I feel alone

[MustangLove]

My husband has been diagnosed with BPD. He has a son with his ex-wife. When we had been together for a few months he started a pattern of going back n forth between my house and his ex's house. The first time he went there he came back to me and admitted to me that he cheated on me with her. He claimed it wasn't really cheating in his eyes because he had left and had told me 2 hours prior to sleeping with her that he didn't want to be together anymore. Fast forward to now several months later and he is at her house to "see his son" and I am nauseous because I don't trust it and I've told him before I am uncomfortable with him going to her house.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is it even normal to go visit your child for several hours at your ex wife's house when you are married to someone else?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

No, you are not wrong to feel that way since he did cheat with her. Yes, it is cheating. He's married to you.

I think it depends on the child. If it's a clingy toddler, or a child with special needs such as autism who needs a constant environment, or special equipment at one parent's home,  that might be an arrangement but not all divorces, especially if BPD is involved are that amicable. Seems like these two are too amicable. Toddlers and some special needs children need constant supervision so the parents would not be able to go off by themselves.

If it's an older child, I'd consider his reason to be BS, IMHO.  Could be the older child is at a friends house, or watching TV, or playing video games while Dad and ex are "talking" upstairs.

The bottom line though, is that even if there was a good reason to visit at his ex's house, he cheated and now you can't trust him. The problem is, it's not possible to control someone else's behaviors, only your own. Sounds like this arrangement is not acceptable to you. You could ask him to make another arrangement to see his son, but he may or may not choose to comply with that. Your choice is what to do in this situation.

[Pook075]

I completely agree with NotWendy, cheating is cheating no matter how you spin it.

Side question, why don't you ask to visit his child with him?  That's your son in law and you should be a part of his life.  If he doesn't want that, then that's a massive red flag in itself.  Also, what are his custody rights?  If you guys never have the child, there's probably a good reason for that.  Maybe the child's mom has supervised visits.

My brother in law went through a similar divorce situation and I was surprised that his new wife talked to his ex-wife often.  But once I understood the dynamics, that they had to plan for drop-offs, weekends, etc. it made more sense.  Have you talked to his ex-wife at all about your new family and his child? 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, my heart breaks for anyone in this situation because everyone here has lived the same nightmare scenario.  Just keep your head up and focus on you, hopefully you can have an adult conversation soon about boundaries and what your expectations of marriage are.

[MustangLove]

His child is 15 months old and he is not special needs. I was not able to go with him yesterday because I had to be at work. He has no paperwork and says that he has no rights to his child. We have him the 1st and 3rd weekend of the month when the mother allows us to. But my BPD husband will bring him to my house and then whine that he cannot handle how his son stays up all night long and doesn't sleep through the night the way that my 17 month old son does. He often returns his son home early to the mother. Then as soon as his son is back with the mom my husband is complaining that he misses him and feels empty inside when his son is not around. I tried to talk to him the other day and explain that he is trying to fill a void in him and that no person is going to fill the void he feels. He only wants his son when he doesn't have him and he acts like he cannot handle him on his own without me or the ex to help. But he constantly talks about how he wants him more often. I'm at my wits end with the back n forth with him.

I told him last night that I was very hurt that he went to her house after I told him in the past that I am not comfortable with it. He claims he won't go there anymore that he will meet in public or not at all. We'll see.

[Notwendy]

I have a mother with BPD. She may want to be involved as a mother and grandmother- that is understandable to want that. But then there's the tasks of parenthood that goes along with that wanting and perhaps different expectations. It's said that parents with PD's perceive children as meeting their needs, but it's actually the other way around. A 15 month old child needs constant supervision and can not to much for themselves.

"Feeling empty" when he's not around the child. Yes it makes sense to miss one's child but the feeling empty is his own feelings and seeking out the child (or an affair) to make himself feel better is meeting his own needs, not the needs of the child.

The supervised visits make sense in this context. I didn't have my mother alone with my children (they are grown now). I didn't think she'd physically harm them, but also, she'd lose interest quickly, and doesn't have the emotional temperament to tolerate child behavior. Also, I didn't feel the kind of trust I'd need to leave her with them.

The problem is the behavior of the adults involved. Even if it is understandable that your H doesn't want to be with the child without someone helping him, and the mother feels she doesn't trust him alone with the child and needs to supervise, that doesn't excuse their behavior.

A "reason" for cheating could be legitimate- a business trip, working late- those may be legitimate work related reasons, or visiting a child can be legitimate reason,  but that doesn't make the cheating OK if it's not OK with you (and it isn't according to your posts).