Want another chance

[pipefitter]

So, I have posted in the “learning from a failed relationship” board. I’m truly conflicted if I want, or even can rekindle my relationship. Me and me ex fiancé broke up in February. Back then I had no idea what borderline was. Her sister had told me she was diagnosed with it at one point. That’s all I knew. Looking back, we were at the end of a devalue cycle. I don’t know if that was the first one, but it was the worst. We fought multiple times a week. No matter what I did was wrong. The kids were terrified of me according to her. I always called off work according to her. Sex was withdrawn. I had anger issues. Gaslighting. Crazy making. Whole shabang. I left during a heated fight after she threatened to call the police on me. Don’t know how she could, I only yelled and so did she. There was never any violence.for the 2 months post living together there was a lot of push pull on her end. She would tell me she wanted a fresh start, we would talk a few days, then she would have a meltdown that ended with “I can’t do this” follow by several days of radio silence.most of our interactions were pretty cold on her end.  Through her eyes she saw any suggestions of us hanging out or me seeing the kids as pressuring her. Even though I would tell her there’s literally no pressure, it’s only a suggestion.  Our most recent interaction came 2 weeks ago, where I asked to have a fresh start. She said no, she wasn’t willing after me pressuring her.  And I asked if it was permanent . She said yes. I told her off about keeping the kids (kids believe I’m their dad) away from me. Her last answer was “f*ck you seriously I don’t want anything to do with you”. Since then I have had no answer from her. I texted her 3 times total over this 2 week span. Once to apologize for not understand her needs and to tell her that I would still be here if/when she was ready to talk. Once asking if I could send a card for her sons birthday  and once today to ask if we could talk. All went without a reply from her end. I personally want to give us rekindling a chance. I genuinely love her. I have empathy for her condition. The biggest difference between then and now is that empathy. Before I thought she would be manipulative/gaslight/impulsively spend/ be mean consciously. Understanding now that it’s all part and parcel of how she is I think I’m better equipped to cope with it. I’m going to see a therapist starting tomorrow, and she started therapy back in January. However it only seems she got more unstable since starting therapy. . I’m seeking guidance from all the experienced people here. I don’t know if there is any hope at her and I speaking again. I don’t know what I should do about her going radio silent. Is the supportive, caring texts every once in a while too much?  Or should I just stop reaching out period until she gets ahold of me. Any advice would be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NOVAnonBP]

Hang in there pipefitter.

I personally want to give us rekindling a chance. I genuinely love her. I have empathy for her condition. The biggest difference between then and now is that empathy.

You know best if your heart is in the right place.  Even if you decide that you're willing to give it another try, you'll want to make sure that you are properly equipped.  Your plan to visit a therapist to learn sounds wise.

I'd also recommend blasting through a short book, like one of the BPD classics.  The "Stop Walking on Eggshells" 2nd Edition ($10 used) is a short read that really helped me to better respond in BPD-crazy conversations and to understand how to:
(1) avoid responding so that I make matters worse, and
(2) recognize what part of a given situation is partly my own fault.

Good luck to you either way.  I know it's hard.

[pipefitter]

I appreciate it. Actually it’s funny you mention, I plan on starting walking on egg shells tonight. I wish I knew if I was going to get another shot at it. Not that anyone could tell me that. My biggest concern is how do I stop making things worse

[outhere]

The key to not making things worse is SET.   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

But In my experience, the simplest way to not make things worse is to do nothing at all.  Walk away, do not engage in the chaos.  Go do something else.  At the very least you won't do or say something you'll regret, and it will give you a chance to think about what's happening and perhaps, if you're lucky, come up with something to say or do that could be helpful.

[pipefitter]

that was a good video. its definitely a communication style I need to work on. I actually used to try to disengage from conflict at first. I would try to walk away or just go for a drive. some times she would interpret that as me abandoning her and meltdown or grab both of my sets of keys so I couldn't go drive, or she would want to continue the conflict so she would stand in between me and my way out. however I do need to practice deescalation. and really retrain my brain to believe that is the right way to handle conflict. My thing right now is wondering since she's done the disappearing act whether I'm going to get a chance to put my practice to the test or not.