Exploring whether my mother has BPD - Waif type

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone, I am currently in the process of revisiting my childhood and healing, and it has become apparent to me that I was parented in a way that has caused me significant emotional damage, and recently I have begun to seriously wonder if my mother has BPD and is the "waif" type. Some things that I recall about my experience as a child, teen and even up to this day are: being repeatedly told no one loves her, appreciates her, values her, being told she wishes she never had kids because they ruin your life, complaining about my father and how she is unhappy but when I propose solutions they are turned down and on one occasion was met with anger (I suggested a divorce and this was met with anger), constant crying, bouts of apparent depression (laying in bed for days), I remember as a kid deciding that I needed to show my mother she was valued and started doing things (cleaning, arranging her things, making an effort to ask her how she was doing every day, saying thank you for dinner), and none of these things ever made a difference and sometimes I was criticized for it (i.e., I didn't do things right. One time I accidentally broke a christmas ornament and was terrified at her reaction so glued it back together but she noticed and then talked about how everyone ruins her things). I recall one time when I came home from school at age 17 my mom was crying in the living room and said "How can you be normal if I am not?" I sat down and told her I was seriously worried about her. Like a switch she stopped being upset and put up a wall and said she did not need help. From my tweens up until recently I have felt that I needed to show her that I had value to her life to the point of desperation, sometimes spiraling for days after if whatever I did or said was not enough or did nothing, or triggered a negative reaction. I have been this way until recently and through therapy and reflection am now coming to realize this is not normal and that I have been harmed. I have issues with self-confidence and anger. I have been going to therapy and discussed talking to my mom. With the support and guidance of my therapist I did take the previously unimaginable step of talking to her about my feelings about the issues with her parenting, and she acted like it wasn't a big deal to her, then after I was done, said, "Can I say something?" and then proceeded to tell me that when I was a child I never liked her or wanted anything to do with her so she and my dad decided my dad would parent me. When she said this it was like she was saying, "Oh yeah, well actually YOU'RE the problem" like it was some sort of "gotcha". I told her I was a child at the time with not even a fully developed brain - which she did not seem to understand. My impression was she continues to believe to this day I do not want anything to do with her and was having great difficulties accepting what I was saying, which was that her not seeing that I love her is the cause of despair to me, i.e., she said, "Well you seem to be genuine". At the end of the conversation I said what I had to say but there was no acknowledgment or validation. She said it sounds like I want a deeper relationship with her but it's not going to happen overnight because all of the work I need to do on myself. I guess what I am asking all of you is whether this sort of thing sounds like BPD and also I would really appreciate if anyone else has any similar anecdotes to share about their own mothers that are similar, as I find that is very helpful in validation of my own situation. Another relevant fact may be that my mom experienced a lot of serious trauma in her childhood much of which is untreated. Thank you.

[Gabby22]

Hi Everyone, I am currently in the process of revisiting my childhood and healing, and it has become apparent to me that I was parented in a way that has caused me significant emotional damage, and recently I have begun to seriously wonder if my mother has BPD and is the "waif" type. Some things that I recall about my experience as a child, teen and even up to this day are: being repeatedly told no one loves her, appreciates her, values her, being told she wishes she never had kids because they ruin your life, complaining about my father and how she is unhappy but when I propose solutions they are turned down and on one occasion was met with anger (I suggested a divorce and this was met with anger), constant crying, bouts of apparent depression (laying in bed for days), I remember as a kid deciding that I needed to show my mother she was valued and started doing things (cleaning, arranging her things, making an effort to ask her how she was doing every day, saying thank you for dinner), and none of these things ever made a difference and sometimes I was criticized for it (i.e., I didn't do things right. One time I accidentally broke a christmas ornament and was terrified at her reaction so glued it back together but she noticed and then talked about how everyone ruins her things). I recall one time when I came home from school at age 17 my mom was crying in the living room and said "How can you be normal if I am not?" I sat down and told her I was seriously worried about her. Like a switch she stopped being upset and put up a wall and said she did not need help. From my tweens up until recently I have felt that I needed to show her that I had value to her life to the point of desperation, sometimes spiraling for days after if whatever I did or said was not enough or did nothing, or triggered a negative reaction. I have been this way until recently and through therapy and reflection am now coming to realize this is not normal and that I have been harmed. I have issues with self-confidence and anger. I have been going to therapy and discussed talking to my mom. With the support and guidance of my therapist I did take the previously unimaginable step of talking to her about my feelings about the issues with her parenting, and she acted like it wasn't a big deal to her, then after I was done, said, "Can I say something?" and then proceeded to tell me that when I was a child I never liked her or wanted anything to do with her so she and my dad decided my dad would parent me. When she said this it was like she was saying, "Oh yeah, well actually YOU'RE the problem" like it was some sort of "gotcha". I told her I was a child at the time with not even a fully developed brain - which she did not seem to understand. My impression was she continues to believe to this day I do not want anything to do with her and was having great difficulties accepting what I was saying, which was that her not seeing that I love her is the cause of despair to me, i.e., she said, "Well you seem to be genuine". At the end of the conversation I said what I had to say but there was no acknowledgment or validation. She said it sounds like I want a deeper relationship with her but it's not going to happen overnight because all of the work I need to do on myself. I guess what I am asking all of you is whether this sort of thing sounds like BPD and also I would really appreciate if anyone else has any similar anecdotes to share about their own mothers that are similar, as I find that is very helpful in validation of my own situation. Another relevant fact may be that my mom experienced a lot of serious trauma in her childhood much of which is untreated. Thank you.

[Methuen]

Hi Gabby22,

In a word-yes.

Whether it's BPD or something else, or both or multiples, is almost less important than just realizing her behavior and reactions are dysfunctional.

She takes victim perspective.  She has low sense of self.  She has a negative outlook.  Her emotions are unpredictable.  She can have emotional outbursts.  She sounds chronically depressed.  Nothing you do is good enough, even when you go above and beyond.  She denies needing help.  Talking to her about your feelings makes her go into attack mode and accuse you of being the problem because according to her view, you never wanted anything to do with her.  She doesn't seem to want to actually solve a problem.  She can't empathize with you.  She can't receive your messages.  She can't reflect or take any responsibility.  Instead she turns around and blames you.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but what I can say is that it all sounds familiar.

It's great you are seeing a T.  That is awesome.

I think most of us here know that talking to our BPD parent about this, is unlikely to result in anything positive.  pwBPD are "high conflict", cannot accept responsibility, cannot empathize, and tend to have the most difficult time with relationships that are closest to them.  

There was a time when I used to try to talk to my mom about things as a way to try to strengthen the relationship.  This is possible in healthy relationships and is a way to work out the wrinkles and resolve issues.  In my experience, it's not possible for me to do this with my mom.  About 5 years ago, I started exploring BPD and educating myself about the disorder.  There is a whole different set of communication tools to use when interacting with a person with BPD.  Have you discovered that section of the website here?  There is lots and lots of really good information that can help navigate such a complicated relationship.  

Trying to talk to your mom about any of this is unlikely to be helpful.  In my experience it was more helpful to accept her limitations, accept her for who she was (also called "radical acceptance"), and use new tools (including boundaries) for managing my relationship with her, so that I could feel emotionally safe, and move forward with my life as much as I could.
It's not easy.

My heart goes out to you. Welcome to our forum, and please take care of you.