My Personal Hell

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hello all, to start I want to say I stumbled on this forum doing research about my ex fiancés BPD, all of your posts have been a huge help. it doesn't ease your suffering, just know your experience, strength, and hope have really helped a fellow survivor. I met my now ex BPD fiancee via a dating app in September 2021. Red flag right away, her profile said something about " a ton of baggage". I have a past of my own, so I figured I had no room to judge. Our first conversation, we aired most of it out. This girl had been through horrible, horrible things. right then and there I was struck with how much of a beautiful soul I thought she had, for someone that had gone through unspeakable horrors. I believe it was that first phone conversation, she warned me. "everyone always leaves me, or I always end up pushing them away. little did I know how much she knew herself. she had 2 young children by 2 different fathers, neither of which were in the picture. at this point, I decided I would pursue this. I thought she was an amazing girl that had just been dealt a bad hand in life. several days later after her kids were asleep, we met at her house to hook up. little did I know that night was the best sex we would ever have. several days later, she had sent me a Facebook message about an expensive fish tank she wanted. I bent over backwards to buy it, and transport it to her house, fish and all (the road in a bucket buckled on my passenger seat). when I got there I met her children. a 2 year old boy and  7 year old girl. they took to me almost immediately. I remember the fun I had with them, and the look in her eyes. it looked as thought she was madly in love with me. in retrospect, she mirrored me and did her best to shower me with love, knowing that I wanted to be a father. fast forward a month, she asked me to move in. I thought it was a little fast but, I was already driving over an hour every day to see her and the kids I figured why not. another few weeks went by, and her true colors started to show. I remember this distinctly. I was out doing something for my job one evening and she called me to come pick her and the kids up at her sisters unexpectedly. being a little irritated she would be so inconsiderate to expect me to drop everything right away, I told her she would just have to wait. instead of just waiting, she walked a half a mile, with 2 small children in the cold. without any coats. I don't remember her exact words but at the time it stuck me that she was narrative crafting. it was pure manipulation and I knew it. so I would look like the bad guy. I called her on it, and I told her I was done, being manipulated is a hard line for me. she begged, cried, pleaded with me until I finally gave in and came home. I never remember an out right apology. it was a couple weeks later I had a conversation I had forgotten about with her sister until recently. My ex was being irrationally mean to me for no reason, while I was out helping her sister. I talked to her sister about it and that's when she told me, not only was she diagnosed with bipolar type 2, she had bpd. this was November 2021. by this time, I had already promised her io would never leave. I thought I was in love and we even talked about marriage. her 2 children were calling me dad. I thought I had finally found all that I was looking for in life. Christmas came, and I worked over time every Saturday to buy the kids gifts. she was smitten. she got me several very nice, heartfelt Christmas gifts. in January that year, I had just gotten a new job to make more money. she had been pushing me hard to join our bank accounts. "if we're gonna get married and you're not going to leave what's the harm" like an idiot I went along with it. I knew it was a bad idea. a month later I needed a new car. I had bad credit, but she insisted one cosigning. I was very uncomfortable with the idea. but she said even if we broke up she would never use it against me LOL. it seemed like after this, things followed a pattern. only they would get worse and worse every time.  she would be inconsiderate of me, I would be hurt or upset, we would have a circular fight with no resolution, it would get forgotten about. my feelings about anything significant were never taken into account. kids are being spoiled by the god parents? so what. your tired from work? don't care go help my parents. any time I tried to draw what I thought was a healthy boundary she would get angry, or cry. literally. during many of these fights I had had enough. I would pack my things and leave.  I couldn't take the crazy making behavior. some of these times she would run to the bathroom and immediately throw up. I would feel bad and end up holding her hair. or she would shake a sob uncontrollably.  on the bed. I would feel bad and comfort her. I figured everyone else left her, I couldn't be just like everyone else. after a while she would get her parents involved in the fights. during one, she compared me to her ex boyfriend that beat the crap out of her all the time. I treated this girl like gold. I went to leave, after packing my car and her parents showed up. her step dad actually blocked the door preventing me from leaving. I almost just went through him. he ended up talking me down, and into staying. I actually ended up apologizing to her for saying it's not my problem anymore as to what she would tell the kids when I was gone. I never got any apology for being compared to an abuser. in September 2022, after a year of dating she was seriously pressuring to get a ring. I had my hesitations. but, I figured I already told this girl I'm marrying her. the kids see me as their father. I'm in this deep. maybe things will get better. I was a clown. I proposed in front of her whole family on the family farm. things only continued down hill from there. Christmas 2022 I didn't receive so much as a card from her. the fights were becoming so much more frequent. she blamed me more and more. I found myself thinking I was the problem. if only I just try to not get so upset at her needs. this lead up to February 2023. the fights had become every few days. I couldn't do anything right. no matter how hard I tried. her birthday came and I spent lavishly on her. 2 days later we had our final fight. by the end, she was threatening to call the police to have me removed. that was the last straw. I left. I couldn't risk my future. 2 days later I was begging to get back together. at first she was open to it. but it seemed like every couple of days, she would have an emotional meltdown that ended with "move on I can't do this". some times NC would last 2 hours. as more time passed the radio silence from her would last longer and longer. days. I would text to reassure her I still loved her and we could talk when she was ready. all the while she was still spending my money out of our joint account.even though she had already opened her own separate account. thousands of dollars since February. when she would start to breadcrumb me again, she would just send pictures of the kids. we would talk a few days, then, boom meltdown into I can't do this leave me alone. she had her finally meltdown last week when I told her it was m messed up that she called me a father for a year and a half and now that she's having mental health issues she keeping them away from me. missed her sons birthday and easter already. this girl broke me. I am a shell of the man I was when I met her. it hurts me so much that I will never see those kids again. I loved them like they were blood. she only used them against me. I last reached out 2 days ago to ask if I could send a card for her sons birthday. no response. I'm not even as upset over her, although if she said right now let's give it another shot, I absolutely would. even after all the abuse. all the hurt. being mentally, emotionally, and financially broken. I am now establishing NC for myself. Im trying to make the next right decisions on my recovery but this is so hard. it's hard for me to even admit. I'm broken.

[pipefitter]

hello all, to start I want to say I stumbled on this forum doing research about my ex fiancés BPD, all of your posts have been a huge help. it doesn't ease your suffering, just know your experience, strength, and hope have really helped a fellow survivor. I met my now ex BPD fiancee via a dating app in September 2021. Red flag right away, her profile said something about " a ton of baggage". I have a past of my own, so I figured I had no room to judge. Our first conversation, we aired most of it out. This girl had been through horrible, horrible things. right then and there I was struck with how much of a beautiful soul I thought she had, for someone that had gone through unspeakable horrors. I believe it was that first phone conversation, she warned me. "everyone always leaves me, or I always end up pushing them away. little did I know how much she knew herself. she had 2 young children by 2 different fathers, neither of which were in the picture. at this point, I decided I would pursue this. I thought she was an amazing girl that had just been dealt a bad hand in life. several days later after her kids were asleep, we met at her house to hook up. little did I know that night was the best sex we would ever have. several days later, she had sent me a Facebook message about an expensive fish tank she wanted. I bent over backwards to buy it, and transport it to her house, fish and all (the road in a bucket buckled on my passenger seat). when I got there I met her children. a 2 year old boy and  7 year old girl. they took to me almost immediately. I remember the fun I had with them, and the look in her eyes. it looked as thought she was madly in love with me. in retrospect, she mirrored me and did her best to shower me with love, knowing that I wanted to be a father. fast forward a month, she asked me to move in. I thought it was a little fast but, I was already driving over an hour every day to see her and the kids I figured why not. another few weeks went by, and her true colors started to show. I remember this distinctly. I was out doing something for my job one evening and she called me to come pick her and the kids up at her sisters unexpectedly. being a little irritated she would be so inconsiderate to expect me to drop everything right away, I told her she would just have to wait. instead of just waiting, she walked a half a mile, with 2 small children in the cold. without any coats. I don't remember her exact words but at the time it stuck me that she was narrative crafting. it was pure manipulation and I knew it. so I would look like the bad guy. I called her on it, and I told her I was done, being manipulated is a hard line for me. she begged, cried, pleaded with me until I finally gave in and came home. I never remember an out right apology. it was a couple weeks later I had a conversation I had forgotten about with her sister until recently. My ex was being irrationally mean to me for no reason, while I was out helping her sister. I talked to her sister about it and that's when she told me, not only was she diagnosed with bipolar type 2, she had bpd. this was November 2021. by this time, I had already promised her io would never leave. I thought I was in love and we even talked about marriage. her 2 children were calling me dad. I thought I had finally found all that I was looking for in life. Christmas came, and I worked over time every Saturday to buy the kids gifts. she was smitten. she got me several very nice, heartfelt Christmas gifts. in January that year, I had just gotten a new job to make more money. she had been pushing me hard to join our bank accounts. "if we're gonna get married and you're not going to leave what's the harm" like an idiot I went along with it. I knew it was a bad idea. a month later I needed a new car. I had bad credit, but she insisted one cosigning. I was very uncomfortable with the idea. but she said even if we broke up she would never use it against me LOL. it seemed like after this, things followed a pattern. only they would get worse and worse every time.  she would be inconsiderate of me, I would be hurt or upset, we would have a circular fight with no resolution, it would get forgotten about. my feelings about anything significant were never taken into account. kids are being spoiled by the god parents? so what. your tired from work? don't care go help my parents. any time I tried to draw what I thought was a healthy boundary she would get angry, or cry. literally. during many of these fights I had had enough. I would pack my things and leave.  I couldn't take the crazy making behavior. some of these times she would run to the bathroom and immediately throw up. I would feel bad and end up holding her hair. or she would shake a sob uncontrollably.  on the bed. I would feel bad and comfort her. I figured everyone else left her, I couldn't be just like everyone else. after a while she would get her parents involved in the fights. during one, she compared me to her ex boyfriend that beat the crap out of her all the time. I treated this girl like gold. I went to leave, after packing my car and her parents showed up. her step dad actually blocked the door preventing me from leaving. I almost just went through him. he ended up talking me down, and into staying. I actually ended up apologizing to her for saying it's not my problem anymore as to what she would tell the kids when I was gone. I never got any apology for being compared to an abuser. in September 2022, after a year of dating she was seriously pressuring to get a ring. I had my hesitations. but, I figured I already told this girl I'm marrying her. the kids see me as their father. I'm in this deep. maybe things will get better. I was a clown. I proposed in front of her whole family on the family farm. things only continued down hill from there. Christmas 2022 I didn't receive so much as a card from her. the fights were becoming so much more frequent. she blamed me more and more. I found myself thinking I was the problem. if only I just try to not get so upset at her needs. this lead up to February 2023. the fights had become every few days. I couldn't do anything right. no matter how hard I tried. her birthday came and I spent lavishly on her. 2 days later we had our final fight. by the end, she was threatening to call the police to have me removed. that was the last straw. I left. I couldn't risk my future. 2 days later I was begging to get back together. at first she was open to it. but it seemed like every couple of days, she would have an emotional meltdown that ended with "move on I can't do this". some times NC would last 2 hours. as more time passed the radio silence from her would last longer and longer. days. I would text to reassure her I still loved her and we could talk when she was ready. all the while she was still spending my money out of our joint account.even though she had already opened her own separate account. thousands of dollars since February. when she would start to breadcrumb me again, she would just send pictures of the kids. we would talk a few days, then, boom meltdown into I can't do this leave me alone. she had her finally meltdown last week when I told her it was m messed up that she called me a father for a year and a half and now that she's having mental health issues she keeping them away from me. missed her sons birthday and easter already. this girl broke me. I am a shell of the man I was when I met her. it hurts me so much that I will never see those kids again. I loved them like they were blood. she only used them against me. I last reached out 2 days ago to ask if I could send a card for her sons birthday. no response. I'm not even as upset over her, although if she said right now let's give it another shot, I absolutely would. even after all the abuse. all the hurt. being mentally, emotionally, and financially broken. I am now establishing NC for myself. Im trying to make the next right decisions on my recovery but this is so hard. it's hard for me to even admit. I'm broken.

[kells76]

Hey pipefitter, so glad you found us. You're in the right place to just let it out about everything that happened.

The thing I most want you to know is this -- no matter what happens, the kids won't forget how much you loved them. My husband's mom was married 3 times; first to his dad, then stepdad #1, then stepdad #2. Even though she was only with stepdad #1 for a few years when my H was in grade school, H still remembers SD#1 and what music they listened to together and what he liked about SD#1.

I hear a lot of pain in your post, and I know the pain you're talking about when you think of the kids being in the middle of all this. The kids won't forget you. They'll know that you brought kindness, attention, and love to their lives. That sticks with them.

How are you doing tonight, after posting? Do you have somewhere safe to stay? Calm, too, I hope?

Recovery is going to be a process. It's ok to be wherever you are in it, feeling whatever you feel. This is a good group to walk alongside you. So many members know what it's like to be so broken and in so much pain after so many recycles.

Keep on posting, sharing, and just being here, as much or as little as you need -- we'll be here.

-kells76

[pipefitter]

Thank you for the kindness. The pain in all of it is crazy to me. I have been through some rough times but this takes the cake. What kills me the most is all the read flags I saw but I ignored for some reason. And all the times before I was hooked I wanted to walk away. But for one reason or another I stayed. Now only to end up broken. I could kick myself

[cranmango]

Pipefitter—that it brutal, I’m so sorry. I hear you. I spent four years helping to raise my ex’s two kids. Turbulent relationship, multiple breakups. After the final breakup, my ex had a new partner within a week. I haven’t seen those kids in 10 months. It weighs on me.

Kells—thank for so much for sharing that perspective. It means so much.

Why did we ignore the red flags? That’s a good question. And worth reflecting on in time, as you heal and move forward. Im still working through it, too. I will say I’ve dated a couple women since the final breakup with my ex, and I have been *very* aware of red flags in those new relationships. Anger, name calling, insecurity. Nope, not doing that again! I put up with so, so much hurtful behavior from my ex. My goal now is to not recreate that same dynamic with someone new.

[pipefitter]

Thank you for sharing cran. Even during some of the fights she would use the kids to reel me back in. It hurts bad that I will in all likelihood never see them again.  Im not mad at her, she’s sick. I compare it to an alligator. You can’t get mad at it for biting you, that’s just what it does. It knows no different. Now that she’s disappeared, I’m using this time to work on me. Enforcing defacto no contact. No longer reaching out. Every day gets a little easier. My only hope is I don’t hear from her long enough to build the strength to resist being pulled back in. Don’t know if she will or won’t, it is a worry I have. And I know right now I’m not strong enough to resist, even though 99% of me knows how it will end.