Rebound

[DetoxLilly]

Hi,

I don't know where to begin but here it goes. I made the gut wrenching decision to cut off my older sister a few years ago. We were NC for a very long time until she up and decided to start coming to events from my work industry last November. I was alarmed and worried about it but tried to stay calm and just let each of us do their own thing. We said hi at events and that was about it. I tried to stay as far away as possible because I was anxious about our interactions and more so at my workplace.

It was slow at first but suddenly I started feeling super anxious all the time. Like I was waiting for a train wreck to happen. And finally it did. Long story short, after an event where we saw each other very briefly, she decided to kick her adult child out of the home they shared and blamed me for it. She made up a crazy story about how her child and I had hired a witch to put a curse on her to ruin her life. I couldn't make this sh#t up if I tried. Now I'm stuck with the decision of what to do about my work events. I've worked my entire life to get to where I am with these sporting events and now I don't know if I'm more worried about her spreading these lies to make me look bad or if she actually believes them, will she be physically attacking me during one of them like she's threatened to do before?

I could go on and on about how much she's done and put me through for years but I'm so tired of even thinking about it at this point that I don't even want to bother. I just want to stop feeling so awful all the time. When I cut her off, my mental health had drastically improved but since contact began again and after this crazy sh#itshow occurred, I am back to being drained, depressed, anxious, and feel like I am just rotting away from the inside out.

Logically, I understand that this is not normal and that I am not crazy. Emotionally, I feel like hell. Absolute hell. I'm having terrible nightmares, not sleeping well, not eating well, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. Not a lot of my friends know I even have siblings much less that this is the level of crazy that is involved in the family dynamics. Therapy has helped somewhat but I feel like not enough.

What can I do? 

Cordially,

Over It

[zachira]

I too have a sister who I have been no contact with who has been able to come back into my life by running a smear campaign (in my case with family and long time family friends and acquaintances in the community we have been in since birth). I am at a loss for words when I hear your pain describing what you sister is tellling people about you, and how she is suddenly appearing at your work events. One thing I do know about smear campaigns as I have been smeared my whole life by my large extended family and their flying monkeys (especially my NPD sister), is you cannot remain silent. It is important to be able to assert yourself in as few words as possible feeling fully confident about what you are saying to counteract the smear campaigns. The few words you use should be sort of like what are used as a phrase to promote a product in an advertisement. If you go into detail and are upset, than most people become uncomfortable and start to think you are the crazy one, that what your sister is saying is true. My favorite one is to say: "That is not true.", and leave it at that. I do not say more because if I did, then my sister's flying monkeys would take what I said back to her, and she would use what she learns about me to do more harm. My heart goes out to you. Is there any way to prevent your sister from going to your work events? Are there any valid reasons for her to be at your work events?

[DetoxLilly]

Is there any way to prevent your sister from going to your work events? Are there any valid reasons for her to be at your work events?

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry you have also been dealing with this type of situation. Unfortunately there isn't really a way to prevent her from going. They are open to the general public and she has found a way to insert herself into the group.  She's very charming and friendly when she wants to be and hides her manipulative skills well. So much so that not even a week after making up the witch story, she was out and about at an event where all my friends and colleagues were. I stayed far away for obvious reasons.

There are no valid reasons besides she wants to get into the sport. It is a very small community so its virtually impossible to not run into her at events. I really tried to give her the benefit of the doubt when she started attending but then this happened. The few times we interacted she either gave me terrible looks or made backhanded comments about how I think I'm the queen of the industry. She knows this is my entire life and she also knows how much I've been through to get to where I am as a young woman in a toxic, male dominated environment. Now I'm just worried about what's next. I've let a few of my closer friends from the industry know what's going on but like you said I don't want to make a whole thing about it and end up giving her more fuel to work with. I have 0 energy to fight her on anything. I'm just kind of frozen from it all. She's made me question reality too many times to count. It's an awful feeling to question your sanity constantly. I'm exhausted.

[zachira]

What you are describing is being terrorized by your sister. Your sister has threatened to attack you physically, and that is something to take very seriously, and to get as much help as you can on how to protect yourself. I was once physically attacked by my sister. Many years ago, she came into the room I was sleeping in with her daughter, and started hitting me. She claimed she was mad over something I had said, which I don't know even now what that was. The next day, I was really shocked at what I did: I told her I would kill her if she ever put her hands on me again. She went to a hotel to stay, and has never physically attacked me again, thought the smear campaigns and cruelty have been ongoing. I am wondering if there is some way to disengage with your sister's emotional system and for your to stay confidently calm when you are in her presence. The best piece of advice my therapist gave me about being in the presence of a disordered person was to focus on how I was feeling inside instead of observing their feelings. By feeling afraid when around your sister, it is like you are rewarding her stalking of you, yet you need to be aware of what is going on when in the presence of an unsafe person to keep yourself safe. There are many experts who have excellent recommendations about how to keep safe when there are stalking and threats from an unsafe person. Most of these experts are in the field of domestic violence, and they can probably help you better than I can. Your feelings and fears are valid. We are here to listen and support you in any ways we can. Let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Turkish]

She made up a crazy story about how her child and I had hired a witch to put a curse on her to ruin her life. I couldn't make this sh#t up if I tried. Now I'm stuck with the decision of what to do about my work events. I've worked my entire life to get to where I am with these sporting events and now I don't know if I'm more worried about her spreading these lies to make me look bad or if she actually believes them, will she be physically attacking me during one of them like she's threatened to do before?

We don't like to use the C word here usually, but that's crazy. In your large group in real life, who do you think would really believe in a witch curse? Has anybody indicated to you that they believe that?

What leads to to feel like she'd physically attack you? Does she have a history of violence?

[Notwendy]

If she's made threats to physically attack you, I wonder if it's possible to get a restraining order to keep her from these events?

[Methuen]

First let me say how sorry I am you are going through this. 

I wonder if it makes any sense to get out in front of it, since it's your work and career that she's inserted herself into?

By that I mean, go to 1 senior boss/director/supervisor that you trust and who knows you, and rationally and calmly and briefly explain the situation without going into any details.  Keep it super simple and brief, and in a relaxed tone, explain "My sister is very complicated: she decided to kick her adult child out of the home they shared and blamed me for it. She made up a crazy story about how her child and I had hired a witch to put a curse on her to ruin her life. She has threatened to physically attack me, and has done so in the past.  She is capable of spreading lies about me, and I just wanted to give you a heads up in the event it happens, but I am really hoping it doesn't come to that."  Then change the topic, say something about the next event, and leave it at that.  You want to be seen as the sane one.

Others may have other suggestions.  In your situation, you will be the best person to know if "getting in front of it" is a good idea or not.

The best advice I have is to take especially good care of yourself right now, and be super kind to yourself.  Do all the things that you enjoy and which help you to relax, and calm down that amygdala so that you can get back to sleeping and eating again.  While she might not go away, the only thing you can control is how you react to her.  Don't let her win.  Don't let her have this effect on you.  Hopefully she talks about witches to people other than you, so that she reveals her true self to others.  Have confidence that people can see through the charm if it's not genuine, especially if she starts talking about those witches or smearing or threatening you.  In the meantime, take care of you.  This is critical because you need to be strong enough to not get sucked into her drama and react to her at the wrong time.  Then you will look like the crazy one.  So take super good care of yourself.  Yoga?  Hot epsom salt baths? Massage?  Biking?  Sending you hugs.

[DetoxLilly]

We don't like to use the C word here usually, but that's crazy. In your large group in real life, who do you think would really believe in a witch curse? Has anybody indicated to you that they believe that?

What leads to to feel like she'd physically attack you? Does she have a history of violence?

Trust me, I have very strong feelings about the C word too. Most of my closest friends know very little about my siblings because I can't really go around saying yeah well, it's a crazy story. I have questioned my sanity so many times throughout the years because it gets to a level where I just can't comprehend what is happening or why. She went from hi to witchcraft in 60 seconds and honestly, I have a gut feeling she's the one whose actually dabbling in some sort of bizarre witchcraft thing because she hired a "shaman" to undo whatever it is she thinks we did to her and where do you even get someone like that on short notice? It really feels like a projection thing.

RE violence, yes she has a history of violence. There is also a long history of violence on our dad's side. I've never been physically attacked by her but throughout the years she has made it clear she has wanted to physically attack me on multiple occasions including one time where the police were called because I locked myself in a public bathroom I was so scared. This was 10 years ago. The last time was about 6 years ago when I decided to cut her off completely. She got drunk, started insulting my mom who wasn't even there and then switched to calling me a princess and nothing else. Then she told me I made her blood boil so much she wanted to hit me. Next day she woke like nothing had happened and I was visibly shaking all day. My parents showed up because it was my dad's birthday and it was right before Christmas so I tried to find a way to go home with them and when I said that at the table she called me a traitor for leaving her alone on Christmas and my dad didn't know anything that was going on so he told me it was fine to go have fun with her. I ended up having a friend pick me up that night after we left and just left her my car (we were both on Christmas break). I just don't have any evidence of any of this because it was always either in person or on a phone call.

[DetoxLilly]

If she's made threats to physically attack you, I wonder if it's possible to get a restraining order to keep her from these events?

I don't have any evidence of the threats. They were years ago and either in person or on the phone.

[DetoxLilly]

First let me say how sorry I am you are going through this. 

I wonder if it makes any sense to get out in front of it, since it's your work and career that she's inserted herself into?

By that I mean, go to 1 senior boss/director/supervisor that you trust and who knows you, and rationally and calmly and briefly explain the situation without going into any details.  Keep it super simple and brief, and in a relaxed tone, explain "My sister is very complicated: she decided to kick her adult child out of the home they shared and blamed me for it. She made up a crazy story about how her child and I had hired a witch to put a curse on her to ruin her life. She has threatened to physically attack me, and has done so in the past.  She is capable of spreading lies about me, and I just wanted to give you a heads up in the event it happens, but I am really hoping it doesn't come to that."  Then change the topic, say something about the next event, and leave it at that.  You want to be seen as the sane one.

Others may have other suggestions.  In your situation, you will be the best person to know if "getting in front of it" is a good idea or not.

The best advice I have is to take especially good care of yourself right now, and be super kind to yourself.  Do all the things that you enjoy and which help you to relax, and calm down that amygdala so that you can get back to sleeping and eating again.  While she might not go away, the only thing you can control is how you react to her.  Don't let her win.  Don't let her have this effect on you.  Hopefully she talks about witches to people other than you, so that she reveals her true self to others.  Have confidence that people can see through the charm if it's not genuine, especially if she starts talking about those witches or smearing or threatening you.  In the meantime, take care of you.  This is critical because you need to be strong enough to not get sucked into her drama and react to her at the wrong time.  Then you will look like the crazy one.  So take super good care of yourself.  Yoga?  Hot epsom salt baths? Massage?  Biking?  Sending you hugs.

Thanks. I'm trying to take care of myself but I've been in a deep, dark hole these past few days. As I write this, I am wearing face mask #3 for the week. I also booked a massage for today because I can feel the knots in my back swelling.

As for the getting ahead of it, there's really no way to do it without giving her exactly what she wants which is a reaction. One of her recent things is telling people that I have it out for her and that I want to ruin her life and not let her have any fun so telling people in the industry isn't gonna help a whole lot. I'm an independent contractor for sporting events and own a small business so I don't really have any superiors or bosses that could aid in this situation. There's no structure or hierarchy that could provide assistance. I'm just going to stay away for a bit. I'll be traveling for events out of our country that she def won't be at until early July. Honestly I'm just hoping her true colors shine through soon enough so that people can see why I've never talked about her. I just don't know how that'll work out since she's painting herself as this enlightened, fun loving yogi who is so cool and nice with everyone. It's just hard, because either way, she's my sister. She lets everyone know she's my sister and I clearly look like the mean princess who doesn't acknowledge her existence. People have asked and I've just ignored the drama. I've gone radio silent on social media which isn't like me because I'm a community outreach spokesperson for the sport and people have noticed but again, I don't want to give her what she wants. It's also a very tight-knit, gossipy community that would just use this as the latest tea instead of caring about the situation.

It's also really hard because I do empathize with her quite a bit. I understand what she must be feeling to be reacting this way to her external environment but damn, she just will not give me a break. She's been making my life hell every since I was a teenager. I just want her to heal and honestly, part of me had some glimmer of hope that her coming into the sport would help her, make her feel better being in contact with nature, and maybe bring us together again. Nope. Definitely not. She clearly hates me. I don't know what reality hurts more: did she makes this up to hurt me or does she actually believe I'm just this evil being whose out to get her?