Thank you for the comments and replies.
While I have many positive distractions and things I am thankful for in my life, I wake up from every sleep with her (ubpd mother) being the first thing I think about. I recognize this is not good. She also rents far too much space in my head during the day when I am not occupied with work.
This is a long weekend where I live, and we are actually camping close to home with our adult children and friends. I woke up this morning at 5:00am thinking about her. I want to be more present, and push her out of my head, but her situation, and choices, and me living so close to her is just so hard. I found out today through a completely random conversation from a work colleague who has an aging parent that there is a waiting list of almost 300 people to get into our assisted living facility. My mom will never get there.
One of her friends recently made the comment to me "so do you really work 8 hours every day?" when talking about my mom. Her judgement hung in the air.
Mother recently told H that a friend was so lucky because their son brought supper and helped them for a few hours every single day.
Your Mother's Day with your mother sounds like your day at the emergency room with your mother. Your body and mind seem to be telling you that you can't tolerate being around your mother for any length of time. What is that length of time?
What I maybe am hearing you say, is there is nothing you can do to please your mother and you will never feel appreciated no matter what you do.
I think 1 hour is my max. Depending on my mother on any given day, 10 minutes might be too much.
I always tried to be the perfect child, in her eyes. I did what she wanted me to do. I tried to be the best at the things she expected me to do as a teen and young adult. I've since worked at trying to undo "perfectionist" traits. At university she came and stayed with me in my dorm. Who agrees to that? At my wedding, she was my matron of honour. Who asks their mom to be their matron of honour? We have taken her along on holidays we went on with friends. Who takes their mother on events with friends? I realize now that all of this was me taking care of her
feelings. I took care of her for 4-5 hours a day for over 4 weeks after her first fall. It's been a lifetime of me trying to take care of her, and I don't have it in me any more. I'm only as good as my last failure in her eyes, which was returning to work (therefore I am a failure as a daughter because I'm not her slave taking care of her, and therefore I don't love her).
I hear you Zachira on the autistic daughter story. I think mom probably did get some benefit and that benefit was
attention. Her need for attention is insatiable, and when she doesn't get enough, she finds ways to let you know that. By going and cooking her breakfast, she can tell all her friends her family did that for her. But you're also right that sometimes there isn't a benefit. Until recently, she was still agreeing to come to our house for family birthdays and occasions like Christmas/Easter. I share a birthday with SIL. On the birthday, D26 (physio) transported her to our house for the dinner. Mom was a toddler, and as soon as she arrived, started saying unpleasant things to D and repeating over and over she wanted to go home. So H and SIL took her home, while D tried to pull herself together with me in the basement. I had come home from work quietly in all the commotion, and mother didn't even know I was there. The next time I saw mom, it was like nothing had happened. We have already decided we will not transport her to our house for events any more. She is so weak, she had to be lifted up the stairs. She didn't care a wit that she wasn't at my/SIL's birthday. We think it's because the birthday wasn't about her. Also because she can't hear or process conversations in groups any more, and this just invalidates her. So in this example you are absolutely right Zachira, that she doesn't get anything out of being part of the activity.
She has chosen to be alone in her own home. She has depression and anxiety, along with her litany of serious health problems. She complains of being lonely all the time. I don't say anything, but I quietly
think "figure it out mom".
Methuen, I am so touched by the way you write, it was very cinematic and vivid to imagine your day, to read between the lines. Like watching a movie where you’re rooting for the main character to walk out of the kitchen, hop in a camper van, and drive toward the Pacific Ocean with her dog and a flask of whiskey. Huzzah!
It made me think there is an argument for having a Dysfunctional Family day. To celebrate, people make plans then cancel them immediately. Then check into a spa.
I have this feeling often, that I would never wish these family experiences on anyone and at the same time am so grateful there are others who are driven to drink just to manage the frayed nerves. .
How long can your body tolerate exposure? I would be curious if there is a number you feel is comfortable. Something between guilt and duty that overlaps with self care.
LNL, this made me laugh. Thanks so much for that. I needed it. I have to think about the length of exposure my body can tolerate between guilt and duty that overlaps with self care. I am wondering if I have reached my limit, or even gone beyond it. The ridiculousness of her situation distresses me. The fact that I drank too much too quickly for the first time in my life seems like an indicator. So does the fact that I wake up thinking about her in the middle of the night, and/or the morning.
You've given me things to consider, and I really appreciated the laugh.
Things like this is why I personally made a rule that I won't be sharing holidays with anyone that makes the day miserable. Esp. with having a BPD parent, most of my life has been about making my parent happy and that isn't possible unless I burn myself up to keep her warm. Even then, my mom is so ornery she will say that the fire isn't big enough LOL.
Nothing is always perfect as we know but when I think of holidays I think of celebrating. Not appeasing children in adult bodies that aren't happy no matter what you do.
If I want to celebrate anything with my mom in the future it will be either in the days before or after the holidays. These parents are just too much, intolerable.
I think I needed to hear this Pink Panther. Thank you.
I don't think it is possible to forgive a BPD mother you are in contact with, too much hurt, too much triggers, too much Little Methuen trying to survive it still...
You are right that the constant contact (we live in the same small town) is a trigger and a burden. Even though I've reduced contact to once or twice a week, I run into people in town who know her, and ask about her. The expectation on me to help her (they don't know her like I do) is profound. It is too much.
I am not a fan of Mother's Day.
On the positive side, both my children were kind to me and with me on Mother's Day, and I got a car washed and a bottle of bubbly. And I have the best hubby I could have for me, who does mother's grocery shopping and takes her to appointments. Still lots to be thankful for.
