and facing a PPO.

Also, intimacy at this point may be a signal to him that you're not serious in expecting him to substantively improve, not just now but over the long term.