The hardest part is still caring.

[MN_Dude]

The hardest part for me is that I still care about her. She’s not around, she’s across the country with her ex. I don’t think it’s possible for me to not care for her. Thats not how im wired. I would always care for my own worst enemy if they threatened and talked about suicide. No matter who she is with, or who I am with in the future Im still going to care. It’s so hard not to break no contact after some of the stuff she told me. I just want to know how she’s doing, and even if she for some reason doesnt care for me anymore, I still do. It kills me to love even from a distance. I know how she struggles. I dont follow her anymore but from what I have heard from a friend, she looks to be doing well. Posting photos with her ex everywhere and doing the things she loves. I know I cannot fix her, especially when she refuses to get help. And the saddest part is she cannot afford help. No matter what people say in here she is not a monster. She’s someone who deserves more, and can strive for more.

[OKrunch]

SHE has to be the one to make that realization.
Anything you do to reach out right now will be viewd as "not being able to move on" "Stalking" etc.

Trust me man, your post very very much describes how i feel everyday
Cognitive dissonance is a big hurdle to clear

[kells76]

she is not a monster. She’s someone who deserves more, and can strive for more.

I think that's one of the greatest tragedies of BPD -- what that person could be, or could have been. We see glimpses of it, sometimes, which can make it even harder. It's incredibly powerful when you look inside yourself and realize -- what I want for this person isn't that they "drop dead" or that they "quit making my life miserable" or whatever; what I want for this person is to be healed and un-broken.

What do you think it would be like -- how do you think you would feel -- if you could believe that you were one stepping stone on her journey, and that even though you weren't the person who helped her "have the breakthrough", you did what you could, with what you had, at that time -- "failures" included -- and that was exactly your role, exactly what she needed right then?

Although you may never know in the way that you want to know, you will have played a part in making her who she is, and it will have had meaning. I think I'm agreeing with you when I say that her life is not meaningless, no matter how shattered -- or how perfect -- it looks on the outside.

Would it give you any peace to know that you did exactly what you needed to do in her life? Even the "screw ups"? I mean, think of yourself, and I'm thinking of me -- we don't need "perfect" people in our lives. We need real people, that's how we grow. Could you say that about yourself -- "I wasn't perfect in her life, because nobody is. I was real, though"?

I don't know why, yet, it's part of your journey that you still care for her so deeply. I suspect that over time, it may become more clear. What do you think that feeling could be trying to tell you?

...

Glad you're still sharing and opening up. We'll be here for you.

[cranmango]

kells—your words are very powerful. I needed to hear that. Thank you for sharing.

[MN_Dude]

I think that's one of the greatest tragedies of BPD -- what that person could be, or could have been. We see glimpses of it, sometimes, which can make it even harder. It's incredibly powerful when you look inside yourself and realize -- what I want for this person isn't that they "drop dead" or that they "quit making my life miserable" or whatever; what I want for this person is to be healed and un-broken.

What do you think it would be like -- how do you think you would feel -- if you could believe that you were one stepping stone on her journey, and that even though you weren't the person who helped her "have the breakthrough", you did what you could, with what you had, at that time -- "failures" included -- and that was exactly your role, exactly what she needed right then?

Although you may never know in the way that you want to know, you will have played a part in making her who she is, and it will have had meaning. I think I'm agreeing with you when I say that her life is not meaningless, no matter how shattered -- or how perfect -- it looks on the outside.

Would it give you any peace to know that you did exactly what you needed to do in her life? Even the "screw ups"? I mean, think of yourself, and I'm thinking of me -- we don't need "perfect" people in our lives. We need real people, that's how we grow. Could you say that about yourself -- "I wasn't perfect in her life, because nobody is. I was real, though"?

I don't know why, yet, it's part of your journey that you still care for her so deeply. I suspect that over time, it may become more clear. What do you think that feeling could be trying to tell you?

...

Glad you're still sharing and opening up. We'll be here for you.

Thank you very much for this. This is pretty much exactly what I told her when she left. I didnt call her names. I didnt get angry. Sure I was sad, but I didnt try to get her to stay. All I did was try to get MY feelings out even if she would not tell me hers. I told her, no matter where she goes, no matter where shes at, Im always going to care. I will always show her love. Im always a phone call or message away. I hope I made an impact on her. I hope she is able to get help someday. My story isnt the same as other in here. She never called me names, or physically abused me. Sure, she mentally abused me with the suicidal threats, making her out to be the victim, saying she wouldnt be like this if she hadnt met me, and those words will stick me with me forever, weather i like it or not, and I wish she would understand that and try to calm my mind even if shes with someone else. But at the end of the day she is deeply troubled but that does not mean I do not want her alive, that does not mean I wont show her love when she needs it even if thats non romantic love. NOBODY deserves that, even my worst enemy.

Jeez that made me tear up just writing this. Sometimes I hate myself for caring as much as I do.

[tina7868]

Jeez that made me tear up just writing this. Sometimes I hate myself for caring as much as I do.

Reading what you wrote touched me too. On the contrary, caring as much as you do is a wonderful part of you. Some people aren't so lucky, they are eternally guarded and jaded. You can embrace this side of you, accept your feelings as they are, and at this time return some of those feelings of care and love towards yourself.

[MN_Dude]

Reading what you wrote touched me too. On the contrary, caring as much as you do is a wonderful part of you. Some people aren't so lucky, they are eternally guarded and jaded. You can embrace this side of you, accept your feelings as they are, and at this time return some of those feelings of care and love towards yourself.

Thank you. As much as her words hurt me deeply, its hard to let go when I KNOW that she is better than this. Shes smart, good looking, and adventurous, and deserves more than she thinks she capable of. Almost like she thought I was too good for her and she just wants to be a bum. But her words "Nobody ever cares as much as they say they do" Stings. Cause thats exactly how she treated me at the end.

[OKrunch]

Thank you. As much as her words hurt me deeply, its hard to let go when I KNOW that she is better than this. Shes smart, good looking, and adventurous, and deserves more than she thinks she capable of. Almost like she thought I was too good for her and she just wants to be a bum. But her words "Nobody ever cares as much as they say they do" Stings. Cause thats exactly how she treated me at the end.

this is the lifelong expectation of what love produces in the mind of someone abused as a child.

[MN_Dude]

this is the lifelong expectation of what love produces in the mind of someone abused as a child.

Sometimes the urge to text her that is so high.

[SinisterComplex]

Sometimes the urge to text her that is so high.

In time that urge will fade away. Trust me we all get it here. We have all been there. Just don't get caught up in the idea that you are on a timeline or that you have to meet a deadline. Also, do not compare with anyone else. Just focus on YOU and focus on healing and moving forward.

Truly please be kind to YOU and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[tina7868]

Just don't get caught up in the idea that you are on a timeline or that you have to meet a deadline. Also, do not compare with anyone else. Just focus on YOU and focus on healing and moving forward.

This concept is so freeing, thank you for writing this.

Sometimes the urge to text her that is so high.

I can definitely relate to feeling an urge to reach out. What helps for me is getting very clear on why I choose not to reach out (because it is a choice!).

What are your reasons for not reaching out? What values do you have that you base your actions on?

[MN_Dude]

What are your reasons for not reaching out? What values do you have that you base your actions on?

I guess the biggest reason is she never said goodbye to me. That part stings me everyday too. If I reach out I dont want to anger her, but at the other time I dont want her to think I hate her. Its almost like If I werent alive anymore she would not care whatsoever.

[SinisterComplex]

I guess the biggest reason is she never said goodbye to me. That part stings me everyday too. If I reach out I dont want to anger her, but at the other time I dont want her to think I hate her. Its almost like If I werent alive anymore she would not care whatsoever.

The only part here where you have to let go of is the thought that you influence how she feels or thinks. You could have a good bye, you could talk again, etc guess what? She could still think and feel that you hate her...you literally have no control over that. So really your best course of action is to not worry about that and instead only focus on YOU moving forward and accept the what is.

You've shared how you think and how you feel here...that is enough. You do not need to converse with her. Sure you may want to, but that feeling will fade in time. You have to be kind to you and allow yourself to heal and you are doing that here. Little by little, step by step, brick by brick, day by day. Just keep your head up and strive to be balanced and let the ebb and flow happen. You are not going to magically just get over it or get better...hell no. It will take time, but you do have support to help you get through the rough patches.

We have your back here.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Don Gato]

   You had the misfortune of stepping on a Cluster B landmine, but it didn't kill you, and now you should at least have the knowledge to navigate them better in the dating world.
Seriously forget her, let the new guy be her FP problem. You are out of sight out of mind now. Don't make the same mistake I did and reach out. She could snap and accuse you of all sorts of paranoid things to make you life a living hell, even from another state.
She made up a fantasy in her head, and when it didn't line up anymore she tore up the script, and started again. If she's untreated she will do the same thing with him, then the next, and next, until her looks fade, and she gets old, and starts blame shifting to the typical jaded roastie Borderline "all men are bad" mantra. Remember they never take accountability, or responsibility in their own failed relationshi*s. Always the perpetual victims.

[Manic Miner]

@Don Gato,

That's hard. I want my (ex)W to be well, good and well cared for, just what @MN_Dude said. I don't want to see her suffer, she's been through a lot. She deserves better. In my eyes, she's a grownup child.
I cannot for the life of me say - I don't care what she does. Besides being a mother of our daughter, that would be as saying I don't care for my own or any child out there that I'm aware is suffering. I'm aware she's an adult, but mostly physically and job related. Emotionally, she's a child.

If I knew that she's at peace, doing whatever she likes but is happy and ok, I'd feel so much relieved.
The way I perceive this is - yes, she took me for granted for our last years. Yes she assaulted me several times in her tantrums and said worst kind of words and insults. Yes she couldn't be reasoned with during her episodes or accept any responsibility for her actions. It was always me. Yes we probably cannot live together anymore.
But it's her condition, not some kind of evil nature. We've been over 20y together and for many many years, ups and downs, we had a working relationship. The ride was bumpy, but our relationship had the innocence, sincerity and we were deeply in love. It was different then, she had way more responsibility for her behavior and wanted to get better. It pains me to this day what we lost and how this was lost.

@kells76 Some great words right there! Thank you  

[OKrunch]

@Don Gato,

That's hard. I want my (ex)W to be well, good and well cared for, just what @MN_Dude said. I don't want to see her suffer, she's been through a lot. She deserves better. In my eyes, she's a grownup child.
I cannot for the life of me say - I don't care what she does. Besides being a mother of our daughter, that would be as saying I don't care for my own or any child out there that I'm aware is suffering. I'm aware she's an adult, but mostly physically and job related. Emotionally, she's a child.

If I knew that she's at peace, doing whatever she likes but is happy and ok, I'd feel so much relieved.
The way I perceive this is - yes, she took me for granted for our last years. Yes she assaulted me several times in her tantrums and said worst kind of words and insults. Yes she couldn't be reasoned with during her episodes or accept any responsibility for her actions. It was always me. Yes we probably cannot live together anymore.
But it's her condition, not some kind of evil nature. We've been over 20y together and for many many years, ups and downs, we had a working relationship. The ride was bumpy, but our relationship had the innocence, sincerity and we were deeply in love. It was different then, she had way more responsibility for her behavior and wanted to get better. It pains me to this day what we lost and how this was lost.

@kells76 Some great words right there! Thank you  

Very very well said, I couldn't agree more, or have put the way it feels to love someone despite a disorder in better words.

[BurnedOnce]

@Don Gato,

That's hard. I want my (ex)W to be well, good and well cared for, just what @MN_Dude said. I don't want to see her suffer, she's been through a lot. She deserves better. In my eyes, she's a grownup child.
I cannot for the life of me say - I don't care what she does. Besides being a mother of our daughter, that would be as saying I don't care for my own or any child out there that I'm aware is suffering. I'm aware she's an adult, but mostly physically and job related. Emotionally, she's a child.

If I knew that she's at peace, doing whatever she likes but is happy and ok, I'd feel so much relieved.
The way I perceive this is - yes, she took me for granted for our last years. Yes she assaulted me several times in her tantrums and said worst kind of words and insults. Yes she couldn't be reasoned with during her episodes or accept any responsibility for her actions. It was always me. Yes we probably cannot live together anymore.
But it's her condition, not some kind of evil nature. We've been over 20y together and for many many years, ups and downs, we had a working relationship. The ride was bumpy, but our relationship had the innocence, sincerity and we were deeply in love. It was different then, she had way more responsibility for her behavior and wanted to get better. It pains me to this day what we lost and how this was lost.

@kells76 Some great words right there! Thank you  

This is a sentiment I'm able to relate to, strongly.

[ConflictedWalrus]

@Don Gato,

That's hard. I want my (ex)W to be well, good and well cared for, just what @MN_Dude said. I don't want to see her suffer, she's been through a lot. She deserves better. In my eyes, she's a grownup child.
I cannot for the life of me say - I don't care what she does. Besides being a mother of our daughter, that would be as saying I don't care for my own or any child out there that I'm aware is suffering. I'm aware she's an adult, but mostly physically and job related. Emotionally, she's a child.

If I knew that she's at peace, doing whatever she likes but is happy and ok, I'd feel so much relieved.
The way I perceive this is - yes, she took me for granted for our last years. Yes she assaulted me several times in her tantrums and said worst kind of words and insults. Yes she couldn't be reasoned with during her episodes or accept any responsibility for her actions. It was always me. Yes we probably cannot live together anymore.
But it's her condition, not some kind of evil nature. We've been over 20y together and for many many years, ups and downs, we had a working relationship. The ride was bumpy, but our relationship had the innocence, sincerity and we were deeply in love. It was different then, she had way more responsibility for her behavior and wanted to get better. It pains me to this day what we lost and how this was lost.

@kells76 Some great words right there! Thank you  

I'll echo those sentiments. I'm pretty fresh into what I have decided needs to be the final discard (served divorce papers two days ago). For all the hurt my uBPDstbxw put me through, I wish the best for her.

It's easy to demonize the BPD for the hardness of our hearts, but ultimately they are suffering worse than us. They deserve our utmost compassion, even if their condition makes it difficult to give and nigh impossible to receive at times.