Yeah, so my story is pretty nuanced, and involved a lot of people. But basically I got bullied a lot as a kid, ended up dropping out of 7th grade, Dad tried to bully me into going to school, had my parents and teachers bully me and fail to protect me, then with no life skills, I was told to "get a job or I'm putting you on the corner with a bottle of lube" by my Dad, I move out, to my friend across the country, end up with my BPDexGF, who sabotaged my work by trying to drain me/guilt trip me while I was doing computer programming from home, did everything in her power to prevent me from going into work at our friends house who founded the company. Okay, so my life blew up from no money.
After that I live with my mom, who pressures me to work, tries to control when I quit, when I do work, coddles me a lot, is super controlling about it. Dad gives me rides to work, goes gambling multiple times and doesn't pick me up, on the days where I don't take the bus, people at work sabotage me. And personality disordered boss is cruel to me, even though I was literally working the hardest, quit, move into another guys house, who sabotages me. Have a mental breakdown.
Then get shamed by my Dad, sis, and other people to work.
I feel sad for myself a bit, and angry sometimes, but the whole sequence of events is comical, that all these people kept me down, this whole time, and a lot of it was just because I blamed myself excessively, and was kind of naive, and overly understanding with people. I've worked very hard, many times, but I had people screwing me too. Even at home, it feels good to put a lot of effort into things, and if I work too hard, my Dad screws me there too,
.
Still, my best job was with my friend, as a computer programmer, it was my second job, and my BPDexGF sabotaged the crap out of me back then, with all sorts of stuff, that time period was a living hell.
In one of my books on recovering from Covert Narcissistic abuse (my Dad has this), said basically: Honest people assume other people are honest, and this is true, I assumed more people were honest than I ever realized. I've always been fairly honest. And I guess this character trait I have, that is wholesome and nice, is also my flaw. Because now I am forced to be shrewd, to see the cold hard truth in those around me, to see these people for what they are, and it disturbs me, angers me, and disgusts me. And I resent that people are so screwed up, that I have to be so calculated.
Lately I feel like life is like freaking Game of Thrones, having to be some freaking mastermind, just to live life, what a load of crap. I don't even expect a lot from people, argh...
Can anyone relate to this?
