Need advice, feeling manipulated by sister wBPD to break NC

[Mommydoc]

 I agree Zachira.  Her “ love, sis” stopped, so my next message won’t include it.  I do love her and have no problem in positive or neutral exchanges, using “love, mommydoc” but she goes from love bombs to agitation pretty fast.  Less is the best bet when she is agitated.

Past vacations, ( pre cell phone being blocked), I would sometimes let her messages invade my thoughts and distract me.  Not this time, no way.  We had 7 emails back and forth over 3 days and got no where.  Circular conversations as the hospice director calls it.  There is no additional information, I need to convey to her, and I am going to enjoy my vacation.  Yesterday was a travel day, today is first real day, and I am really disconnected. ( having a blast!)  I need to stay connected related to my mom but my sister remains blocked on my phone and I don’t plan to respond to her email for now.  And when I do ( perhaps in a day or two)  it will just re-iterate I can’t tell her a specific time. 

I predict she won’t come.  I am not sure if she wants to come as much as she wants to know my vacation schedule and plans.  It is all about control.

[Notwendy]

I predict she won’t come.  I am not sure if she wants to come as much as she wants to know my vacation schedule and plans.  It is all about control.

My BPD mother says she's going to do something but doesn't plan to do it. Sometimes I think it's about control and also seeing how I react (which is also control).

Enjoy your vacation!

[Mommydoc]

Quick update. Enjoying a so far amazing vacation, and feel really disconnected from work and my sister. I chose not to reply to the last email. There wasn’t really anything more to say and the string needed to end. She has not sent anymore emails, and of course she is till blocked on text/phone.

She seems to have turned her focus on the facility. The Memory Care Director called and sounded stressed, asking if I was OK with my sister buying my mother an iPad so she can face time. My mother is too disabled to FaceTime, but she wants to be able to initiate a FaceTime and have my moms caregivers answer it. This apparently is  in response to my sister asking for a FaceTime from the facility director, who was  busy and not able to do it within the time frame my sister wanted. I told her, I didn’t care if my sister bought an iPad but I had concerns about the facility make commitments to my sister to respond to her FaceTime requests “on demand”.  It will never be enough. It’s a  waste of money but if it gives her a sense of control, whatever. I actually have an old iPad I could donate, but I don’t want to be involved or engaged in this at any level. The Director said she would get feedback from her team and would try to set realistic expectations with my sister. Good luck with that!

My husband thinks I should tell her when I will be back, but my feeling is she is on a different tirade and I don’t want to engage her and make myself the target. 

[zachira]

I think you are smart not to tell your sister when you will be back. It is likely the more she knows about what you are doing, the more ways she will find to cause trouble.
Glad to hear you are enjoying a well deserved vacation!

[Methuen]

My husband thinks I should tell her when I will be back, but my feeling is she is on a different tirade and I don’t want to engage her and make myself the target.

I agree that right now her focus is on the ipad, and I would probably lie low too, if I were you.

There’s a part of me that would be concerned that if you tell her, you’re acknowledging her right to have that info.  With another person, we could share the info without negative consequences.  But with the dynamic of BPD, it feels like it could be handing her the very info that gives her more opportunity to cause you distress, and it gives her the power.

Since he knows the issues, what’s his logic for telling her?

[Notwendy]

I wonder if this is some sort of "power play" with your sister wanting to engage the facility as an "equal" to you. She may want the ability to face time more than actually doing that. One other thought is that she may want an ipad and have it charged to your mother's account and may be saying "it's for mother".

Or she may just be opposing you. Sometimes it seems my BPD mother does that, as a way of establishing control. I recall a time when her car was in the shop and we were there and offered to take her to get it ( that needs more than one driver). I asked her to call the shop and ask if it was ready, and she refused to do that. This made no sense to me- we are trying to get her car for her, why not call the shop? You didn't comply with your sister's requests, so perhaps this is her way of establishing that she will do things her way.

I understand it's frustrating. You have no interest in having "power" over your sister, and just want some cooperation. For my mother - I can see where she reacts to my suggestions as if they are invalidating, where for me, I am trying to establish some cooperation towards a common goal.

So, enjoy your vacation. Maybe your sis will buy and ipad and maybe not. This one is between her and the facility, and they can handle that.

[livednlearned]

Mommydoc,

I'm following along closely in anticipation that my own journey with a disordered sibling will mirror your experience as my parents age (they're in their 80s) so thank you for everything you share here on these boards.

Sometimes I wonder why I come back here and I think it's anticipatory distress. I am low contact with my sibling and low contact with a disordered step daughter and it's surprising to me how much thinking and preparation I feel is necessary just to manage that low contact. Your posts and all the helpful responses here remind me how hard these relationships are to manage when we've been raised to accommodate them and tolerate them and sometimes even enable them. These are hard habits to break.

I can give all the advice in the world but in proximity to my sibling I am 10 years old and back to old habits.

H and I both have a disordered sibling. There's a behavioral term in dog training called resource guarding.

Our siblings do this.

They aggress when they sense a resource requires guarding. Something or someone is threatening to take away a scarce resource.

What's been so confusing for me is that at times I've been the resource my sibling guarded. Mostly, though, my sibling has guarded my parents as resources. He's even tried to guard my attention, making me focus on something just to make sure he has it.

Anything can be a resource worth guarding if it can be taken away. Guarding looks and feels like aggression.

I don't have any advice, just support. I can see in your sister's behavior that she has some of the same behaviors.

She seems to be guarding your mom. She's guarding her inheritance. At times, though, she seems to be trying to guard you, too.

How confusing for her, and ultimately how exasperating to try and track all of these resources she cannot control nor keep. There is probably a mirror version of this happening with her son and husband, I would imagine, since this is likely a permanent pattern in her relationships.

I've used different tools or skills to deal with these behaviors, many of the ones we learn here. Each context seems to warrant a different set of skills, all of them dependent on what I have the bandwidth for. A therapist gave me a savings account metaphor for this. She said I've spent a lifetime depositing fix-care-rescue receipts and have enough money in the bank to live off that interest for a lifetime. If I'm ever in doubt about behaving in ways that put others first, I can look at my bank account and see there is plenty there and err on the side of focusing on me. It's the only silver lining to being groomed for codependence I can think of  

Other people can put others first at the expense of themselves, but not me. I have paid my dues.

This is especially true with our siblings. They have been benefiting from these deposits for a lifetime and if those sacrifices meant anything, surely we would see the upside of our efforts by now.

For me, I see nothing. I have done nothing, nor sacrificed anything to make even a minor dent in my sibling's behavior. With my disordered step-daughter, putting her first only made things worse, not just for me but for her too. The best thing I ever did was to enact compassionate boundaries.

I have a slightly different situation than yours when it comes to my parents since it will be my brother acting as financial and health care power of attorney. These last years I've been doing what I can to come to peace with this. It might make it easier in some ways since I will have no authority and therefore no reason to disagree with any decisions made.

I suppose why I'm posting is to encourage you to be at peace with what you choose going forward. It might seem like small potatoes to give your sister a family photo at this stage, but it might also embolden her to aggress more. When my step-daughter got a series of small wins it weakened me, and that took my attention away from people who love me. I'm angry how much attention she took away from my bio son, who was in the early stages of developing an illness that led to 4 surgeries in his teens.

We don't often think about the cost of these small gifts we give away but I'm less inclined these days to give much of anything away. It's also the darker side of codependency. Sometimes I overstate the value of what I'm giving away because it makes me feel important or valuable or better or whatever. More often than not, these interactions with disordered people are transactional. It's simply a win/loss situation with points counted.

You've done a remarkable job navigating this and I'm so glad you're able to retire and spend more time focusing on you   Thanks for helping me in my own journey. It's hard to put into words how helpful it is to see someone handle this hard work so graciously.

[Notwendy]

Mommydoc,


They aggress when they sense a resource requires guarding. Something or someone is threatening to take away a scarce resource.

Anything can be a resource worth guarding if it can be taken away. Guarding looks and feels like aggression.

I found this very interesting and applicable. It explains my BPD mother's apparent stinginess with us kids and also with others and yet she at times is overly generous with others. It isn't only material stinginess but with other things as well.

I recall one time I was visiting and some neighbors invited her over for some tea and cake and she didn't ask to bring me along, even though I was invited too, she told me she was going with them on her own. Strange- these were all women who knew me, many who are my age and she disinvited me? The idea of guarding her resources- her friends- she did not want to share her friends with me!

I tend to lean to the other side, perhaps due to being raised with this and not wanting to do this, perhaps some co-dependency, but for whatever reasons, I don't usually mind sharing resources in a cooperative situation. My kids might borrow something or even take something (they ask first) from my house,  and I don't really care, unless it were some favorite item that I use often. But if we even dared to touch something in my mother's house, she'd have pitched a fit, even if it's not something she cares about or uses.

But I reached my emotional limit when the house was being cleared out and people were asking her for things they wanted and assuming they could have them. This time though, I was not so tolerant of not being considered and so I spoke up for some of them.

It was an odd experience packing up items I didn't even know existed- how could I have wanted something I didn't know was there to want. The whole time of growing up in this family- she didn't even show them to us- that is how "guarded" they were.

Yet, in general, sharing has brought a lot of joy for me. Perhaps the difference is the dynamics of the relationship.

[Mommydoc]

Hi friends, I thought I would update you all. I am about halfway through my vacation. It has been glorious. My husband and I are in a place that is very beautiful and special to us,  that holds many special memories. We have been hiking and cycling and out in nature. It’s all good.

Yesterday the facility Director let me know my sister has arrived. I knew she would but not exactly when. I saw my mom 4 days ago when I was in between the first and second leg of my vacation. I never responded to her last message. I felt like it was circular and I had told her everything I needed to share. In retrospect, I believe she had clear plans and was just trying to “draw out my plans”. My mom concurrently developed some mild medical issues which are being addressed appropriately by her doctor and hospice.  My sister apparently told the caregivers that she was going to have to check my mother out of the facility because she is losing weight and not getting good care. (My mom’s caregiver actually texted me a video of her eating a sandwich herself and said she was doing well). I spoke with both the Hospice Director and the Facility Director today and thanked them both for making me aware and also reassuring them that they were doing a great job with my moms care. I asked them not to let my sister know that they had shared her comments with me. I believe she may be testing them to see if they will tell me, with hopes of me engaging with her. I guess nothing surprises me at this point. I am a half cup full person, but since my sister has attempted this before, I have had always known she might try it again. If she did try, I don’t think she would be successful, but even attempting to do so without my input and consent as HCPOA would be grounds for removing her as a Co Trustee. I haven’t wanted to do that even though my attorney has asked me to consider it previously.  I had such a wonderful day today, and honestly feel so disconnected from it. Like I am absolutely here in this amazing space place for a reason. It is disappointing that she has to create all this stress on my moms care team.  I have confidence that my mom is safe, and that her facility, the hospice team and God will assure her safety.

My guess is since she knows I am driving distance from home, this is her another manipulation to see if I will “engage with her” and come home. No way!

Hospice feels my mom is fine and I should not return. So that is the plan.

[zachira]

Glad you are enjoying your vacation. You seem to really get your sister now and have become very skilled in dealing with her manipulations. As far as removing her as Co Trustee, you might ask your lawyer what your chances are of succeeding, and how long it could take. I am guessing that when your mother is gone, you will want to wrap up the Trust ASAP to be done once and for all with your sister having any real power to upset you and to fully enjoy your retirement. From my experiences, with legal matters there is no such thing as planning too far ahead. 

[Methuen]

H and I both have a disordered sibling. There's a behavioral term in dog training called resource guarding.

Our siblings do this.

They aggress when they sense a resource requires guarding. Something or someone is threatening to take away a scarce resource.

What's been so confusing for me is that at times I've been the resource my sibling guarded. Mostly, though, my sibling has guarded my parents as resources. He's even tried to guard my attention, making me focus on something just to make sure he has it.

Anything can be a resource worth guarding if it can be taken away. Guarding looks and feels like aggression.

This is so interesting.

I like your T.  S/he sounds like a good one.  

We went on a trip over a year ago where we were gone a few weeks.  My mom talked incessantly to her friends about how hard it was going to be for her, so they of course all stepped up to spend more time helping her with groceries and appointments etc.  While we were away, I bought a case of chocolate covered macadamia nuts to give a box to each of her friends.  

When we got back from our trip,  my mom saw me give a box to the first friend.  When we were alone later she attacked me and forbade me to give away any more gifts to her friends.  

This resourse guarding idea fits.  She was guarding her friends.

The rest of the boxes are still in my basement and have probably expired.  

I had only wanted to express my gratitude to them with a concrete gesture.

I can think of many examples where this idea of resource guarding fits.  

This feels like finding another piece to fit the puzzle.  

It’s just such a big puzzle, and very much unsolvable.

[Notwendy]

I gave a small gift to a woman in assisted living who has been helpful to my mother. She mentioned something to my mother who then called me up angry that I didn’t tell her about it. It just didn’t occur to me to mention it. I brought some nice things for my mother too.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Mommydoc !

I've followed your post, but didn't have anything to add, really. I did want to wish you a wonderful second part of vacation !

I think it's ok to rely on your mother's care team too, they are professional and it's likely not their first rodeo, dealing with someone like your sister.

And I am very happy for you that you are able to enjoy your vacation despite her shenanigans. Living in drama and hate is a choice she made for herself, and you don't have to carry it with her. You have a right to peace, and it is a good thing that you are able to remain connected to this calm and faithful part of you while she tries to "shake the ground" around you.

 

[Mommydoc]

Hi Friends,
I have been struggling…. I am in my final 2 week stretch before retirement and my mother has continued to decline.  She has been up and down since my return from vacation a month ago.  I have stayed very low contact with my sister since returning, but I did agree to a face time on Mothers Day.   

I posted on the Mothers Day string, about how important this “last” Mothers Day was, and I hate that my sister was able to manipulate and make me feel so much anxiety.  My husband was with me, and my sister behaved, but there were some very manipulative things I just chose to ignore. And I chose to focus on my mom and giving her the gift of a FaceTime with her daughters on Mothers Day. 

My mom’s doctor announced while I was away that she is moving.  She has been an anchor for me, by providing objective updates to my sister and helping me maintain my boundaries.  Now she is gone and I feel incredibly vulnerable.  My sister is also witnessing my mom’s decline and she is amplifying.  She continues to text ( not realizing she is blocked) and when I update her by email demanding a phone meeting to “plan” end of life.   We honestly have done everything we need to do.  My lawyer is filing the trust accounting next week.  She will blow up again. 

Everything, ( except my nuclear family, and my husband as my rock), is shifting under me.  The transition in my professional identity after 35 years as a physician and 25 years as a leader, the imminent loss of my last parent, and with that the likely true end of any relationship with my sister.   

I re read the string and livednlearned’s comments on resource guarding are definitely in play. 

I am not opposed to meeting with her, if there are others there to  help me “ stay safe” psychologically.  I am contemplating reaching out to the SW ( who apparently my sister talks to weekly…) for advice and to see if she and the hospice team might help facilitate. 

Need support and advice. 

[livednlearned]

Mommydoc,

This will probably be a time in your life when you look back and wonder how you landed this plane. It is a lot to go through, leaving a very challenging occupation so connected to identity to a very different kind of life and existence.

I wonder with your mom if you can have a personal, private ceremony with loved ones to grieve your mother's end of life. Or hold one by yourself, for you. I am not a sentimental person but I have learned over the years how important it is to feel resolution, to allow yourself to feel peace. Or to mark an important moment with ceremony, with loved ones, on your terms.

Since you cannot have this with your sister, is there something different you can do to gift yourself this?

In my experience, it is more powerful with loved ones present because there are emotions mingle and make the moment that much more tangible.

Same for your retirement.

It might make it feel like your sister is getting in the way of something if you have a bit of agency over how you grieve or mark the loss of a long career.

Your sibling can make a mountain out of a molehill and create drama where there doesn't need to be any, but you can process these transitions on your own terms.

H and I decided to not have a wedding. We could not imagine our families coming together without making the day miserable for us. It took me by surprise how powerful it was just to say our vows. That alone marked an emotional moment that created the vulnerability needed so that our emotions flowed more freely. It was safe, and it was ours alone. No drama, no distractions, just us.

I hope for you something similar that allows you to feel some peace. It won't change how your sister behaves as your mom declines but it might change how you feel going through these next weeks and months.

 

[Methuen]

This will probably be a time in your life when you look back and wonder how you landed this plane.

This. Oh my.  Humour can be the best medicine.  

In my experience, the very worst time is the waiting, the knowing it's coming, the early transitory phase just prior to the event(s).  It's the anxiety of knowing what is coming. Once "it" comes, we just "do".  To hang on LNL's metaphor, maybe we go on autopilot? That isn't to say it's without emotion or feeling, but once we're "in it", we "say and do" in the moment, based on a lifetime of training experience.

After all that is over, life is going to get better. Right now you are grieving for your mom, your career, and your sister. That is a lot to hit anyone at once.  

I have two thoughts of encouragement to share:
1) This is a temporary phase.  Personally, whilst I am in the eye of the hurricane, it always helps me to hear that because I am too wrapped up in the chaos to rationally think of it myself. It's a grounding thought.

2) Back to basics.  Whatever you have so successfully done all your life to manage those stressful situations and periods in your roles as doctor, hospital admin, mother, wife and every other role you've ever held... now is a good time to practice those stress management skills where you were "doing for others" but in the context of your own personal wellness in this moment.  You've spent an entire lifetime making a career out of looking after others.  Maybe this transition phase is a good time to be super kind to yourself.
Back to basics: Swimming?  Nature?  A Zen center?  Faith?  Deep breathing?  Sleep?

Lastly, I'm guessing you've already done this, but have a plan for something very special you look forward to doing when this is all over.  It could be big or small.  Doesn't matter.  But it should be something which you can focus on which is grounding during this time of anxiety and anticipating what knowns and unknowns are coming.  This is a rough time.  But this too shall pass.

And the phase following holds extraordinary potential for many exciting new and wonderful opportunities to come.

 

[Mommydoc]

Thank you Methuen and livednlearned, the support is so appreciated.  The professional stuff is quite positive, with some unexpected highs and lows, as I am choosing to retire to spend more time with my mom.  The irony that she likely has very little time left as I approach this transition is not lost on me, but it is allowing me to focus more on her already.  I am excited about this change.  More than ever, I am turning my attention inward and paying attention to my own emotions.  Like you said I have spent my life and am good at focusing on everyone else’s.   And what I notice is that my emotions are all over the place…and given all the change, it is hard to feel grounded.  I can be really happy, joyful, grateful in one moment and minor set back with my mom or a sharp message from my sister, takes me to a low place, sad, tearful, and scared.  I have worked really hard to have confidence in myself and my boundaries.  My sister never respects any boundaries and I had begun to feel comfortable in firmly reinforcing them. But somehow, I don’t have as much confidence in that right now.  I feel like I have lost some of my armour.

My husband and I canceled our last international trip and committed to only trips that I could quickly return from until my mom has passed. There is a lot of comfort in this.  We have a number of fun short and close trips planned, and I have a number of things planned in the weeks following my retirement.  I plan to rejoin a gym with an amazing pool, that I can ride my bike to regularly.  I have a lot of creative projects planned as well health and wellness things I want to pursue.  I plan to spend a lot of time outdoors and set aside time daily for meditation, journaling and reflection. 

The plane analogy is a good one.  I know I can land this plane.  I know there will be turbulence but I also know where I will seek support in the journey.   I know that when my father died, I had no idea what BPD was, I didn’t expect or see the dysregulation coming and I allowed myself to be gaslighted and seriously abused.  I excused my sister’s behavior as complex grief and didn’t know how to reinforce my boundaries.  I am so much more aware, so much more prepared, and so much better at separating her feelings and accusations from my own feelings. Most of all, I know that my feelings are also important and it is my job to experience them, deal with them and grow through them.  It might be necessary if I get overwhelmed  “to get through it” to go on “autopilot” but I also want to make sure I am not suppressing my feelings in the process, just to placate my sister.  I overused that coping mechanism sometimes in the past. 

Methuen, the temporary nature of this is the thing that makes it the easiest. My daughter wisely told me the only good thing about my mom passing will be finally being able to separate more definitively from my sister.   I know that path will likely be very ugly, but it is my only path.   Getting closer to that in a weird way is comforting.   Last week I had, three “ lasts” at work.  In the coming two weeks there are 3 separate retirement celebrations ( for different groups), but they will all be part of the closure. 

Livednlearned I like the idea of a private ceremony for my immediate family to mourn my mom for my personal closure.   I plan to let my sister make all the “official” plans and to agree to anything within reason for my mom’s services.  She of course will not be within reason, but that is OK too.  I know I can get through it. 

And Methuen as you said

the phase following holds extraordinary potential for many exciting new and wonderful opportunities to come.

Thank you for the encouragement!   

[Notwendy]

Hugs to you Mommydoc- I don't have advice other than to reiterate to be good to yourself. While you have been in "doctor mode" directing the care of your mother, you are her daughter. You've been the one providing care for people in need- but at this time, emotionally, you are her daughter- and it's OK if you feel sad and powerless.

My father's passing was emotionally difficult even after a long period of decline. It was a difficult loss. What surprised me was an odd sense of relief along with the grief. A main reason that I tolerated BPD mother's behavior was because of my father. I wanted his approval. Complying with BPD mother was both his expectation and hers. I could now make my own decisions about a relationship with her, without the fear of how it would impact my relationship with him- a relationship that I think probably mattered more to me than to him but I still had hope that it did.

I didn't go NC with BPD mother- due to her age and being widowed and also because I felt NC was the better one, but now, I felt the relationship was more of a choice. I could have boundaries, I could choose to not tolerate her being emotionally and verbally abusive. It's different for you because, your sister isn't alone, she isn't elderly. She has a husband and children.  For your sister, she has her own family. You have no obligation to meet her needs.

Whatever decision you make about your relationship with your sister- it won't change her BPD. It's my mother's BPD that affects every relationship. Same with your sister. So make the decision based on what feels best for you. By best, I don't mean you will feel completely OK with it, because limiting contact with a family member isn't what anyone wants to do, but it could be what is needed.

[Mommydoc]

Thank you all for your continued support… it continues to be an emotional rollercoaster.  This week has been harder than I expected.  I figured that by now my “successor” would be pretty much steering the ship, but she got COVID and has been out/working from home.  I also got sick around the same time, but am COVID negative and so I have needed to hold down the fort and continued at a pace that is more than I had hoped at this point.   My work transition has been really up and down and much more draining than I expected given some unusual circumstances. It will pass and then it will all be in my past.  I am so looking forward to that.  I know I will get through it. 

My mother has been up and down, but continuing to decline.  My sister has been spiraling the last few days in reaction.  I am trying not to get pulled in, but I am empathetic to how she feels and trying to figure out how to get the hospice team to support her.  She is demanding a meeting to “plan” end of life.   There is really nothing else to plan, she is just trying to pull me in.   Hospice has given me some insights on why she is so panicked but they are also walking on eggshells.  Last week she met with financial advisor and today with the facility director, and raged at both of them, making completely unfounded accusations.  All I can do is empathize with them, share that it is not them, it’s her, and encourage them to set boundaries.  I signed off on the trust accounting today, which my attorney will send to her, and even thought it is a factual document, the fact that it is coming from my lawyer, will take her further in her spiral.   

My daughter is flying in tonight for a retirement party this weekend and I am super excited to be able to celebrate with my team and my family.   There is a light on the other side,  I truly see it, but the current moments are hard.   

[Methuen]

it continues to be an emotional rollercoaster.  This week has been harder than I expected...My daughter is flying in tonight for a retirement party this weekend and I am super excited to be able to celebrate with my team and my family.   There is a light on the other side,  I truly see it, but the current moments are hard.   

This sounds like you are staying in your lane, hands on the wheel, eyes in front and peripheral vision keenly attuned.  You've got this.

[Notwendy]

Congrats on your retirement.

When my father's health declined, my BPD mother's behavior escalated. This is stressful to anyone and since the BPD behaviors are a coping mechanism, it makes sense that they would increase.

At the same time, you are going through your own feelings at this time. I think that added to the difficulty. I was going through my own grief while BPD mother was spiraling.

I recall just losing it with her, actually screaming at her. Not something I'd ordinarily do. In our family dynamics, her children were the ones who were supposed to be the support for her- to tolerate her behavior, to comfort her. But what about us?

I recall saying to her "I lost a father" and her reply was "well I lost a husband". Not that we expected her to be comforting to us but she didn't even seem to be aware that we might have had feelings about the situation too.

I am sharing this to remind you that you too are important and you are going through something very difficult. You are probably so used to taking care of other people, including your sister.

Don't expect her to be considerate of what you are experiencing. If she does, let it be a surprise but it's not likely, especially since she's got her own feelings to deal with. If she also has financial concerns, this will be on her mind as well.

Did you ever take water safety classes? One of the lessons we had was how to assist a person in distress and how to help them without allowing them to drag you under the water. They don't want to hurt you, but they are frantic, and might grab on to you. The lessons are about how to keep yourself safe while helping. I think it's a good metaphor. Take care of yourself, keep yourself emotionally intact.