Birthdays?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Today is my birthday, I plan on finding a way to enjoy it, by treating myself well, by remembering how my mom cared about my birthdays, if I want or need to, by enjoying the pizza my Dad got me.

Like, my Dad bought me pizza/other treats for today, after he sabotaged me recently and I told him:

If you get stuff for my birthday, that's great but I am not relying on it (because he's literally abandoned me, or got me stuff I didn't want, my last two to three birthdays). I said, I can treat myself well, and that if you don't get me anything, I can remember how mom treated me. That although she hurt me in a lot of ways, I know she had my best interest at heart. And I also told him that I needed to pretend the other day, that I could just be myself around him, and that I had a Dad that cared about my well being, because it's hard for me to come to terms with how he is.

I think he felt guilty, which I actually didn't specifically intend. I just didn't spare his feelings this time, because I am tired of sparing his feelings at the cost of me.

Anyways, I'm going to try to be good to myself, try to enjoy my food, be as grateful as I reasonably can with my Dad, and do what's best for me today. If I have it in me, I may spend a bit of time with him, but if it feels too forced and uncomfortable, probably not. I'm gonna try to have a good day, but I've got "It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to" locked and loaded, in case I am in that mood, haha.

Anyone else have a lot of feelings and baggage from past birthdays, and a lot of mixed feelings in what you deserve? I both feel deserving of it, and undeserving... I haven't been the greatest birthday person myself, mostly just because of circumstances though, I cared, and did often try, at least with family.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Today is my birthday, I plan on finding a way to enjoy it, by treating myself well, by remembering how my mom cared about my birthdays, if I want or need to, by enjoying the pizza my Dad got me.

Like, my Dad bought me pizza/other treats for today, after he sabotaged me recently and I told him:

If you get stuff for my birthday, that's great but I am not relying on it (because he's literally abandoned me, or got me stuff I didn't want, my last two to three birthdays). I said, I can treat myself well, and that if you don't get me anything, I can remember how mom treated me. That although she hurt me in a lot of ways, I know she had my best interest at heart. And I also told him that I needed to pretend the other day, that I could just be myself around him, and that I had a Dad that cared about my well being, because it's hard for me to come to terms with how he is.

I think he felt guilty, which I actually didn't specifically intend. I just didn't spare his feelings this time, because I am tired of sparing his feelings at the cost of me.

Anyways, I'm going to try to be good to myself, try to enjoy my food, be as grateful as I reasonably can with my Dad, and do what's best for me today. If I have it in me, I may spend a bit of time with him, but if it feels too forced and uncomfortable, probably not. I'm gonna try to have a good day, but I've got "It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to" locked and loaded, in case I am in that mood, haha.

Anyone else have a lot of feelings and baggage from past birthdays, and a lot of mixed feelings in what you deserve? I both feel deserving of it, and undeserving... I haven't been the greatest birthday person myself, mostly just because of circumstances though, I cared, and did often try, at least with family.

[HappyChappy]

  Happy Birthday   NarcsEverywhere. Be good to yourself  

It's common for people with NPD/BPD to manipulate or sabotage your special day (or special anything). It's a power trip - so just make sure they never know their manipulation upsets you, if you can. Celebrate with those that care about your - like folk on here.  
Buy yourself the presents you want, you're worth it. Had I know I would of course bought you a house or something - but it's the thought that counts.

My BPD once said I'd get a bike, but got me a dictionary - just to tell me "dyslexic" is spelt "illiterate" . I once asked my bro to stop playing Nirvana as it was depressing me - he wrapped up that cassette, left the 50 cent label on it (as it was a bootleg) and gifted it me on my birthday.  Pretty much every gift my bro got was an second hand insult to each member of the family. But at least he put thought into the presents  

I'm sure your father loves you in his way (as my bro does in his warped, harmful way). But you are worth it - so get yourself whatever you want, and do whatever you want to do on your birthday.  

**Edited

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey HappyChappy thanks, it really helps to have someone else say it! It's kind of lonely lately, and it gets exhausting doing all my love for myself. My biggest boon has been my cat, who I snuggled with in lazy love the other day.

I feel sort of confused and frazzled this morning, unsure of how to feel. I don't want to get my hopes high with my Dad, but I wanna try to watch a movie with him, if it goes poorly, I might go in my room and watch it. I feel like I have a lot of pent up energy to enjoy a bunch of things, but if I set my hopes too high, then I could get seriously disappointed, if I don't feel well. Gonna make a few plans, and take some of the day as it comes.

It sounds like you had it even worse than me, sheesh! Sorry that happened to you. My mom actually put a lot of effort into my birthdays, and I am grateful for that. Bought me a computer and video games and good food. I'm so unused to enjoying my birthdays, as of late, that enjoying it is highly uncomfortable!

[HappyChappy]

I think you're right not to get your hopes up. My Dad didn't have a PD, but he was never bothered about birthdays - even his own. That I didn't mind as much as my BPD mum always critizing anything you got her or NPD bro always using it to insult you.

So I've never been that bothered, but made a fuss over my kids - because they seemed to like it and were very clear what they wanted, and happy to get it. Simples.

So do whatever you want - maybe your Dad just has a different view to bdays, like mine did ? But it's not his day - it's yours. 

[NarcsEverywhere]

Ha, not really. He specifically got me stuff I didn't want, or didn't even ask me the food I wanted, which was custom in my family. He let me get my hopes up for 2 weeks, to go out to eat, when I am poor and can't on my own, and then when the time came he abandoned me. I complained that he got me plant based imitation food on one of my birthdays, when he knew I didn't like it, and then he made an effort to repeatedly buy me plant based imitation food for years. Nah, he screwed with me bad.

And I always made an effort, even with a hurt back and my friends suicide to care about what he wanted to eat, and spend my little bit of money to get him at least something he liked. I tried to appreciate him on Veterans Day, even though no one had for him really, since he's a vet. I always tried and cared, except the one time where I basically forced a loving letter, and did nothing, and it turned my stomach to hug him, because I didn't trust him anymore.

I feel so upset right now, at how much he sabotaged the holidays I put a lot of effort into, and then took over the holidays, as some power trip, after he hurt me so much. Ugh, that whole sabotage/dependency thing is so gross to me. It's not your fault I am upset, these things are just hard to wrap my head around.

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear that Narkseverywhere. It does sound very insensitive behaviour from your Dad. But as you said - it's not your fault. But if it helps, war vets often have PTSD, which is on the DMS -5 spectrum, so it can make people appear selfish when really they're just battling with their own demons. My uBPD mother is a war refugee - some of her stories would make your toes curl, so it helps me to realise that her narcisstic manipulation is to get attention because she's scared - still fighting demons she can not see, like Trump's false wars and Putin's real war. But that shouldn't be your problem - but it may well be your Dad's problem. Who knows ?

[NarcsEverywhere]

Sorry to hear that Narkseverywhere. It does sound very insensitive behaviour from your Dad. But as you said - it's not your fault. But if it helps, war vets often have PTSD, which is on the DMS -5 spectrum, so it can make people appear selfish when really they're just battling with their own demons. My uBPD mother is a war refugee - some of her stories would make your toes curl, so it helps me to realise that her narcisstic manipulation is to get attention because she's scared - still fighting demons she can not see, like Trump's false wars and Putin's real war. But that shouldn't be your problem - but it may well be your Dad's problem. Who knows ?

Yeah, I've been understanding with his issues. I know he has issues, I'm just tired of worrying about them, especially today. But yeah he had some experiences in Vietnam that weren't good for him, for sure. But most of his issues seem to stem from his childhood. I actually try not to take it all personally. But it still hurts a lot, either way. Yeah, it's definitely not my fault.

[cranmango]

Happy birthday, NE! Enjoy the pizza and movie.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Thanks cranmango! I have enjoyed the Pizza for sure! Gonna rewake up and shake off my crankyness and give the movie a shot.

[HappyChappy]

I know he has issues, I'm just tired of worrying about them, especially today...

I hope you had a good birthday. I know how you feel mate, but our worry for our parents won't make any difference. It's their cross, just as our childhood is our cross to bear.

Many on here have C-PTSD from our BPD families, what helped me was understanding that  PTSD was only discovered in the 70's when people noticed Vietnam war veterans were committing suicide on mass, 7 years on. I believe more died off the battle field than on. So your Dad did well to escape that, not so well by passing on his burden to you. But you don't have to accept it - but it's helped me to forgive my mum by understanding trauma.

My uBPD mum still has vivid stories of running from Nazis, yet she was born during the war so technically she was crawling away at speed from Nazis, maybe toddling away ? But it's irrelevant where our parent's trauma comes from, only relevant that there wasn't awareness or support for them at the time - as you need to talk it out with someone, as we do on here.

I've been told  my mum's denial of how she treated her kids is protecting her from a reality too painful to accept. So I'm just please my son threatened to call a child abuse line because we didn't get him the most recent iphone. Apparently "everyone at school" had it, but when we googled, only 12% of his age group had a smart phone at all   .

Your Dad's behaviour is not your fault, not your cross to bear, but the triggers coming from Trump and Putin aren't my mother's fault. She's started foraging for food again (despite being wealthy) and eating SPAM, plus she's worried Biden looks like he's about to fall asleep and will trust Putin when he says he wants peace (a little piece of Poland). It's funny because it's true - if I didn't laugh I'd cry.

PS - sorry if I'm rambling on about war (I don't have private health care)  back to birthdays celebrations  

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey HappyChappy,

Yeah, I can see how my Dad's issues have led to things, and eventually maybe I will be understanding of that. I just think protecting my mental health, and myself, and caring for myself is my #1 priority, especially because the situation I am in is stressful and hard to manage. He's insanely hard to work with, no matter what I do, and a lot of days, the best I can do is set boundaries a lot, and take time for myself.

Yesterday, I busted my butt, to make plans for us to save money, dealt with baggage, managed my time, dealt with him being irrational, tried to offer him wisdom, listened to him vent, and I'm impressed I did it all, but by the end of the night I was fed up with him. Gonna have to pull back today.

Not gonna bite on the war and political stuff, but I can see how that is personal to you, because of how it affected your Mom, and then conversely you. I have my gripes too, such as about masculinity, and vulnerability, or just personality disorders in general.

Anyways, I just came on here to say thanks to you and Cranmango for wishing me a happy birthday and giving me some of your time! I needed to feel less alone on that day, especially.

I enjoyed plenty of pizza and other junk like cake and ice cream, I spent time with my Dad, even though I hadn't in a while, felt mostly tired during it, but I am glad I did. My Dad got a silly card for me, that talked about me putting up with his crap, haha. I was attention seeking on another site, and felt like I deserved attention, which was awesome! Why not get some positive attention and feel worth it? I felt worth it, but not super enthused either. It went better than expected.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hey Narcs, that funny, it seems we almost share a birthday.

Mine was also in the past few days. I decided to celebrate it with my husband and children. I know our situations are very different, and it must honestly be a hard to live with someone with whom the relationship is so difficult. It does make it harder to celebrate the good times.

My BPD mother did not try to reach out, which I am thankful for. And out of my two brothers I have on her side, only one reached out. This is the one who has stopped reaching out to me in general. He is under a lot of pressure from our mother to hate me, but I do believe he unconsciously tried to remain neutral (he calls me father after every encounter with my mother in what seems to be an effort to rebalance himself out from her emotional load). I was thankful he reached out.

My other brother has been trying to manipulate me into getting back into the fold. And when the attempts failed, he finally showed his real face and lashed out at me, telling me I would regret it and to pacify my relationship with our mother, or else it would destroy me from within. This was two weeks ago. To no one's surprise, he didn't call to wish me a happy birthday, as he usually do. He finally showed his colors; he finally chose a side.

They are both under a lot of pressure from our mother, so I forgive them both. I love them both too. And I accept our relationship for what it is and will likely always be, a broken one. And it's ok.

In the flip side, I was surrounded by so much love from my children, husband and from my father, stepmother and also from my little sister (which whom I only share my father). I am thankful I still have some FOO remaining, that is safe and loving.

Freeing myself from my mother allowed me to free a lot of energy to develop those healthy bounds with my father and stepmother, and I am thankful for them. I've adopted my stepmother as my children's grandmother, and also as a mother to me. I am grateful to have her in my life now.

At some point, we have to take responsibility for ourselves, take back our power, and surround ourselves with people who have the ability to share both the good and less good times of our life. I let go a long time ago of my mother's capacity to ever offer me a "good birthday". It won't happen, and I don't need her to offer myself a good time now. I take charge of my own happiness. And taking charge for myself also took away the resentment I've held toward her.

In the end, the only thing I grieve, is what I never had... Once I realized that, it clarified that I held the power within me to build it for myself. And I did. And I am grateful for this power.

I hope you were able to provide this time of peace and joy for yourself, and I hope you keep providing it for yourself the other 364 days of the years.

 Take care

[HappyChappy]

Yeah, I can see how my Dad's issues have led to things, and eventually maybe I will be understanding of that. I just think protecting my mental health, and myself, and caring for myself is my #1 priority, especially because the situation I am in is stressful and hard to manage. He's insanely hard to work with, no matter what I do, and a lot of days, the best I can do is set boundaries a lot, and take time for myself.

That's sound advice. I'm guessing you're much younger than I, and thankfully brought up in more enlightened times ?  Riverwolfs point about taking back control is also very wise. That said if we never challenge Narky people, it just empowers them, they take it as validation their behaviour is getting them what they want. So someone needs to poke fun at them or the next generation just sleep walk back into the same dynamics of old.

[Riv3rW0lf]

That's sound advice. I'm guessing you're much younger than I, and thankfully brought up in more enlightened times ?  Riverwolfs point about taking back control is also very wise. That said if we never challenge Narky people, it just empowers them, they take it as validation their behaviour is getting them what they want. So someone needs to poke fun at them or the next generation just sleep walk back into the same dynamics of old.

Albeit C-PTSD can make it very hard to challenge specific people. An example for me is I cannot challenge my mother without feeling profoundly scared and triggered. But I did and will continue to challenge by Nbrother.  Not about to give in to his manipulation, also not about to just let them slide.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf,

I'm glad you have a loving family in your life, it looks nice, and I'm somewhat jealous, because it sounds so much easier than what I am dealing with. I actually am very good at being good to myself, and my plan for my Birthday, was always, if my Dad fell through, to do it for myself, and maybe bring the memory of my Mom into it. But I think it's good that I worked with my Dad, because at least this time, I could focus on something I still have in my life right now. It's not ideal, especially with all the baggage, but it's been lonely a lot, because of my agoraphobia, lack of connections, trauma, and how things can be with my Dad. I'm glad I did what I did.

I do take responsibility for my happiness, but it's a balancing act between enjoying and appreciating the life you have, while working towards a better life, and I guess I just learned to settle a lot, and be happy with little, and that's great sometimes, but it's not good if you're stuck, and if you want more from life, or just need more, like I do. I need a job, a social network, fun activities, and more security, so I can weather the storms of life more easily. I'm good at self help, but I need help from others too, I need healthy relationships, I need to get out into the world. I need to grow, and work through trauma, this new way of life is very hard to manage, but I am learning.

Thanks for reaching out and connecting, I don't have much time to socialize, but it definitely helps to do so, and these little messages I get from you or others, definitely eases some of the loneliness.

Hey HappyChappy,

Oh, I'm great at sticking up for myself now, but it gets exhausting, so I am trying to do it in a less vigilant way, and do it more as a last resort, or in a more casual way, so as to not just add way more tension than is necessary. Also trying to focus on what I do more, not what others do more. I can tell you what though, some people around here definitely know I won't put up with crap anymore, and now that I've put my foot down more, they don't take me as lightly, they respect it. Just gotta learn not to fall into my own codependency/control issues too, it's tough, argh!

[HappyChappy]

Hey HappyChappy,

Oh, I'm great at sticking up for myself now, but it gets exhausting, so I am trying to do it in a less vigilant way, and do it more as a last resort, or in a more casual way, so as to not just add way more tension than is necessary. Also trying to focus on what I do more, not what others do more. I can tell you what though, some people around here definitely know I won't put up with crap anymore, and now that I've put my foot down more, they don't take me as lightly, they respect it. Just gotta learn not to fall into my own codependency/control issues too, it's tough, argh!

Sounds like you've figured it out as that's sound advise. Sorry about your Dad and your  birthday, but you sound like a great guy so I'm sure in time you'll have better company on your birthdays. It is exhausting being hypervigilant, but more recently I slept walked into a situation with a uNPD (religious) boss, but my spider sensors did eventual kick in and that seems to have now been resolved. But it's reminded me how easy I am to trigger, if a professional is at work and also why walking away and leaving younger people to deal with the issue is something I need to do more now. According to my kids I'm an old fogy but then anyone over the age of 30 is an Old fogy according to them  

[NarcsEverywhere]

I'm in my 40s, I know I'm getting older, but I have no kids to remind me of that, ha! What's both of your ages, approximately? 50s, 60s, 40s? Thanks for the compliment HappyChappy, depends what day you catch me on, somedays I'm super uptight, , hard to deal with, and cranky, some days I can be easy going and thoughtful. I try though. I do think I can eventually have healthier relationships. Kind of depends on me working out my own kinks, getting outside of my comfort zone, and getting a job, and maybe transportation, so that I have the opportunity to build adult relationships.

Definitely a good idea to leave younger people to pick up some of the mess, they have the energy for it.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hey Riv3rW0lf,

I'm glad you have a loving family in your life, it looks nice, and I'm somewhat jealous, because it sounds so much easier than what I am dealing with. I actually am very good at being good to myself, and my plan for my Birthday, was always, if my Dad fell through, to do it for myself, and maybe bring the memory of my Mom into it. But I think it's good that I worked with my Dad, because at least this time, I could focus on something I still have in my life right now. It's not ideal, especially with all the baggage, but it's been lonely a lot, because of my agoraphobia, lack of connections, trauma, and how things can be with my Dad. I'm glad I did what I did.

I do take responsibility for my happiness, but it's a balancing act between enjoying and appreciating the life you have, while working towards a better life, and I guess I just learned to settle a lot, and be happy with little, and that's great sometimes, but it's not good if you're stuck, and if you want more from life, or just need more, like I do. I need a job, a social network, fun activities, and more security, so I can weather the storms of life more easily. I'm good at self help, but I need help from others too, I need healthy relationships, I need to get out into the world. I need to grow, and work through trauma, this new way of life is very hard to manage, but I am learning.

Thanks for reaching out and connecting, I don't have much time to socialize, but it definitely helps to do so, and these little messages I get from you or others, definitely eases some of the loneliness.

Yeah, I didn't say it to "rub it in your face" or anything, more like an example and how we can shift things for ourselves. I come from very very far. Been severely abused as a child: physically, sexually, verbally and emotionally. My BPD mother was left unchecked by our father, as they were separated and she had 50% custody, and enjoyed drinking, and brought many different men home. She finally stopped when I was 9, so the damages were already done.

I had severe social anxiety and ended up spending all my teenage years alone, with no friends, was severely bullied and sexually assaulted again, until I finally switched school and decided to go live full time with my father at 15. Then I started taking drugs, a lot of them.

But there was this part, within me, that always aimed for more. I was always analyzing everything, observing, trying to figure it all out. I simply didn't understand people and the world, I couldn't predict it. Going to the grocery store took me all my courage; it gave me so much anxiety to simply be seen, so I'd smoke to make it feel like a dream.

Anyway... I feel like I was "led through life" toward a breaking point where I finally really took ownership for myself.  I was incredibly lucky to meet the people I met at the time I did, but then I don't believe in luck. I can see now it was intuition; and I always made it a point to listen to mine. And this part of me that wanted to survive led me where I could actually live. So... Just wanted to point out that : it is possible, and never too late.

You are doing a lot of introspection, and I trust this part within you will also lead you where you need to go, even though it might take some time.  It's not an easy path to walk, but it is worth it.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf,

Oh, I didn't think you shoved it in my face at all. I don't even know if I want kids or a wife or anything like that. I was mostly just frustrated with how things were going. I actually think it's good that you have that, and having a healthier life is something to aspire too, but I often have a lot of mixed feelings about things, when I'm having a tough time, and I get tired of waiting for myself to feel great to talk to people. So I was just honest about it.

Sounds like you've been through an awful lot yourself, and have worked hard to get to the place you're at. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I sometimes feel like I need to be ashamed of my successes, to help people feel better about themselves, but I guess part of that is not getting much credit from dysfunctional people in my life, who invalidate them, and minimize them. I've come a long way myself, and I think I can be proud of that too, we can both be proud of that. I still have a ways to go though, to have some sort of consistent sanity that I want.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Sounds like you've been through an awful lot yourself, and have worked hard to get to the place you're at. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I sometimes feel like I need to be ashamed of my successes, to help people feel better about themselves, but I guess part of that is not getting much credit from dysfunctional people in my life, who invalidate them, and minimize them. I've come a long way myself, and I think I can be proud of that too, we can both be proud of that. I still have a ways to go though, to have some sort of consistent sanity that I want.

Absolutely, I wrestle with this shame too.

One day at a time.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, I think it's good, I can be proud, you can be proud, I can feel jealous, maybe others can feel jealous. We can both be proud and jealous, and even struggle with shame, but we don't have to control each other over it. Sometimes I haven't been proud of myself enough, so it's hard to give it to others, but that doesn't mean that they don't have a right to be proud. It just means I need to give it to myself first. It's hard to give to others, what you haven't given yourself.

Yeah, that's what I am doing, especially on my tough days, argh!