Should I inform mother?

[zanyapple]

I recently had a miscarriage. I know no one is to blame, but a part of me also feels like I may not really be able to bear any more children because of the stress my own mother puts me through. Part of me wants to just keep it private, but at the same time, I keep thinking to tell my mother hoping that this will foster change in her and not create drama/add stress to my life.

I know, I know, nothing can really change her because she doesn't really recognize any wrongdoing of her own anyway. But I don't know why there are still times when I feel a little bit of hope. On the flip side, informing her may only really feed into her "woe is me" attitude thinking that I'm blaming her. Especially right now that her physical health is declining, the fact that I won't sponsor her immigration to the US to live with me "for the rest of her remaining years" (her words), she already is going through massive self-pity with her daughter opting not to take of her.

Any thoughts?

[zachira]

First of all, I want to offer my condolences on your miscarriage. It is so normal to want the support and empathy of our mother when we lose a child, even if the mother is disordered and has BPD. I think you know the answer and wish your mother would mourn with you on the loss of your baby instead of making it all about her feelings. Having a mother with BPD is a lifelong sorrow and one of the biggest sorrows is not having a mother we can count on when we most need her empathy and support. Who do you have in your inner circle who is able to support you while you mourn the loss of your child? We are here to listen and support you during this painful time.

[zanyapple]

First of all, I want to offer my condolences on your miscarriage. It is so normal to want the support and empathy of our mother when we lose a child, even if the mother is disordered and has BPD. I think you know the answer and wish your mother would mourn with you on the loss of your baby instead of making it all about her feelings. Having a mother with BPD is a lifelong sorrow and one of the biggest sorrows is not having a mother we can count on when we most need her empathy and support. Who do you have in your inner circle who is able to support you while you mourn the loss of your child? We are here to listen and support you during this painful time.

Thank you for your response. What I wish for her to have is empathy especially during this difficult time. I don't need for her to comfort me. Instead, I need for her to have some empathy so she doesn't have to bother me by handling her own emotions, plan for retirement, finances/savings for retirement, her issues with my dad, etc.

When she is upset at my dad or me, she is very strong-willed. For example, when planned on a smear campaign at my dad, she was quite resourceful in obtaining my dad's friends' phone numbers so she can reach out to them. I wish she had that willpower and resourcefulness when it comes to other aspects of her life, so I don't oftentimes have to think things for her. I know she is capable. When she is raging, she becomes very capable.

[Notwendy]

I second Zachira - so sorry for your loss.

I had a similar concern- had a miscarriage that began when I was visiting my parents at the time. Not to blame but I did wonder if this had anything to do with it. It turned out that was not the case and it was something just with that pregnancy.

If it is any consolation, emotional stress alone is not a usual cause. Please make an appointment with your doctor to get everything checked out. It's possible that you are fine and able to have a child. Still, a loss is a loss and while that doesn't diminish the loss, I hope that it will be reassuring for your other concerns.

I did not tell BPD mother as I knew it would not feel supportive to do so. I think your idea of telling her so that she might be more aware of her stress on you would not be effective. From her own victim perspective, she would not be accountable and would feel blamed and then just respond angrily. I agree with Zachira and seek out people who would be supportive of you. This is self care, and also it's self care to let your doctor check you. Take care-

[zanyapple]

Thank you, notwendy.

You’re right, everyone here is right. I don’t think I’ll feel supported if I told her. She might show some kind of support, but based on my past experiences with her, it’s typically temporary and as soon as she sees that “my life appears ok,” she will start back up again. Then we’re in the same emotional rollercoaster that she drives.

[Mommydoc]

Zanyapple, so sorry for your loss.  You deserve to heal and recover both emotionally and physically. When you are ready, please follow up with your OB/Gyn to better understand the reason for your pregnancy loss.   It will be important when you are ready again to see a perinatologist who specializes in high risk OB care.     Many women have healthy successful pregnancies following a miscarriage. I am hopeful for you.

I agree with NotWendy and Zachira.  Unless you recall times when your mother has been empathetic and supportive in times when you needed her, it is likely that telling her will become all about her and her “unmet” needs.  Hopefully you can find the empathy and support you deserve from your partner and others close to you who have capacity for empathy.

[zanyapple]

Zanyapple, so sorry for your loss.  You deserve to heal and recover both emotionally and physically. When you are ready, please follow up with your OB/Gyn to better understand the reason for your pregnancy loss.   It will be important when you are ready again to see a perinatologist who specializes in high risk OB care.     Many women have healthy successful pregnancies following a miscarriage. I am hopeful for you.

I agree with NotWendy and Zachira.  Unless you recall times when your mother has been empathetic and supportive in times when you needed her, it is likely that telling her will become all about her and her “unmet” needs.  Hopefully you can find the empathy and support you deserve from your partner and others close to you who have capacity for empathy.

Thank you, Mommydoc for the kind words.

It's really largely because of my age. When my daughter was born 6 years ago, she was colicky, so we decided were one and done for a while. But just the past year, we decided that we'd be happy to have another, but unfortunately, the ship may have already sailed for me. We had 3 failed IUI cycles. Decided not to move on to IVF because of costs, but even the IUIs were expensive! We decided to "stop thinking about trying" and I got pregnant naturally immediately after! Was super excited about it after hearing its heartbeat at 6 weeks, but unfortunately, it stopped developing and suddenly was no longer viable; heart stopped beating at around 8 weeks ;(

I just wished my mother would at least try to be strong on her own. She has been asking if I could sponsor her to come live with us in the US for "the remaining years in her life." She thinks my dad is emotionally and verbally abusive towards her, but I know for a fact that oftentimes, she instigates it. Or my dad has really just been fed up over years of unhappiness with her, just like how I sometimes snap at her over little things.

She thinks that her life will be ok if she is close to me because according to her, "me and my daughter are her only family." In her eyes, my husband, who is Caucasian, is the only one that's hindering her coming over to live with me because "Americans have a very different culture." Even though MANY TIMES, I've told her that I am the one who has made this decision. No matter how many times I've told her, she explicitly told me she thinks "my reasoning is invalid because culturally, we are not like this. She may not have been the perfect mother, but at the end of the day, she is still my mother." She thinks that because of her age and decline in health, that I should be more tolerant of her.

To me, that statement about my husband alone is very divisive. If she comes to live with me, I know it will be worse and she will only ruin my life and my family. She told me that she is a changed person now, but I really don't know what this means. I've never heard her admit to any of her wrongdoing, so how does she know what to change to begin with.

TBH, I really feel bad for her. I feel bad that she feels alone. I feel bad that she doesn't know what to do if my dad passes first. Sometimes, I blame myself for my miscarriage. Maybe if I were more kind/tolerant towards my own mother, none of this would have happened... maybe I'm being punished. I just feel very conflicted right now : ((

[Methuen]

Hi Zanyapple,

I echo others here in sending condolences for your loss.  This is really difficult, and I feel for you. I’m trying to put myself in the situation you described, and it’s just got to be so hard.

If she didn’t know you were pregnant, I would not tell her.  It would be more likely to boomerang back at you and distress you even more. I don’t believe a pwBPD has the capacity to show the grace and empathy - better to find it from safer sources.

Be kind to yourself with self care.  You deserve it.

[zanyapple]

Hi Zanyapple,

I echo others here in sending condolences for your loss.  This is really difficult, and I feel for you. I’m trying to put myself in the situation you described, and it’s just got to be so hard.

If she didn’t know you were pregnant, I would not tell her.  It would be more likely to boomerang back at you and distress you even more. I don’t believe a pwBPD has the capacity to show the grace and empathy - better to find it from safer sources.

Be kind to yourself with self care.  You deserve it.

Thank you, Methuen. Yes, I didn’t tell her. You’re right, it can very possibly boomerang on me like many of the personal stuff I’ve shared with her in the past have.

Sometimes, I just feel like I may have been punished. We find out that the heartbeat had disappeared right around my mother’s birthday.

In our last conversation, she has asked for forgiveness - “I’m sorry for the things I’ve done. I may not have been the best mother, but I’m still your mother.”

I want to forgive, but I think her definition of that is me sponsoring her to the US to come live with me. I just couldn’t do that. If I could afford to buy her a small house, I’d probably do that, but I really cannot have her live with me.

[Notwendy]

I can understand your fear of being punished somehow. I also related the miscarriage to the events around it. My Dad was ill at the time and I decided to take him out in his wheelchair to get some fresh air. So this time, I thought- did that cause it? Did I overdo it? I think it's normal that we attach our own reason to these events. As it turned out, what happened had nothing to do with what I did physically, that early on in the pregnancy.

I hope that you will talk to your doctor and be reassured that you are not being punished for what happened.   

[zachira]

There are important differences between forgiveness and acceptance.For many people, it only makes sense to forgive a person who has changed their behaviors for the better and who has genuinely apologized for their misbehaviors. Acceptance is often understood to mean no longer letting what another person does or has done to hurt you be a main focus as you continue to find ways to being at peace with yourself most of the time. It seems you feel you cannot forgive your mother because you know that underlying her excuses are her ongoing manipulations to get you to let her move in with you which would be an absolute nightmare for you.
Many members here are very sad that they cannot help their mother with BPD in the ways others with loving relationships with their mother can, because being close with their mother means being abused and disrespected, with the abuses continuing to escalate. My mother with BPD is deceased. I still long to have had a mother who I appreciated and loved, who I could have helped in her old age. I am sad that I could not be with my mother very much in her last years on earth because of how detrimental it was to my mental health to be around her.

[Notwendy]

I won't bring my mother to be near me either. I know this upsets her and she's not happy about it. However, she is also emotionally and verbally abusive. Please know though that even as much as we are not comfortable with this, but do it because we feel we need to, it did not cause your loss.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Zanyapple,

I'm sorry for your loss. I've experienced one three years ago and I remember the feeling all too well. I also remember telling my husband I didn't want us to try again. I realize now part of it was me gaslighting my own pain, because I believed one shouldn't grieve a miscarriage. I felt the pain, and kept feeling ashamed I even felt hurt by something so "common" and "natural". But it does hurt. And it is a loss. And I am sorry you are experiencing this, and I hope you have people you love and that love you supporting you through this.

As for your question regarding your mother ... My mother works the other around. She hurt me during happy events in my life. When I first told her I was pregnant, her first reaction was : "ho really... Well I hope nothing will happen." When my son was born : "your daughter must feel so abandoned, this is terrible for her, I can't imagine how sad she must be." ... My mother doesn't push me down when I am already down though but she also won't comfort me in bad times. And she will make good times bad.

All this to say : she might not push you down, she might not use it against you either, but if she is anything like mine, she also won't support you through this... Share it with people you trust, people who can actually be empathetic and help carry you through this.

Sending love and support your way. 

[zanyapple]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies and for sharing your experiences. While I have my husband's and friends' support, a part of me feels alone going through this.

Yesterday was when the actual miscarriaging happened. It was very heartbreaking. I kept crying the whole day. Since we found out about the miscarriage, I also found myself just crying at random parts during the day, at work, even in the middle of meetings. Good thing our meetings our virtual, so my teary eyes aren't too obvious. It's honestly been quite challenging to function and just do normal, every day things.

And for whatever reason, my mother always shows her face at the peak of very difficult moments in my life. I only really reach out to her when I need to talk to her about something important, but she called me yesterday right when I was laying in bed waiting for my body to expel the fetus. It's almost like the devil knows to show its face in dire situations... and perfectly time it.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you all for your wonderful replies and for sharing your experiences. While I have my husband's and friends' support, a part of me feels alone going through this.

Yesterday was when the actual miscarriaging happened. It was very heartbreaking. I kept crying the whole day. Since we found out about the miscarriage, I also found myself just crying at random parts during the day, at work, even in the middle of meetings. Good thing our meetings our virtual, so my teary eyes aren't too obvious. It's honestly been quite challenging to function and just do normal, every day things.

And for whatever reason, my mother always shows her face at the peak of very difficult moments in my life. I only really reach out to her when I need to talk to her about something important, but she called me yesterday right when I was laying in bed waiting for my body to expel the fetus. It's almost like the devil knows to show its face in dire situations... and perfectly time it.

I personally don't believe in coincidences and I do think the link between parent and child cannot be completely broken. I can sense my children, not only physically but intuitively. The same is true for our parents and us. If she always shows her face in those moments, it's likely because she senses something is happening. Just some thoughts... Not saying it's good or bad here, just saying... as distant as we try to be, there is an invisible bond we can likely never break.

I am sorry... This is hard. It's also not something we discuss openly... how it happens. It is scary. It is painful, both physically and emotionally. How about taking some vacation from work and focus on yourself for a bit? Give yourself some time to grieve.

It's natural to feel alone through this, but you are not. I think it's natural to want to retreat, you know? We all do this. Any hurting mother will tend to isolate themselves... I don't know why, but we see this in nature. And it's ok. Take some time for yourself if you need it. Sometimes, we don't want to talk either. We just want to be left alone for a while...

Also, while the loss and emotional pain is very real, there is also all the hormonal shifts worsening the situation for you here... The best advice I can give you is : rest and take some time to process it...

I planted a tree when it happened to me. I moved away since then, so I won't get to see it grow, but it was important for me to make a tribute to him/her. My rational brain can tell me all it wants about how it wasn't a person yet, or how natural it is... My heart needed to say goodbye to the idea already had of this baby coming my way. And so I allowed myself some time to say a proper goodbye. And so... We do not all process things the same way, but just an idea to maybe help you through.

[zanyapple]

I personally don't believe in coincidences and I do think the link between parent and child cannot be completely broken. I can sense my children, not only physically but intuitively. The same is true for our parents and us. If she always shows her face in those moments, it's likely because she senses something is happening. Just some thoughts... Not saying it's good or bad here, just saying... as distant as we try to be, there is an invisible bond we can likely never break.

Thank you, Riv3rW0lf. I wholeheartedly agree with this. I know this is very true for me too. But it's a terrifying thought. Because if it were a loving and nurturing relationship, you would think that's when the invisible bond forms, but for it to also exist for relationships that are the opposite, it's quite terrifying to think about. It's almost like a demon following your around, kinda like in horror movies.

My rational brain can tell me all it wants about how it wasn't a person yet, or how natural it is... My heart needed to say goodbye to the idea already had of this baby coming my way.

This is very true too. Because of my age, I was very cautious this time. I always have been, but a little extra this time. Only my husband and I knew. Because of my age, I didn't want to get too excited because of what they tell you about it statistically. Even then, nothing really prepares you for it.

Yes, I think I might go on a little trip one of these days when I'm ready. Right now, I just feel like.. I don't know, just be alone in my thoughts.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you, Riv3rW0lf. I wholeheartedly agree with this. I know this is very true for me too. But it's a terrifying thought. Because if it were a loving and nurturing relationship, you would think that's when the invisible bond forms, but for it to also exist for relationships that are the opposite, it's quite terrifying to think about. It's almost like a demon following your around, kinda like in horror movies.

Your last sentence made me smile. If it helps, I only mentioned the parent-child invisible bond, but the past few weeks and a particular relationship showed me this bond seems to exist with many people with whom we share an emotional connection, so it includes all the angels around you too. Maybe they just don't listen to their intuition as much as our BPD mother.

I found my BPD mother is highly intuitive, like a compensation for her lack of rationality. And she acts on it all the time, because she never questions what she feels, for better or worst.

Take care of yourself, whatever your decision is, now is a time to put yourself first for a bit

[Notwendy]

Condolences on your loss. Please take care of yourself.