Self centeredness

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am usually pretty good these days with saying to myself, it's not the person but the illness speaking.
The selfishness is mind boggling.  I'm not well and all my family member can talk about is how it affects her.
The other issue is that I think that Google is evil. She can spend hours on end looking at medical things, instead of ringing the doctor. I often help her out with stuff but I'm starting to think that I want to let her go for it and let her suffer the
 consequences .

[Kayclan]

I am usually pretty good these days with saying to myself, it's not the person but the illness speaking.
The selfishness is mind boggling.  I'm not well and all my family member can talk about is how it affects her.
The other issue is that I think that Google is evil. She can spend hours on end looking at medical things, instead of ringing the doctor. I often help her out with stuff but I'm starting to think that I want to let her go for it and let her suffer the
 consequences .

[Methuen]

From a logical point of view, I think this makes some sense when dealing with a person with BPD.  Why? Because anything else can feel controlling to them, and chaos or drama ensues.  Sadly, they are always going to do what they want anyways, regardless of the facts, or what advice we offer.  My mom doesn’t want to see doctors anymore because she doesn’t like what they tell her, such as that she has Parkinson’s disease.  She’s had PD symptoms progress for years and despite seeing specialists, still decided she had “essential tremors ” because of her google research.  She could have been taking medication and had a better quality of life while she was stronger, but now she is too frail to have any quality of life, and continues to make terrible decisions. 

The thing is, we can’t protect them from themselves. If we try, it results in the BPD behaviors that bring us to finding this forum in the first place.

Another skillful approach is to ask guiding questions.  Another member posted to me some time ago about an approach called motivational interviewing.  If you are interested you can google it. 

I don’t give my mom advice anymore and haven’t for probably 2 years.  I’ve accepted that she’s never going to listen.  She listens to her friends though.  That hasn’t worked out so well for her, but she doesn’t connect the dots.  Sadly, like you, I’ve come to accept that the most important thing for them is to do things their way.  Bad decisions lead to negative consequences which just reinforces their victim perspective.

It’s painful for us to watch.  But their autonomous adults who have the right to make their own decisions.

All we can do is take care of ourselves, so that the pain of watching them doesn’t destroy our life.

[So Stressed]

I don’t give my mom advice anymore and haven’t for probably 2 years.  I’ve accepted that she’s never going to listen.  She listens to her friends though.  That hasn’t worked out so well for her, but she doesn’t connect the dots.  Sadly, like you, I’ve come to accept that the most important thing for them is to do things their way.  Bad decisions lead to negative consequences which just reinforces their victim perspective.

Yes, my mom will take advice from anyone but me...strangers, neighbours, friends, hairdresser, but not me. If I offer suggestions, I am a "know -it-all" or "too controlling," or "trying to manage her life." So, I have given up making any suggestions at all.  It is a little painful to watch, especially when I see that she is making a crazy decision, but, oh well.  As you say, she has to live with the consequences.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I’ve been dealing with the neighbor who think she’s the center of the universe, and have dealt with quite a few recently with PD, including family. Gets pretty exhausting trying to be seen in a family like that. I’ve become so good at writing just to be seen and express myself for that reason, as it gets quite lonely. You matter too.

[Kayclan]

I am isolating due to Covid, at day 5. FM has suddenly become so anxious about catching it. I've been accused of not being careful enough. This is my first ever time mind you. So after that verbal my mind has gone almost blank, so I'll have to come back here another day.

[PinkPanther]

I am isolating due to Covid, at day 5. FM has suddenly become so anxious about catching it. I've been accused of not being careful enough. This is my first ever time mind you. So after that verbal my mind has gone almost blank, so I'll have to come back here another day.

Kayclan, hope you are on the mend.

BPDs are pros at self centeredness. I feel like it is a pretty common human trait to be somewhat selfish but they take it to another level.  It's pretty overwhelming to experience.

[Turkish]

The other issue is that I think that Google is evil. She can spend hours on end looking at medical things, instead of ringing the doctor. I often help her out with stuff but I'm starting to think that I want to let her go for it and let her suffer the
 consequences .

Why not let her experience natural consequences?

What's at the core of self centeredness, really, but a hole, space, or emptiness that needs to be filled?